Is there still a chance with him? even though hes not over his ex?

[Anon333]

I met a guy who we both admitted to have an instant attraction to, and really wanted to get to know eachother more. We hung out for a couple weeks or so, with him initiating contact with me, and setting up plans to hang out almost every other day. He would text me almost every day. It turned into a pretty equal amount of texts and calls between the two of us, and the affection and attraction seemed very mutual. I hadnt felt this way about anyone in a long time.

 

Things were going really well I felt, but I also knew he had just gotten out of a serious relationship. When I first talked to him about it, I tried to ask him if he was even ready to hang out with me, and he seemed hesitant, but talked me into believing he really wanted to hang out more and get to know me. I really think we were doing good together. Then one day I texted him about some plans on Frieday, and he seemed to not respond to me for a long time....I started freaking out in my head, realizing he maybe wasnt as into me as I was into him, and that he probably is dealing with his ex issues.

 

So I finally talked to him on the phone and was the one who conducted the conversation. He admitted he was really depressed that day about things, and I told him I was so sorry he was feeling sad and that I wished I could help, that I really liked him and that it sucked how the timing was off. I kinda started crying, not sure if he knew. I said I didnt want to be hanging out with him while he had other issues and people on the back of his head and that I didnt want to get hurt. He kinda just kept mumbling in agreement and said he didnt want to hurt me. He wanted to know if we could still talk here and there or hang out, and I said I didnt think it's be good, but for him to call me when he thought he was ready. He agreed and I havent heard from him since (only 3 days).

 

It has been so much harder for me than I thought it would be, making me realize how much I really like him. I know I made the right decision, but I really wonder what he is thinking. He was not the one who broke up with me, even though his head was not where it should be. i think he really liked me and wanted to make it work, but couldnt get past the depression. DO you think that if he liked me enough he could have overcome his hurt from his ex and been with me? Or do you think that he was using me to try and get over his ex. I really dont thik he was, because he wanted to take things slow with me and even though we fooled around, I dont think he just wanted to sleep with me because he had some chances and we never did. He was very affectionate and sweet with me.

 

I know everyone has told me from a last post to move on and not get involved with this guy even if he does call me back, but I keep feeling more and more like if he could get over some of these issues with his ex, we could have a fair chance. i wish I could speed it along. I know that if he called in a week or two from now, hed be fooling himself that he is healed, but I like him so much, I would want to risk being hurt. Is this wrong, do these relationships have potential to work? Do you think he really liked me? I just feel like I need support right now, as I am missing him so much and wondering if he is missing me, or if he is, would he break down and call me or is he using restraint, or maybe he is just thinking about his ex girlfriend and he is done with me already...any experience with this? Anyone?

[advgal6]

I'm sure he probably liked you, but you still made the right decision. Would you actually want to be in a relationship where you had to worry about your b/f thinking of someone else all the time? Think of how unfulfilling that would be. I know I'd be miserable. I'd rather be single and enjoy my life.

 

If you really want to be with him, you definitely have to give him as much time as he needs. You really can't speed this kind of thing up. That's really up to him. I guess you could help by continuing to maintain a friendship with him, but I wouldn't take it any farther than that, as hard as that sounds! I know it hurts not to be with him, but think about how much more it would hurt to be with him right now.. while he's still hung up on another girl.

 

Just be patient You'll be alright.

[yumicecream]

If you care anything about him, really, you'll get over him for now and let him heal from his break up. You need to have patience...you can't always demand what you want instantaneously.

 

I think you are definetly going in the right direction.

[browneyedgirl36]

I have experience with this exact thing and...in my case, it didn't work out at all. In fact, it sounds VERY much like what you've said here. He seemed to really like me a lot (and I still think he did), he wanted to see me, but went back and forth with himself about it, etc. I kept hoping it would change, that he would eventually get over his ex and see how great I am and want to be with me. In my case, I continued to see the guy, developed very strong feelings for him, ended up on a huge emotional rollercoaster, and when it ended up not working out (I finally realized I couldn't keep waiting around for him to "get over" his ex), I was crushed. Shortly after I had decided I needed to stop seeing him, he got back together with his ex anyway, and he's still with her, though I've gotten the impression from him that they are not doing particularly well.

 

My story is just one, of course, but based on what happened to me, if I had to give you advice, I'd say to let him go. Stop contacting him. If, at some point, he decides to move forward and wants to start seeing you again, he'll let you know. Waiting around hoping he'll get over her and trying to "help" him get over her isn't a good situation for you to get into. It could lead to a lot more disappointment, even heartbreak if you get too attached to him.

[Anon333]

Thanks so much advalgal...I was kinda hoping that by me stepping away and stopping contact and communication, he might actually miss me and think about me a little more as opposed to being with me and missing his girlfriend. I know we dont have a history together..But I think we made some impressional good feelings and times together that he may miss after awhile..If he doesnt feel the same, you're right, its not worth being with someone who is not 100 percent there for you. But I do know that sometimes you can date someone who you are not yet 100 percent there for, maybe still thinking of an ex, and then gradually your thoughts and feelings have grown for this person and you arent thinking of the ex. Is that a rebound? But I think that can only happen towards the end of healing, and not when you still have days of "depression" about it as he mentioned he had.....

 

I guess I just have to use restraint and patients and let what will happen take its course..There is really no control I have over this, except for if he did call me or want to hang out.....Dont you think i have a better chance to be with him if I just cut contact and let it be up to him, rather than talking to him here and there and him knowing he could be with me any time...I want him to suddenly realize one day that he could possibly be passing up a really great thing with me, and make an effort to contact me..If he cant do that, than hopefully at that point I wont be missing and dwelling on this...Is this right?

