mixed signals-should i walk away?

[Anon333]

okay...i have been writing posts, but have only gotten maybe one response. so maybe i am too long winded in my posts. I started hanging out with this guy that admitted he had a big crush on me and wanted to get to know me....I admitted to feeling the same way and we both kissed and have hung out a few times. We have gone to the movies and we held hands, we hug and kiss eachother and it feels pretty natural and good.....but it is still at such ealry stages. I had been hanging out with his friend for a little while before I met him, so we both have agreed to keep things on the downlow...

 

He has always seemed sparse about texting me or making plans with me or even telling me really what he wants or how he feels...but i guess i have been like that too..Only I am more anxious to hear from him and hang out with him...which to me is a huge red flag......The other day he told me how he just got out of a serious relationship, about two months ago...He lived with her and her stuff was still in his apartment....He told me how his ex was coming over to get her stuff, then he told me the next day how she stayed over on the couch and he seemed really bummed out....He asked if I wanted to hang out and I got nervous and said it seemed like he had too much going on in his head...maybe it wasnt a good idea to hang out....That I would talk to him the next day....

 

So today is the next day...I texted him in the afternoon to see how his evening was...he said it was weird.....I texted him back to call me if he wanted to when he gets out of work...I havent heard from him since....he just got out of work though...If he doesnt call me today, it will be obvious he is in the wrong place for me and not over his ex and not into me...right? If he does call me, I still feel I should say something..I dont want to get hurt, and I want to feel wanted and persued, not like a burden for texting him or asking him to call...If he really liked me wouldnt it be obvious to me? he acts it when im with him...but he is just not very good at keeping contact......any suggestions or input?

[Cirquel]

Hmmm... I think you need to wait for when he does call you, and lets you know what was up. "Weird" doesn't necessarily imply that he wants his ex back in any way, shape or form! Keep taking it easy... I'm sure he just wants to make certain that he isn't going to make this next relationship something just to "fall back on".

[Anon333]

thanks...but i think the fact that I feel like the ball is in his court and he is not calling or texting me is making me so anxious I just want to break it off...it gives me anxiety and makes me depressed...makes me remember past relationships that made me feel unwanted..is this me being too needy,...im trying to be easy going about it all..but i just feel lilke if he likes me he should make it more obvious....most guys who like me, really like me and want to talk and hang out..this is new to me....he was clearly bummed out about his ex girlfriend.......and when i told him he seemed like he had alot on his plate to deal with me, he kinda went quiet...he still hasnt called me tonight...if he really liked me, he would have called and wanted to hang out....

[Anon333]

well shouldnt he at least have the balls to call me and say he isnt ready to hang out....he's not giving me much but being distant...and now he has been out of work for an hour and has not called me..he is probably with his ex girlfriend..its so stupid...i need to just get over him fast...i hate this so much...im so much better off without relationships....even these small ones...they stress me out!

[yokohama_mama]

Yes, this is you being too needy. You've already communicated with him by text today and got a response. Considering breaking it off if he doesn't call you tonight is overly dramatic. Maybe if you didn't hear from him for a week or so. It's just early days for you two, so don't rush it, or you'll risk smothering a relationship before it can grow.

[yokohama_mama]

Find some way to distract yourself tonight. Call friend, go out somewhere, work on a project, something.

[Anon333]

thanks everyone...im just used to clearcut signals as to whether someone is into me or not.....I dont like being the one on the end waiting....If Im hanging out with a guy..Id like to think they are anxious and excited to talk and hear from me...I dont mean every second of the day.....hmmm...I havent dated in awhile..so maybe I am getting ahead of myself....He may not really be thinking much about me and more about his ex girlfriend...which hurts, but I understand he cant help that...The real situation is, that I need him to be clear to me and tell me this..in which case would you say I walk away for good?

[Anon333]

yokahoma momma...I think thats the problem...Ive been sitting around all day thinking about the situation..I wish I was more busy....I moved out here early this year, and just started making friends..one of the friends I made is with this guy Im stressing about's friend...So I cant hang out with him....Those are pretty much my friends...and one girl from work...

