need some opinions...not sure how to gauge this guy...please help

[yumicecream]

Do not center your life around this guy. Do not even make him a part of the equation. Move back or don't move back...this decision has nothing to do with him.

[Anon333]

I know that,...But I was kinda leaving things up in the air to see how I felt about everything, not just him, when February comes....I'm so pissed he hasnt called or texted at all even yet...It is making it easier for me to say goodbye to him...Although I bounce back and forth wondering if I am over reacting at being to hard on him..He is probably at work now...The thing is, he was usually consistant with sending me texts and calling me up until suddenly...I feel kinda like "you snooze you loose", whether I like him alot or not...I just am at that point where Ive had enough emotionally draining relationships, I dont already need stress this early on...

[FreedomRing]

Here's another take Anon....usually when your first dating someone, you're putting your best YOU forward. If this is the best HIM that he's showing, it sounds minimal, and alot less then your giving him. Whether he's not ready from his last relationship or just is lazy, the point is, he's not giving off his interest is as high as yours. It's really simple when you think about it. You know how you want to be treated and what you expect and he is falling short, if he ever met it at all. Move along.

[Batya33]

If I read this right, you two are just hanging out and hooking up - not dating. So, you can't expect him to treat you like someone he's dating - that is, calling in advance to ask you out for a date, planning the date, etc - after only two weeks that to me is what should be happening the majority of the time with the rare exception that you call him first or you suggest a date in advance.

 

This is why I am not a fan of people refusing to acknowledge that they're dating, especially when it involves being physical - it can work out fine for the person who is on the fence because it gives him an easy out if the other person presses for "what are we doing" or expresses concerns about "you never take me out on dates" but not for the person settling for the scraps.

[Anon333]

batya33...Thank you for the response...I think it was what I needed to hear as to not get all worked up as though I have been dating this person for months and I just caught him with another woman....We have not had the dsicussion of dating exclusive or what we want from eachother...But I feel we have both made it known we are into eachother and we have pretty much called eachother every day and made plans to hang out every other day....One night, he had to go to a friends party far away, and we both missed eachother so much he drove a half an hour at midnight to come see me...So it is more than just "hanging out", but I dont really want to put a label on it.....

 

Anyway, here is an update....He finally texted me, and said he hopes Im having a good day and that he is not sure about plans on Friday as he might be going with a group of people out of town to a friends birthday party....He then asked me how I am doing today, and I havent responded..He called, and I didnt recognize the number so I didnt answer..He left a message saying I didnt respond to how my day was going and that he'd call me when he gets out of work....

 

I dont know how to feel or what to do..Im mad at myself for getting worked up over this...I think he might be oblivious....I dont know if he even realized I was getting upset that he never texted back...I dont know why I am upset about his plans to go away either...Even though I have not been in a relationship for a year..Maybe I just dont know how to do it....I am starting to think maybe I dont want to be with him anyway..I dont want anything serious, and yet I expect what a girlfriend would expect...Thats just not right...

[KG]

"...If someone texts me, even if I am running around late for work..I have time to text them back if I like them."

 

Then expect no less from him, and tell him so.

 

If I we're seing someone, I would tell them that at the least, respond to a text. It's civil!

[Batya33]

I would stop seeing him that often because it sounds like you're getting too attached - let him make specific plans in advance to see you and take you out on a date - don't let him come over at midnight - let him miss you a little.

[Anon333]

okay...So after all that I spoke with him just now..I mentioned how it took so long for him to text me back...and I turned it into a joke.."gee he must really not want to go hiking"..he laughed and said it wasnt like that, that he fell asleep and was busy at work...Then he said he might be going away on Friday but if not he would want to go hiking..Im trying to put myself in his shoes..And I can see that if I had an event with friends coming up, I wouldnt think it was a big deal to do it...

 

So, we made plans to hang out Wednesday, but it is starting to kinda be a drag on me...I think after the whole thing today, the whole excitement of the beginning of a relationship brought me down.....I dont even feel like I expressed anything I wanted to in the conversation....But I guess I could have expressed things I regretted...I dont know.....I feel like calling him and having a more serious talk..But I dont even know what I want, so it is just useless...I'm not sure what to do..I want him to make some type of real plans, but it seems like it has just turned into us "hanging out"...without quite knowing what it is, but not wanting to discuss it....

[KG]

Time to let him go. I'm sorry...but you are putting more and more into this...

I am guilty of the same thing...I get clingy, then shut out.

Better to let things peter out, than hope great things will come of this....

I will give ))HUGS(( till this is done, but you can't put your heart on hold for this guy.

