messed up again..pushing him away?

[Anon333]

Ive written posts on here a bunch of times about this guy I really like and hung out with about a month ago for a few weeks....fell totally head over heels for him...BUT, he wasnt over his ex..I let things go and told him not to call me till he was ready....I dont know if he was relieved or bummed out..He hasnt called me, but I have messed up a few times, and feel like I might be chasing him away...

 

I promised myself I would wait two weeks to decide what to do..So gave it two weeks, and this morning I texted him "hi, hope you are doing well. DOnt be afraid to call me if you want to talk or hang out. Have a good day"....I sent that a couple hours ago and know he read it...Have not gotten a response..Do you think I freaked him out? I was going to go No Contact for good..But I just wanted to make him feel the lines of communication are open...If I dont hear from him I'll get the picture....He is still dealing with ex issues and my impatience is probably a turn off.....Ugh....Was this really bad what I did..? If he was anxious to hear from me, he'd probably text right back..But he never really was a texter....Ugh...I guess I will get my answer i I hear from him, or dont.....

[ghost69]

leave him alone. he's not ready for you. he will contact you. you didn't have to send him anything. and after 2 weeks of nothing from him, this should have been your conclusion already.

[stacc20]

Anon,

I have been in your exact situation before. I don't think you completely screwed up, however I do sympathize.

Like you said, you were just letting him know the lines of communication were open. And, if you waited two weeks that's pretty good; I don't think you seemed too pushy or impatient.

 

I would say though, that if he never responds to you- its probably best to just let it go. The ball is in his court now. Any communication after this last text would probably be too much. You've established that you're still interested - so let the next move be his.

 

Good luck & keep us posted!

[Anon333]

yeah..now I feel like an idiot...I was being strong about it..Now I really know he just isnt into it..He's dealling with his own crap... I feel aweful..I was hoping if I just kept Loose contact and kept the door opened, it would allow possibilities...But now I think it just made me look like a desperate loser...

[Anon333]

Thanks Stacc20..What you said made me feel better..Yeah...I havent tried calling or texting him in about two weeks..and I think I just needed to try one last time to fully get the picture that it is not happening..any time soon and possibly ever...so I need to pack up my feelings and move on...

[Anon333]

ugh..I thought for sure he'd at least write something! I actually thought maybe he'd call....Ugh...He must be still in it deep with his ex..maybe he is back with her...I guess I made a big mistake texting him..At the same time..I kinda feel good I put it out there and can walk away with that.....Before I kept being uncertain about whether he really wanted to break things off for sure or not...If I dont hear from him in the next couple days, it will be pretty obvious his interest in me is gone.....

[Anon333]

Dont mean to keep this thread going..But I am really hurt he couldnt even respond in a brief thanks, have a good day..Or even "Im doing okay, thanks..."....I dont get it why he would just ignore me like that...I guess he doesnt want to lead me on by being nice? Is that it? Its not like I was trying to force him into anything...Or telling him to call me or acting that desperate..I mean, I left him alone for two weeks and sent a light text....Anyway..It's making me feel totally rejected all over again and makes me want to forget about him...

[pace of ace]

Anon.

 

I've been "seeing" someone for the last month. It's not a relationship as yet but we've been hanging out and stuff. She keeps blowing hot and cold with me and i'm really confused. Sent her a text about... 9 hours ago, asking if she wants to catch a movie on her next free night... no reply! Annoying!! Just reply and say no if its a no.

 

End of the day, if he doesnt reply at all, it'll tell you everything you need to know, and the same goes for me.

[Anon333]

thanks pace...I guess your situation is different, as you are seeing her...But it def tells us the same thing..They have other things on their mind besides getting back to us..Is it on purpose, or is it just indifference? I dont know..If I was dating someone who did this, Id make it clear it bothered me and give them a chance to fix it..If they didnt, Id probably not want to suffer throught that anymore....My situation is different because we arent dating and havent talked in weeks..I just wanted to send a hello, but I guess he either didnt want to, or didnt care to respond?

[pace of ace]

Well my situation is so conflicting i wouldn't even pigeon hole us as dating. If you read my thread on the dating page under "help! need some advice with this girl" that'll give you the low down.

