Saw him today....will he ever come around or is he not into me?

[Anon333]

I met this guy a couple months ago, and it was an instant connection for me, I know he was attracted to me and liked me, but I dont and still dont know to what extent...He said he really liked me and wanted to get to know me and hang out..He was nothing but sweet....Things seemed good though....BUT he told me had just gotten out of a 1.5 year relationship 2 months earlier and his ex had just moved out and started dating someone else....We went on dates and hung out, kissed, cuddled, no sex..But had fun...Long story short..He started to get a little distant and his ex was still contacting him and even coming to get more stuff from their apartment..He was depressed about her and I broke it off (about 3 weeks into dating) and think he was relieved...I said I didnt want him to hurt me and he agreed...He asked about seeing me or talking, and I told him to call me when he was ready...

 

I broke that rule twice..Called him when I was drunk and saw him and he didnt answer, but he did call the next day..Was really friendly..And one last time I texted him a couple weeks later that he should not be afraid to call if he ever wanted to hang out, and hope he was well..To which he responded he was good and that he hoped I was good too.....Kinda ignoring the hanging out part...I know he is getting over his ex, or as some people have suggested "not that into me"....So I have left it at that and have no choice but to move on and hope some day he will come around or someone else I feel the same way about will...

 

Recently I have been pursued and asked out by so many people from my work and ex boyfriends wanting me back..It is flattering and nice to know I am desireable, but the one person I really fell for I cant be with...

 

Today he came into my work and totally surprised me. i know he came there before I ever worked there and wouldnt have known if i was there or not today, so he didnt go to see me....But he tapped me on my shoulder and I got all flustered and blushed when I saw him..Tried to have a conversation. Asked him how he was doing and he said something to the extent as "the same old stuff",,Which I could be over analyzing, but means he is still dealing with ex girlfriend woes and whatnot..I dunno..We both said it was good to see you and went our ways...now I dont know if I should be happy or sad..

 

It kinda sets me back again, because the attraction I feel for him is like nothing Ive ever felt with someone..And it isnt all about how he looks..In fact, the guy I work with asked if he was my boyfriend and I told him I briefly dated him and was bummed out about seeing him, and he said I could do much better and I was super cute...It sucks cause he is pretty average looking and I have been hit on so much and told how awesome I am, and yet I dont get what the deal is with this guy? I think he is attracted and into me and we had fun and alot of things in common, he wasnt looking for just sex or a fling with me....I just wish I knew if he was just not into me or not over his ex..The way we look at eachother feels like he HAS to feel at least a little of the intensity I feel..Am I insane? I am moving on and really letting the ball remain in his court until I ever meet someone else...But Its so frustrating! Anyone ever deal with this, or have input....Is he just not over his ex? Is his friendliness just friendliness, or is he slightly interested but not looking to get involved again? ugh! DO you think he will ever come around I guess is the BIG question?

[Ammy]

I think from reading all your posts on this guy that he does like you as a person, but I do not think he is ready for anything more, and I think if you continue to wait for him to change his mind and deal with his issue, then you're doing yourself an injustice.

 

I too have been stuck on people before, overanalysed, waited for things to happen.. and I know it's so difficult trying to wait for someone to show the same level of interest you do, but I also know things shouldn't be that hard.

 

I would continue to be friendly if and when you see him, but try and stop thinking about "will this happen?" and "when will he change his mind / be over his ex"... This is only prolonging the situation and meaning you're unable to move on. You know it's like an addiction, and by thinking about him, and analysing it, you're feeding it. Perhaps even start thinking "this is never going to happen" and then you'll start to accept this, heal and move on.

 

I know it's hard to move on, but it seems like you're a good catch with plenty of other options, so think about the fact that once you heal from this, you will have so many opportunities! (My problem is often that I get stuck on one person and the alternative is nothingness / no interest from anyone else, so you're on step ahead of me).

