She wont go away - she wont come back

[rich_1517]

Hi

week three of a "2 month" break at her request. at the end of the two months she will make her decision -> start pain here

 

so ok i start no contact immediately -> lite, fun etc, when she calls

 

week two she starts calling a lot -> (no relationship talk either of us)

 

more calls -> i miss you, etc etc

 

week three -> excuse by her to get together, lasts four hours, she buys dinner -> I bring up whats going on (not too much pressure) she says shes still deciding. i get a little sad, she feels guilty, able to clean it up well before night ends. she says to not get my hopes up and kssing not ok right now.

 

next day -> not expecting her to call, she calls 3 times (i avoid) send simple text message at end of day.

 

today -> she calls again to "chat" more stuff is coming up, but no i repeat not the relationship. she is asking about my quitting smoking and job search. I make it lite, get off first. ok so she misses me.

 

The truth: this is very hard for me there is a lot that doesnt make sense.

 

So i can keep doing no contact but am i just setting the stage to be a "cake and eat it too" situation, she can call when she is lonely but....

 

we have been together three years. i dont understand what the two months is. what doesnt she know. I am contemplating asking for two weeks of no contact so that i can treat her "dont get your hopes up" comment as real, and she can see what its like without me. This is setting the stage for me to move on, on my terms.

 

any advice here?

[emma]

Can you avoid returning her phone calls and text messages for a while, like few days, and if she asks why can you tell her that you need your own time as well now, and that as per her request you do not want to be hoping for anything from her part, which means that you need to start to move on as soon as you can so that you can heal and keep going on with your life?

 

That would be my advise.... so that true she will miss you, she will see how it is not to be sure that she can get you back whenever....

[Athena]

I can't figure out this behavior as well - it's very confusing isn't it? I was pondering what the heck could motivate such indecision on her part. This happens alot. There is a sociopsychological explaination for it I am sure, I just don't know what the heck it is.

 

What do you think about this theory. She really did love you, but not enough to spend the rest of her life with you. She knew you really loved her - enough to spend the rest of your life with her. There was something about you or about your relationship that she was not OK with, but she does not want to tell you what that it because she does not want to hurt you. But she can't stay in it, so instead of - we're over lets move on, she wants to retain the parts of the relationship that she does like and assumes that a gradual dissolve of the relationship will hurt you less than a blunt off.

 

-A

[bdub]

Whatever her reason for needing the space really doesn't make any difference as to how you need to handle it. Right now she has the power. She is taking the time she needs, while keeping you dangling just in case she doesn't find what shes looking for at the end of 2 months.

 

I agree with you that you need to initiate no contact right now. But for heavens sake, don't ask her for no contact. That is her taking control and then you giving her even more control. Just take the time you need. Its not about the "us" anymore. She is clearly thinking of herself ONLY, the sooner you make that same choice for yourself, the better off you will be, and the better off your chances of getting back to the person that she fell in love with in the beginning. Either way, you win. You move on to another relationship sooner and find that there are other women out there that will compliment you even better than the ex did. Or she will come back to you when she realizes that the grass isn't greener on the other side. At which point, you will be able to look at the situation and decide what is best for YOU.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub