need opinions...confused on situation...

[Anon333]

I met a guy..We both really liked eachother and were attracted to eachother. He got my number, we were really into eachother and hung out a couple weeks. He had told me had gotten out of a relationship a couple months ago early on. As the weeks went on I sensed he wasnt over her, but we were just enjoying eachother's company. He wanted to take it slow. He acted really into me, said he really liked me, but I was too scared to go further with things since he seemed to respond to my texts or calls less frequently. I told him Id give his space to heal and that we shouldnt hang out, and that he could call me when he was ready...

 

One week later...hadnt heard from him, was missing him and sad. Went out, drank a bit too much, ran into him...He said hello to me, I was kinda awkward, and he walked away. He had left early and I texted him later to ask if he had left...He said he hopes I am good...anyway, I called him and texted him and he didnt respond, he said he passed out when he got home....I regretted it the next day and texted him one last time I was sorry for calling him and for him to call me.

 

So I was surprised when he did call me. We talked really casually, I apolagized for calling him, and he said I could call any time. I asked him if we made the right decision in us not hanging out, and he said "probably... I like you though" in a voice that seemed unsure. I know he is still in the middle of stuff with his ex, who is dating someone else but is wanting to be friends. His mind and heart is still with her. I told him that maybe in the future we can hang out. I still feel like i have no clue what he thinks of me. I still wonder if he is hurt I cut things off between us, or he is relieved. Its confusing. I really like him and dont want to completely cut off ties and lose him...I know he wanted to take it slow, and I think I got frustrated too soon and cut it off. SHould I just try to take it slow and see if he calls me here and there...he seems so illusive...Its really hard to tell how he feels or where hes coming from..Im totally confused!

[Keyman]

I think you totally confused the issue by asking him not to hang out until he is ready. In a round about way, you rejected him too. Now he is uneasy with you.

 

What it sounds like he needs is someone in his life to help him pick up the pieces and get over his ex. And he hoped that was you, but you suddenly went distant. Now he is out there trying to pick up the pieces himself, hoping that his ex will come back and is a little more torn because you don't want to know him either.

 

Get over there, tell him you are there for him, and take it slow WHILE you are holding his hand not instead of.

[Anon333]

hey, thanks...I really needed different opinions...I want to be there for him. I care about him, and feel a strong connection with him..He seems more standoffish to me, and maybe I am used to a guy that is into me being obviously INTO me. So I got panicky a few times when it took him a day or so to respond to my texts....He never said he didnt want to hang out, he said he liked me, he said I could call any time...But I feel like maybe he is just thinking about his ex the whole time...I dont want to get hurt, but I want to be there for him..I think by talking to him today, I opened up the possibility of us taking it slow again....I just want him to initiate interest in me, or did I burn him down by telling him we shouldnt hang out? I dont want to be aggressive and push him away either...There seems to be a fine line here, and I dont like being the one to walk it.....It would be nice if he came straight out and just said I really want to hang out with you...Okay..I guess he did say that..but I dont know,....My gut says he is just all about his ex still...

[waveseer]

I think your gut is right. It's not very much fun to be with someone when they are unsure if they want to be with you.

[Anon333]

yeah...he has made some effort to show he likes me and all, bit I think his mind is somewhere else.....I want to be there for him and take the risk of getting hurt because I like him more than anyone in a long time...But I dont want to be stupid about it, and I dont want to be there if he doesnt want to be with me...Seems he would be happy hanging out, and maybe he could grow to feel better about things...I think I just need to take it slow......I cant look at it as a definite end or beginning.....

[waveseer]

Is it too late to just back off a bit? I mean do you already have feelings for him that make this not so easy to do?

[Anon333]

maybe youre right..Maybe I am way more invested in this than him...I am just going to take it week by week, and if nothing has progressed in a month or so, Ill get the picture...I just feel Im still unsure of his feelings toward me...Seems he really likes me and wants to get to know me, but doesnt have it in him to really push it...I dont know....When I was with him, his actions and body language said he really liked me...And he was mostly good about texting me back and calling me...I just know he has all these issues with his ex that need to get worked out...I dont know...Maybe Ill meet someone else later down the road, all I know is I dont want to date someone unless I am really into him like I am with this guy....So it is worth hanging around a bit to see where it goes....

[cruzer]

What makes u think he is so into his ex and thinking of her so much?

 

Have u asked him if he is over her, asked him if he even knows himself?

 

Maybe he is over her as far as he does not want to be with her, he is just dealing with being her friend after what they went through?

 

This could be wrong but you could let him know your really interested in him, u are willing to take it slow, however u want him to be ready, and make sure he does not have feelings for his ex, and if he feels the same way about u, and does not feel anything for his ex, to call you sometime.

 

This way even after u told him all the other stuff, like not to hang out, etc. he knows where u stand, it all depends on how he feels, about u and his ex. You put the ball in his court. After u let him know, u start to move on, forget about him, and when he calls you will know how he feels and can go from there. If he does not call, u have already started moving on.

