messed up again..pushing him away?

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're on a good path of distancing yourself and gaining perspective. You might be right that it was all about timing - but either way it's best if you can accept that even if it wasn't, initial attraction doesn't always translate into longer term potential or compatibility and it's ok if someone decides after dating you for awhile that the future potential is not there - there doesn't need to be anything wrong with him, or with you. Obviously it's better for your ego to assume it was all timing but in the long run you'll be more successful at dating if you can get to a place where you accept when people are just not that into you for the long term whether that's on the first date, the 5th date or after a few months. sure did wonders for me to be able to accept that.

[Anon333]

Thanks Batya..Youre great..The thing that makes me think it is bad timing, is because I've been in his shoes..I have been heart broken over exes for months and months up to a year..And if the ex is still in contact with me, I was still always holding on..There are a few people in my past that liked me at one point, and I was attracted to them, but my head just wasnt into it...After I was healed from thinking about my ex 24/7, I always kinda regretted not giving them a chance...THEN there were other people that I knew liked me and I just had short flings with or slept with them because I wanted company and I thought it would take my mind off my ex...Even those people I kinda feel bad I didnt give them the respect or thought they deserved...and even then, there were people who really liked me, that I just wasnt into at all and couldnt even try to be with..Those are the people I would never think of dating or missing out on...

 

BAsically, when your mind and heart is fully healed, it is easier to be open minded....With the initial attraction I had with this guy and the things in common we had, I think he would have given things more of a chance had he not been still in contact and heartbroken about his ex...Okay....I think I am just trying to argue that he was into me, but it was bad timing...And you are saying "if thats what makes you feel better, than you can believe it"...I think my experience with dating has always been about timing, and willing to give someone a chance and being ready to date....As I have gotten older though, I have learned my lessen that it should not be just timing, but the right person..No matter how lonely Ive been feeling lately, I want my heart to be into whatever relationship I end up in.....

[Batya33]

Got it. My opinion was that if it was all about timing you would have received a far different response from him to your text -- and you would already have known already, for certain, what the reason was. Be prepared to hear or to learn that he is dating people -- that is why I suggest getting to a place of acceptance because that will give you more emotional protection if you learn he is out there dating or looking to date.

 

What you said about timing is exactly right - but I don't think it really applies to this situation because of how he handled things. Obviously you were there and you know better because you were there - for me, I've been in many situations where there was instant attraction and grand plans in the first few weeks and then it fizzled because that is fairly typical.

[Anon333]

hmm..Id be surprised if he was dating..But I doubt it would work with someone else if he isnt over his ex....I wish I knew you were right and the fact that he hasnt called and didnt respond to my text in an interested way means he just is totally not into me whether he was over his ex or not....Id actually move on easier....And maybe since youve had this experience, than you know better than me...

 

I've had an experience with a guy I really liked once, who I hung out with a couple times but he was still breaking up with his ex..He would come around my work a couple times throughout the year to see me, but never enough to ask me to hang out...He dated someone else eventually, and that didnt work out..A year or so leter I heard he was asking a friend about me, and how he missed out...So those things happen...I dont think you can know if you want a real relationship with someone if all you are hoping for is your ex to come around and be back with you..But if he is dating other people I think Id be mad at him..I am kinda mad at him for being so horrible at communicating to me..I had no clue what he was thinking...All I know is he wanted to take things slow and he really liked me, and then that he was not over his ex...The End I suppose.....

[Anon333]

Batya...have any of those quickie relationships with the grand plans that end up fizzling out ever come back into play later? or are they just gone for good? I always feel like pretty much everyone I have ever dated or been involved with comes back around into my life some how...By that time Im usually not interested, or there is a small curiosity...But it always seems like people come back out of curiosity sometimes....When there head is in a different place...

[Batya33]

for me, personally, yes for more short term "grand romances" - that is not to say that an intense connection and spark in the beginning means it is more likely to fizzle - but when that's combined with seeing each other all the time, early sex, calling all the time plus early on grand plans - those have more of a tendency to fizzle.

[Anon333]

Batya..dont mean to keep this thread going like this...The answer you wrote...You personally, yes for more short term "grand romances"....You mean that the person that fizzled out, came back again for you and then it fizzled out again? Yuck..Sounds like double hurt....I did not sleep with this guy by the way....But we may have seen a little too much of eachother too quick...Time will heal I guess..ANd then I can see things more clearly.....

[Batya33]

Batya..dont mean to keep this thread going like this...The answer you wrote...You personally, yes for more short term "grand romances"....You mean that the person that fizzled out, came back again for you and then it fizzled out again? Yuck..Sounds like double hurt....I did not sleep with this guy by the way....But we may have seen a little too much of eachother too quick...Time will heal I guess..ANd then I can see things more clearly.....

 

Yes, another short term dating situation because in my opinion he was never that into me to begin with (none of these involved sex - I've never had casual sex).