Are all American men into casual dating? (I'm a foreigner)

[lonely rose]

Sorry if it seems like a stupid question...I've been living in the States for about 2 years now, and being a foreigner makes it a little difficult to relate to American men. I hate stereotypes but a lot of international people are under the impression that US men are just into casual dating and that it's all about the sex. I was sort of shocked to hear about the 3-date rule! But that's me - a little conservative and romantic. Anyway, I don't want to sound judgmental as I am not - everybody has a right to live their lives the way they want to...

Do all US men expect to have sex that early? Because, if yes, how the hell can you know if the person is interested in having a relationship or is just after a one-night stand? I've only been with one US person and it was a total disaster and right now I feel like it will be very difficult for me to trust someone...Ideally, I would like to get to know a person well first.

[steve33]

I think so many women expect want to expect that, that if you don't, they think you're a wimp.

 

I briefly dated some girl that we didn't even kiss until the 3rd or 4th date. She basically told me since it took that long that she didn't want to continue dating me.

 

I've found that taking things slowly with women will lead you to not get another date.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I've found plenty of guys who are willing to wait. The guy I am with now has waited nearly a year and a half.

[Batya33]

Not in my experience. I've heard about guys from all cultures wanting sex early on (and women) but the men that I have been seriously involved with have wanted to wait to have sex until I am comfortable which is usually not less than some months into dating and not before we are exclusive, committed and with serious potential for the long term.

 

I have definitely dated more than one guy at a time but the goal was always to find a serious relationship - so the purpose of the dating was not "casual" but i never believed in tying myself down to one guy I barely knew after only a few dates and closing off all other options to meet and potentially date other people too.

 

I'm a little surprised that you're basing your opinion on only one personal experience.

[lady00]

I've found plenty of guys who are willing to wait. The guy I am with now has waited nearly a year and a half.

 

I would qualify this by saying that, in my experience, guys who are not virgins, even really great, patient guys, won't wait for too long. But they will wait more than just a few dates if they are into you, I think. However, not wanting to wait does not mean they are not into you or not looking for a serious relationship. In the case of my bf, he did not want to wait very long (not more than a few weeks), but he did not disappear once it happened or lose interest or anything of the sort. He is not into casual sex at all. If he has sex with a girl, it's because he is progressing toward (or already in) a committed relationship.

[Batya33]

I would qualify this by saying that, in my experience, guys who are not virgins, even really great, patient guys, won't wait for too long. But they will wait if they are into you. Sometimes, though, not wanting to wait does not mean they are not into you. In the case of my bf, he did not want to wait very long (not more than a few weeks), but he did not disappear once it happened or lose interest or anything of the sort.

 

That hasn't been my experience over the last 20 years. In fact, the most pressure I got as a teenager was from a guy who was a virgin.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I would qualify this by saying that, in my experience, guys who are not virgins, even really great, patient guys, won't wait for too long. But they will wait if they are into you. Not wanting to wait does not mean they are not into you. In the case of my bf, he did not want to wait very long (not more than a few weeks), but he did not disappear once it happened or lose interest or anything of the sort. He is not into casual sex at all. If he has sex with a girl, it's because he is progressing toward (or already in) a committed relationship.

 

Yes, I agree. However, I still think it takes a month or two (at least for me).

 

Just giving an example. Mine is also a bit extreme because we have been in an LDR too.

[annie24]

depends - i've had some guys EXTREMELY pressure me, and other guys who, like me, wanted to wait several months until we knew each other better and were ready. so.... just depends on the guy!

 

my take is that the guy who is a good guy will respect the pace you'd like to take....

[lady00]

That hasn't been my experience over the last 20 years. In fact, the most pressure I got as a teenager was from a guy who was a virgin.

 

Not an issue of pressure, in my case (in the current relationship). Although I have felt like that at times with other boyfriends, none of whom were virgins (so you are right in the sense that I have no "control" guy to compare it to and to make a real judgment about virgins vs. non virgins. I just suspect virgins are, on the whole, more willing to wait than non-virgins.). I simply meant that he expressed interest in sleeping with me early on in our relationship. I don't know, maybe our experiences have been different, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing. To each their own. My guy does not pressure me into sex. In fact, quite the opposite.

[Batya33]

Not an issue of pressure, in my case (in the current relationship). Although I have felt like that at times with other boyfriends. I simply meant that he expressed interest in sleeping with me early on in our relationship. I don't know, maybe our experiences have been different, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing. To each their own. My guy does not pressure me into sex. In fact, quite the opposite.

 

I did not mean that your bf pressured you. Many men I have dated would have been comfortable having sex early on. Some would not have. I guess I don't understand what you mean by "expressed interest" - do you mean that you also didn't want to wait either? Because if you did, then expressing interest surely doesn't mean that if you had said you wanted to wait, he would have stopped seeing you, right? You wrote that he "did not want to wait very long" and in the context of this thread, I read into "did not want" to mean that if you "did want" he wouldn't have stuck around for too long.

