Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I have a post on here a couple posts down where I describe a situation with a guy that I was seeing for a few weeks...He is not over dealing with his break up with his ex and I took offense and felt protective and broke things off. he didnt seem that bothered with it, seems he liked me, and maybe felt a little rejected by me but maybe a little relieved, I dont know..He hasnt called me, as I left it up to him to call me. I kinda broke the no contact already and called him and he said I could call any time....I asked him if it was a good idea what we did, and he just said "i dont know, probably" but that he liked me.....He is so vague...I feel he is in pain and hanging out with me casually could take his mind off things and also alow me to get to know him better. I regret not being more open about hanging out and just taking it slower..I am thinking of calling him Wednesday and just seeing if he wants to see a movie and take it slow again. His rejection will help me know he is not into me at all, and his agreeing to it will help me see maybe he does really want to get to know me and is interested....I miss him a lot and just feel like I should do what I feel and not play games. If he isnt into it, than it will make things clearer, cause I really dont know how he feels..I try to ask him, but it never seems to be clear answers or questions...should I wait a couple weeks, or should I ask him this wednesday to get it over with..or should I just move on and forget about him...? You can read the whole story in the post down from this asking how people's relationships started off... Link to comment
ftheunion Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Well guys aren't emotional or savy of them, so asking him his progress play by play aint the best. You won't get the Madden breakdown of things about guys and emotions. Well after a breakup there is mass confusion for a guy. So it would be kinda rich and stuck up like to try and create a fork in the road for his and your fate. Sure take things SLOW and if your honest hanging out with him isn't bad. Maybe wait a week or two since YOU are the one who wanted the time off. Anyway good luck just be patient and careful of desire. The Master said, Imperturbable, resolute, tree-like, slow to speak--such a one is near to goodness. Confucious - The Analects Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 thanks..I think I will stick to giving him a couple weeks space and ask him if he wants to hang out casually as friends and see if there is a distance or connection still if he even wants to hang out with me...Probably he would be more interested in hanging out if I gave him some time....But yeah...I have no clue what is going on in his mind...I know he is upset over his ex still, so I totally want to give him space and time, but I still want to get to know him and maybe even get his mind off things and take things light...I have to be cautious of myself though, Ive already stepped a little too far with things.....Thanks ftheunion....I had a moment of weakness and sooo wanted to call him up like it was no big deal..But I think giving him space could be a huge deal breaker for anything possible...right? Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Don't plan on a time limit on the space. Just give him as much space as he needs - leave it up to him to choose whether or not hang out with you. It's not gameplaying, you're just respecting his need to think about stuff and to get over his ex. Pressure from you will only make that worse. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 If you're not careful you're likely to be used as a band-aid and left behind. It'll break your heart. Someone fresh out of a relationship isn't relationship material. You can't rush that or change it. You might get someone past a bad breakup, but once they're there they tend to climb right over any person foolish enough to become anchored in old pain. Why not just keep in touch now and then--let him get LONG over his past before you become any more invested than you already are? In your corner. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 catfeeder, thats a good idea...and zeitgiest, I know you are right about giving him space and time to heal, but I also rejected him kinda and worry that even if he is healing or starting to feel better, he will not think of me....So should I just check in on him every couple weeks and not ask him out? Just call to say hello and just talk about light easy things, catch up on life? I feel like his feelings for me could grow though if we could casually hang out....and his feelings for his ex could be less...I know that has happened to me....But right now, you are both right...He is not even ready for a casual thing i think, and maybe he just would never be ready with me...But there was an initial attraction and a good connection, so I can only hope he would still remember that..anyone have any experience or knowledge of seeking someone out they met while going through a break up after they were ready to date? does that kinda stuff happen? Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Until he's over the ex, it's not a good idea to try to establish anything. Even if he does choose to start something with you, you will feel insecure because you won't know if he's picking you because he likes you or because he's looking for someone to fill an emotional void. Neither will he. Not a good situation. My $0.02 is that you have to pass on him until he's over the ex, as difficult as that might be. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 yeah...Its hard because what if he just choses another girl to date and it ends up something serious, I will feel like I screwed up because he was open to take it slow and get to know me and I rejected him even though he was being honest about his feelings...At some point, whether someone is 100% healed from a pastg relationship, or 60% healed, he will want to get to know some girls and take it slow and date...and maybe he will be unsure about calling me up because we had that little fling, and calling me up might make him feel he is automatically admitting to me he is ready for something serious...I just want to take it slow too...No time frame is hard...I know I just need to try and move on and forget about him, but that is like asking someone to walk away from a possible winning lottery ticket...I dont often feel the way about him with anyone...in fact I dont think I ever had...I will give him space and live my life, but I dont want to feel I pushed him away.....He needs his space, but he needs to know there is a cute girl right here who would be willing to go to a movies with him if he feels like it.... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Okay..one last thing..I keep flipping back and forth in my head..But rethinking things, maybe he needs a little push from a cute girl to help him get through this. I know he needs space, and I am giving it to him, but Im sure (as he said) a phone call from me would be welcomed (maybe in two weeks?)....I cant wait around....I NEED to either take it slow with him and feel like we are each at least putting in some cautious effort to get to know eachother OR I need to just walk away. If I call him in two weeks and he is not ready to even try hanging out, I will know better to move on..It will make it easier for me.....I know you disagree with me...But I cannot be waiting months and wondering what is going on..Im sure Ill still think that way to a degree, but it will be easier to move on when I know more in a couple weeks....is this horrible? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 You're now sounding like a control-freak, and that's the perfect way to lose him. You can't cover up vibes like that--you have to legitimately back off and trust whether it's meant to be. If he's really into you, he won't let you get away. But if you don't pipe-the-hell d.o.w.n. you'll chase him away, for sure. In your corner. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I guess you are right..I just need to concentrate on myself right now and just be happy being single again and accept that time may pass without me ever hearing from him again..He really made it sound like he wanted me to stay in touch with him...Maybe an ego boost? I just worry that he didnt get to know me enough to know whether he really liked me enough to call months down the road..I mean, I felt an amazing connection to him, but my mind is clear and his has been cluttered.....There is nothing I could do for him to get to know me? I guess I need to back off, in two weeks hopefully ill be less crazy about him to just call him..BUT, if he ever called me (which I highly doubt)...I would not reject him.....God I wish he'd call me! ok...thank you all...I really needed that shake..I have other friends that tell me to just stay loose contact with him and text him hello here and there....but I guess it would be better if he did that with me.....I guess Ill move on...start exercising and concentrating on the things I seemed to have slacked on recently...Is there any way I can make it clear to him I really like him and that I WANT him to call..and then leave him be? Or is that just adding more craziness? Link to comment
ftheunion Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 well thats what guys sometimes dream of, a cute girl to be nice to them and they can forget about all their pain and fears. But if a guy needs a woman to make all things right and like that guy who birds and animals comes up and stands on his arms and next to him and its sunny and theres flut music enchanting............that will be a patch on deepre things. Its a nice thought that guys appreciate but might be dangerous pity for a more severe/shattered/low self esteem man. Link to comment
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