need opinions...confused on situation...

[Batya33]

I would only suggest hanging out as friends if you are fine being his buddy and hearing about other women he is dating, planning to date, finds attractive, etc - because that is what friends do. If you want to 'take it slow" then tell him that you want to date him and that you are fine going out on dates without being exclusive. Your "taking it slow" by "being friends" is simply going to mean that either you are fine being buddies or that you are fine being friends who hook up occasionally.

 

nothing to do with how pretty you are or what a good catch you are - all depends on how two people click, and if he is not available to date, or not interested enough, by definition you won't click enough to make him change his mind right now. Being his buddy will reinforce for him that you are willing to settle for scraps, and that's not a turn on.

[Anon333]

yeah, but i dont think girls get friendzoned...At least thats what I thought..I thought it was good to establish a friendship and closeness with someone...I dont think either of us could resist the attraction we have for eachother...we couldnt stop kissing and touching eachother when we were together...the day before I cut things off between us he was telling me I was beautiful...So, I think for a guy and girl friendship when they are attracted to eachother, it could only make a stronger bond I would think...Now I understand he is hung up on his ex, and he may be attracted to me but emotionally tied to his ex. I also know his respect level and attraction to me could go down if I was willing to just hang around and be all to eager to be there.....I just want to give him space and at the same time be honest and not hide the fact that I really would love to be hanging out with him if he wanted to take it slow...When i said friendship I meant it as establishing a basis for a relationship...But, I am reconsidering just giving him a month or two and seeing if I ever hear from him now..It will drive me crazy and maybe risk me loosing him more though..I dunno...Thanks Batya..I love your input...

[Anon333]

alright...my final decision in all this....I am going to give it two weeks of no contact..I dont expect to hear from him..within those two weeks I am going to go joggin and stay busy and do think for myself to stay happy..By 2 weeks, I will make a decision on whether to call him,or wait longer, or move on...the end...

[Batya33]

the issue isn't "friendzoned" much less whether "girls get friendzoned" (which sounds like a baseless generalization, sorry), the issue is he is not motivated to develop a relationship with you and being his friend isn't going to change that motivation - of course people can get to know each other as friends and it can blossom into a relationship - when both people see that potential and are open to that happening.

 

He's already shown (with his ambivalent actions and his lack of interest) and told you that he is not interested in you in that way - trying to force it to happen by being his "friend" is probably going to make him even less interested as those vibes will be a turn off.

 

Dating requires a thick skin and lots of patience - and it requires being other-centered not "it will drive me crazy if I don't contact him" - but, he told you he needs space from you, right (or, at the very least space in general)? So why would you ignore his wishes?

[violingirl]

Anon333 - As you know, I am in a similar situation. I think that your decision to go NC for 2 weeks to think things out is a good one. With 2 weeks' distance from the situation with the guy, you can decide how you want to proceed with a clear mind. I don't think that there are black and white rules for every dating situation. Likewise, I don't think that every situation boils down to the simplistic "he's just not that into you" reason. People are more complex than that. Sometimes you have to think outside the box and go about things in a more unconventional way.

 

I know how you feel, though. It's also more difficult when it's been a long time since you've had such strong feelings for someone.

[Batya33]

I think the best path is to look for the simplest explanation first - whether that is "he's just not that into you" or "he's not available for a relationship". The overthinking after a man tells you he is not available for a relationship and his actions are consistent (he doesn't call you) more often than not leads to far far more hurt to oneself because you jump through hoops trying to get the guy's attention, make excuses for why he's not calling or asking you out, etc. Obviously nothing is black and white - I am talking about what is true the majority of the time - that the simplest explanation is most often the right one, the rest is a combination of your ego and/or your belief that if you are interested he must be interested back, he's just "shy" or "getting over an ex" or his dog ate his phone, or he's stressed about work or fill in infinite blanks, etc.

 

I will add that I was never wrong in my own experiences in dating or in analyzing my friends' experiences when it came to these kinds of situations - probably hundreds, over time. Doesn't mean I am right here or that I care whether I am right, just saying.

