Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I am new to dating, and most of my relationships usually just happen and I dont recall dealing with these uncertainties I keep having with this guy I just started dating..... One red flag is that he just got out of a serious relationship about two months ago...I'm not really sure where his head is...We dont discuss personal serious stuff much. When we are together he never gives off any signs he is not into me. He is very sweet and we both act like we are totally into eachother. It is more a matter of what is going on behind the scenes that makes me nervous. He seems kinda lazy. Sometimes he doesnt return a text I send him all day long, but then when I finally talk to him and ask him what he was up to, he says he just laid around the house all day. This makes me wonder why he couldnt return my text. I am trying to take things slow and not be too needy, but I like it when I know a guy really is into me and wants to hang out. Last time we hung out, I thought we had a good time. I left his apartment in the morning and it felt like he was anxious for me to go...Maybe I am paranoid. An hour later I texted him to see if he wanted to go hiking on Friday. He didnt reply until the end of the night, and it was not about the plans, it was just a sweet message saying "have fun at work", which he usually does here and there.....Finally I texted back asking him I guess he didnt want to go hiking and it was okay if he didnt want to go....It was later at night so maybe he was sleeping, but I havent heard from him since, and I know he must be up and going to work by now. I dont understand why he couldnt just get back to me this morning......Im sure eventually he will, but too me it just seems lame and really pisses me off that he wouldnt reply.... So what do you guys think? Is it suspicious? could he be hanging out with another woman, or just not care to write me back, or not want to go hiking so he doesnt know what to say? I feel like texting him "are you okay?"...But I dont want to be the one who is sufficating him..Im so angry I almost feel like if he does call me or text me back, I should just not respond for a day...But I dont want to play games.....What should I do? Any opinions? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 How long have you known him, and does he take you out to public places? I would wait, and see if he takes more of a lead, and shows more interest in you. Also, since you're taking it slow, and not sure of where this "stands", I would certainly not be spending the night with him. Link to comment
Cirquel Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Omg... I'm in the same round-about position with a guy I just started dating, who doesn't keep in frequent contact with me at all. He's on a business trip now and said he'd email me but hasn't. I'm new to dating too, so I'm not sure what to make of your situation. I've been told many times that I shouldn't feel like it's "serious" -- just hang out with him whenever. But I don't like it at all, so I know how you feel. I want to know for sure the guy is INTO me. I feel like if he doesn't contact me fairly soon after I try to get into contact with him, he just doesn't care that much. Unfortunately, that might be what it is for the both of us... Who knows... maybe he's not looking for something all that serious right now... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 its been about two and a half weeks, and we have at least texted almost every day and hung out almost every other day, or maybe every three days...I usually sleep over his house, but we havent had sex yet, but getting close....When we started hanging out, we both agreed we really liked eachother and we've been trying to get to know eachother I guess..But when we are together it feels almost like we are dating..Yeah..I wrote a post about how he doesnt really bring me out in public places where he sees people he might know...Which is understandable because I initially was hanging out with his friend for about a week before I met him...... Thank you for your response, I just dont like to feel like Im on the verge of being rejected or that he is second guessing hanging out with me...Cause thats how it feels since he hasnt returned my text, and he's done it before where it really bums me out...Usually when a guy is super into me, he is the one texting me and making plans for the future..I dont want to get hurt, and I dont want to be with him if he isnt into me as much as I think he should be...Should I not respond to his text for a day maybe if he does ever text me back? Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 Cirquel..Thanks for responding..at least your guy is busy and has an excuse..This guy I am with pretty much sits around his house all day when he is not working.....ANd his job is not anything stressful...I wonder if he is just still in contact with his ex, or seeing other woman..The strange part is that when we are together he tells me how awesome and beautiful I am and we have so much fun and he puts his arm around me, and he hasnt tried to push sex even though we have fooled around.....He acts so into me while we are together, but then I question what is going on when I dont hear from him....WHen I do hear from him, it is just a brief, have a nice day... Link to comment
Cirquel Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Ahh okay, so it sounds you've had more contact with this guy than I have with mine. Yeah, wait to see what he says in response to your text! I think that's the best idea for now. Maybe the next time you end up talking to each other, you can bring it up (if he doesn't actually respond). Link to comment