[Anon333]

Sorry for keep posting...but here is the real problem...From my own personal experience dating someone, if Im not responding to them and acting the way this guy is acting, Im not really into it and Im just trying to find the right way to let him down...dont you think?

[Anon333]

update to anyone who is interested..he just called me and seems totally interested still...funny how easily I freaked out...it scares me...

[AymeeC]

Like you, I want clear cut signals. Responses, plans set in stone, etc.

 

I mean, if we both are into each other then why can't we go for it? lol.

 

BUT not everyone operates the same way we do. Hellooooo we are chicks after all!!!

 

Like a fellow poster already mentioned...he did already make contact with you today. And if he does still have a bit of an open wound from his ex, then he may be a bit gun shy.

 

Right now I'm going through a relatively similar thing. He cut things off for a few weeks and then came back with the stipulation we both do a better job of COMMUNICATING. Which we are doing. He is relationship gun shy and I have to actively remind myself that his world doesn't revolve around when I will send the next text message.

 

Men are very different creatures. I work at not being clingy/needy because I know most men get freaked out by that. So, set realistic expectations of how much contact you should be having at this stage. If he does make solid plans with you and flakes, says he'll call and doesn't, etc. then I would consider ditching him. But if it's just that you expect x,y, and z and he's floating around in "I like you, but we aren't committed" land then step back and breath.

[Anon333]

thanks so much for that thoughtful honest response aymee...are men really that different then women when it comes to how they act if they like someone? If a guy doesnt text you or call you as often as you want does it mean he doesnt like you as much as you do? I guess I need to just step back for my own sake....he did eventually call me, and when I sounded ify about hanging out, he said "we dont have to hang out"..and I said it seemed like he was acting like he wasnt sure about it....to which he replied he definitely wants to hang out......maybe he just has alot going on in his life...I guess we both have to try not to get wrapped up in the why hasnr he responded! If that is just the way he is, it could drive me crazy if we ended up really dating.....sounds like I would go kinda nuts in your situation, not hearing from the guy for a week..id be pissed, but have to act all normal and laid back when he called..haha

[AymeeC]

Yes, they really can be that different. Women do what I call "projecting". This is where we locate a potential partner and start to think about how they would fit into our lives. We think about vacations, events, holidays, marriage, kids, etc. The "happily ever after" and if that person would fit into our happily ever after.

 

If I'm into a guy I want to talk to him daily, email, text, bake goodies for him, see him as much as possible, etc. And then reality smacks me in the face. In man world this is called being needy. By me showing my enthusiasm for this new found happiness it translates into "yo, that chick is crazy needy...stay away".

 

I'm also an Aries and want things done NOW...and my way damn it! Being patient is not a strength of mine. I also have Verizon and so does my man of interest...which fuels the obsession because I can see when he reads my text messages.

 

As you just learned, if he's interested and you ASK they tend to clarify. Granted that's if you are dealing with a normal one. If you get sucked in by a player then that's a whole different subject. But this one sounds pretty normal and not like rico suave.

 

Communication is very important. How we interpret things (and over analyze them a bit) can be completely different than how the man does. I tend to make him a priority, even when he doesn't necessarily deserve that top spot.

 

The phrase I like to use is "I want someone to be my entree, not my side dish".

 

And when you start to freak out bring yourself back to reality. Think about how life can get hectic and texting gets shoved down on the list of priorities. People have work, school, hobbies, family, friends, errands, sleep, etc. to do all in a day on top of finding time for their person of interest.

 

 

 

I would have written more, but I have to get to bed so I can function at work tomorrow.

 

[cruzer]

Is it any different in the stage of the relationship?

 

I have only been on a few dates with this girl and when i text her she will text back a few times but then she just stops. Maybe she got busy or does not like to talk so much through texts?

 

And as for plans and the next date, i ask her if she can do something the next few days we are off of work and she says no then asks are you mad? that makes me think she is interested but maybe busy? she never tells me what is going on, if she is busy, scared, not interested. Im afraid if i ask her she will think i am trying to rush things, or push her.