[Anon333]

I called him and asked if he was okay...Said I sensed he wasnt over things with his ex...Said I didnt want to get involved with someone who had these things in the back of their head....he agreed...Im crying and Im sad but Im glad it is early on and i didnt invest myself in getting hurt more....

[fivespot]

It took me over a year to get over someone I never even officially "dated." She strung me along for the longest time, and I told her I was in love with her...she said she loved me but nothing ever came of it. Eventually I gave up, but like I said, I wasn't ready to date again for a year later! I was devistated, but what could I do? That's just how it was for me.

 

Ok, call me nuts for being so hung up on someone that wanted nothing to do with me for so long, but the point is, even if you "remotely" love someone, or even just get attached to that comfort zone, it's going to take a lot longer than 2 months to get back up on your horse.

 

I don't mean to rip your hopes away from you, but you have to understand where he's coming from. I know what it's like to be hurt and depressed from a lost love and it takes time. I knew enough to stay away from dating new girls until I was fully healed, but many people don't. That doesn't make them bad, they're just vunerable.

 

So give him a break. If you want to wait for him, that's up to you. But I wouldn't really expect anything serious from this guy anytime soon...even if he would pretend at first.

[Anon333]

fivespot...I totally agree, and thats why Im so sad....I dont have any false hopes...In fact, i feel like this whole situation really tainted any possible future...I understand where he is coming from, because like you and him, I have totally been in his shoes, and no one and nothing can pull you out of that place except yourself. I wish I could help him, but there is nothing I could do....I appreciated his honesty and pretty much told him goodbye and told him it was up to him to call if he wanted...But in all honesty..I think if he calls any sooner than a couple months more, I will not trust he's over it..It really sucks and Im depressed...But Im glad I had that intuition that he wasnt all over it....So sad....For him, for me, for a possible relationship....Timing always ruines everything...Fivespot, thanks for your honesty..I really hope I can keep this break up clean and dont hear from him and get over it fast....Because feeling lousy like this brings me back to a bad place...

[fivespot]

You are a really smart person, and I'm not just saying that to make you smile or make you feel better (I hope it makes you feel a little better though!)

 

Believe me, I literally would have KILLED to have your insight with the girl I was talking about in my previous post here. Look what you've done here: you took a bold yet courageous step in the right direction and DID THE RIGHT THING, even in spite of the fact you really liked this guy.

 

Why am I saying this? Because my ex (we'll call her my ex, even though like I said we never dated) used me to get over her ex. Yes, that's right I let my year-long agony happen to myself because even though I saw red flags, I did nothing to put on the brakes. I foolishly believed things would eventually be different.

 

But they never got any better. Only worse. And let me tell you, even while I was with her, I never felt loved or appreciated by her. Simply put, my life was pure hell every second I knew her and every second I pined away for her.

 

What would you rather? You have nothing much invested as of right now. I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but wouldn't you rather deal with this now, rather than when you're completely in love with him???

 

I want you to know that you did a great thing for yourself and you should be proud. No one should enter a relationship while your partner is still heartbroken for their ex. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

You can wait for him, maybe put him on the back burner, but have a few good cries, then get back out there with some friends and meet some new people.

 

Believe me when I tell you, I spent an entire year in a red nightmare thinking I would never find someone else, and if I did, they'd probably have this same bs baggage with them.

 

And guess what, a few girls I dated did have issues I wasn't going to deal with. But that first experience made me stronger and made me more able to deal with red flags when they begin to appear. But now I've met someone with no ex issues, no major baggage (that I know of) and our personalities are so much alike, it's almost scary!

 

I'm glad I went through that crap with my ex, even though it was the worst experience of my life, and I never thought I'd ever say that. Go back and read some of my old posts, you'll see how low I actually was.

 

Good luck to you. I hope things work out. Just be proud of yourself for doing what you did and be strong. You will find someone that will appreciate and love you for the courage you obviously have!

[Pappers]

.. he's keeping his options open.

[Pappers]

aw sorry, just read one of your latest posts. It is sad, but hey - you have saved yourself from a broken heart!!!!!!! It will be ok -

treat yourself to something nice like a spa day if you can and feel comfort knowing YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! good for you for lettting him go - that takes a lot of strength!

[Anon333]

makes me so sad.....Do you think he really liked me and is not over his girlfriend, or is he just using that as an excuse...I hope i get over this fast.....

[Pappers]

It might be a combination of those things. But it is likely that he enjoyed hanging out and getting to know you, but wasn't thinking about you in terms of a serious girlfriend. He want to have options basically.

 

You are now in a better position... you will get over this faster NOW than you would if you had stayed in there trying to make something work that was never going to work. You have done a very good thing indeed to cut it off ahead of time.