[cafecomleite]

Two reasons for this:

-A need to find out if there's sexual chemistry early on.

-Getting sex 'out of the way'. Then maybe choosing to hold off on it, taking things slowly.

 

And it's not just American thing.

[lady00]

Because if you did, then expressing interest surely doesn't mean that if you had said you wanted to wait, he would have stopped seeing you, right? You wrote that he "did not want to wait very long" and in the context of this thread, I read into "did not want" to mean that if you "did want" he wouldn't have stuck around for too long.

 

Based on what I have learned about him up until this point, having known him for years, he would not have stopped seeing me. However, it would have made it hard for us to do too much foreplay because he would have ended up feeling frustrated. Right now, he is actually fine not having sex at all. I'm not going to get him all riled up and then frustrate him, though. Not until I figure out my own issues surrounding sex so that we can move past it. So, in this particular case, I highly doubt that not having sex would have driven him away. Otherwise, he would not be with me right now because I still haven't figured out my issues.

 

My initial point was simply that a guy wanting to have sex early on does not mean he views the relationship as casual or he thinks that it can only ever end up being something casual. I thought that the OP was implying there was a connection and I'm saying basically yes, that may be the case sometimes, but in my experience, it's not always (or even often) the case. I have no stats on this, however. I just have my experience and that of friends who have stayed in committed relationships after having sex early on. It's not scientific of course, just saying that I question the connection between early sex and only wanting a casual relationship. I am not saying that early sex means the relationship is serious, just saying that early sex does not mean a guy is only looking for casual relationships. It could mean that, it could also not mean that. I don't see it as a good indicator.

 

Oh, and in the interest of relevance...my boyfriend is not American. So I'm not trying to say "my bf is an example of an American guy who stuck around after sex." Not trying to get into the whole cultural discussion because I really don't know that I know much about US v. foreign guys and how they approach relationships.

[lady00]

Do all US men expect to have sex that early? Because, if yes, how the hell can you know if the person is interested in having a relationship or is just after a one-night stand? I've only been with one US person and it was a total disaster and right now I feel like it will be very difficult for me to trust someone...Ideally, I would like to get to know a person well first.

 

I guess, first thing is, sleeping together on the first meeting, though not necessarily the end, could be emotionally risky if you get emotionally involved when sex happens, even in the absense of other things. I think to a certain extent, it is a gamble. You don't really know for 100% sure if after having sex the person will run off. But you can be smart about it. I think you just have to be very observant and figure out if your relationship goals and values mesh. I feel like most guys I have been with, if I wasn't looking for something serious, I'd let them know. Also, I've never really felt misled by a guy where I thought we were headed for a relationship but he only wanted something casual. Most men I have dated, with the exception of one, were very upfront and clear about what they wanted (whether casual or whether they were on the market for something more) and the one guy who was not upfront, I should have seen the signs (like him not being good about contacting me, him "forgetting" that we had plans for a date etc...yeah, I was pretty naive and it was clear that he didn't want anything but casual hookups...I just was in denial and didn't want to see the obvious).

 

My experience is, if you are very observant and watch what a guy does and says and what he says he is looking for, you can tell pretty early on what he's thinking whether it be a serious relationship or casual hookup. I'm not saying a guy should be saying he wants to marry you, just saying, that there are signs and ways guys show interest in eventually having something more serious.

[COtuner]

I think it depends a lot on age. Today's young guys seem to be all about sex, even more so than when I was growing up. Maybe because so many more young girls are the same way now (you were still deemed a s*** in my high school if you were sleeping with guys before senior year)

 

I think older guys are more flexible about the pace. Either way, any guy who insists on sex before you're ready is someone to walk away from. I've waited a month in one relationship, a little longer in one relationship, and the guy I'm with now it took 2 years before we both were ready to commit at that level. So it depends on the individual.

[coldplay.]

wow i feel weird, most* makes moves on me or vice verse rather early but 90% of the time a relationship ensues so i guess its not the typical 'casual'

 

so before you say 'guys' do so, know that women are the same wayyyyy

[Batya33]

I don't think wanting anything means anything about casual or serious intentions. But how a man expresses how he wants sex (or a woman) might be an indication, because it shows what he prioritizes early on. There is wanting, there is expressing that want, there is pressure - there's a whole range. The men who pressured me early on most often were not interested in a serious relationship with me. I think that's fairly typical.

 

As far as foreplay - I had no issues with the feelings of frustration on either end - as long as I was honest about my boundaries, the man in question could decide to have foreplay or not - no one died from feeling frustrated or having to exercise restraint in favor of long term benefits or not having sex before the relationship was ready for that. And I think there are plenty of ways to satisfy each other without intercourse.

 

I waited until I was 24 and before that time I had foreplay, I had a fiancee, I had serious boyfriends - and it was never a real issue -my "first" waited over a year before we had intercourse - was he happy about it - no, especially after a year's time - but he didn't leave. I am not judging your bf or the way you handled things at all, just commenting that my experiences were different.