 

Ammy

[loulee]

You were a spark to someone feeling very vulnerable..No he is not over the ex...he may even be seeing her again...but you wouldnt expect him to be over her in this short time.....I think he wanted to try to be, and he did try with you,, but his heart wasnt in it... but these things cannot be made happen any quicker..every heart heals at its own pace.. given the circumstances of each situation....forget this one for a while...get on with new interests.. in time he may contact you again....but dont wait and see...live your life and drop it for now.....

[Batya33]

I think it's hard for you to let go since he is unavailable and thereforee even more attractive to you with the added challenge. I would not read into "same old stuff" in the least. If he wanted you to know that he hoped to have a relationship with you at some point in the future when he is "healed" he would have made sure, if not at that moment (things can get awkward at work of course!) then ASAP what his intentions are, and where he stands now.

 

"Same old stuff" is what acquaintances say to each other when they run into each other on the street, etc.and for you to read into those three words "I am not yet over my ex, that is why we are not dating right now" makes little sense to me especially since it gives you an excuse to stay stuck.

 

I think it's a bit foolish of you to turn down other guys based on the fantasy of him (which is what it is mostly now in my opinion - you dated for a very short time, you are stuck on the initial attraction, and now that he is unavailable, he is larger than life, right?). Please don't take the safe way out and tell yourself you can't date other people because you're pining away for this guy -- go on some dates - worst case is you will have a pleasant time with no sparks.

[Anon333]

Thanks everyone....It is not like I have let him ruin my life..I was really depressed and down about him for a couple weeks and posted on here and tried one last attempt to contact him last week, and same friendly but uninterested response, so I kicked myself in the butt and decided to move on...So that is what I have mentally been doing...I cant help but to wish he would come around eventually, but that doesnt mean im putting my life on hold.....The people who like me though, I really am not interested in...I agree to go on one date with a guy to be nice, but I would tell him I dont want to date co workers if he wanted more...

 

I have been single for so long and have had so many WRONG relationships, that started with me just hanging out with the person to try and see if I liked them and it turning into something that I realize later dont want..I have decided for myself that unless I feel that attraction right away, its not going to work..and thats what I felt with this guy...it is VERY rare I feel that, but I have been single a year and I think I can be single and happy another year..It is good to know there is even SOMEONE I do feel that way about, because I really thought something was wrong with me that I could not be attracted to guys, even the ones everyone thought were good looking....

 

I think him coming up to me and tapping me on the shoulder all as a surprise and seeming excited to see me set me back though. And I couldnt help but to wonder what he is thinking...I dont mean to over analyze it..But when you know there is a mutual attraction and you both like eachother, but the other person cant be with you, there is a lot of questioning on my behalf that makes it difficult. Batya, Im not turning down guys because of a fantasy of him....I am turning down other guys cause cause I wouldnt be interested anyway and I dont have those feelings...DOesnt mean I havent hung out with them and gotten to know them..I work with them...

[Anon333]

well..one last thing...I am not waiting around for him...But I do think he likes me and DO think it is because he is not ove rhis ex that he doesnt want to date..SO that makes it hard not to believe it is only a matter of time he would want to try hangning out with me again..But I know that could be months and months or years away..so I'm not waiting around....But I cant help but to believe this...I dont think it is the issue that he isnt into me....Anyway.....I guess it should not be relative and not matter to me what may or may not be true or happen...In that case, he should have said someothing to that extent like Batya says..But I dont think he is even in that position in his mind to say something like that..Okay..sorry to go on again....

[Ammy]

Anon,

 

Its not about "is he into you", "when will he heal" etc.. These are all unknowns and no amount of analysis is going to figure this out, the crux of the issue is you are still spending a lot of your time and effort trying to figure this guy out and this is not going to help you get closer to him, understand him or the situation better or move on. I read back over you previous posts, and notice that you're stuck - there are a lot of duplications which shows me you're not progressing but rather cycling around and around this issue - and this is not productive at all - it means you continue to end up at square 1... unsure, unhappy about the situation, unable to move on.

 

I think you have to make a decision here - do you want to continue like this for months on end? If so, then you'll continue to analyse and ask those questions (when will he change his mind, when will he move on, does he like me?) - and continue to feel the way you do now. OR do you want to move forward? In which case it's time to stop (as much as possible) the analysis of him and the situation as this will only feed it and keep you stuck.