 

I do have a tendency to overthink things. I'm a straight shooter you see, if someone texts me, i'll respond as soon as i possibly can. But other people arent like that and maybe she doesn't see it as a problem to leave it 'til the next day. Who knows, time will tell i guess. If i have no response this time tomorrow, then i will take it as over with.

 

If that guy you text can't be bothered to say hi back then he's not worth your trouble anyway. Nomatter how hard that is to see right now.

[Anon333]

Thanks Pace..I think you are right..We need to start seeing ourselves as worth more...The guy who isnt responding, is dealing with his own issues, so I have no right to get mad at him..Im just hurt..I was the one that broke things off, but he was obviously still pinning for his ex...We both deserve people that want us and would respond excitedly to us when we contact them..I know there are people who text me, that like me, and I try to reply kindly without leading them on....They are even more aggressive, asking to hang out..And I try to just avoid showing interest like that.....I guess I should be more direct..But my point is, totally ignoring someone is just the biggest insult..Let me know if you ever hear back from this girl..Ill let you know what happens in my situation..Have a feeling I'll hear nothing...

[Batya33]

You can't be sure he received it. If I wanted to get back in touch with someone I would not do it unless I felt comfortable calling the person when I thought they would be there to answer the call, and having a conversation. I might e-mail but only if I knew he checked his email regularly - but even so, that's too impersonal.

 

if he received your text he is not responding because he doesn't wish to. Period. "Why" is really irrelevant especially since you can drive yourself nuts with all the possible reasons.

[Anon333]

Yeah..So he did eventually respond....I had texred him.."Hope you are doing well..dont be afraid to call me if you want to talk or hang out...Have a good day..." Left it in his court...He wrote..."Ive been good, hope you've been good too! We are playing a show at .... Tonight so that should be fun"...

 

So at least he wrote back and was friendly..He probably felt obligated to..He didnt invite me to go to the show, or say anything about calling me..so I think he was just being polite..But I think I put accross exactly what I needed to..That I am still open, and was just hoping he was well..I DO NOT intend to ever text or call him again...It is TOTALLY in his court now...He knows I want him to call to hang out, and he knows that I know it is based on where he is at in his head.....So at least I can now walk away feeling like I did my best..I have no regrets I wrote that to him..Just now I move on...And can only hope he might be interested down the road...But there is no telling what the future will be...Do you guys agree with all this? His response was totally just him trying to respond out of being polite...ANyway...Again, it may take months for him to get over his heartache...Maybe I scared him away for good cause I liked him so much..I wish I wasnt so easy for him and had him guessing..But I guess not contacting him anymore will make me be unavailable now...

 

Im pretty sad tonight...But Im okay with how things have ended now....

[pace of ace]

Yeah don't contact again. It may make him start getting curious and contact you. It may not also but you have nothing to gain by contacting him again. Simply put, if he wants to see you, let him contact you. If he wants to he will, and if he doesn't then he wont

[Batya33]

I agree that the ball is in his court and I don't think he is interested in dating you at this time, sorry to say. The good thing is that now you can move on completely and know that if there was a shred of doubt about how you left things back then, he now knows that you are interested in dating him and you've confirmed where he stands too. I don't think your being "unavailable" is going to make much of a difference at this point based on his response. I totally agree that you shouldn't contact him again for any reason because that might annoy him a bit and i know you care for him and wouldn't want to do that.

Time to do fun distracting things for a few days and I promise you'll feel better. Hang in there.

[Anon333]

Thanks all again...I think I did my best in this situation, without totally being obsessed psycho girl...He obviously knows I like him....And I hope that isnt what has put him off......Anyway, if he wants me the ball is in his court. I dont think it has anything to do with him not liking me, and moreso with him still being heartbroken about his ex....BUT, I do wonder if he is able to date other women, or if he really is just torn about his ex and only tried dating me cause he really liked me..Guess I'll never know..

 

I think I will see him or bump into him eventually some months down the road, and then there is always another chance..Right now I am trying to force something that just isnt there...SO now I have to work on controlling my own life, not his..I get depressed easily, and I know it sounds silly to say I have been depressed about a guy I have only known a few weeks, but I really have been..And now I have to pull myself up....I want to be confident an awesome for anyone else who may come my way, or if I bump into this guy some day.....Got to get it together!!