 

good luck

[yumicecream]

At this point you're chasing him so much you probably turned him off from ever thinking about you that way.

[Anon333]

see how confused i am? did I push him away by breaking things off, or by calling and texting him last night?

[Anon333]

Cruzer...I wish I could say he does not have feelings for his ex still, bit Im pretty sure he does....He told me he was depressed about things with her when I broke things off, so I assume her breaking up with him has made him even more "desperate" to want her back.....Now he is dealing with her wanting to be friends....Its all ugly, but I know where he is coming from and what he is dealing with...Ive been in his shoes....I dont think he has enough in himself to give me a fair try, but I honestly think he wanted to take it slow and get to know me...yummieicecream, I really hope you arent right and I didnt completely chase him away and scare him..if I did, dont you think he wouldnt call me back, and say I could call any time, and that he really liked me?

[cruzer]

Well i would suggest just being his friend and hanging out with him, so u guys get to know each other. Maybe after he got to know you, he would want u and not his ex, and u would get to be with him, while helping him get over his ex. However i guess u would not like to do this as u told him u dont think u guys should hang out or whatever it was, i forgot ur exact words.

 

So the only other thing u can really do is give him space and time to get over his ex. Once he is over her hopefully he will give u a call.

 

I have never been in either of ur shoes so this might not be much help, but i hope u guys can work something out

[yumicecream]

You should have let him go while you were ahead and he agreed he wasn't over his ex. You always have more of a chance if you give him time to thinka bout how he might miss you. Now you're definetly coming off as desperate, its highly unattractive. Get up and stop this nonsense girl! Move on, you didnt even know him that long.

[Anon333]

thanks yummyicecream...Youre right...But I broke things off with him and didnt want him to think I blew him off for not being into him.....Now I guess he knows..maybe too much...I am listening to you now and stepping back for good....watch me hear from him when i am finally over it all....doesnt that always seem the way....? But isnt there something to say for if it was meant to be it will happen.....? so its in his hands now I guess...

[Anon333]

cruzer. youve been so kind to try and help....I think you are right..I had two choices, to stick around and wait to him to be ready for me, or move on and tell him to call if he is ever ready for me..i guess i just keep bouncing between the two because i dont know how he feels about me or if he thinks i am pushing him away,,,,i think ill give him a couple weeks to just calm down....and me too!

[yumicecream]

You have no choice but to listen now. This guy is literally pushing you away. The only way to get him now is to strip off your clothes or something. Its about timing. I think you had more of a chance with him if you stayed cool and collected and had backed off when he made it clear he wasn't over his ex. You weren't patient. Now, i think you have a lot less of a chance with him and definetly need to move onto better, more fun things than analyzing this guy.

[Anon333]

thanks for making me feel totally crappy yummyicecream...You say I pushed him away so horribly and yet he says for me to call any time Id like? Maybe he was just being nice, and maybe he isnt ready for a relationship, but he initially liked me, so i dont think i pushed him away or repulsed him enough to make him dislike me...you make it sound like i blew my chance, I think that besides from last night i handle things well...i guess time will only tell if he really did like me....

[cruzer]

cruzer. youve been so kind to try and help....I think you are right..I had two choices, to stick around and wait to him to be ready for me, or move on and tell him to call if he is ever ready for me..i guess i just keep bouncing between the two because i dont know how he feels about me or if he thinks i am pushing him away,,,,i think ill give him a couple weeks to just calm down....and me too!

 

Im glad i could help. usually i cant because im pretty inexperienced at dating.

 

Its so hard to really know how someone feels about u. i was talking to this girl, we went out a few times, she said i was more than cute, she said i was really really nice and that was just another reason she liked me. after a few dates, she agreed to go out again, said it sounded perfect, then she cancels saying she is doing something else. it was not just words, she gave me gives, she touched me, flirted with me, looked me in the eye when we talked, but what happened?

 

Atleast ur on the right track now, or atleast in my opinion. just back off and wait it out. maybe it does not happen but i feel that if someone does really like u they will come around. for example, if i was this guy, after i got over my ex, if i felt the connection u said u felt, i would call u, and atleast try.

 

hope he calls!

[Anon333]

thanks again cruzer! The only problem is when will he be ready!? I know I just have to move on and not be waiting to hear from him..But every week that goes by I think I will be sadder and sadder until i have that sick feeling toward him.....Yummicecream, I may be pushing him away by showing him that I like him, thats just me being honest, but he is pushing me away by not being able to communicate what he wants or act into me..Whether he is really into me or not, he is pushing me away to the point where if he does decide he wants to hang out, I might just be so hurt by waiting, I dont want to do it..I dont want that to happen though..I just want to go about my happy single life like I always have been and be surprised to hear from him in the future....wishful thinking?

[cruzer]

Well i have never been in a long/serious relationship and then had it end, so i dont know how long it will take him to get over her, or for him to try and move on.

