right person wrong time?

[Anon333]

Is it common to meet someone who could really be a great match for you, but it is just not good timing...either he or she just got out of a relationship and is still healing? Or if it is the right person for you, could you possibly heal faster and make it the right time?

 

Has anyone met someone they really liked but needed to take time away to get over a past relationship, and then meet up with that person later when they are more healed?

 

Just curious because a person I met an dated for a couple weeks wasnt over their ex, so I told him I needed to walk away so I dont get hurt. We really liked eachother, but he was still in the middle of his hurt. It has been a week, and I havent heard from him, not sure if I ever will...I am going to continue meeting new people and moving forward, but I feel I have lost something that could have been wonderful because of bad timing......Anyone have similar experience? Did it ever work out in the long run?

[i_win]

I am in that situation right now as the guy. I think you're doing himself and especially you a favor by not getting caught up emotionally in the middle of this.

 

I feel emotionally dead and beaten down from years of trying to make "bad" relationships work and now I just can't emotionally connect with another person and I feel so bad because it is difficult for that other person to understand why I can't.

[Anon333]

Thanks...It makes me sad, because I feel like I was helping him at least get things off his mind. I think I was the first girl since his ex that he really was interested in getting to know and we connected in a great way I think. Only problem was, he really wasnt healed from his ex, and at times he probably was thinking of her while were hanging out. I dunno....I told him I couldnt hang out with him, and it was up to him to call me if he ever felt he was ready. I know it has only been one week, and it will take much longer than that for him to get over it, but I dont think I ever clicked so easily with someone that fast. If he was fully healed it would have been so awesome..It seems like a tragedy to me!

 

I_win, have you met girls you really felt attracted to and had fun with and connected with, but just couldnt get the past relationship's issues out of your head? Is that what it was...If you met the right person, would you want to heal so you could move on and really try to be with her?

[i_win]

Yes, I subconsciously associate any and all new relationships with my past relationship and that is why even a new "good" relationship seems bad in my mind and causes me to run and want my independence back.

 

Not sure if that is what you are experiencing. At the risk of sounding like a total jerk I will share with you what goes on through my mind with my current situation. In fact, just today I've decided that I can no longer pursue a relationship with this girl because if things get any deeper I could really hurt her badly. And I just can't do that to someone that is so sweet and nice to me.

 

Hopefully my full disclosure and experience might help you out. I got out of a relationship over a year ago and before that was in another relationship. So for 5 years I was in two relationships that were simply put, bad for me. They were both very high maintanence emotionally and demanded virtually all of my time and because I loved them I gave in and satisfied their every need. But this isn't who I am and over time it began to wear on me and I felt trapped and had to cut it off because I was unhappy and depressed having to give up so much of myself.

 

So fast forward to my current situation. I've dated casually a few women, but I never really pursued any of them because I wasn't looking for anything serious. I met a girl a couple of weeks ago and we had a great instant connection, and for the first few weeks just hanging out (catching a drink out, grabbing dinner) was fantastic, but for the last week or so she has been wanting to do a lot more "relationshipy" type stuff such as cook dinner together, watch movies on the couch and the frequency that she wants my time has drastically increased. And I hate to say this but as this started to progress I have found myself feeling "trapped" again and I get urges to just cut things off immediatlely. I need that independence that for so long I didn't have even though in reality she is demanding very little of my time. Like I said, bad to say...but when things began to feel "relationshipy" I just got completely turned off. I'm simply not ready, not there, and relate my old "bad" relationships and all the effort that I put into those to keep peace with my newly blossomed relationship with this girl. Perhaps I'm smarter and have identified that things are going too fast or that this girl might also be similar to my exes and that is why I'm getting cold feet so quickly.

 

Regardless of the reasons, it is a clear indication that I simply have not healed. I'm still bitter and tainted from my past relationships and I have to get to an emotionally and psychologically healthy state before I can pursue something new with a new person. I think the only type of relationship right now that would work would be with a person that is as emotionally jaded as me and that would also be unhealthy.

 

It sucks, I want to be "there" emotionally and I want to be able to fall into a relationship with someone, but I can't. And until I can, I have to be cautious to not hurt another person's feelings along the way.

[Anon333]

Thanks so much for that response. I think this guy started pulling away a little by the third week too. I think in the beginning I was a fun distraction and he was really into me, be he knew it (and later I knew it) that he wasnt fully healed. I wanted him to be as into me as I was starting to feel about him. I wasnt looking to push anything forward, but the excitement of him calling or making plans with him, suddenly felt one sided. When I confronted him, he told me he was depressed and didnt want to hurt me. He still wanted to know if we could talk or hang out, but at that point, I had grown attached to him enough to know I didnt want to just keep things casual and light. I didnt want to jump into a relationship either. I was just hoping things would take a natural course.

 

Anyway. It sounds like one difference between my scenario and yours, is that you are freshly out of a relationship (or are you?), where you are still just trying to get over the devestation and loss of someone, instead, you just sounded jaded by relationships, and not ready to have to put any effort into something that would end up taking away the independance you have worked toward after your last two relationships. I think you just have not met the right person.

