Was I that wrong?

[ncnc]

Show me where I said this is proper behaviour????? I believe I never once said that, so please dont attack me just because I have given a differnet opinion, an opinion that you clearly did not want to hear!!!! Goodness me - Chill Out are two words which spring to mind!!

 

All I ment was that if my husband was calling me that much after I txt I was inline for food - you mentioned she was calling you alot!! - then I would defi answer as I would be worried it'd be an emergency!!! So I found it weird why you didnt answer - That is all I ment!! Starting to wish I never chimed in now though!!

[ibenhad]

Thanks Dr. I posted because I care to find out if I am being over sensitive and I do care enough to change my behavior if it's wrong to enhance a relationship. The majority here agree that she was inappropriate and this is a problem. I need to figure out how to address it.

[ncnc]

Well Said DN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D>=D>

[metrogirl]

Problem is she doesn't think she was wrong and this behavior is OK. I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart and we have issues. Hell who doesn't? But this is the crap that drives me crazy. I'm 43 years old I don't have to report to anyone. I never cheated and have only been loving and caring of her. She is very jealous and must have been cheated on because she always thinks Im cheating. Or maybe she is a cheater herself. I sure hope not. Usually the one who is suspecting is the one whose doing. Thanks all.

 

Been there done that.....Someone that I was with before used to be just like your current girlfriend. I hated the feeling that I needed to report to him. He would blow my phone up and when I finally did talk to him he was heated. "who was i with, was I so busy I couldn't answer my phone"? It just went on and on, his need to be able to reach me at any given moment, always suspecting the worst. He was the one that was mis-behaving. I guess he felt he needed to make sure that I wasn't going to do to him what he was already doing to me.

[lady00]

I'm with metrogirl on this one. She needs to realize that she is wrong and she needs to stop this behavior. Otherwise it will just create a whole lot of problems in the marriage.

[agent1607307371]

Your gf called you and you didn't pick up.

 

You texted her to say you were getting food (so why not just pick up, it's nothing)

 

Then she rings you 3 times in a row and you don't pick up.

 

OK, why not just answer when she rang the first time? Did she know you weren't at work?

Why text her and then not answer, I probably would have taken it as a "give me a minute to get sorted..." txt and rung back.

 

Your gf sounds like she uses the phone as a way to keep tabs on people (not good), but you also sound like you use not answering your phone as a way to control the access your gf has to you.

[lady00]

I don't see anything wrong whatsoever with him not wanting to be on the phone while he is in line and then while he is out having lunch. It's rude to the people around him and there is no emergency to justify it.

[metrogirl]

I don't see anything wrong whatsoever with him not wanting to be on the phone while he is in line and then while he is out having lunch. It's rude to the people around him and there is no emergency to justify it.

 

And this is where I agree with you lady00. There is nothing that irritates me more than waiting in line and some schmoe is behind me in line yapping in the phone, arguing with his girl or vice versa. Not everyone wants to hear the convos that are going on around them. I'm certainly not interested listening to someone have to explain themselves to someone on the other end of the phone. It sounds pathetic.

[charity]

ok, i am so confused now. when i read this first, i was like yeah you definetly did something wrong and i would be freaked with my man if he did that. then i read the opinions that followed and i am so surprised that almost everyone thinks it was okay..... now this really affects me and makes me think, as my bf always says that i am a control freak and he finds it really hard to handle, and now it seems that maybe he is right. i seem to be of the same mind frame as your gf so can i just tell you the reasons why i find what you did not cool....

 

so from her point of view

 

okay first of all i think that YOU are the one who made a big deal of it by persistently not answering the calls.why not just pick up and tell her that you are with the girl that she knows and you'll call back when you get a chance. i mean she knew that you were just in a fast food place, thats why she kept calling, she knew you weren't doing anything particurly important so she was probably was just calling to say hi or whatever and it would be strange that you make a point of NOT answering her call.