 

And the beauty of this is, if you follow this - you don't have to do anything more because the vast majority of the time even if the man was not available to date at the time, he will call you and ask you out if he is sincerely interested - telling him that you didn't want to see him if he wasn't over his ex is of course perfectly reasonable and any normal guy would respect you for that and call you when he was ready - and he would do that ASAP because of course he wouldn't want to lose a special lady to the many other men who might want to date her.

[Anon333]

Thank you all again for all of your help. This morning when I read your responses they put me at ease.....Violin girl..Thank you for agreeing that giving two weeks to reasess the situation is a good idea....I think the two week mark might be for my own sanity, and by then, if I havent heard from him, I might be more inclined to continue to not call him...If I did call him, it would probably be weird. Yeah...I think I need to leave everything as it is before I tangle anything up anymore..I have had a tendency to do this...I though my first decision to break things off was respectful, but I REALLY feel I might have screwed everything up (if there was a chance, by calling him and texting him drunk)...I wish to god I never did that....

 

Batya, you have made some great points. Your last post really hit home. I know I sound like my mind is crazy trying to figure this stuff out...I think because it was a confusing situation. The fact that he WAS being affectionate and calling me and showing interest, and at the smallest sign of his weak moment, I broke it off. If we were just getting to know eachother and we were both just being honest with eachother, I feel like I should have just told him I understand the pain he is dealing with and that I want to give him the space he needs, but that we can take it slow and still get to know eachother if he wants...Instead I told him I didnt even want to call him or see him...To me, it seemed harsh after I thought about it.....Anyway...it is too late to retract that I guess...Even though I already kinda did by calling him......I need to let him be the decider now....and see how he feels....

 

Batya, you say that the explanation of this is usually the simplest...So if I really get down to the basic matter between us...He essentially is still hurting over his ex....He was attracted to me and we got along well, so I dont think he "was not into me"..But I do think he has more on his mind than me. And maybe I was just a side thing at the moment....I will hope that some day he will call me up...I dont know how common it is for that to happen...He doesnt seem like the type to try and persue ANY girl, and it felt he was really making an effort with me.....Just not all there I guess....I guess I have to just accept the idea that time will pass and I will get over it.....A couple weeks ought to do some real good...It was only 3 weeks, but I guess it sparked something in me I hadnt felt in a long LONG time....

[Batya33]

Right - I hoped I made it clear that the alternative to "not into me" is "not available to date" although I will say that in many cases it's combined -the person would be available to date if he was sufficiently into you. Exceptions are things like recent divorces or loss of a spouse, etc.

 

If you called him to tell him that you were sorry you broke things off abruptly then I think he is well aware that you are interested in dating him.

 

Three weeks is a very short time to date someone and it sounds like even in those three weeks he didn't put in much effort to take you out on dates he planned in advance - sounds like it was mostly hanging out and hooking up. Many people decide after three weeks that the strong interest they felt in the beginning isn't connected to long term potential or even the desire to continue dating, for whatever reason.

 

I understand and can relate to you feeling strongly about him but maybe this is a sign that next time you should work on not getting this attached this early on.

 

Nothing "wrong" with contacting him in two weeks other than it might harm your process of distancing from him and he might feel pressured.

[Anon333]

batya..he did set up dates with me and put effort into it...and it was such early stages and he was just off of a break up, dont you think it is alot to ask of someone to do more...I dont think you realize he made plans with me every time I saw him and we did not have sex...I dont think he was ready..We fooled around and made out, but we went out on dates...I think I expected too much out of him and thats why I broke it off, and I never got a chance to tell him Im sorry I freaked out and broke things off with you right away...I mean, his ex was still getting things out of his apartment the week I broke things off..You say he wasnt into me, but he obviously had other things he was trying to deal with...Just saying, I think you might be assuming he just was totally not into me at all, when I dont think that was the case, but I dont think he was into me enough to get involved while his emotions are still dealing with his ex..She is playing games with him...I dont want part in that, but I do regret just cutting off connection..Yeah, if he REALLY liked me, Id like to think his ex wouldnt matter in the situation, but that is why it is confusing and why I am giving him space....I think I will give it two weeks, and then maybe push it a month, and then see if I ever hear from him..By then I think I'll get the picture..but they always seem to call up when you give up.....just saying...