ruffles Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Wait and see if/when he texts you back, and see what he says. Then make a decision about responding back. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 The problem is that it is REALLY bothering me he hasnt responded.....He had all morning and on his way to work to respond something small..Is it that he doesnt know what to say? There was one night when he wanted to hang out and I said I was just going to stay in with my family because I wanted a good nights sleep (and my stomach was upset)..I still wonder if he took that as a small rejection.....ANyway....I cant believe he heasnt responded...I do no think this is just no big deal thing..I think he is obviously either trying to tell me something, playing a game, or has other more serious things on his mind like his ex or something...It sucks because he really seems into me usually..I just dont get it..I keep wondering if maybe I did something wrong the last night we hung out....Even if he does respond, at this point I feel wounded..He must be trying to slow things down with us without saying it in words maybe? Doesnt that mean he isnt as into me....Sorry for sounding crazy... Link to comment
KG Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 If he just ended a relationship, perhaps he's trying to keep from getting too wrapped up in a new one? His way of keeping himself on a leash? Just guessing! Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 thanks KG...Sometimes I find it hard to believe that if you were really into someone you would pull back,....For most human beings, it would be the opposite...You would be trying not to talk to the person all the time and make plans with them....He obviously has more going on in his head than me.....Do I have merit to get upset or break things off just because it takes him for forever to return my texts/calls, or is this someone who is too needy and anxious talking? Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I think that if there are this many problems this early, you should close the door before this guy gets way worse for you. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 ugh...Do you think they are alot of problems and issues, or am I just making a big deal of common issues when first dating someone? I will move on and close the door if this no calling progresses..Especially if I dont hear from him all day today....It will totally bum me out and not trust his feelings for me anymore..it just makes no sense how much he seems to like me compared to how distant he is being now that Im not there... Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I've done this before and I've blamed myself before. But truly, if he's a good one, you won't have all these doubts b/c he will alleviate them. I just htink that relationships should be easy...ESPECIALLY this early. Relationships are supposed to improve life, not make it harder. Link to comment
ruffles Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Well his head might be caught up in his breakup. And you have every right to feel wounded by his not answering you. Perhaps this situation is what you need to open the door to talking a little about more personal things, like his break up. You don't have to let him know you're upset, you don't have to break it off entirely with him just yet. But when you talk to him, hopefully in person, you can bring up how "there's sometimes such a delay in our communication" that it has you wondering how things are going with his breakup. No accusing him of anything, no need to put him on the defensive. I've treated guys like he's treating you after a break up. When I was with them I really liked them. But when not with them I wasn't because my head was elsewhere. I delayed responding and all that. But I did tell them directly that I was fresh out of a relationship and really wasn't ready for anything new. If your gut tells you his head is in his relationship and it's interfering with you and him, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him that you're going to give him some time and space to work things out for himself, and that for now it's best you don't date him. That'll get him thinking outside of himself. We all tend to be a little self-absorbed during/after a break up. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Sometimes things don't work because of the timing. I take guys recently out of a break up as a huge flag 95% of the time. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 Thanks so much for your responses, its helping me sort out my thoughts. A few days after we were initially hanging out and really into eachother, he told me about his girlfriend and how they had broken up about two months ago. She had lived in the apartment with him and moved out...And now here I am hanging out in the apartment two months later..He must be in a strange plac ein his head...Then a week later, he told me she came over to get her stuff and sleep on his couch and they talked and he was all bummed out....I actually wrote a post on here about what I should do....I basically told him that it seems like he might have alot going on in his head and that maybe I would just confuse things and we should not hang out..He insisted he wanted to hang out with me, that the break up bothered him, but that the relationship hadnt been working for even two months prior to the actual break-up... So in a way, I did have that kind of talk with him, and things seemed okay and were going well..Up until a couple times where he just totally disreguards my text...I cant deal with people like that...If someone texts me, even if I am running around late for work..I have time to text them back if I like them..Obviously he just is second guessing me and it pisses me off...If he calls me, what should I say.....Im thinking maybe you guys are right and I should break things off with him before I get to wrapped up in it more than I already am...Im glad we didnt have sex..Thats another strange thing...He seems like he was all into fooling around, but the sex part was off limits..That might be another clue he isnt serious about me... Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 You sound smart. You won't do anything stupid, I don't think. You'll be okay no matter the conclusion. I think you should back off and wait a while till he gets over the girl. Link to comment