[D_Lish]

I think that if a woman is willing to jump into bed with a guy first meeting, she is talking a gamble as Lady says. She should expect absolutely NOTHING from the guy.....and he is not obligated to give her anything and because she put out.

I think a lot of women will sleep with men early on and with expectations/hope it's going to lead to more and when it doesn't, the man was a 'user' or 'player'....

 

You can often tell the guys who are looking for 'casual sex' and the ones who are interested in more. But some men are real clever and have decieved women and led them into thinking they want more, to get sex, hung around, promised this and that and then after sex...whooosh gone!

 

Don't think wanting 'casual sex' applies to USA guys, guys are the same all over the world.

[D_Lish]

The men who pressured me early on most often were not interested in a serious relationship with me. I think that's fairly typical.

 

 

Exact same for me.

 

It was the guys who didn't seem interested in the sex, that hung around and who I went on to have long term relationships with, my ex H being one of them...

 

He had been in no rush to get me into bed whatsoever.

 

Whereas I have encountered guys who tried it the first meeting.....needless to say, they disappeared when they didn't get it!

[lady00]

But some men are real clever and have decieved women and led them into thinking they want more, to get sex, hung around, promised this and that and then after sex...whooosh gone!

 

My guess is guys like that tend to lay it on pretty thick from day one. Those are the ones to stay away from. If it seems too good to be true and it seems like an insta-relationship from day one, then I think that's a sign that something is up. I think most guys are open and up front about what they want, while still being realistic and making no promises that things will work out. The ones who play games and say they want one thing when they really want another...I feel pretty bad for them because they are putting so much effort into tricking someone when really if they were just honest and upfront, I am sure they could find women who were attractive who wanted to sleep with them. After all, not all women are always looking for serious relationships. There are probably just as many women looking for casual hookups as there are men. It's sad to me that some people think they have to trick someone or mislead them in order to get sex.

[Batya33]

Exact same for me.

 

It was the guys who didn't seem interested in the sex, that hung around and who I went on to have long term relationships with, my ex H being one of them...

 

He had been in no rush to get me into bed whatsoever.

 

Whereas I have encountered guys who tried it the first meeting.....needless to say, they disappeared when they didn't get it!

 

Yes, I should add that in my (collective) experience a man who brings up wanting sex from a woman in the first few dates (meaning where the woman did not bring it up) probably is not looking for a serious relationship, with exceptions of course.

[Sir Tristan CA]

Laughing my @$$ off!

 

I'm a Brit, or at least I was raised as one (I was born in England and raised in America by my British parents), so I totally understand the confusion about relationships here in America. I was raised to believe that any relationship between two people was something serious between them. I don't like or understand the casual dating thing. Girls like it too, for some reason.

 

For one, it makes me insanely jealous because sometimes they'll be casually dating me and ALSO casually dating someone else.

[D_Lish]

Yeah I ditto all this. I find it sad that guys have to 'act' to get sex too....

 

In my experience, I have never been tricked by a guy in this way and I very much guessed by their behaviour what they may be after. The guy who would try it on first meeting, I knew to be just after sex....he usually vanished. The guy interested in taking my number, taking me out for a drink or a meal, was interested in getting to know ME and he stuck around.

[D_Lish]

Laughing my @$$ off!

 

I'm a Brit, or at least I was raised as one (I was born in England and raised in America by my British parents), so I totally understand the confusion about relationships here in America. I was raised to believe that any relationship between two people was something serious between them. I don't like or understand the casual dating thing. Girls like it too, for some reason.

 

For one, it makes me insanely jealous because sometimes they'll be casually dating me and ALSO casually dating someone else.

 

Well yeah, because that is how it is Britain....all of our relationships begin as serious....for the majority anyway. I mean, you get those looking for 'casual' sex, but if we see each other more than once, well we assume it's 'exclusive'

 

And if they are seeing others, then they are cheating...lol

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well yeah, because that is how it is Britain....all of our relationships begin as serious....for the majority anyway. I mean, you get those looking for 'casual' sex, but if we see each other more than once, well we assume it's 'exclusive'

 

And if they are seeing others, then they are cheating...lol

 

I've actually heard from a Brit that the bar scene is super casual. Is that only true for london?

[D_Lish]

I've actually heard from a Brit that the bar scene is super casual. Is that only true for london?

 

No, it's all over the UK. I could go out on the town tonight and undoubtedly be approached by some guy just looking for a 'good time'. But then I may also be approached by a guy who is attracted, who wants and takes my number, who mentions taking me out sometime and who seems to have a real interest.

 

I met my ex H on a night out....so exclusive relationships can arise from the bar scene also. It's not solely restricted to those looking for a 'good time' or a 'one night stand'. But people looking for no strings fun, easy sex are to be found there and because people are more likely to put out, if they are full of alcohol. lol