If someone is not over their ex in order to date you, does it just mean they arent into you?

[Anon333]

This is a pretty clear cut question....Is it possible someone could really like you and not be able to get over their ex enough to be with you? I started seeing a guy, and we got along great, but he started to seem distant a bit...His ex was still getting stuff from his apartment and contacting him..SHe had lived with him and they had broken up about two months earlier. At first he really tried to make plans with me and was affectionate, but finally I told him I see he is still struggling with issues and pulling away from me..WHy dont we just not hang out and you call me when youre ready...

 

Ive tried to read posts on here about people who are "not ready", and many people think this is an excuse, and that if you met the right person you REALLY liked, youd be ready no matter what...Is this true? Or do you think you can actually like someone a lot and just not be able to date them because the ex is still in the head? Would you call the person later down the line if you did finally heal, or would you just consider it a lost chance and bad timing? Has this ever happened to anyone from either side?

[ruffles]

No sweetie, no one can make you ready when your emotions are tied up somewhere else. You keep asking the same question over and over! Have you talked to him lately?

[Anon333]

ha...No, not since Thanksgiving..Im sorry...I think I need to quit ENA for awhile...I am giving him space and letting it be up to him to contact me if he ever wanted to..But a lot of people have said that if someone meets someone they really like, they will automatically be "ready"...I just wish I could have been able to do that with him..It hurts that he is still hurt over his ex when he seemed to really like me....

[Batya33]

No, it depends. Often I've found it is an excuse but of course there are exceptions. You continue to ignore that you are basing his level of interest on only three weeks dating you. Many people can have high levels of interest in someone, or be distracted from getting over an ex, for a three week period of time.

[Anon333]

Batya, I know me and you have gone through a long thread about it...I know that this could have easily have been a passing three week thing with no future possibility. There is no way to know, but to move on and see if I ever hear from him...What I wanted to know is if it is a common thing for someone to be right for someone but they just are not over their ex...Or if that is just an excuse and they dont like you enough....Like if it was another girl, maybe they liked more they would be ready...Or it doesnt matter....

 

forsaken, they lived together and were together about a year and a half..Broke up about two months ago, but stayed in contact...She had a boyfriend, but was still getting her stuff out of his apartment..There is no doubt in my mind he was CLEARLY distressed about the continued contact with ex....He told me right away as well, and was really upset about her stuff still being there and her still wanting to be friends....He admitted when he first met me, I stuck in his head and he really just wanted to get to know me and take it slow..We had an amazing three weeks together, and he never said he didnt want to stop hanging out, in fact, I sense he would have rather just loosely been able to get to know me slowly, but I think he saw me liking him more, while his ex was still contacting and hurting him..He couldnt concentrate....I broke it off...

[redhearts]

Your playing it smart by backing off or else you be a rebound. Unless they are really over their ex and just say they aren't then that is that they dont like you.

[Anon333]

thanks redhearts..I guess it is clear he really was not over his ex....Just wonder if he will be ready in the future..Hate to sound like Id be waiting around...Im not..No contact will have me fine in no time...But I wonder that if you really like and connected with a girl but were all wrapped up in ex drama, and then you got over your ex in time, wouldnt the first person you want to call be the girl you liked? But at the same time, he is willing to loose me to time..maybe he has no other option, or else I would be a rebound....He is being fair and honest to me, which sucks cause it makes me like him more!

[Anon333]

Thanks!!! I am giving him space and time..But even if I call him every other week or so to say hi, I feel like I will come accross as pursuing him...I want him to call me, but I think he realizes if he calls me, it will come accross as he is ready to be with me, or he is over his ex...Which I dont know if that is something black and white, more gradual....Im giving it a couple weeks to rethink..Im living my life and getting back on track on being single and happy again...Not letting it stop me....I think there is no doubt in my head that he is super damaged still by his ex, and the fact that he even had interest in me and I made him happy during this time, makes me feel good...He never pressured me into sex, and was pretty honest and genuine.....He was a good soul in my eyes...I think he saw that in me too, and hopefully trusted me...I will just give it time..thanks everyone..

[ruffles]

ha...No, not since Thanksgiving..Im sorry...I think I need to quit ENA for awhile...I am giving him space and letting it be up to him to contact me if he ever wanted to..But a lot of people have said that if someone meets someone they really like, they will automatically be "ready"...I just wish I could have been able to do that with him..It hurts that he is still hurt over his ex when he seemed to really like me....

 

I do think he really liked you but he was/is *fresh* out of a serious relationship and clearly not over it. Think of it this way, you *know* he really liked you, which is GREAT! When he's had some time to really move forward you'll be the first person he thinks of. And if you do start dating him in the future, you won't have too many concerns that you're a rebound and/or he's still not over his ex. This just might be a blessing in disguise!

