Mixed Signals!! - Does he want more? (but just not right now?) Help!?

[froddi]

Hi, Im hoping someone can give me some advice. I am aware that i may be and probably am reading too much into this!!!!!! But its playing on my mind.

 

 

 

Ive been seeing this guy. He's been going through a lot of personal stuff . Neither of us want a big serious relationship - just take it easy. I think both of us wern't sure what the other wanted, Lot of mixed signals! He said he doesn't want labels, just wants to hang out etc. I think he may have thought i wanted more, but i dont. Hanging out with him would suit me fine. He went a little distant for awhile - he said he felt that we were getting too close too soon, he got scared. His previous relationship, ended badly.

 

 

We agreed 2 be 'friends for now'. He said something about not ruling it out soon/later etc.

 

 

He continues to hold my hand. Then when im driving, my hands are on the wheel and he continues to rub my leg. .....

 

 

We spoke a bit about 'us' a bit more and he said 'we'll talk about it soon ok'. .... . . . .As he left, we did the kiss on the cheek - Then he leaned back in to kiss again - it didn't get all lips, but it didn't seem it was aimed at the cheek again. It wasn't one of those quick kisses on each cheek. he pulled away, and then leaned back in.

 

 

To me, it shows he wants to, but right now he has a lot of things on his mind and wants to get them sorted. I know he doesn't want to rush into things - and i think he may have thought i did. There hasn't been a lot of communication previously!! I do understand the problems he has.

 

 

He said recently that he bottles up his problems and doesn't tell people, but has recently opened up to me about a big problem he was having. He told me he broke down in tears. ( i dont know, but im guessing men dont admit they cry...)

 

 

As we are going with friends, how often would it be appropriate to see one another during a week? Just once? Just twice? if we go with friends, there isn't that 'pressure' of relationship. We are just hanging out. Its making me very confused!! lol.

 

 

I dont want to loose the friendship either, so is it a good idea to try and keep making plans with him?. When we are together, we get along great, and its not awkward for either of us! He has made the first intital contact (via text message tho), for the past 2 days.

 

 

any advice its appreicated.

[cruzer]

Neither of us want a big serious relationship - just take it easy. He said he doesn't want labels, just wants to hang out etc. I think he may have thought i wanted more, but i dont. Hanging out with him would suit me fine.

 

This answers your question...

 

Neither of u want anything big or serious just a casual dating or good friends.

 

You said hanging out with him suits u fine, so why are u asking if there is more?

 

It seems as if he wants more, but is not sure he is ready. Continue hanging out and getting to know each other and when he is ready im sure he will let u know, or it will be very obvious.

[alli]

You said there were a lot of mixed signals. Why don't you tell him what you want, too? That way there will be no more confusion. It sounds like you like each other as more than friends but just don't want to be in a relationship. There is a middle between those two: casual dating. I would say hanging out once a week would be appropriate for casual dating, but there's no rule.

[froddi]

This answers your question...

 

Neither of u want anything big or serious just a casual dating or good friends.

 

You said hanging out with him suits u fine, so why are u asking if there is more?

 

It seems as if he wants more, but is not sure he is ready. Continue hanging out and getting to know each other and when he is ready im sure he will let u know, or it will be very obvious.

 

Okay thanks. Yeah. He doesn't want a big full on relationship, - which he neglected to tell me - he feels bad for that - but i think he thought i did, which i dont. We were sexually involved too. I know im reading to much into everything. from what he has said, i think he's scared or whatever to get close to someone. Unless thats just a lie. ...........

 

is hanging out once a week enough to get to know each other tho?

 

Im just a little concerned that he's stringing me a long. Keeping me there just incase. Sure it'd hurt a bit, but i'd prefer him to come out and say it if theres no chance. Coz im wasting my time.

[froddi]

You said there were a lot of mixed signals. Why don't you tell him what you want, too? That way there will be no more confusion. It sounds like you like each other as more than friends but just don't want to be in a relationship. There is a middle between those two: casual dating. I would say hanging out once a week would be appropriate for casual dating, but there's no rule.

 

Thanks Alli.