[Batya33]

Sorry but I think you misunderstood my posts. I don't think the issue is whether he was into you but whether he was into you enough.

 

Alternatively, he could have been into you enough to hang out for 3 weeks, date, fool around, but not available for a serious relationship with anyone. The relevant point here is "enough" - I don't doubt that he was interested in you to the extent of wanting to date you for three weeks and fool around with you. I am just focusing on whether he was interested enough to be in a serious relationship with you or see the potential for one OR whether he is simply unavailable to be in a relationship with anyone and all he can manage is casual dating right now.

 

I think it's fine if you want to let him know again that you are willing to take things slowly - I thought you had let him know that you were too quick to end things and I also thought that what prompted you to do that was him pulling away from you and not acting as if he was interested in you.

[Anon333]

Batya, I did not let him know I wanted to try and take things slow and I was sorry for breaking things off at the sign of any uncertainty. I guess I got scared. I think he was wanting to hang out and get to know me, and it was obvious he wasnt ready for anything serious, but he was honest with that, and it actually is realistic and honorable for someone to be up front about it. It also makes me feel like his intentions and interest in me were honorable and true, and he knew when I ended things, that he probably was not in a good place. I dont know how long it would have gone if we continued hanging out casually, but the first few weeks moved faster than I think he wanted to, even though it was a mutual thing with him making dates and plans and whatnot. It was maybe one small sign of him pulling away, and I think he had just had a bad day dealing with ex issues, and that made me break it up..I should have talked to him more honestly and tried to meet in the middle with him, but shoulda woulda coulda..Its too late...I made an instinctive and rash choice and have to stick with it now...

 

I understand what you meant about him not being into me enough for a relationship, I think that was obvious. I dont know if most people are sure where a relationship will go or what they want in just the first couple weeks, ESPECIALLY when you are not healed from a break up. But I also think he wanted to take it slow and see how things went, and when he stalled in returning my text one day, I kinda freaked out that I liked him more than me and told him I didnt want to get hurt and for him to call me when he was ready....I dunno...I think I am going to just move on, and hope that if he really did like me, he'll call me some time. I already screwed up by calling him drunk that one time... I dont think it is common for two people to be attracted to eachother and connect like we did, but it was bad timing, and still would be right now...SO maybe someday when I least expect it there will be a better time..I am moving on I guess....I dont really have a choice right now, besides trying one more time to retract the "not hanging out at all" plan I had told him and see what he says, but that might come off as a little too desperate now..

[Batya33]

I think you are reading far too much into three weeks - many people can have intense connections for short periods of time -- you're focusing far too much on that "connection" and far too little on his unavailability, in my opinion.

 

I agree that it is completely normal to take things slowly - what I am focused on is his telling you he is unavailable because of his ex. That could be true, or it could be an excuse - it doesn't much matter. There's a big difference between taking things slow where you see the potential for something serious, and taking things slow because you are not sure you want to pursue anything serious -- or sure that at that time, you do not want to pursue anything serious. In both cases, of course it takes time to decide whether you want something serious with that particular person -- but the mindsets make all the difference. If the mindset is the latter, then you're starting from a place where at least one person has no sincere intentions to explore the potential for a serious relationship. In that case it almost doesn't matter how intense the connection is.

 

I had an intense connection like that with a guy when I was a teenager and because of external circumstances, I knew it could never be serious and I told him so. He did want something serious. So, I enjoyed our summer romance and intense connection but that didn't change the fact that it could never be serious. (it ended very badly because he wanted it to be serious and he was in denial despite my being clear with him). I've never again dated anyone who I knew I couldn't go the distance with because of external circumstances so I don't have any more examples like that.