[pace of ace]

Its not silly. How you feel about it is how you feel about it and nobody has the right to tell you its silly. Everyone is different, some people can just shrug the disappoinment off others it hits them a bit harder.

 

At least you've acknowledged there is nothing you can do to change it. You'll feel better in a week or two i'm sure.

[Anon333]

thanks pace....i still cant hope to think that some time down the road it will work out...I never met anyone that I really liked right off the bat that way...But when I think of this strong feeling, I also think that he is probably looking toward hopes with his ex some time down the road...He may hold onto that hope for months or more....At some point I would hope he loses that hope and tries something new..Like me...

 

Do you think since, we kinda dated briefly while he was still upset about his ex, that lessens the chance he'd want to ever try again with me? Ive heard of those scenarios...Being a passing band aid...But in all sincerity, I think he really liked me...

[Batya33]

I think if this had to do with him being heartbroken he would want to make absolutely sure that you knew that and he would have responded to your text by calling you and telling you that so that he could hear your voice and know that you knew 100% what the reason was - or at least a very clear text. I do not think you should take this personally at all. He enjoyed his time with you, and when he was no longer enjoying it, for whatever reason or no reason at all, he took the out you gave him. I think he told you it was his ex because in part it was and in part he wanted to let you down easy.

 

It reminds me of my friend who met her husband at a bar. He called her the next day and told her he would not be asking her out until he was over his recent ex but that he would call her in two months. She forgot about him. He called her two months later when he was ready to date again, and proposed 6 months later.

 

That is the more typical way to handle that situation (not to the letter, just that way rather than dating someone when you're not ready, then cutting things off, then sending a polite message in response to a text with no mention of "status" or dating or whatever) because the person who sees future potential doesn't want to mess it up just because of bad timing, and also doesn't want to keep the person hanging on unnecessarily, so they find a way to reassure the person that in the future they might be ready while also letting the person be free to date others.

[Anon333]

Batya, you could be completely right..But how would he be able to to tell me he wants to date me in the future if head was all muddled with his ex, or even possibilities of him being with her...Maybe you are right and he was attracted to me, and then my personality turned him off. I dunno...He gave me very little to leave with...I was always the one talking...He pretty much said he was hurt..Said he was not over his ex in so many ways, actually I pretty much had to pull that out of him too....I could not see him saying, give me a couple months to heal when he is so distraught about his ex, he is hoping in a couple months maybe she will be back with him...I dont think he even has gotten to the stage of acceptance..I could be wrong....

 

I could see if he met me and was past the acceptance stage and just had things to sort out, then I could see him saying Ill call you in a few months, but from the way he acted and from what little he told me, he is still crushed...I dunno...I cant see him dating anyone else...But if he did Id be pretty hurt...He was psyched about me...Was very touchy and sweet and told me I was beautiful, but did not do it out of trying to sleep with me....But when I left, he would be left alone in an apartment he shared with his ex, probably thinking of her with her new boyfriend......I think he DID like me....Maybe now he doesnt....But I think he could like me again if he got over his ex.....Am I just tricking myself? Maybe I am so used to guys liking me and not being rejected that I assume he has to like me....?

[Anon333]

surf, you are right about me being a rebound...Basically for the simple fact he still wasnt over his ex..BUT...He did not pore out his heart and soul to me and make pretend to to have this amazing connection with me...There was a comfort with him that I dont have with other guys...It wasnt about intense and passionate love, but he was very easy to be with and I really fell hard for him because he was an honest person..I dont think he used me...He made it clear when we first met that he really wanted to get to know me and take it slow and that he had just gotten out of a relationship...I dont think he was even ready to have sex yet, although we did fool around...We basically hung out as friends and had a good time together in my opinion....BUT, I guess what I was feeling obviously was not what he was feeling, most likely because he was still thinking about his ex......