 

Yeah a lot of mixed signals. I dont want to come accross to him as clingy, coz im not. I just want to know where i stand with him. At the start we were in touch every day - probably too much actually. We'd see each other once a week and he'd be all over me. He told me he felt he was getting to close to me....? That could be a line.

 

I have NO experience in this, so a lot of the things he has said/says i probably just believe. This is the first time ive been with a guy - he knows this. And he understands now that he needs to be upfront. I dont want to be clingy, its not me. He has made the first contact the past few days.... i like my own space and i know he does too. I dont need to be around him all the damn time. i just need to know where i stand. - Friends - Friends for now - dating - seeing each other - hanging out..... i am finding it very confusing.

 

Coz i feel like im hanging on to that small little bit still...when im probably wasting my time. Im beginging to wonder if i should start looking else where for someone who will treat me better. I have a few health issues and the worrying about this, is well, not doing me anygood! lol.

 

 

Do i tell him that at the beginging, i felt very happy that i met him or felt happier in general? He makes me smile etc etc.... and i was very happy going along with what we were doing.. hang out and having fun etc etc.....i just want to do it more.??? or is that too much? I just dont want their to be any more mixed signals. He said he'll be more upfront/honest and i want to too. It becomes messy otherwise.

[uhohlala]

I sense a contradiction here. In earlier posts you've said that you're fine just hanging out, spending time together when you both feel like it -- no relationship pressure or need for labels. You said just now:

 

I dont want to be clingy, its not me. He has made the first contact the past few days.... i like my own space and i know he does too. I dont need to be around him all the damn time.

 

But then you go on to say:

 

Coz i feel like im hanging on to that small little bit still...when im probably wasting my time.

 

Which makes it sound like you want something more than casual dating wherein neither of you feel that there's a "relationship" to nurture.

 

And you go on to say:

 

i was very happy going along with what we were doing.. hang out and having fun etc etc.....i just want to do it more.??? or is that too much? I just dont want their to be any more mixed signals. He said he'll be more upfront/honest and i want to too. It becomes messy otherwise.

 

So it kind of sounds to me that you were fine at the outset with a casual situation, but over time you've come to want more from him. But you sense that he's not on the same page, and so you're trying to force yourself to maintain the position that you started out in: very light and casual.

 

You don't need to defend to anyone -- yourself or this guy -- why you now want more from him, and from your relationship with him. It's only natural that attachment and feelings grow the longer you're involved with someone.

 

I think that you're afraid that if he's not on the same page as you, voicing your wish to have more from him will precipitate a break-up. Take it from me: by keeping silent you will only post-pone the inevitable, and the longer you let it go (hoping that his feelings will change with time and that he'll come to want what you want?), the worse it will be when it ends.

 

Be honest: tell him that the very casual nature of your interaction with him was fine in the beginning, but you've found that at this point you want more if you two are going to continue to see each other. It doesn't have to be an aggressive conversation if you're anxious about conflict. Just tell him what you want (more time with him, more engagement and thoughtful interaction), and let him know that if he's not up for that, then the two of you have reached the end of your travels together and it's time to part ways.

 

On the other hand, perhaps you'll be pleasantly surprised and discover that he does want (more or less) what you want!

[froddi]

Uhohlala,

 

Thanks 4 your reply.

 

See, im very confused! lol.

 

I am happy just hanging out with him. We were intimate, and he is very touchy feely. I guess, i was happy just going along with that. Maybe, i think i just want it to happen more often. I dont need a 'promise' of a relationship. Its not that at all. I think he's scared at jumping in to a relationship. he's previous one ended badly.

 

But when he says about not ruling it out in the future/or friends for now/ or something , i cant remember his exact words, it confused me either more. I feel like im "waiting around" on a maybe. Thats what i was referring to when i said 'im hanging on to that small bit'. Just for us to do what we were doing before.

 

Maybe it is what you say though. But i think he needs to be totally honest. Be blunt. Let me get the point. Dont dodge around it. Coz, it leaves me wondering.

 

All i thought, is that, we'd see each other more. Just hang out. etc. But just more than once a week. I think i need to tell him that. But i think he's scared of getting too close to someone.

