he was abusive, i exsposed him. am i just as evil now?

[seren]

Ive just come out of the longest going on fall out with my ex boyfriend.

To cut a very long story short we went through alot, after we broke up I went overseas for 3 mnths, we remained very close friends though things were different, he was distant and abusive, it was like he was gettin revenge for me leaving, I started seeing another light on him and found out many lies he had told me.

 

Even though I broke up with him because I wasnt sure and there were thinsg about him that didnt always add up AND i knew he had anger issues , I was still always there for him, giving benefit of doubt, I foudn out he lied to me while i was abroad to steal money off me, he had hit me, i knew he had anger issues but i guess i wanted to be blind to them, i wanted ot help him ( pathetic i know) , anyways when i found out all the lies he had told me about him and his past and after he he hit me for 2nd time and went totaly psycho for the last time i walked away, he was my best friend, he was a huge part of my life. Everyone kept tellin me how they always warned me about him and how they had bad feeling about him and how i was so lucky to get out of it without it gettin worse etc, but i was so devestated to just have lost my best friend, the perosn i thougth i knew wasnt him at all, it was all lies. I mean there were times where he was the most beautiful person and i knwo he just has issues form his past, but he really hurt me. I know now he can be very deciving, he cooks for you and treats you liek queen, but he also lies and now i knwo has ability to hit you.

 

when i found out all the thinsg he lied to me about, he would abuse me over the phone and spread lies about me to all of our friends to cover himself, they all believed him, hes VERY GOOD LIAR!

because he told everyen lies and he was hookin up with a girl i was friends with i warned her about him, i told her what he had done, i was also clearing my name and tellin the truth, i told her what he had done etc, and i told my friends he lied to, that he was lying and what really happened......my question is now am i bad person now?

is what i did by tellin ppl and warning them really bad?

I was just so hurt and scared and so so so mad and hated that i didnt feel safe to walk down the rd or see people and them think i was a pshyco liar.

 

Now ive just began to think maybe me tellin people the truth about him, telling them what hes really like etc make sme a bad person, maybe im just as evil as him now, am i? I told the girl he started seieng and she was only just getting to knwo him, she would never have found these htinsg out if it wasnt for me, so is that really bad of me or did i do right thing?? im so confused. I feel like i should have told her, warned her, but i shouldnt of kept telling her, or others, and that it nwo makes me a just as bad person.

I may have told her more then she wnated to knwo but i was so frustrated knwoing how much it hurts and how scary it is and what a good liar he is and she was given the chance i never was to knwo the truth and save herself all that ive now gone thru and i was ambarrassed ppl believed his stories and wanted to clear my name and i was mad at him and i didnt wnat the same to happen to others.

He said he was sorry to me like a mnth later after it all happened, after he had abused me for 4 weeks, after he knew people were now learning the truth, but then he would go and tell people i was a liar straight after apologising to me, so i knew his apologies werent so sincere, but in a way i knew they were, he was just scared for people to knwo truth. I know he regretted in a way what he did to me, and i knwo he was sorry but he was sayin that to me and then still lying and abusin me here and there.

I shouldnt of cared what people htought but i did.

And ill admit i wanted to exspose him, i was so mad.

I found out that he had lied to the girl he was startin to see and her mother, about his job and home, he had none and he was being evicted, and her friends were worried so i spoke with her, he got so angry and said what a bitch i was and abused the hell out of me again, i know i should have stayed out of it that time.

Even though i wnat him out of my life , i do still care in a way and hes hurt me so badly.

But im now lookin at myself and wondering is what i did terribly wrong?

i wnat to knwo for my sake, cos i dont want to be a bad perosn and i wnat to learn fomr my mistakes.

how bad is what i did?

[whatuk]

Not at all you did the right thing by exposing him. Whatever the circumstances there is no excuse for abusing someone.

