Help! Should I call?!?

[RSX]

Hi

 

I'm looking for some advice. Here's my situation.

 

A few weeks ago I was forced to break up with my girlfriend of four months. The reason is that she was recently accepted into an overseas exchange program and will be leaving this summer for a minimum of one year. She is the perfect girl for me. We are really compatible. She even told me that, and it's hard that we have to break up because of this. But still, it's a great opportunity and I'm really happy for her.

 

We both don't think a long distance relationship for a whole year would be the best idea. It's just not realistic, not after only going out for four months. The chances of success are slim. This is my brain talking.

 

The problem is that I am CRAZY about her. And this breakup has been really hard for me. I think it's fair to say I still have feelings for her, and would get back together with her in a heartbeat if she agreed to it. This is my heart talking.

 

Anyways, here's my dillema. Once we broke up, I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to avoid all contact with her. No emails. No phone. No MSN. I deleted everything. I knew that if I didn't, I would only be reading those emails over and over and if I knew she was online I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else.

 

Things were going well. My plan was working.

 

Three days later, she calls me!! Arrrgh. And she acted like nothing was wrong, and that we were just good friends. Obviously, I wasn't ready for that yet. So I told her that I'm still not OK with this, and that it's way too soon for me to be speaking to her. I asked her why she called me and she said she "missed me". Arrrhghg. But she understood my feelings, and said that when I'm ready to call her, I can.

 

It's now been three weeks and I still haven't called her yet. But I still think about her. I don't think I'm over her yet. But i'm afraid that if I don't call, I might lose her friendship and never speak to her again!

 

All my friends tell me not to call her. But I think about her all the time and I really really want to. I wonder if by speaking with her, it might make me feel better? I don't know. I miss her a lot. I don't want to lose the friendship.

 

I know I probably shouldn't contact her since I might feel even worse. But I don't want to feel sad anymore.

 

It's been a long time now and I'm afraid that I may NEVER contact her.

 

What should I do?!

 

Thanks

[rich_1517]

ok first, you are not drowning! it will be ok whatever the outcome. No do not call her. if you truly are not ok with hearing from her or talking to her then do not ever speak to her until you ready to be friends.

 

but thats not what you want is it. you want her back, yes? then you will have to do the dreaded no contact (see the main forum). the thing is and hard as it is too hear, you will have to let go enough to let her see you again as a whole person, not broken up inside. i know no contact seems like a game and it is, but if you play to win you might.

 

I still dont know the reason you were "forced" to break up. umm, why?

 

the point of no contact for you is two fold. 1. you start to heal up and become whole again. 2. You arent chasing her.

 

Now it depends on who broke it off, was it you or her?

 

If it was you then go back and apologise, nothing hurts like rejection.

 

If it was her, she will call again or not but you cant control that. the point is to become the guy she fell for. start working out, go for walks, hang out with friends. if she is in your social group show up infrequently but always be upbeat, and say hi when you see her.

 

You have to heal yourself, its not appealing to have someone who is bummed out and needy. trust me i have been going through it too. Take some time and then ask the more expereinced on this site how to "make contact again" without looking like it.

 

Best of luck.

[sidehop]

It's hard to lose someone who you think it right for you and possibly be with for a long time but since she's away for a year, it's healthy for you to date others and get to know different people. So much could you change with you & her within that time and I think it's good that you don't want to talk to her until you're ready.

 

You can always email or write a letter telling her your feelings but not expecting any replies. At least she will know how you feel about her honestly. It's all up to you in this type of situation... Are you willing to wait that long for her to come back, or would it be worth keeping the friendship and move on?

[RSX]

OK thanks for your replies. You guys are amazing.

 

The whole moving overseas thing has "forced" us to break up. It's just not realistic for her or myself to attempt a LD relationship for so long. If it wasn't for her going away, we would still be together. She told me this. Having said that, I understand there really is no point in trying to get back together with her, even though I want to.

 

I honestly would have to say that she was the one who broke it off, since she was the one who brought up the whole conversation about what we are going to do when she leaves. And we both agreed that breaking up is the best choice.

 

The 'No Contact' thing was working great for me once we broke up. But three days later she called me to chat and that threw me all out of whack. And I've been like this for three weeks. Am I crazy or what?

 

I still have feelings for her. But I really don't want to lose the friendship. Do you still think I should not call?

 

Thanks

[RSX]

Are you willing to wait that long for her to come back, or would it be worth keeping the friendship and move on?

 

No, I'm not willing to wait that long for her because (as you said) a year is a long time.

 

I'm trying to figure out a way to keep the friendship and move on. But I don't know if avoiding her is the best way to do this.