 

See at the start, our interaction, there was a LOT. He was in contact a LOT. I hate the fact i keep thinking back to then. Which i guess, in a way, maybe i miss that. Is it ok to tell him that? We were in contact a lot, maybe too much but oh well, and i just miss that a little? I dont need the same amount or anything.

 

But i think your right. I need him to say either friends, or what we were doing. Dont keep me on a string, or on a maybe. I may as well look elsewhere.

 

He is causing me to worry soooooo much! Yes, over nothing im sure. Do i tell him that its not doing me any good? So he is aware that his mixed signals, condraticions are confusing me. I have recently found out i have a tiny heart problem, and told him and he was conerned, but this worrying over what we are, him and that, is NOT doing me any good. Should i tell him? Im not blaming him. Lord no. Its my own fault, but just so he knows, the mixed signals he is giving, confuses me and makes me worry

 

oh and also, this is my first relationship (and he knew). Things happened too quickly, yes. I do not have any experience in this. so probably believed him when i shouldn't. And in some way, i think he should know better......

[uhohlala]

Uhohlala,

 

But when he says about not ruling it out in the future/or friends for now/ or something , i cant remember his exact words, it confused me either more. I feel like im "waiting around" on a maybe. Thats what i was referring to when i said 'im hanging on to that small bit'. Just for us to do what we were doing before.

 

I think the point is that regardless of what things were like when you first started seeing each other, right now you are not happy with the level of interaction that you're having. (btw, how long have you been dating?)

 

Maybe it is what you say though. But i think he needs to be totally honest. Be blunt. Let me get the point. Dont dodge around it. Coz, it leaves me wondering.

 

I think you're misconstruing the situation; the person who needs to be blunt and honest is you! He apparently doesn't have a problem with the way things are right now. You do. So rather than asking him what he wants, you need to tell him what you want. Scary though that might be; I know it's difficult to speak about wanting something when you don't know if he wants it too. But the very simple truth is that you want more interaction with him than you're getting right now. No need for further interpretation or guessing!

 

But i think he's scared of getting too close to someone.

 

That might be so, but you will not be doing yourself or him any favors by not telling him what you want because you're trying to accommodate his (possible) fear of getting too close.

 

He is causing me to worry soooooo much! Yes, over nothing im sure. Do i tell him that its not doing me any good?

 

YES!

 

Good luck -- I know how hard it is to bring up something like this if you think there's a chance that your SO doesn't want the same things. But sooner or later this mismatch will catch up with you, and believe me (as someone who has quite a bit of relationship experience!) the longer that you leave it, the worse it will be when the inevitable happens.

[Batya33]

I would focus on what he said in this case. He said he doesn't want a relationship with you (whether he will in the future - you should put that out of your mind, it's irrelevant). If he is touching you in a romantic way, I wouldn't read into it that it means he wants a relationship - he just likes being touchy feely and he feels free to do that without you feeling led on or getting mixed signals because..... he told you he doesn't want a relationship with you and you can't complain then if you get attached to him romantically.

 

It doesn't much matter "why" he doesn't want a relationship with you -- and I would have that mindset because tomorrow, despite his "complicated" life he might meet a woman he does want a relationship with and since he never said he wanted one with you right now, that's ok. I don't buy his whole "too much going on" excuse - for the vast majority of people, that's an excuse so that they can have no strings attached hanging out and hooking up. If he really saw potential for a future relationship, he wouldn't want to risk messing up that potential by hanging out and hooking up - he would want to wait until he could give you his all and meanwhile perhaps keep in touch as platonic friends only.

 

Also, I don't see the big difference between taking you out on dates to get to know you as far as compatibility for a relationship despite his "complicated life" - most men I know (most people) would never want to turn off a special person from the get go with "I only want to date casually" if they saw any potential for a future relationship, even if life was complicated (or, if it was so complicated they wouldn't risk dating at that time and keep it platonic).

 

I would if I were you see him as often as you can without getting romantically attached to him and keep it 100% platonic. Explain to him that if he wants more, he should let you know when his life is all sorted out and he is ready to have a relationship with you.

[froddi]

Thank You Uhohlala & Batya33,

 

Yeah of course im the one thats not happy with the way things are. If he wants to just be friends. fine. i can do that. But i hate that he said something about just for now/not ruling it out. I dont know why im hanging on to that. He knows ive never been in a relationship before, so things to me, i find much more complicated and confusing.