 

You say to stop making a fool of myself and do anything else I regret..Ive been so cautious and made a few mistakes, but none I thought were that epic...I hope I am not totally wrong and you all think I have totally freaked him out..If anything, isnt it an ego boost a girl likes you? Especially when dealing with breakups...I was the one that let go, and I have just loosely contacted him in the past 3 weeks or so...(2 times)..But I AM letting it go right NOW...I know for sure he does not want me now, because he is not ready, or he just didnt feel a connection.....I dunno...Im letting it go, but I cant help to think that some time down the road he might think he missed out.....

[Batya33]

I think if he saw any potential for the future he would want you to know that loud and clear. I think you have your answer by the fact that he didn't contact you and by his response to your text - not the response of a man who is interested in dating a lady and on top of that he mentioned going out and having fun. Please do yourself a big favor, stop overanalyzing this, move on and if he decides in the future to ask you out on a date again, you'll deal with it then but there is no purpose in keeping him on your emotional radar for any reason.

 

And yes I understand all that he said and did but you need to focus on what he is saying and doing now - and especially what he is not saying and doing - and your focus should be to get him off your radar ASAP rather than musing, speculating and focusing on what happened for the few weeks you dated.

[Anon333]

Thanks..You are both right...I think time down the road will make me realize I was being crazy chasing after someone who not only was not interested in me, but was so unbalanced and unable to communicate..I guess he just didnt want to hurt my feelings..Not to sound conceited..But the hard thing to understand is that he should have been psyched about me and him....He was pretty avarage looking, but I was totally attracted to him...Dont know why..But most guys think I am attractive, most guys think Im easy to like...If he wasnt going through being so heart broken, I think he'd totally dig me...Seriously..It must be the fact that out of all the guys that like me..I like this guy...Isnt it always the case? The one person you really want to be with wants to be with someone else...Its endless....

 

But I do not want to date anyone unless I really feel it..And it is so rare I do..I just have to let go of that glimmer of possibility with him and move on and look elsewhere...Thanks for knocking some sense into me you guys....It really is all healing and moving up from here...I will miss him, but I think what I will miss most is what I thought was there but wasnt,,,...I still think we will run into eachother or he will call me some day down the road...by then I hope I can hold my chin up...I dont want to be angry..but it almost feels better to be angry at him than sad, even though he didnt really try to lead me on or do anything wrong...

[Batya33]

Sounds like a good attitude about this guy. As far as levels of attractiveness consider whether you're confusing physical features with attraction - the two are often not linked so even though you have attractive features it doesn't mean that men will feel chemistry with you more than with women whose features are not as attractive as yours are. Also consider whether you "feel it" mostly with men who are challenges because they are unavailable.

 

I can relate to that feeling from the past - it's more of a challenge sometimes to "feel it" when the person is available and into you but if you are willing to forego those intense butterflies when you're with a man who is just a bit distant, just a bit unavailable, and give a chance for a spark to grow with someone who is genuinely into you you might see the great rewards in that.

[Anon333]

Thanks Batya..Well, he was initially attracted to me...When we first met we both coulnt stop talking and laughing...He also acted like he was attracted to me the whole time we were together..He initiated the touching, and rubbing my shoulders etc...Told me I was beautiful..But like somone said about rebounders, he did not talk open and deeply with me about anything too serious..We mainly just enjoyed eachothers company..We had similar sense of humor, both loves watching movies, he was vegetarian and I was vegan....So we had things in common......I just think the emotional connection which may have to do with a "spark", wasnt there for him, most likely because he cant stop thinking about his ex...This is what I truly think..

 

I am more set in my head to move on though.....I really think if it was right timing, there could have been a real mutual affection and relationship...And I still really believe all signs of him not being over his ex are the reason it didnt work..I mean, the day he flaked out on me with plans I wanted to make for the following week, was the day his ex was supposed to come and get the rest of her stuff from his apartment...I didnt know that till later...I just really dont think he could date anyone right now, unless he was just their friend and it progressed to something else...I could be wrong, but that is really what my instincts tell me...I know deep down he wasnt ready or into me in any way close to what I wanted...What makes me feel better in my head is chalking this up to a "crush", that didnt work out....Instead of other ways I was thinking it........Cant hope but to think he will regret losing out down the road....