started dating someone, but sensed he wasnt over his ex....opinions

[Anon333]

Hello, I know most of you are on this sight because they are trying to heal from a break up. I guess in a small way I am doing the same, but it was a short lived relationship that I feel was cut off too soon due to him not being fully healed from his last serious girlfriend of two months...I was just hoping some people on here could help me with some questions..

 

I know I did the right thing by breaking things off with him..But I cant help to really feel like if he was not trying to get over his ex girlfriend, we could have had something pretty special..There was a spark there between us that both of us admitted to the first time we met...And when we were together we really connected and had a good time...The problem was, that when we werent together or maybe times when we were together, he still was dealing with emotions and issues from his last relationship that ended about 2 months ago, and they lived together.

 

I left things between us open, saying I dont want to just hang out or be friends, but for him to call me when he felt he could be more ready. I dont know if he will call me. I am hoping he will, but know if he does it may be too soon.

 

My big question is that if it is the right person you meet, no matter how heart broken you are from your last relationship, could they pull you out of it? Or does it not matter how right the person is for you at the time, if you are not over your ex, then that person will just be a rebound and complicate things.....? Does anyone think that my leaving the ball in his court, give him the potential of opening up his eyes and seeing he could lose someone good? I know I need to just move on, and Im glad I didnt invest too much of myself (just a few weeks with him), but I do feel like things were going really well and were cut short...

[alex08]

Hey, i've been in a similar situation, bcos my boyfriend was not over his ex ans becos i've been in the possition where i havent been over an ex.

 

When your not over your ex then ni matter how hard you try you cant be with a new person, because you don't appreciate them for the person you are and you en dup hurting them. So sometimes you lose a great person just bcos of your ex and you never get a second chance with them. So only move on if you really want to and aren't certain ther is not a future for you, if there could be, wait and see if they'll ever get over their ex, in the meantime give them space to get over them, but not so much thye think you don't care or find someone else x

[Anon333]

I kind of left as I dont want to be friends or talk unless he is ready to. I dont think I could move on unless I just stop talking to him. I will be hoping in the back of my head that he will eventually call me to hang out. But by then it may be too late....So you had a situation where your boyfriend was not over his ex and now you guys are dating? Did you have to give him space and time and wait to see when he was ready?

[Jeffrey01]

Wow.. I am going through this right now. I have been divorced for a year, and am in a "relationship" but have been accused of not being over my ex wife completely. I have to agree with her on this. While I have accepted my marriage is over, I still have some things I need to do, such as deal with what I'm going to do with my wedding ring etc.

 

I think in my case, the problem was, I went right from my broken marriage, to having a friend/girlfriend (it's been 2 years of this and I still dont know what to call it). I never had that time inbetween to heal.

 

The thing is, we've acknowledged this, and admit, we need to take a break, but were both finding it difficult to do. Nevertheless, I feel that if I don't do it, I'll never completely heal.

 

So in short, to answer your question, I dont think there is anything you can do. He needs to get over it. And I can attest, that the healing usually needs to be done alone. Otherwise it just gets pushed under the rug, as I found I have done in some ways.

 

By the way, this current relationship was going great when it was casual. But as soon as she was ready for it to progress to the next level was when the problems became visible. As I wasn't in any way ready for that.

 

Sad thing is, as you mentioned.. I know I'll again be losing someone special, but what can I do?

[alex08]

What happened is that i met him when he was still with his girlfriend, there was an instant spark between us but i didnt say anything as he had a girlfriend. After a few weeks she broke up with him, they had been together a long time, i gave him some comfort and told him how i felt, he said he liked me but wasnt over his ex, but then we ended up getting together, it only lasted a couple of weeks and he broke up with bcos he wasnt over her, i said i would give him space, but i waited too long and he found some one else

[Anon333]

ohhh..Okay..Alex08, I guess I thought you were still with him and it worked out. So do you suggest I stay in touch with him here and there. I dont want to feel like I am checking up on him as in, "are you ready to be with me yet"...And I dont think either one of us can be just totally casual in our relationship, even though I think that is what we both wanted, it felt like it was turning into more, and I know he couldnt handle it with all the other stuff going on with him...So basically, it is going to take a long time for him to heal, and at that point I dont think I will be as excited and sure about us. I want more than anything for him to call me up next week and say, Ive been stupid, lets give it a chance, but from what I am hearing, thats a fat chance....