 

ALSO, at the start, he was pretty full on. In a great way. He asked to be my boyfriend....? He joked about being in love and marriage, and we're gonna do a lot of travelling together and a lot of other stuff too - i know in most, he was joking, but i could not see the point in saying it! I do realise, i took his word / believed him too much.

 

I also think, because he is the first guy, who's really paid me ANY attention, i jumped in too quickly and in some ways, talked me into stuff. Im not blaming him tho.

 

 

Since i posted the original post, in my mind im a lot clearer. I'm kind of over it. I think im just gonna drop off the radar a bit. maybe. If he really wants a friendship, he will contact me. right. lol. we'll see i guess. if he doesn't, it gives me an answer......

 

Yeah maybe your right Batya33, maybe the excuses/reasons he is giving is just a lie, or line. I have no experience in this, so i probably believe him when i shouldn't. Grrr. Looking back, theres probably a few red flags - but at the time, i didn't know.

 

Well, i might be seeing him this weekend. If i dont, and he either doesn't let me know, or says he is busy........ im moving on. giving up on him. Friends sure, if it'll work, but i think i need to find someone who wants what i want and treats me better. lol. probably should have done that a while ago, but i think it needed time to 'sink' in. If he was upfront from the begigning of what he wanted or didn't want (i was with him.) we wouldn't be in this mess.

[Batya33]

I don't think he lied. He said what he felt when he was smitten and infatuated, he said what he felt when those feelings changed - we can't assume he was lying at either time. He is not really lying when he says his life is too complicated - he just doesn't want to hurt you by saying that he doesn't want to put in the effort to have a relationship with you (we all have complicated lives right?). In the very beginning it's a better idea to watch what a person does rather than what he says if it has to do with falling in love, getting married etc but to watch what he says if what he says in the beginning is that he doesn't want a relationship with you because most people would not sabotage a potential relationship by saying that in the beginning unless it was true.

[froddi]

Actually, i think he did lie. Maybe not on purpose. But he did. He knew what i was looking for in the end. If he wasn't looking for a relationship or wanting to take things very very slow, he should have said so. Or said he's "unsure" or whatever. He never said that at the beginning. Never implied he wasn't. Heck, he even said once "it feels like we are a couple! ". .... maybe he was getting in over his head, but there are MANY things that he said or did to make me think otherwise.

 

I dont think he is lying when he says he has a lot going on. He does. He said his last relationship ended badly. And that he's affraid to get close to anyone and felt we were. Looking backing, the 2nd time we catched up, i mean, you would think we'd have been together months and months.... maybe that scared him a bit i dont know.

 

Yes, maybe his feelings have just changed, and thats fine, but he could have been honest when they did. But when i saw him in person, you would never think they had.....

 

Maybe he got scared. Maybe his feelings changed. I'll never know. But i do believe he lead me on and lied (or wasn't truthful, which is basically the same thing).. the part i hate the most is i regret it.

[Batya33]

I am not sure how someone lies if they did not intend to lie as you wrote. For me, unless a man agreed to be exclusive with me but was lying when he agreed that would be a lie. If his feelings changed, then yes he should tell me before dating other people or tell me in a reasonable period of time.

We all have a lot going on in our lives, we all have exes - there are situations where there is so much going on the person is not available to date anyone at that time, but i am always a bit suspicious if I hear of a situation where the person is available to hook up but not available for a relationship because of "too much going on".

 

Next time, I would get to know someone over a period of time - see the person twice a week for the first two months at most, don't talk every day, keep your own life going - and be a bit cautious of people who make huge statements about how you're "the one" and how they're "in love" when they barely know you - it could work out great but often the person is infatuated and needy and in love with love, not the near stranger before them (even though they're not "lying").

[froddi]

Well, ok then. May its not exactly "lying" but he wasn't upfront. He hid the truth. He wouldn't have got sex if he told me the truth and thats probably why. He knew he wasn't being truthful. I see that is kinda as lying. I feel he took advantage a tiny bit.. He knew i never had.