[Anon333]

thanks you all..I know some of you helped me out in a post before...I really appreciate it. I just keeping going over it in my head. I know what I am doing is the right thing, but me missing him so much makes me really wonder, "is he missing me?", or is he just thinking about his ex...Browniedgirl, I really am sorry you went through that..That is the reason why i cut things short with him and have cut off contact, I dont want to get any more attached to him than I was starting to get, and I really want to know he is into me, even though he acted it, there were enough little signs for me to stop the relationship. The thing that is hard, is that if I hadnt said anything, I may have been hanging out with him tonight, making out and enjoying his company...

 

And Yummicecream, thanks for the confidence. i do care about him..It actually makes me really sad to know what he is going through, because I have been through it and it really really is living hell getting over an ex. I have never met anyone I liked while I was healing from it, so I dont know what kinda conflict that might be in his head. I have ended up in relationships I didnt want to be in after a bad break up, and that was not a good thing...

[yumicecream]

To keep a bird,you don't hold it in your grasp. You let it go and see if it flies back.

[TBE_1989]

Having been in a relationship with someone who was still hung up on their ex, I agree with the others when they say wait and don't contact him. Being in a relationship with someone who still isn't over their ex - no matter how much they love and care about you - is a very stressful situation to be in. There are always these niggling thoughts and anxiety in the back of your mind about what he's thinking, how he really feels. It's not worth it, I've been there.

[Anon333]

Thanks again for the response. I am really curious if anyone reading this has been on the other end of this situation. Trying to get over someone and then meeting someone you really are attracted to and connect with. Would it normally make your hurt and pain go away for a bit? Or do you try to not let that person get away even though you know you are still healing. Just wondering if you have enough heart to even feel something for someone else if you are trying to heal....

[ghost69]

^^^i have anon. i've met some great girls while in the coming back to single phase. just isn't a good time as i broke some hearts i'm sure cause i was still in limbo. save yourself the despair.

[Anon333]

thanks ghost....You seem to give good advice on here. Did you ever think of getting in touch with one of them a few months down the line when you felt more healed...Anything ever com out of a relationship after a breakup, or is it just a lost cause for good?

[ghost69]

thanks ghost....You seem to give good advice on here. Did you ever think of getting in touch with one of them a few months down the line when you felt more healed...Anything ever com out of a relationship after a breakup, or is it just a lost cause for good?

 

i have had both. i've contacted after i was all healed up and we had a thing for a bit. then there were times where i thought, it's just a lost cause or the girl ended up in a relationship with someone else. so....it's a toss up.

 

i remember one girl that i met who had a bf. they finally broke up and she would call me all the time. i told her to only call me when she was ready for something. well, come to find out she ended up back with that abusive douchebag again. i ran into her working at a bar and said wassup. of course she hooked me up with drinks and had a quick chat, but i just was over it. she looked dam good too and i was interested, but that boat sank long ago. i wouldn't say she lost her chance, i'd just say it was poor timing. can't help it sometimes.

 

but so many other people out there you can't let it worry you.

 

oh, glad you like my advice. i know some people would attest to that cause i'm too blunt.

[Batya33]

I don't think he was that into you to begin with -- for whatever reason (despite the attraction) - which is what prompted you to ask him whether he was ready for a relationship (you described all this in your last thread). Part of it might be the "I was hurt and I'm not ready" and part of it is that he's not that into you. Obviously, that could change but I see his interest only decreasing if you agree to settle for the "scraps" of hanging out with him (and probably hooking up) because he will wonder why you're willing to settle when you've made it clear you are looking for someone who sees potential for a relationship, which he does not at this time. He will respect you more if you stick to your guns and tell him to call you only if he is ready to pursue a relationship with you.

[Anon333]

Thanks Batya, for both the responses..haha.....Yeah, I think he was interested in me and wanted to get to know me, but I think he wasnt ready for things to move as fast as they did, and they didnt move fast just because of me...I am pretty sure that if he wasnt heart broken over his ex, he'd be psyched to have met me....Not to sound overly confident, because it is a bit of an ego let down to not have the similar feelings returned, but my gut really tells me that if it werent for him struggling with his ex, he'd be matching my interest....But I could be wrong, and what I was trying to figure out is, if the right person came along, no matter how heart broken you were, couldnt that be enough to pull you out of your other heartbreak? Or is it all about timing.....Just curious, because maybe if I was angilina Jolie, he could have easily felt better....Or does it not matter who it is when you are heart broken....Everyone is probably out on a Friday night, and here I am typing alone in my room on enotalone...haha....

[ruffles]

No, if someone is truly heartbroken, they need to heal. No one can "pull them out of" being heartbroken. They might be distracted from their pain and infatuated for a while, but eventually the thrill and excitement wears off and they still have issues related to their heartbreak lingering within themselves.

[Anon333]

Thanks Ruffles..I really think it was just bad timing...I feel myself going through a mini heartache of missing him, even though it was such a short time of hanging out, I have that pit in my stomach and feel sad hanging out with other people....I guess he was feeling that way about his ex....I guess I cant predict the future though...If we were right for eachother and it was just bad timing, than maybe it will work. My personal feeling toward it, is I havent met anyone I have had a spark and interest in for years..And I had made up my mind since my last relationship, that I wont get involved with anyone unless I feel that way...I know the only thing I can possibly do is be strong and show restraint by not calling him. The ball is in his court....No matter how much I wonder if I am a thought in his head...I think he was very honest with me and it makes me respect him more..He was not trying to get into my pants, he genuinely wanted to get to know me, and I think he was really trying to be fair about the situation...We both handled it in a way that I hope has left the door open...If we both meet someone else, or if he gets back with his ex, than I guess it wasnt meant to be....?