looking_up Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 First thing I thought of when reading your post was the book "He's Just not that Into You" by Greg Behrendt. My cousin recommended it to me so I picked one up at a local library. I highly recommend it if you are just starting to date again and/or are sick of over analyzing the other sexes behaviors and spending too much time in relationships that aren't going anywhere. Not only did I realize that several of my relationships were with guys that weren't into me, but I realized I too did the behaviors with guys I really wasn't into. When you really like someone, being with them makes your really happy, so why would you ignore texts, miss phone calls etc... from someone that makes you happy? You wouldn't. You would take every opportunity possible to get that happy fix. Link to comment
Aevar Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Do I have merit to get upset or break things off just because it takes him for forever to return my texts/calls, or is this someone who is too needy and anxious talking? No, not until you talk with him and find out what that's about, then compromise if needed. If he still isn't meeting your needs, then yeah, you've pretty much established he doesn't care and isn't willing to compromise. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I think that its the timing. He isn't ready to care. Maybe later on in life. Its not really that he isn't into "you' per se, as he isn't into a relationship right now in any ways due to the break up. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 you guys are right.....It only takes a few cues out of this situation to realize it..I really want to text him or call him up right now and just find out where he is coming from and what his deal it..But I guess I should just wait to see if he ever even texts back...He seemes so into me, up until he just blanked out and decided not to text me...He is the one who even made plans with me...Maybe that last night we hung out and then I left he started thinking about stuff....He obviously doesnt want anything serious and is showing me this by totally not responding to my text...Its frustrating that now I have to worry all day about when or if he might call me and what should say if he does...I do not want to feel like this with someone I just started dating, so I guess I know what I need to say and do......I just dont want to jump to conclusions when other signals point to him really being into me..How confusing! Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 If a guy makes me that frustrated, I'd text him and say, "okay I see how it is" and then forget about him. If he called back, I'd tell him exactly how I felt about him not responding. I don't hold stuff in...guys who make me feel like this don't make me feel like that for long. The instant a guy makes me feel crappy, I let him know. communication is key. But then again, I'm tough, I don't put up with bull. He is NOT ready and its better to just move on and...not even talk to him. Except I have a big mouth, I say stuff. heh He is obviously not ready...it doesn't matter how he seemed so into you...right now his real feelings are coming out...his gf is probably seeing him get over her so she's snaring him back...you can't beat an ex gf, thats one thing I've learned. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 haha..Youre right..Im not one to hold things in..But I also dont want to burn my bridges and regret anything...I am going to wait all day, as painful as it is..And if I havent heard from him around 8, which is when he gets out of work, I am going to call him and tell him exactly how I feel... I pretty much will tell him I liked hanging out with him, and I didnt really know what I wanted from the relationship and was kinda a relief not to have any heavy conversations. BUT, when I like someone, whether it is serious or not, I usually want to hang out with them and respond to their texts and phone calls at any chance I get, I Im not getting that from you, so obviously, you have more important things going on in your head to worry about any relationship with me....iIs that mean...Because it is the truth.....I dont know what I want from the relationship, but I do know my natural inclination is to talk and hang out with him, it is hard to fathom him feeling the same as me and then not responding to my text...I guess thats a good signal he doesnt feel the same...hmph... I hope I dont sound crazy...Again, thank you for your responses....I was really enjoying this guy....The last night I hung out with him, I also told him I hadnt had sex in almost a year...DO you think that freaked him out? I dont know.... Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I think that he's not ready right now. Don't do anything with him at all until six months b/c I think he's not over his ex. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 The problem with that is, I am not sure whether to move back east in February or not..I was thinking that if continued dating him and things went well, I would stay longer..Now I guess I will plan to move back..I dont want to wait around for someone anyway....Yeah people go through break ups and get hurt...But many people also meet the one they marry after a break up..If he really liked me, dont you think it wouldnt matter about his break up two months ago, and he'd be psyched he met me..Or maybe not...I dont know him....So it is right for me to assume he is not ready or into me enough for not responding to my text.....Even though he did text me last night saying have a fun at work.....Yeah..He must be up to something...he probably wrote that as one last text before he hung out with another girl or started thinking about his ex or something... Link to comment
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