Confusion - ACCCK!

[rich_1517]

Howdy

ok so been doing no contact (week 3). she hasnt, she wanted "space". huge surprise here wasnt expecting it but then we had gotten complacent, boring, I had declined to move in twice. After initiial departure i called her (couples days in) and owned what was my fault, that i was uncommittal and lets give it another try. she said im confused and need two months (i have no idea why two months). I was crushed. Basic upshot from her 'we arent working". I had used her "growth things" as reasons not to move in. I know now, again that this was bad. like real bad. (3 year relationship)

 

So been doing no contact, working out, walking, working, friends, etc. She has been calling 3-4 times. I am a little flirty mostly "hey nice to hear from you" no relationship talk, just small talk, I get off first. Been keeping obsession in check (barely). She has offered to help buy me something two days ago. I said thanks but not right now, but that was very thoughtful.

 

Background: I have been struglling with money for two years, put my father into a care facility last month. I have been difficult for some time. demanding and unappreciative. not a lot of fun.

 

Last night i get a call from her, i call her and she says "i didnt call". I had been planning on moving to saying "hey looks like no contact istn working want to go for coffee" but if she didnt call (lie - first ever that i know of). then that has to wait.

 

I am angry at this turn of events, i would like her to be straight up with me I have to fight the temptation to say "you called this off why are you calling me?" that wouldnt do much of anything.

 

I want her back but scared i have a 30 year old whose emotionally 15 years old on my hands who could really mess with my heart.

 

 

So its clear she misses me, but afraid to let go OR send a message of anything hopeful. The question:

 

1. continue doing no contact?

2. send flowers?

3. make boundaries?

4. punt the whole thing and deal with the pain but get her away?

5. take the pain i brought this on myself wait her out?

 

I love her and miss her and want that second chance, just dont know the next step.

[amilasiu]

1. Continue the no contact or casual friendly attitute when called by her.

2. NO flowers. NO teddy bears. (especially teddy bears )

3. Make boundaries: i.e. time period you give her to make up her mind or how much she can be involved with your life now. Limit your emotional and physical availability to her so that if she tries to mess with your heart you would be more resilient.

4. Keep all options (her going back, you meeting someone new, etc. ) open.

 

Getting her back will not solve the underlying issues by itself. Sometimes it is just better to move on.