 

so this probably confused her and it wouldn't be a huge deal, except you say that you were with a woman!!! now this by itself wouldn't be a big deal either.... but the two of them together. i can see why she found it disrespectful. it SEEMS suspicious, it seems like you didnt want her to know who were with, or maybe didnt want the other woman to hear you on the phone to your girlfriend. now i will admit i am a rather insecure person and i hate that about myself so maybe i do need my head checked. but you know if it had been your mother, father, brother or friend calling repeatedly i am sure you would have answered to see if everything is alright then told them you would call back, why does your girlfriend not get the same treatment. i would hate the image that my bf is simply ignoring my calls when he sees my name flashing on his phone for no good reason.

 

i imagine she has just lost a bit of trust in you now. that may sound crazy but thats why she is asking for another apology, because she will wonder now everytime you dont answer your phone to her 'is he simply ignoring my calls'. its not so much that she wants you to keep saying over and over that you're sorry.... she wants you GET WHY IT WASNT COOL and she knows from your first apology that you didnt really mean it cause you dont actually think anything you did was wrong.

 

again im not saying that i and your gf are right, im just seeing that shes a bit insecure like me and what you did seems a bit........ unnecessary????.... thereforee shady???

 

feel free everyone to tell me strongly if im talking .

[lady00]

He didn't ignore her though. He replied and told her exactly what he was doing. I think when a person calls another more than once or twice, as a general rule, unless there is an emergency, it's too much. Just chill and let them call back when they get a chance. It's not a big deal. Nothing shady about it.

[metrogirl]

I remember when I would have to explain myself to my boyfriend at the time. It became super embarrassing if I was in the company of friends or coworkers. Who wants to be subjected to an interogation while they are waiting to order a meal? He told her he was waiting in line, that should have been enough.

[Cloudyday]

Anyone here think both sides could have handled things better? He could have picked up on the first time just to say that he was in line and that he'll call her later and she could have saw the text and not call him back a million times.

[laisla]

Anyone here think both sides could have handled things better? He could have picked up on the first time just to say that he was in line and that he'll call her later and she could have saw the text and not call him back a million times.

 

yep that's what i was trying to say.

[waveseer]

Anyone here think both sides could have handled things better? He could have picked up on the first time just to say that he was in line and that he'll call her later and she could have saw the text and not call him back a million times.

 

I concur. It takes two to be annoying. lol

[charity]

who says she was gonna interrogate him though??? he never said he was with anyone in the text so she prob thought he was free for a chat after he ordered the food, then he cant even be bothered to pick up and tell her he'll call her back later as is with someone. the issue is such a small issue but it was made big by his stubberness. shes not freaking cause he wasnt available when she wanted him or cause she needs to know his every move, shes freaking cause he made a point of ignoring her instead of answering the phone for 30 secs. like ..why????

[lady00]

I think replying with a text was perfectly acceptable in this situation. He could have called her back once he got to his office and had some privacy to talk. I think her being upset over this is really nitpicky and totally unnecessary. I don't think he did anything wrong whatsoever. Just don't see it. Which is why I think he should stand his ground. She needs to stop the erratic behavior. Calling incessantly is never OK unless something is on fire. In fact, I don't understand why she feels that he needs to reply immediately at all. Sometimes I miss calls from my bf for whatever reason and I don't always call back as soon as I notice...I call back when it's convenient and I have privacy to talk to him. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Sometimes I see that he is calling but I do not pick up because I am somewhere where I cannot talk. Regardless, he calls once and leaves one message. And I get back to him when I can. Calling incessantly is controlling--it is saying "I don't care what you are doing or what you want to do right now, I am going to make you talk to me this instant."

[lady00]

who says she was gonna interrogate him though??? he never said he was with anyone in the text so she prob thought he was free for a chat after he ordered the food, then he cant even be bothered to pick up and tell her he'll call her back later as is with someone. the issue is such a small issue but it was made big by his stubberness. shes not freaking cause he wasnt available when she wanted him or cause she needs to know his every move, shes freaking cause he made a point of ignoring her instead of answering the phone for 30 secs. like ..why????

 

I would have done the same thing because by that point, I'd be very annoyed and I would not want to say something out of annoyance that I would later regret. I would just leave it and discuss the matter later when we both had time to sit down and talk about it. I would likely wait until I got back to the office, shut the door, and called the person back.

[charity]

interesting.... maybe you're right. ha ha.... if thats the case i think im going to have to start taking responsability for a lot of the problems in my relationship, and past relationships. in fact if you are right then my bf actually has been very tolerant and patient with me. i have a lot to think about.