 

If he really does think of you as a serious girlfriend then he will let you know... it is simple. A man holds onto a woman and doesn't let other guys get to her if he really wants her as a gf. He liked you, but not 'enough' to make a commitment... and no, there is nothing you could have done, said or looked to have changed his mind.

 

Feel good knowing that he can't hurt you anymore than how you feel right now....

 

everything will be OK

[Anon333]

Do you think he may rethink things and call me? Sorry, Im just having a hard time thinking its over for good..I feel like he really liked me and had a connection..But I know he was depressed and so down about his ex..It makes me mad that I wasnt enough for him to get over her...I am so sad...I dont want to get more hurt so I guess its for the best.....But I hate thinking its final...It feels the break up was so open.....Im sorry everyone for dragging this post out...

[Pappers]

actually I don't know what he is thinking, so I am going off what his actions are saying and how you feel. And, a lot of experience with a man that never truly wanted me that wasted 3 years of my life.

 

He might call. And he might want to start things going again. If that's what you want then fine, but I suggest that you ONLY engage with him in this situation IF you are progressing forward. Meaning, if the new relationship you have with him is new and moving forward.... him actually returning your texts and not sleeping all day excuses, and most importantly - making plans with you in the future (like a camping trip, meeting his friends, movie in a couple weeks, trying out a restaurant sometime) and using 'we'. But that is if he calls and wants to start something new... and if you want to this as well.

[Pappers]

also, be weary if he takes a few weeks to call you..... in a situation like this he may have dated someone and it not worked out. Make sure you are number 1, not number 25 on his list, especially if he's just feeling lonely or dumped.

[Anon333]

Thanks again Pappers..He actually did make a few dates and made plans every other day to be with me. He was trying I think, but I think today when he didnt return my text right away, I just started thinking, gee, he sleeps alot and his life suddenly seems sad to me, and he hasnt text me yet and might be dealing with alot from his break up....I think in all honesty, for someone going through all that, he really was trying to give me everything he had..And I believe he really liked me....I just think he might be tired out from thoughts of his ex and trying to work things out with me, that when I called him, I think I really pulled it out of him and it was like I was speaking for him and he agreed..He even said how I must have really good intuition...That he was depressed today....

 

So, whether he ever calls me or not, I feel like I made a deeper connection with him by sensing something and letting him go to sort out his stuff. I just would never want to start anything with him again if I knew the ex was still in the picture....I guess I will just have to live my life and see...I am not the type to actively persue people, so if i meet someone else in the mean time, I would never pass him up to wait for this guy...But it is rare I meet guys I like..Thats why Im bummed out about this guy....

[Anon333]

Thanks Pappers....I will be cautious with him...My instincts say he is genuinely still getting over his ex and wanted to try with me but couldnt..He even suggested we still talk once in awhile, but I pretty much said call me if you knew you were ready....Anyway..After a couple weeks, if I dont hear from him I think it will be easier just to forget about him....

[KG]

Anon,

Congrats for taking such a big step. But the hurt you feel now is nothing like the pain from investing in something for a long time, only to realise he was not over his ex.

 

Pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. And if he is the one, he'll let you know.

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better soon. Since you are the type of person who gets attached fast my suggestion is next time to see someone once or -- at the very most! - twice a week, let the man initiate most of the dates in advance in the beginning and manage your expectations so that you force yourself to get to know the person over time without getting overly excited about the initial stages of dating.

 

You probably won't know the truth about why he decided not to spend more time with you but you don't have to - because at this early stage it's nothing personal and at least he didn't promise exclusivity or a potential commitment, right? It sounds like he was over his ex enough to hang out with you, share a bed with you and get physical.

 

As far as asking him to call you - well, sure, but if he is willing to risk losing you then perhaps you want to re-think whether you want to see him again. That depends on how sure you are about his not being over his ex.

Feel better.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

My other suggestion would be to not expect to get really involved really soon. By that i mean, you had only known him 2 1/2 weeks, and you were expecting to see each other, text daily. You were even texting him one hour after you left his house, after just having spent the night with him.

 

Most people are secure enough to make a date, then not see each other for a day or two without texting, especially in the beginning. If it is a longtime boyfriend in a serious relationship, you might text or talk to him one or twice a day, but if you don't know him, constantly demanding his attention as if you were a steady girlfriend can put a lot of guys off. They think it is a bit stalkerish, and it's you are overanxious to slide them into the devoted boyfriend role when they hardly know you.

 

So in future, i wouldn't expect such constant interaction from someone you've just starting dating, until you've been dating them several months at least.

 

If you are really young (teenagers) do text all the time, but as people mature, they have other responsbilities like work and are more independent and don't want constant texting.