Week 4 emotional backlash - long vent!

[rich_1517]

Ok a new turn of events for me. I dont know if i am seeking advice or just need to discourge my wealth of pain and anger.

 

God do we throw it away when someone leaves us. I look back at my behaviour in the first week, the pleading nature i had, the fragile, hurt neediness and i am disgusted. Yes i owned my mistakes in the relationship, but i didnt have to fall apart to do it ARRRRHHH.

 

I have been on an emotional spin cycle before this happened. The girl and i had problems, no doubt. But love existed and trust. She couldnt/wouldnt be physically attentive (at all) i just asked for a little initiative sometimes (once in a year was what i got). I had to put my dad into a mental facility for alzheimers, i lost my company. I come home from this and say i need attention and that i am devastated and she chose that moment to first break it off and then change it to i need two months to decide if we are friends or more.

 

Man, does anyone else here think that was extremely lame? What did i do? I ran after her immediately, said i had been afraid to commit, had been ungrateful and not as accepting as i could have been, that i hadnt dealt with the reality of failed business and needed to get regular work instead of haning on.

 

Ok so meant it and its true, these things needed to be addressed, BUT i gave so much power away. She and i have been friends and elevated her to godhood, what was i thinking. Ok break ups are painful, but that is no way to save it! acccckkk! there can be nothing worthwhile with that kind of pleading.

 

So at least i intiated no contact immediately after and kept a decent face on it for her, actually behaved pretty well and normal to her, while i bled on friends and family.

 

Then she called, and called and called, and wanted to get together, this turned into a five hour non-date, becuase in the middle of dinner i asked, what is this? she said she is still deciding. Me still an emotional wreck underneath got sad and then made boundaries. I felt like she was just using me becuase she is lonely (which may be true, based on her behaviour she looks done to me).

 

So i asked for no contact from her for a week while i look for a job and quit smoking (yes i put that on the table too)

 

And tonight it came home how pathetic i have been. I am no longer sure about this whole thing, I am angry i gave so much power to it and her. I want to call her up but i am also angry at her too for her timing. I wish there had been another way but i guess not. I am just flat out angry and wish i had been stronger. She may or may not call next week but clearly i need to get grounded emotionally to deal with her.

 

Sorry for the long vent, learn from this dont give too much away.