 

I think I could be the right person for this guy and he for me, maybe it is my gut instinct, I could be all wrong, but I know we click better than I have clicked with almost anyone. Anyway, I guess you felt that way about this girl. How would you feel if this girl called you up and said "I sense you still have issues from your past and I really like you but I dont want to get hurt, so call me some time when you think you might want to really give this a try".....Would you be relieved and think of perhaps contacting her in the future to try again, or would you just be relieved and consider your relationship with her a loss for good, and that there are always other women out there when you are ready...?

[i_win]

How would you feel if this girl called you up and said "I sense you still have issues from your past and I really like you but I dont want to get hurt, so call me some time when you think you might want to really give this a try".....Would you be relieved and think of perhaps contacting her in the future to try again, or would you just be relieved and consider your relationship with her a loss for good, and that there are always other women out there when you are ready...?

 

Yes you are right, I'm not fresh out of a relationship. And you may be right that this just isn't the right one. So in that sense, I would be relieved and consider the relationship a loss and perhaps I'll feel differently in the future with a different woman. So perhaps your situation is a bit different and the timing is off more than the partner? But his feelings and distancing and pulling away are the same things that I experienced. The chase and the distraction of the chase was exciting, but when it came down to getting myself into a relationship I wasn't ready and it actually turned me off.

 

That said, it might be too late to salvage a friendship with this woman, but I would hope that we can still hang out and be kosher because we both hang out with some mutual friends on occasion. I hope there isn't bitterness, but I can sense there will be since I think she had different plans for the direction of our relationship.

[Anon333]

hmm. I dont know...Maybe I read people all wrong and he really just wasnt into me...I just figured the only reason he couldnt fully be into me was because of his healing from his ex. But maybe he feels like you, and not only doesnt want a relationship, but if he was ready for one, wouldnt necessarily want one with me. Who knows....Do you think that this girl thought you were way more into her than you really were you think? Did you guys click and have some fun and meaningful times together? DId you initiate and make plans with her. I told this guy right off the bat I liked him, and wish I hadnt. I knew he just wanted to take it slow, but he was making plans and calling me more than I did in the beginning. He even talked about taking me places and doing things in the future, as though he expected it to last. He said lets just take it slow for now...So I did feel like we both saw something awesome in eachother, only toward the last couple days, it took him longer to respond to my text, and to make plans to hang out. Right away I cut him off from fear of being hurt. Now I just see how it could have worked out, had he not been all hurt and hung up on his ex.

[i_win]

I took her out initially. We had a good date. But I also was upfront with her and told her I'm still emotionally unavailable and a bit jaded from past relationships. I could tell that she was discouraged by this. One thing I've gotten better at is being open and honest from the get go. I'd also like to point out that after out first date and this conversation it has been her that has been really pushing the communication and the hanging out. She wanted me to come over tonight and last night I told her I was super tired, but today I told her that I caught up on rest and am planning on going out tonight since I have the rest of the week off, but am just going to be flying solo and if she wants to join me after her plans with friends thats fine.

 

To be honest, I just don't want and don't have it in me to go along with plans that someone else is making for me. Perhaps this is selfish, but at this point I need to do my own thing and if she wants to be a part of that fine, but I'm not going out of my way to involve myself with her plans.

 

Maybe that doesn't even make sense, but I think this is my way of not getting too caught up with her. If we do have a face to face talk with her again I think I'm going to tell her that things might be moving a little too fast and I am going through a phase in my life where I just need to be more of a loner and do my own thing - right or wrong. I feel crappy having to say that to someone that has visible feelings towards me though but I hope it saves her some pain in the long term.

[penelope13]

I_win do you have any idea how to dissociate your past relationships with a potential new one? - I'm in love with someone who has really trouble getting over/out of a really bad relationship. thereforee I had opted to step away and give him time to sort out whatever he has to sort out about this and previous relationships. I am just curious what it will take for him to actually work through everything

[Anon333]

I think what it comes down for you, is that it is more the wrong person at the wrong time as well.. I think you are being honest and letting her know ahead of time...I feel better, because from the sounds of it, you are acting alot less into her than this guy was with me. I think there was something more "special" between me and that guy, but maybe she thinks that about you too....But she sounds like she isnt takign very many cues and not being to cautious and intuitive about things with you. I think if you met the right person, you might be trying to hang out with her, like this guy was really trying to do, but if you felt your life was really off, it would still be hard for you to give her your all...Maybe not..Thanks again for sharing your perspective...

[Anon333]

penelope...we are in the same boat...Well, Im not in love, as Ive only known him a few weeks, but ultimately had a connection with him like I never really had with anyone else, and feel a great loss by having to separate him from my life. Have you stopped talking to him and do you think he would want to be with you if he could heal from his past?