[Anon333]

Yeah..Thanks so much ruffles..Im starting to see it that way..The only thing that was hard to get over is that I missed that connection I felt with him and being with him...But I think since it was so short a time, that I will be healed and okay...I will still probably think about him and wonder how he is doing..and by then, it will be like, if he calls then great..If not..Im okat with it..I think it is the first week or two that made me feel like..."why isnt he calling me..doesnt he miss me!"...But I really think his head is all messed up and he is doing me a favor..You all are the best..Thank you...

[Anon333]

forsaken..The calling thing is a little tricky..He tells me to call him any time....He said it when I first met him and he asked for my number..and he said it after we broke up...Him calling me is a different story..If he is not ready, I doubt he wants to lead me on....If he starts to be curious though, he might call...thats why Im a little nervous about just calling him here and there every week or so...I want to...But I think Ill give it a month or so.....Is that too long or too short?

[JadedStar]

Yes it can happen. Many a time when a person dates too soon and then realizes that they are not over the ex it mars the current relationship whereas if they had waited, and gotten the ex out of their system, it wouldn't be a black cloud hanging over them.

 

That person might really like you but knows that their heart is not completely back from their ex.

 

I think it takes a strong person to admit this ... and those that do avoid rebound relationships. A rebound is not really a rebound if the next person someone dates after an ex was long enough to where they no longer have feelings. A rebound is only when they date too soon before they have exorcised those feelings.

[reasonablegirl]

Anon - here is a real life scenario. My ex and I broke up. I was hurt. I spent a month or two trying to get myself together and then decided to try dating again. I met a guy I liked a lot but I was still in contact with my ex and was still hurting and was not ready to be in a relationship with someone else. I went on a few dates with the new guy and then told him I could not date him and was not ready.

 

I went on with my life, ended up getting back with my ex and then breaking up mutually for good less than a year later. By chance, I came accross the guy I had met during the first break up time and at that point I was ready and we dated.

 

Unfortunately at that point he was fresh out of a break up that he still has not gotten over years later and it never worked but - the point is - yes, a person can try again with someone they met when not ready to date. However, it may take the guy you are interested in a long time to get over his ex if they were living together and had a long-term relationship. Probably much longer than a month.

 

In my experience, if someone is not ready to date and you are mostly interested in being with that person for purposes of dating, you should not keep in contact and not try to be friends. Instead, go on with your life and enjoy it. And once you have kind of forgotten about that person and by chance his name pops into your head and you are simply curious, then it might be time to look him up and see where he is at. That way, if he is single and ready you can start fresh without any anxiety.

 

It sounds like this guy is getting a lot of your focus because you have no other prospects right now. Try and give yourself more options and move on so that you can either get past this guy and be able to give it a real shot should he come back into your life later or so that you can find a relationship with someone who is ready now.

[JadedStar]

Great post, i am sure this could be very helpful to Anon.

 

Another thing to remember Anon is a girl could be drop dead gorgeous and look great on paper, but if the guy's heart is still with another, it just won't work out.

 

I am sure SOME people have used this as an excuse to spare someone's feelings but often after a period of time after a break up the person is still fighting feelings for their ex.

 

Unfortunately this is what can make dating hard. So many people on the scene are freshly out of relationships and trying to date before they are ready. You see this a lot on dating sites. They put up that profile to be strong and move forward and go on a few dates, and that person might be great, but they just were not ready for it.

[Anon333]

Thank you all so much...You are all so sweet to respond and help me..and even show me links! I think the last few days I have been impatient and just want him to call me...You are right, I dont have too many friends, as I just moved here earlier this year and hadnt worked and wasnt so social the first half, so meeting him was kinda like a whirlwind of excitement and possibilities...for all I know, if he doesnt go no contact and is still back and forth with his ex, they could end up trying again and most likely breaking up again...This could end up taking a year or more..I would not be able to ever wait for someone this long..especially someone I met for only a couple weeks...But the connection with hims was super rare..I hope I find it with someone else...But just as much as I hope I find it with someone else..I hope I find it with him,,...I guess it just opened my eyes up to not wanting to be single...Even though I was so happy being single for so long...But I would never want to date the wrong person, and he seemed like the right person to me.....I guess I have to move on and let nature take its course..I feel more at peace now thanks to you all..I know Ill have moments when I think "what the hey, why not call him"..But right now I know it is best to keep my distance........You all rule!

[Anon333]

reasonable girl..Thank you for your story..I was really wondering if there might be one out there..Where you meet someone you like but werent into them, and then you try again later....As long as the person likes you undernieth everything they are going through, I guess there are numerous opportunities within a lifetime to meet up....It all about right person AND right time...That saying seems to ring so true lately.....I guess thats why it is so well known...I think we were right for eachother at the wrong time...If I happen to see him out with another girl..Ill know it was wrong person too! haha....Anyway, either him or someone else will hopefully come along at some point....

