Rethinking whether I did the right thing in breaking things off early. He wasnt over his ex.

[Anon333]

Hi...So I really need some opinions from people. I have gotten people's opinion on the dating section of this forum, saying I did the right thing, bit now I am thinking I jumped too soon.

 

To make a long story short...I started casually dating someone for maybe a week and a half. When we met eachother initially we both felt the same spark and connection and one day I went into his work and he asked me for my phone #. I was so happy that he felt that same way about me. Within the couple first dates, he said how he had just gotten out of a serious relationship (she lieved with him), and also that he was so interested in getting to know me, he talked to his friends about me. He said he just really wanted to get to know me, and I could tell he wanted to take it slow and be cautious.

 

Well, I think we both got a little carried away, but it seemed natural to me...We were hanging out every other day and phoning and texting eachother every day. Once in awhile I would get anxious about why he didnt text me sooner, or why he didnt invite me out to a show he was going to with his friends. I think I suddenly felt like I deserved someone that was completely into me, and pretty much matching the same excitement level as me, yet he still had all these issues with his ex. So instead of me being able to step back and try to let him have more space, I kinda freaked out in my own way and then spoke to him about how I dont think he is over his ex (which he agreed) and how I dont think we should see eachother or talk anymore because I didnt want to get hurt and he obviously has issues to sort out. He wanted to know if we could still talk or hang out once in awhile and I said I couldnt, and for him to call me when he was ready.

 

What do you all think.. It has only been a week of me not hearing from him and I am not only missing him to the point where I feel ill, but I am going through those stages in a break up where if I saw him again I might feel ill about how miserable I've been. I think he really liked me and wanted to take things slow, but I dont think I know how to take things slow, and i dont think I had the patience for him...Now I wish I could have just tried to be friends with him and seen where things go, instead of completely breaking things off. I feel like if he doesnt call me in the next couple weeks, it will all be a lost cause, even though he will still not be over his ex...But the more I think about it.....He could not be over his ex and be meeting other women and taking things slow with them and I could have lost my chance because I cut him off when he probably needed a friend....I dont know...Any input would be much appreciated....thanks

[waveseer]

See how you feel after one more week. I don't think two weeks is too long to give him some space to heal.

[doyathink]

Depending on how long they were together, and what caused the end of their relationship....it may take him a very long time to get over her, and be able to fully move on with his life.

Are you willing to wait as long as it takes?

[Anon333]

I am not actively going to wait a very long time..I will more actively wait a couple weeks to see if the time we spent together had enough meaning to him to want to contact me and at least hang out as friends or discuss something. I broke things off with him because I didnt feel confident in where we were going, if he were willing to call me and open the lines of communication after I left the ball in his court, than I would be more patient with him next time and try to take it slower....If I dont hear from him after a couple weeks, I will assume the connection I felt we had, was not as meaningful to him and was more of a distraction from his ex....is this a fair way to look at it....I dont want to loose him, and if I wait months for him to heal he could meet someone else who was willing to take things slow to get to know him...I dont know..Its hard to tell who really broke things off...I think he was trying to be fair with me...Now that I left it up to him to call, I have no control over these things anymore and would never be able to call him...

[Anon333]

I also want to add, it was more like 2 and half weeks of us beiong together almost every other day and talking every day...By the thrid day if we didnt see eachother, we'd really miss hanging out....Then one day after hanging out at night, he didnt return my text almost all day, and it really was a big let down, that is what made me break things off. I knew he was not into me like I was into him...When I talked to him, he said he had a really hard day and was depressed...It breaks my heart he is sad like that, but I think he still really wanted to hang out and take it slow..He couldnt help he had a set back in healing....

[doyathink]

how old is he?

[waveseer]

He sounds like he's not okay without his ex yet which will make it extremely difficult for him to be okay with you.

[Anon333]

Thanks for your advice..I know I cant rush him from healing, and thats why Im giving him his space...There is something about his honesty and sadness that make me like him more...He did not try to just sleep with me out of being lonely, he just wanted to connect with me, and we did...