 

Hope that helps.. I know its not easy, but from reading everything you've written on this guy, I just think you're really stuck on something and the only way to get through something like this is to forcefully make yourself start changing your thinking.

 

Ammy

[Batya33]

I would seriously reconsider your "I must feel initial attraction or it's never going to happen". Many happy marriages and long term relationships I know did not include that initial attraction in the least -- and the "slow pot to boil" proved eminently more satisfying. That initial attraction can just as easily result from a hormonal response, a random response etc (you do the reading/research if you like, no need to believe me) as from any relevance to the potential for something long term. My guess is you feel the strongest attraction to unavaiilable men, whether consciously or sub-consciously.

 

On the other hand, if you go on 4-5 dates with someone who you are not initially sparked by (but not repulsed by of course) with an open mind, you never know - and it's only 4-5 dates (as opposed to the months you've spent mostly frustrated/pining away over this guy.

[Anon333]

thanks everyone...I know I have to give people a chance..And although I posted laot about this guy...Each week that goes by I really think of him less, and Im not depressed about it like I was..Once in awhile it brings me down..But I know it is a crush that I am getting overt and dealing with..I dont think there is harm in hoping he might come around some day as long as I try to stay positive and happy and meet new people....Anyway..I think I will stop posting about him, because people might think I really am taking it too far, when it is more a matter of the fact I have a huge crush on him, he came into my work, and the circumstances are confusing...Im not letting him ruin my life..Im pretty much the same I was before I met him, only have a huge crush on someone I wish i could be with but alot of people have that and eventually it goes away or you meet someone else....

[Ammy]

Anon, I'm glad it's getting less painful for you and it will continue to get better with time, until you no longer think about him, or think back and smile about the experience. I know that has been the case with me, even when I though I would NEVER get over a guy, somehow it happens eventually.

 

Don't feel bad for posting, that is what this board is here for.. My only reason for pointing out the duplicate posts was to show you you're stuck and it's not helping you... Trust me I have been very guilty of this (just read my post history and you'd see I've been stuck for many months!!!!! I haven't posted as much lately, but trust me my friends hear about it nonstop..)

 

I am in a situation where I am stuck on someone, waiting for him to finally show the interest I want him to - it's a different situation to yours, but similar in that I'm stuck on someone and keep cycling around the issue and have done for many months and wasted a lot of time and effort only to feel bad... I choose to let myself remain stuck, I know that, I'm not ready to give up hope, but I also accept the negative consequences now.. For me, I feel there are no other prospects, so having him in my life, thinking about him etc, is better than having no crush at all - so it's the price I pay.. but I wouldn't recommend it, especially if you have other opportunities available.

 

Anyway keep posting if you need, we're hear to try and provide some good objective advice!! (I'm much better at being rational about other people's issues than my own! )

 

Ammy

[Batya33]

Once you accept that the circumstances are not confusing or complicated in the least (other than your choices and actions making it so), that will take you a long way to moving on. You dated someone for a short time who was either not that interested in you (i.e. interested enough to have a relationship with you) or not available to have a relationship with you with the same result - he is not a match for you. That is still true. What also is true is that there is nothing you can do about that situation to change it, whatever the reason the situation exists. Very typical situation, nothing complicated or confusing except when you inject confusion or complication into it by contacting him, overthinking, analyzing minutae, etc.

 

If you assume that a man who is sincerely interested in being with you and available to be with you will be with you then it won't make a difference if how he shows or says that he doesn't want to or can't is not 100% clear -- because you will accept that unless he is 100% clear that he WANTS to be with you, you can assume that he doesn't, you can stop all the analysis, stop the hoping, and choose to move on rather than staying in the comfort zone of "well, ok I'll date other people but since I'm holding out hope for my Crush I'll find excuses not to date them, find excuses not to get close".

 

If he comes back to you at some future point, fine, but since you have no control over it, choosing to let the "hope" interfere even in the slightest way with other choices doesn't make a lot of sense.