[i_win]

If this is the case, then I feel like you might be involving yourself with more of a rebound situation than what I'm experiencing. I've done a ton of reading on the dynamics of a rebound relationship because my ex rebounded very quickly and wanted to understand why and how she could.

 

Rebound typically start off very hot and headed and the person rebounding out of a recent split is the one that does the calling and the pursuing. It's really a distraction for them, but they also use that other person to replace their ex for both emotional and dependant reasons.

 

I would really caution yourself on this one, because they usually replace the pain and healing of their recent breakup by pouring all of their emotion into something new with you. Once that is over though, they will essentially be done with you and move on or back to their ex.

 

I would suggest reading some material online about rebounds. There is also some good threads here on ENA covering the subject if you do a search.

 

Be careful and pursue with caution. And don't let him set the pace of the relationship is key if you think there might be a genuine connection.

 

Perhaps this is why everything feels so great and wonderful to you. Rebounders are pouring a lot of emotion and time into that new person to replace all the hurt and ill emotions that they feel for their ex.

[penelope13]

anon333... i am really happy that we went LC (like you I told him that he could call me anytime if he wanted to). I was very consistent about not contacting him myself. Even when he called (the times between his calls got shorter and shorter) I kept the conversations short and didn't talk about myself that much, but mainly listened to what he wanted to say.- It was really difficult for me, since I used to be very pushy in my past relationships to get answers to any of my questions right on the spot. I only managed by talking to a lot of friends and by writing a diary. I also planned ahead of what I would like to say to him the next time that he would call.

 

In the meantime I am quite convinced that we will be together some time, as long as i really give him the time that he needs to work through his issues. I just recently saw him (i had a few hours to kill in his neighborhood waiting for a friend) and I realize that things are changing: although he is not there yet, he started talking how a relationship between us could look like. we also spoke a lot about how much we missed each other and how good it is just to be in the same room and experience the presense of the other. Although I was very tempted (and he did his best to try to persuade me) I maintained that I didn't want to be intimate with him under the circumstances. - I think he was really impressed by that, while I was really happy that he didn't push the buttons (he knows which these are) that would have completely destroyed my thinking process and thus my resistance. - So yes, I think we will be together once he has healed from his past.

 

And to be honest, I had enough healing to do as well, so this was the perfect opportunity to do so

[Anon333]

penelope, I have to go to work in a second, but am interested in hearing more...WHen you gave him the option to call you, how long did you go not hearing from him until he did call.. I think I left things more for him to call me if he was ready to take things slow again, but I dont think he will be ready for a long time...

 

I_win, I know about rebounds, and I dont think he was rebounding with me, because I thik we really automatically connected with me, and I think he was honest with me and himself. He was still obviously hurting about his ex... His ex on the other hand may be rebounding, as she is fully in a new relationship and is the one that broke up with him....I think his feelings toward me were true. And he is obviously not over his ex, which he was honest about, so we arent even talking anymore...I would be cautious if I hear from him again as well...

[i_win]

That's just it though, in a rebound the rebounder will mesh with anyone that they can! And the fact that you know so much about his ex really makes me think a rebound might be what you are experiencing.

[penelope13]

anon333. The longest I didn't hear from him was 10 days. But I have to say that for us it is a slightly different situation: we have met in high school, then lost touch for a number of years, only to be friends again in the past few years. So we have a lot of positive history and respect between us. When he did call, it was mainly to check up on how i was doing. I think by never asking him about any of his issues and just asking him about work, his health or any other unrelated topic, did he start to be really comfortable to call me more regularly

[Anon333]

Okay....Well you all think that me hanging out with this guy was a rebound, and maybe it was. Is any type of relationship with someone after a break up a rebound? I fooled aorund with him, but we did not have sex. In fact he seemed to be the one to want to hold off. So surfthyme, it wasnt about sex with us. Also, niether of us shared deep thoughts and emotions with eachother they way you describe most rebounds. We basically hung out and had a really good time together, and connected more in a way where it was really comfortable and easy to be with eachother. He mentioned only one time in the beginning about his ex, and another time when she came to get her stuff, and then at the end I was the one that brought her up because I knew she was on his mind.

 

I think to some extent if he was not healed and sad about his ex, he felt comforted to have someone there with him, but on the other hand, he made it clear he just wanted to get to know me and take it slow....Both of us agreed, but the fact that he wanted to hang out every other night (and so did I), showed little restrait on our initial plan.....Because of things moving too fast, I expected too much, and he realized he was being unfair when his heart was still with his ex....ANyway..Maybe this was a rebound..Maybe I meant little to him but a temporary band aid....Maybe I should believe it is true..Actually, I want to believe this...But because of my own feelings toward him and the undeniable connection I felt, it is hard to believe I was just a passing girl to him, he may not know it now, but I think he will look back on me and regret missing out, if I eventually move on..THis actually happened with me and a guy one time.......ANyway...I am tired of thinking of all of this...I know I must sound like I am trying to convince myself, by convicncing all you it meant more..Maybe I will never know...I hope I do...