[JadedStar]

Well now that you know being back on the dating scene is the right thing, just look at the experience with him as just that - experience!

 

You will find the right guy and it will feel so much better knowing he isn't tied to someone else.

[Anon333]

thanks jaded star..The tough part is that I have not ever really clicked like that with anyone I have ever met...I know it was just an initial thing..But I felt close and comfortable with him..Usually I am a ball of nerves and anxiety..SO so rare....That is why I still have hope he will come around....But yeah....If I can click with someone like that, show me the way to someone who is available and will click with me...I hope they are out there..otherwise I may just be waiting for him...ya know?

[JadedStar]

What this experience has done is shown you that YES it can happen. And it will happen again with better circumstances. Look at the whole situation as a 'getting your feet wet' kind of scenario.

[Anon333]

thanks so much..I guess I just more frustrated with age...Im 29 and i think I get a little more anxious with age, because I rarely meet someone I click with, and it seems to only once in a blue moon.. (maybe every 5 years?) .....I feel like I was so close to having something that could have been great..Even if it didnt last, I wanted to share that connectionand those good times for as long as possible..No one really has made me feel that way in all honesty..All the boyfriends Ive dated, Ive never felt an instant connection, and I always felt like something was missing.....Now that I found that and now I see how rare it is, it is hard to just let it go and keep being single...But I guess I can find "sparks" in other parts of life besides relationships..I think I ll start trying that...

[JadedStar]

Oh STOP the presses everyone.

She is 29! ready to dry up and shrivel anyday!

 

LOL

 

YOu are young lady!

[Anon333]

haha..Youre a sweetheart...Thanks...But I do suddenly feel like everyone around me is 25 or younger....But that is probably another post.....

[Batya33]

"Batya, I know me and you have gone through a long thread about it...I know that this could have easily have been a passing three week thing with no future possibility. There is no way to know, but to move on and see if I ever hear from him...What I wanted to know is if it is a common thing for someone to be right for someone but they just are not over their ex...Or if that is just an excuse and they dont like you enough....Like if it was another girl, maybe they liked more they would be ready...Or it doesnt matter...."

 

As I wrote, I don't think there is a generalized answer to that -- and it also can change week by week - so if he is not ready now, but next week he is feeling more grounded and happens to meet someone who he clicks with, it might be different than it was when he met you -- no real way to tell, or to quantify. As I also wrote in general in my collective experience it is an excuse with the typical exception being someone who is not yet divorced because going through a divorce, even if it's "just financial" is typically some sort of emotional rollercoaster and added to that is the status of still being married which to many is not just a piece of paper. That was not your situation, I understand.

 

I do think there are degrees of knowing whether there is future potential for a relationship and that is why I mentioned the three week situation - in my opinion it is typically much easier to evaluate future potential after dating steadily for 6 to 9 months than for three weeks.

 

I do agree that you will know whether he wants to date you if he calls you and asks you out on a date.

 

I also think that you - like many - are elevating the importance of an "instant connection" unrealistically - as if the instant connection is related in the least to a strong connection over time. It can be, it just as easily cannot be because you were feeling that connection to a stranger and, after three weeks, to not much more than a stranger. It's so easy when yiu feel that strongly about a near stranger to proclaim that "I just know it's the right person" or "he seems like the right person" because it is in a vacuum. Raykay did a great thread about 'fools rush in" on this topic.

 

Sparks/connection whatever you want to call it can develop over time and in my experience those are just as valuable if not more so than the instant flame because they are based far more on knowing the real person over time.

 

Obviously the instant connection can hit harder, seem more magical and be more yummy because it comes with no real responsibilities or obligations to the other person similar to those when you're in a real relationship - it becomes far more about you and what you feel than the other person who you actually don't know well in the least (except perhaps sexually/physically).

 

So, even if you just felt that "instant connection" every 5 years it would be irrelevant to whether you could meet someone who is a good match for you and who you click with on every level far far more often, as long as you were willing to get to know someone over time without judging him by whether you felt that strong connection right away vs. over time.

[sparkles4]

In my experience, I've been in situations where someone was pursing me after I'd just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't over my ex yet. It wasn't that I didn't like the person, it was just that I was unable to like ANYONE at the time. I tried to force myself to feel something for them and convince myself to like them, but I wasn't yet capable of having feelings for anyone other than my ex. In some cases I developed feelings for these people later on, but in other cases I never did.

 

Give him some time and space. Maybe he can't like you yet, but will be able to in the future once his feelings for his ex begin to fade.

[islandj]

Well Anon, seems we're indeed going through a very similar situation, I think there is not really a way to know if they arent over their ex or they're just using as an excuse, either way they are just not that into us at this time..

 

I have someone that I met not so long ago that seems to be really into me, but because of this other guy I havent really pursued anything, he seems to be a great guy its just bad timing I guess..