[Anon333]

he's been about two months out of it. Initially when we started hanging out, he insisted the relationship was over for 2 months even before the actual break up, but obviously he was trying to trick himself into thinking he could date again..Or at least, maybe he really didnt want to miss out on dating me....I can only hope....DOes anyone know how long it might take him to heal. Its been two months and I still think he is wrapped up in her. I could probably have my hopes up for a month and then loose whatever I hoped for..Thats probably not enough time...

[alex08]

yeh, definitely stay in touch, you don't know what will happen in the future, it could work out for you two. But if you think when he's ready you won't be excited about he relationship anymore then maybe it's best that you move on, but be friends still and see what happens

[penelope13]

i'm in a somewhat similar situation. I have this very good friend of mine who was unhappy in his relationship. Only recently we have both discovered that we have feelings for each other, but for some reason or another he was not ready to let go of his relationship. So I decided that I couldn't spend any more time with him, nor be his friend even over the phone until he was sure what he wanted from the gf or from me, but that he could call me anytime. - I was pretty heartbroken when I told him all of this, because I think we could potentially be a great fit and have something really serious.

 

That was 4 weeks ago. I indeed didn't contact him at all. But it didn't even take him 2 weeks to call me. Although I was really ecstatic that he called, I managed not to tell him anything about myself and all the things going on in my life. I just said that I was happy to hear from him. I also managed not to ask him anything about the situation with the gf. When he continued to ask me about my life, I repeated that I didn't think it was appropriate for us to be talking about this until he had worked through everything. He saw that I ment business and just wanted me to reassure him that it would be ok for him to call me.

 

Another week or so later he called again. Again he mainly wanted to know how I was doing, again I didn't divulge any details. When I told him that I was glad hearing from him, he asked me if I couldn't call him as well in the future. I refused with the argument that I don't want to influence the choices that he has to make. In response he tells me that he misses me and that he doesn't want me to disappear from his life, so he would stay in touch.

He also said that he is going through a lot of emotional things, but that at the moment he doesn't want to talk to me about it yet.

 

He called me a mere 4 days later, just to hear how I am doing.

 

Since he seems to be very serious about not letting me walk out of his life and since he also seems to be very busy with working out (i.e. ending his relationship [they are ldr] and working through all the emotions related to that) I told him that I would be in his city the coming weekend and that I could find some time to see him.

 

He was sooooooooo happy about that. He did offer me to stay at his place, but I declined, since I will be in town to see a dear friend (who I haven't seen for 2 years) for a family event.

 

 

 

Of course I cannot be sure yet, but it seems as if we are heading in the right direction. - I was very consistent with my emotional boundaries and the NC on my part. I didn't put any pressure on him to choose me, or to make a hasty decision. I didn't slam the door in his face either about him contacting me. - I only will see him for a short time (no longer than any of the calls that we had in the past few weeks). - I am with a very close friend who will ensure that I will not see him more than 30min-1hour and who will keep me occupied for the rest of the weekend before I have to go back to my own city.

 

He is the one keeping up the contact, decreasing the amount of silence between us and telling me more and more about his feelings for me.

 

So there is hope!

[Anon333]

Thanks so much for your experience penelpe. I feel the same as you. I feel like I was ready for him and he wasnt, so it is up to him to clear his mind and if he starts realizing he doesnt want to lose me, maybe he will start calling....But I think you are being very cautious about it, because who knows how long him getting over this other girl will take, and who knows he wont THINK he is over her because he misses you, but then when he is with you, his mind is still confused. I dont know if this guy will ever call me...I think I have to wait a couple weeks, and if he does, just even to say hello, I think it will mean that even though he is going through crap in his head, he still doesnt want to completely loose any chance with me..That doesnt necessarily mean he wont lose his chance with me.....It really makes me sad, in a way I feel rejected, but I know there is nothing I could do to heal his broken heart...

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hi, I was in a similar situation recently.

 

I met this girl and we had alot going - ALOT of chemistry, had a great time together, we were always so excited to see each other. While we were on a date about a month into dating, she randomly started talking about her ex. She was saying things like-

 

I was aloof and insensitive to him.

We were together for six years.

We grew apart and didn't spend alot of time together.

I recently talked to him about things I could have done better in the relationship.