[kuhl282000]

Hey Girl

 

I know what your going through I just got out of one myself. I'm going to give you some insight and I hope it helps. This stuff is very complicated and can really mess with your mind. But deep down you know the real truth and you will be stronger than the bully and overcome this in time. Two people I have great respect for on this site is Morrigan and Avman, they have helped me a great deal. Click around some of the post on other subjects and you will see them. Ask them to read your post if they have not already, and click on PM for private message and talk to them in private. Avman sent me some great stuff, and Morrigan gave me the best insight I would have never put her knowledge together in a million years. The other thing is I want you to go to bellaomline and really click around. It is not what I call a user friendly site. But the info stuff on it will make you heal. A guy named Sam Vaknin has great insight to a subject called NARCISSISM, but you have to click around he is trying to sell his books. So by pass the book stuff and keep reading and clicking and you will see what I mean. I found everything I needed to put my stuff to rest. NARCISSISM is a very complicated personality disorder. You will find your boyfriend in every article.This abuse stuff is pretty scary. Keep me posted, I care I just went through a deep dark journey of the same thing. And the answers will get you over it. You can PM me anytime. Be strong ! 8)

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

I have just posted about my abusive relationship (take a look) and I did the same thing to his new girl...I tried to expose him to her and all his friends...(because he always bad-mouthed me and always wanted to appear whiter then white). Maybe you have been involved with a Narcissist. check out Narcissist personality disorder on the web and see if your boyfriend sounds like that. Major traits are LYING, ABUSE, WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, THINGS NOT ADDING UP (red flags) emotional depence by the victim of abuse etc.

 

I believe that anger and resentment will find a way out...it has to to enable recovery. However, how you choose to deal with it is another matter. I chose vengeance, and now I have probs destroyed any chance of ever speaking to my boyfriend again. Please don't feel too embarrissed to go out the house though. I felt like this too as my ex and his friends only live 10 mins away form me. I doubt that the new girl will listen to you anyway. but at least you did your best in warning her. The thing about abusive relationships is that they start out perfect or so it seems, but it is just an illusion, a mask that person wants to show. Early on you can see RED FLAGS but you choose to ignore them or think that the person will change...well, I wish I'd have noticed the red flags that popped up, but I didn't and niether will my ex's new girl and niether will your ex's new girl. Sad but true.

[amoot]

I wish someone had told me. I think you did the right thing and at least other people have been warned. I tried contacting one of his ex's when I was in dire need and she never replied. hrm.

[leda]

You are totally in the right here. I'm so to here what happened to you and I'm sending you hugs. I went through a similar situation on New Year's. I reported my ex to the police for brutally attacking me (punching me four times and leaving me with a purple eye, broken lips, swollen face, etc.). That was the first time I'd ever seen that side of him. Up until then he'd been so much fun to be with and so good to me. I didn't stay with him after that and we haven't spoken since then, but I don't feel the least bit bad about exposing him for who he is. Like your ex, he claimed he didn't do it and spread lies about me.

 

It doesn't make sense to feel bad about exposing someone and potentially helping a future victim when he doesn't care about you. I know "sense" doesn't mean anything in matters of the heart and you might miss him and still care about him, but you have to force yourself to look at the situation through someone else's eyes. Every time you feel bad for exposing him, think about how badly he hurt you. Exposing him is not revenge as many may think--it's bringing a really bad thing to the light and warning others about it. I tried to do the same with my ex. Even though he was found "not guilty" in a court of law and continues to deny what he did and invent lies about me, he is still guilty and he knows that in his heart. And I will not stop exposing him. I even went so far as to put photos of my damaged face on a website we're both on (couchsurfing) with a link to his page. It was a way to warn other couchsurfers that he's potentially dangerous. The moderators ended up removing him from the site. I don't feel bad about that at all; I feel relief that certain vulnerable females may avoid meeting him and his monster side.

[leda]

P.S. I know how hard this situation is and how wearing it is on the ears of those around us. Feel free to PM me any time okay? I'd love to chat about this ugly situation we've both been involved in...abuse.