[ibenhad]

Point of the matter is I was @ lunch and she was @ work. She works @ a Hospital so if it was an emergency she would be taken care of. Second this is not the first time she has called many times in a row when I was either on the other line ( with Verizon cells you here a beep indicating that ) or in other instances such as being in a store. DOesn't matter who I was with and I'm not a cheater. SHE IS A CONTROL FREAK!!!! Bottom line the whole situation could have been handled better. I could have excused myself from my friend and called my girl back. But after the eighth call in a row I was miffed.

 

Now I have told her I will no longer bring my cell to lunch. Problem solved. I bet she has cheated on past boyfriends and that is why I must be a cheater. Anyway folks this is controlling, manipulative behavior anyway you look @ it. There is no reason for it. What would she have done before cell phones. THEY ARE THE BANE OF TOO MANY PEOPLES EXISTENCE.... I wish I didn't need one. Now she knows I will not pick up in line or in a store unless I am able to be discreet...

[lady00]

You sure you want to marry a "control freak" who doesn't trust you?

[bulletproof]

Anyone here think both sides could have handled things better? He could have picked up on the first time just to say that he was in line and that he'll call her later and she could have saw the text and not call him back a million times.

 

Nobody is required to answer the phone when it rings. I often let my phone go to voicemail, and I think in this particular instance it was the right thing to do. He was in line, he had another person with him, and it's just incredibly inconsiderate and rude to pick up the phone in that scenario, in my opinion. She would likely have started talking and he probably just didn't want to deal at that moment. Just because a phone is ringing doesn't mean it has to be answered.

[Sn0man]

I would be really, really annoyed. You didn't do anything wrong and she shouldn't be mad at you for anything. If anything, you should be mad at her for being so darn annoying. I read a similar post tonight where this girl who hadn't heard from her boyfriend for 2 hours called him 10 times then started crying because she thought he was dead or something - all because she didn't hear from him for 2 hours!!

 

What can you do though? Girls will be girls...

 

Maybe tell her to stop calling your cell phone as if it were a home phone as you say. Tell her that if she wants to talk during the day (work time whatever) to just text you and be done with it.

[thejigsup]

Just because I have a cell phone does not mean I am obligated to answer the darn thing everytime it rings. Mine is turned off or on vibrate most of the time because I hate people thinking they can interrupt anything I am doing during the day. My bf knows this and has stopped with the spur of the moment calling. I hate that! You did nothing wrong. Your gf is very intrusive and rude if this was not an emergency. You were at lunch! Is nothing sacred?

[charity]

hi ibenhead,

 

i'm the woman who agreed 100% with your girlfriend. past tense. i am convinced. my way of thinking is way wrong and i have issues with trying to control the SO in my relationship. this is like a huge moment of self awareness for me and its like a huge weight has been lifted from me as i know i have been responsable for a lot of the issues i have had in relationships in the past.

 

ibenhead, you sound quite angry at your gf now and i dont blame you , but a lot of people are hinting that maybe she is not the one for you.dont rush to believe that. try not to be angry at her,stick with her , try to understand her .she probably REALLY believes that she is right. you say you really love her and want to marry her so why not try to work on helping her realize that this way of behaving in a relationship is neither mature nor healthy. until she learns this, issues will come up again and again and again until eventually you will have had enough, and she will still THINK shes right. that is until she has a moment like im having right now.

 

by the way, i myself have never cheated in a relationship so this is not necessarily the reason she is like this. however my mother is a very controlling person and tries to control me all the time and always thinks shes right, plus i have been cheated on twice so maybe there are other issues in your gf past that you need to talk about. hope this helps.

[ibenhad]

merkal

 

I must say thank you. You made my day. I am glad someone found help in this. I do love her and I won't leave her for this. She is in therapy as am I and I know she has control issues. I never said I was perfect but no one is. I really hope you can get to the root of this and it is good to know that you realize your doing it. Like an addiction the first step to healing is knowing/admitting you have a problem. Good luck be strong. If you do this for yourself and no one else it will make you a better person in general.

 

I may need your advice in how to deal with her and this problem.