 

These things just came out randomly, and it was extremely clear to me that she was not over this guy. She told me she wanted to be exclusive after about a month of dating, and told me she was in love with me in 2 months. 2 months being in loved seemed a bit fast to me, but I really liked the girl, so I went along with it. However, her previous words about her ex rung in my mind and they never left. I thought to myself I could get deeper and deeper with this girl, and if I am in fact a rebound, I'm going to get very hurt once she comes down from the ex situation. I also thought it possible that she was pondering getting back together with him, because she said that she "recently talked to him about their relationship and things that she could have done better."

 

To me, it sounded quite possible that they were working on reconciling. I was not sure. This + wanting to spend time with + being in love with me came accross as ALOT of mixed messages.

 

We started to have conflict, because I was insecure about this. She was not very receptive to my feelings. Whenever I brought up things she said that bothered me, she would take it very personally. She could not see that I liked her, just not some of the things she said/did. I sensed that she was still hurting very much from her last relationship. She would say I thought she was a horrible person because I brought up things, but I was only trying to say I didn't like the things, but I did like her as a person.

 

The relationship did not work out. I was just too freaked out by the things she said and the way she acted. I decided to end things with her.

 

I told you this story hoping you might gain something from my experience.

You need to decide for yourself what you want to do based upon what you are sensing from this guy. Alot of people say you can get over someone by going to someone else. It's tough in a situation like this, because you don't know the person. You don't know where they are emotionally and you don't know their true intentions.

 

I tend to be more risk averse. I would prefer to deal with someone having a clean slate. We all have exes and some baggage, but I'd rather someone who has had sufficient time to sift through and process their emotions and experience, so they are emotionally ready and available for a happy and healthy relationship.

 

It sounds like you are having doubts - must be why you are posting on here. I urge you to consider the alternative. Perhaps you want to pass up this person and keep searching. You can find someone with the qualities you desire minus the ex baggage.

[Hollyj]

Actions and words are two different things. It's funny how they seem to be so attentive when there is no responsibility to a relationship. Hon, don't let yourself become a 'back burner' girl!

[Jeffrey01]

If any of you dealing with this want to know what it's like from the other side, just ask. Like I said, I'm in a situation like this right now, and am the one holding up the relationship because I still have things I need to work out. It's definitely a tough one.

 

Just know that it's frustrating from both sides.

[Hollyj]

If any of you dealing with this want to know what it's like from the other side, just ask. Like I said, I'm in a situation like this right now, and am the one holding up the relationship because I still have things I need to work out. It's definitely a tough one.

 

Just know that it's frustrating from both sides.

 

With my ex it's been five years since his divorce and he has still not moved on.

 

Jeffrey, I am not directing this at you but I certainly wish my ex had not brought me into his life-telling me he loved me and that we working towards a relationship-it certainly would have prevented me a lot of heartache.

[Jeffrey01]

Holly, you mean your ex was not over his past relationship and it caused yours to end?

 

The problem with mine was that this girl and I were friends, and she was there to help me out after my divorce. It then led to more serious feelings, but at the same time, I was always straightforward and honest with her about my feelings. That's one thing. We did and still do talk about it. I just think she is now questioning if she wants to be in this anymore and waiting for me to get my act together.

 

I do act as a boyfriend, but she says there is something "missing".. that I'm not all there. And the thing is, I know she is right. Not 100% sure what it is, but it's there. I feel I've moved on, but who knows.

 

My point to everyone is, at least in my case.. I do NOT want to be selfish. Thats why I'm always honest with her. But it's getting harder. If she wants out, I'll have to let her go. Only fair thing to do if you're not ready. I really wish I was.

 

Its tough.. we are both there for each other.

[Hollyj]

Jeffrey,

 

That wasn't the only issue. The main issue is the fact that he was/is emotionally scarred from the marriage and is incapable of letting anyone in. Holding onto the previous relationship is yet another way of preventing a happy and healthy relationship with anyone .

 

I was his first "relationship" in the four years since the divorce. He pursued me ardently, and when I returned the feelings, he bailed. The ex-wife and the kids were the excuse for not being able to incorporate someone into his life. So, I don't know if this a symptom of his emotional unavailability, or if he has not moved on. Funny thing though, she asked for a reconciliation and he refused to go back.

 

This guy tried to come back a second time and keep me at a safe level (no commitment) but I would have none of it.

[Jeffrey01]

I'm sorry that happened. Sad that he pursued you, then bailed on you. Thats not fair.

 

Is it unfair to keep someone at a "safe" level, as long as you make it clear thats what you are doing?