 

Judging from the polls, and posts, it seems as if people take a really really long time to get over an ex. I know it really really sucks to try and forget/move on especially when u really like them and want to see what will happen between you two, but this is why i said to try and move on and forget about him.

 

This is where i get confused about dating. U showed him u liked him, u told him u wanted him to be over his ex basically so u guys could give it a shot. To me this is very honest, and straightforward. To others this is needy, clingy, desperate, and pushing them away. However if u told me this, i would take it as u were serious and when i got over my ex i would call u if i was truly interested.

 

The girl i mentioned in my last post, lucky i didnt really know her that well, but i feel like it ended without really giving it a shot. so i have moved on and forgot her, however deep down i really wish/hope she will call. Its almost the same as ur situation because i dont know how she really feels, i dont know if i pushed her away.

 

I wished i could not be negative about it, and have wishful thinking, because it would make it easier, so hopefully u can be positive and have wishful thinking to get past it.

[yumicecream]

I'm just trying to show you the facts. He DID like you but he wasn't over his ex, yet you have this need to keep contacting him when the door should be shut for now...you're not holding onto your dignity, instead you're fawning over this man who isn't over an ex when you could be happy and living your life not wasting your time. i think you are pushing him away by coming off desperate when he made it clear he wasnt' over his ex. You should have had patience and if he never ever came back to you, so be it. You're SETTLING and men don't respect it when y ou're willing to settle. GET over him and STOP contacting him. He made his position known. I've BEEN there.

[Anon333]

Yummi- I completely understand what you are saying.....But circumstances are always different, people are always different. I know that there are some laws to dating, like pushing someone away and not coming on too strong, but my whole question to begin with in this thread was whether I was the one that actually pulled away from someone who may not have been over their ex but still wanting to hang out and take it slow....

 

Maybe my instincts were right to pull away and cut things off, but I for sure did not want to wound his ego more or feel like I didnt care about him as a friend...He's not over his ex, so I was very clear to him I like him but dont want to get hurt and involved in the situation...The ONLY mistake I made was by calling him when I was drunk that night..I wish I could take it back...But the conversation I had with him the next day really just made it more clear how he does like me, but is so caught up in ex girlfriend drama that I dont think he could even deal with hanging out with me if he wanted to..He is hard to read...Anyway...Right now I AM moving on, and I left things as maybe we can hang out in the future. Now I am walking away for good, even though he said I could call him any time I wanted...I want HIM to call me...And now he knows I want to hang out and I really like him...He just have to get out of that dark place.....I hope I would be available by the time he comes out of it, but then again, maybe I will meet someone that I feel awesome about before then....

[Batya33]

I think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt, all people are individuals of course - but since you can say that about every situation and you nevertheless asked for input, I suppose you thought general input would be helpful. In general my sense of this is that he wasn't that into you for the long term , would be happy to hang out with you when it's convenient for him and perhaps hook up as well but he doesn't want a relationship with you and he will want one even less if you continue to pursue one with him.

 

All of your overthinking and overanalysis should be tossed aside and get down to the basics. Many people are interested in other people for a short time period - even intensely. It sounds like after a short period of interest in a potential relationship he lost interest - perhaps he was overwhelmed by your attention, perhaps he just lost interest - it happens - and then he used his ex as an excuse - with some truth to it but the loss of interest preceded the excuse.

 

I know you are very interested in him but it's time to back off. If he is interested in you, he knows where to find you.

[yumicecream]

The way I see it is that it was an issue of timing. He was not over his ex and so even though he was attracted, you were'nt going to do it for him b/c he was still healing/attached to the ex. At that point you say, "okay maybe some other time, i might be there, i might not" and MOVE ON. That way, if he had any solid interest, over time he will see that he did enjoy time with you and t hat he no longer has that. Or, he moves on. But if you keep calling him, that is just going to make him see you as something that isn't a prize, in a sense. Men want to persue, if they don't, they lose interest. The minute a man chooses to not persue, you must let it go.

[Anon333]

thanks yummi ice cream..I know men like to persue, but I questioned if his ego has been so hurt by his ex, and he is dealing with his ex issues, that when I cut off us hanging out together, he took it as a rejection. Maybe he is afraid of asking me to hang out and me saying AGAIN, "I dont think we should hang out till you are ready"....I know that there is 80-90 percent chance he just lost interest. But, I would consider myself highly attractive, and a good catch. Some of my friends would say they could not believe someone who is single would not be into me. I mean, dont you think if he is all heart broken about his ex, and a cute girl came along that was fun to hang out with he'd be happy to hang out? It was more a fear for him that it was turning into something more serious when in reality he really is still suffering over his ex.

 

I think I jumped too soon on breaking things off and should have just suggested we take things slow by hanging out less. Do you think I could call him two weeks down the road and suggest we just hang out as friends and take things slow? I know this is risking rejection, but he has been rejected so much and seems so down, that I almost feel like even if he rejects me, it will boost his ego a little bit that he rejected a cute girl, and then I could just get the point and move on?