Unhappy Clown

[forumjunkie]

[Long time reader, first time poster]

 

For the past two years I have had severe depression spanning from something that happened to me. I got a call from a friend of my ex saying that she was pregnant. She had an abortion. I then spent a year at university hiding, not answering my phone, waking at night and going to bed in the morning. unfortunately, dispite my impressive ostrich impression it all came tumbling down when I was forced to confrount the univeristy to explain why I had missed my exams. I went to see a doctor

who put me on some tablets, then went off to find somewhere else to study.

 

The strange thing is I'm naturally funny, and people are automatically drawn to my bubbly personality, and for that reason I have many friends, and even more who know me by name (I cant walk anywhere without someone coming over to talk to me). However, I am still sad inside, dispite taking tablets and talking to a counceller. when I'm on my own I listen to sad music and cry. When I'm talking to my friends I'm still unhappy.

 

I have a job that pays well, a lovely girlfriend, great friends who I trust,

great parents and sister who loves me to pieces. However, I always carry a guilt that a child was killed (before then I was neither pro choice nor anti, but there has been a steadily growing concern in my head that I was to blame for the death of this "child" - which I cant explain to myself let alone to you)

 

Why do I have this guilt?, seeing that I am a man (it was her decision), we always used contraception, and we had broken up. Why do I feel empty inside?

 

Thanks for any comments.

[rich_1517]

I have to assume you were the other half of that? I have been there, i thought abortion was an ok form of keeping a relationship from having entanglements. I realised as i sat through one that i felt something leave the room as it happened. I knew then i could never accept it again as an alternative.

 

But for you, you didnt know or did you? either way it was her call, there is no shame here. If it is your moral or religious beliefs then seek absolution in some fashion. If its tied to the girl, talk to her about it (if you are on good terms), or barring that see a therapist first. I AM NOT ONE but i see you are suffering from something deeper than what is on the surface, get help, you seem like a great guy and are punishing yourself horribly for something that was beyond your control in the first place especially if you were being careful about her getting pregnant.

 

Becuase of the level of greif you are describing get to a therapist and begin the process of healing, there is no shame that i can see.

 

You take care