 

He is 32...(im 29).....He was with this girl for about a year and half and she lived with him, and had come over to get more of her stuff from his apartment. So it is still fresh and was serious.

 

So yeah, even though he was really into me, there was no hiding he is not over his ex....Does this just mean walk away for good when there was something I cannot deny, between us. For him to feel that way as well, even while healing makes it even harder to just cut him out and walk away...I cant wait for him, but I also dont think I will meet anyone else I connect with like I did with him, for quite a while....I SO want him to call me up next week and want to hang out..But I guess that would be wrong? And maybe he will never call...

[waveseer]

Why don't you call him just to ask him how he is? You can be his friend you just can't be his lover yet.

[Anon333]

because I let it be up to him to call me....I dont want to back down from something I set up...I dont want the relationship to be one sided either...I have feelings for him, and maybe I could handle taking things at a slower pace, but I want it to be because he wants to be with me and try, not just because I am crushing on him and am willing to lower my standards to be aorund him..DOes that make sense...So I guess I wait and see if he is willing to make any effort to call me....He might just be to scared to now, after I almost left things as "either you are ready for me or dont call me"..Thinking him picking up the phone might be too scary at any point and maybe I'll never hear from him.....

[Anon333]

By the way...WHen he explained th break up about his ex at first, he said that they disagreed on wanting to have kids in the future, and he said she was mentally unstable, and also she is dating someone else...So although all these things lead to the relationship not working out, whether they end up together again or not, he is still emotionally attached to her obviously....Its been over two months since they broke up, but I think they've still been in contact,...

[waveseer]

Maybe you could ask him if they're still in contact and give him the benefit of your ena training?

[Anon333]

Thanks so much ready2heal..If he ever does call me, I will tell him from my own experience and everyone on Ena, that cutting off contact makes it so much easier to heal..But I would hate for him to get defensive or feel I am telling him what to do...I dont know if I would even want to be his "buddy" to help him get through a rough time...He is attracted to me though, so I dont know if the whole friendzone thing is as risky with a girl befriending a guy....I guess thats another Ena question....

[waveseer]

I would say, "You'd probably get over her a lot faster if you weren't in contact, if that's what you want."

 

And no, the friendzone thing doesn't work the other way around except in very, very rare cases so no worries there.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I think you've done the right thing.

 

You obviously like him a LOT, so your just protecting yourself from being the rebound (and statistically, they dont have a good outcome).

 

I would try and forget him for now. He cant love you till he's fallen out of love with his ex, and if the relationship was that serious, that could be a year away!

 

good luck, Hope x

[Anon333]

ugh..that breaks my heart to hear that all signs and statistics point to that fact that I have no chance with this guy who is still not over someone else...But there are so many different scenarios as to how relationships come about and evolve, it is hard to believe that this isnt a possibility as well...But yeah, I broke things off so I could protect myself, but maybe I shouldnt have been such a chicken and tried to take things slower and see where they went...I dont know...Im sure he wants to move on and meet someone who is right for him. Im sure the fact his ex is already dating someone else, make it harder for him to see himself back with her...But I dont know the extent of whats going on....

 

All I know, is that not every single relationship comes out of a fully healed heart of someone who has been completely single for a full year..Maybe that is the ideal situation for most people, or maybe that is the best formula for a healthy relationship, but Im sure there are some relationships that have evolved from heartache over an ex to feelings for someone else....But it is true that I wish I never met him, because now I really dont want to get involved and hurt, and yet my heart is really feeling something for him...Good grief!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

its not about being single for a year. Theres no set time frame. I know it will be a year for me in January and 11 months down the line I can only just say Im healing and I dont know if I will be fully healed by next month.

 

its true a lot of relationships begin with one or other bringing baggage from an ex but its more often the anger stage where they have no 'liking' feelings. the stage where they realise they cant be reconciled and WANT to move on, despite not being able to help a few residual feelings.

 

thats the stage where maybe something can be kindled for you and this guy