 

Well i dont think the not wanting a relationship is for "too much going on". From what he has said to me, he is scared of getting close, maybe doesn't want to be "tied down" (he didn't say that), and his last one ending badly and said something about trust issues. Unless thats just it, he felt he was getting to close and is backing off coz he doesn't want to be that close to any one right now. Maybe not. If he doesn't see a relationship at all, - e.g lost interest, i wish he would just say, none of this nice bull * * * * stuff to keep me hanging on.

 

I had made up my mind previouslly then he says or does something, and it pulls me back in. i hate it.

 

Oh i know. believe me. i wish i never met him now, but its happened, and i will feel better eventually i guess. I am feeling angry, confused and have a lot of regret. i wouldn't have slept with him. not for my first time. and with that, people say u never forget ur first, so arn't i lucky, i'll never forget the jerk now. Im hoping in time, my view of that will change and just tkae it as the "things happened for a reason" or "it was good/fun and he was nice at the time"........i wonder if "hating" him will be bad in the long run. just think "it happened." and find some one better.

 

I will never jump in so quickly again. lesson learned. i was too trusting with him. believed him too much. i will be more causious. And will not be in contact as much. We were in contact way to much really - but a lot of that was him!!!!!

 

Well, as i said. this is my first, i never had a guy saying stuff like that to me. i believed him when i shouldn't... i know some things were said jokenly, but i had NO experience to fall back on. What was i suposed to do? I had nothign to compare it to.

[Batya33]

I am sorry you feel badly about this but you will move on and you will be fine. My advice is not to have sex with someone unless you both agree to be exclusive, since it sounds like casual sex is not right for you (although there's nothing wrong with casual sex). Take care.

[froddi]

I am sorry you feel badly about this but you will move on and you will be fine. My advice is not to have sex with someone unless you both agree to be exclusive, since it sounds like casual sex is not right for you (although there's nothing wrong with casual sex). Take care.

 

Thank you Batya33.

 

 

 

I hope i will. Right now i feel crappy. One minute im fine. The next im feeling sick to my stomach. I keep thinking of the stuff we've done. I hate it! its driving me nuts.

 

Ha. yeah. Wont be doing sex until i know its exclusive. I dont want to go through this again. I was making my self sick - litterally. I stoped eating due to worry.

 

I dont think theres anything wrong with casual sex either - if both parties agree to it... I just wish he was upfront, coz i know i wouldn't be feeling this way if he was. He knew i never had before or had a boyfriend. I feel in to quickly. I dont know what it was about him. Im usually such a shy/reserved/quite person, and feel uncomfortable in social siutations, but i felt completely at ease and comfortable with him. I dont know why. Looking back there were a couple of times when i was with him, where he seemed that way, so maybe he did feel we were getting 2 close and he's just not ready to be in a relationship.

 

Im going to just drop off the radar for a bit. If he still cares/interested in friendship (or more) he will be in touch. if not, gives me an answer to how he feels lol.

 

i wish i could stop thinking about him tho....... i need to get him out of my head........

[Batya33]

Time will help I promise. I agree that since he knew you were inexperienced perhaps he should have been more clear but the way it's always worked for me is that I take full responsibility for myself in those situations and unless it is 100% clear that we are in a committed exclusive caring relationship with strong potential for the future -- and not based on joking around or comments made - then I don't have sex. But I agree that he should have taken some more care given your naivete. Sorry.

[froddi]

Time will help I promise. I agree that since he knew you were inexperienced perhaps he should have been more clear but the way it's always worked for me is that I take full responsibility for myself in those situations and unless it is 100% clear that we are in a committed exclusive caring relationship with strong potential for the future -- and not based on joking around or comments made - then I don't have sex. But I agree that he should have taken some more care given your naivete. Sorry.

 

Thanks Batya33.

 

I appreciate your advice.

 

Yeah, i know im part to blame, or take responsibility for my own actions, of course. But yeah, he should have been more clear knowing my situation! lol.

I was naive! Oh so naive. Lesson learned tho!

 

I dont regret loosing my virginity to him or anything (dont have any issues about that stuff), just regret over how it happened. At the time, and i think he still is, a nice guy. And very cute! I never thought a guy like him would like me! I would have thought he was out of my league or whatever. lol.

 

thanks again!