[Anon333]

yeah, I think no matter who I was he wouldnt be able to get too serious because of his dealing with his ex...in my own experience I know that because I have hung out with guys after a break up and just couldnt get focus on them when I was feeling pain from the past...He told me from the start he just wanted to get to know me and take it slow...I dont think either of us knew what would be the outcome, but we were both okay with that.....I think having an attraction and connectiont to someone is one of the most important things to start off with, so I dont think I am overly reading into that....But I do know that none of that can mean anything if your head and heart are not available....Batya, I understand what you are saying and I pretty much agree with what you are saying...I appreciate your respinding to me, it is helping me sort all this stuff out..I guess I am not one to have whirlwind romances or meet someone I really like, so maybe that is why I feel kinda like the timing was tragic, but the future always holds potential....If he was open enough to be in a relationship, I dont see why he wouldnt see me as a potential...I mean, I could tell he liked me alot, and that he was an honest person....He even said he liked me...He did not end things with me..I did....Because he was dealing with issues from his ex....Maybe I should have waited to see if he would end things, that way it would have been easier to move on....ANyway....Im still sticking to my no contact for a week and see where things go...Honestly. I think it is simply a matter of if he did like me and saw potential for us to date, he will call me later on when his mind is clear...Easy as that..If he wasnt into me that much and was just infatuated or trying to get over his ex with me, than I guess I wont hear from him...Doesnt that sound pretty basic?

 

The tough part is me trying to figure out if he really liked me that much...But I could rack my brain for hours going over the scenarios....I just need to get over him and hope he will find me if he was ready...

[Batya33]

Instead of focusing on whether he liked you a lot or a little or somewhere in between why not instead focus on his actions right now - because however he felt during those three weeks right now his choice is not to be dating you. That could mean he wasn't that interested or it could mean he is that interested but is not available. Also figure out why you care so much about how much he liked you since it was such a short period of time. Why not just enjoy the memory of the whirlwind romance?

[Anon333]

My brain doesnt work the same as you....Instead of enjoying the memory of what was, it bums me out that could have been something really awesome....I think most people who start off a relationship that finally feels good to them and then it gets cut short, does not feel like enjoying the memory...Maybe I'll feel that way in a few months, but right now I feel I missed out on the right person cause of wrong timing....My instinct tells me he was not making excuses about not being over his ex....I mean, he said she still wants to be friends and is still picking stuff out of his apartment..Im not going to rack my brain wondering why I couldnt be enough to make him get over her, because no matter how much he liked me, I cant compete with someone he had an intense past with who is still leading him on a string...Im pretty sure I will get over him in a month or so...Mostly will be better about things in a couple weeks, but Im sure I will always wonder if I will hear from him or run into him....Batya...You wonder why I would care so much when it was only a couple weeks...It is because I rarely meet people I like...Honestly, Ive only met 2 or 3 people in my whole life time that I really felt instantly attracted to...So for me it is a great loss.....

[Batya33]

It's not about my brain working a certain way - it's about my self-care and self esteem. If I've only known someone a few weeks, no matter how attracted I am to him, he doesn't deserve to have the role in my life that you let this guy have because I recognize that in early dating anything can happen, that because I have a fun, fulfilling life I'm not going to let a near stranger (compared to my friends, family, etc) take over my life to that extent, and that thereforee I'm going to enjoy the heck out of every date, enjoy the yummy feelings of chemistry and infatuation while keeping two feet on the ground and continuing to live my life with all of its activities, work, friends, family, etc.

 

I slowly integrate the new person into my life and until we've known each other at least a few months, until we are exclusive with serious potential, do I then integrate him even more into my life.

 

It's a tough position to be in when you choose to have the level of expectations you did for a brand new dating situation because then you have to accept the downside you're experiencing now -- maybe it's worth it to you. It never was to me and I got to enjoy all those early dating experiences as much -- or probably more-- than you did because I knew if it didn't work out early on I wouldn't be devastated as if we'd been a couple together for a long period of time.

 

Not saying my approach is right - just that it's always been right for me and it let me have healthier relationships and meet more potential matches because when things fizzled early on I often was on a date with someone new the very next day or very soon after.