Anon333 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Quick summary of me....I moved to a new town accross country earlier this year and havent met anyone. I have been happy not being in a relationship after many gone bad, but I missed my friends and wanted to meet new people. Recently I started a new job and developed a little crush on one of the guys...I think he felt the same way about me, because he asked me out.....I like him and could see myself dating him and getting to know him and possibly it becoming seriousIve gone out with him a couple times and we have kissed. Last night I slept next to him in his bed, but he was a complete gentleman and told me I was welcome to stay over and he wouldnt pull any moves, which he didnt...Here is the tricky part...my question The second night we went out, we were at a bar and his Ex girlfriend happened to be there. He told me it made him a little awkward cause the break up (4 months ago) was bad....He told me she was up front, but that was also the night he told me he really liked me...So He suddenly said he was going to go up front in the bar, and for some reason I stayed in the back, thinking things werent resolved with his girlfriend and he and her were talking or something. Within that time I hung out with one of his friends who I ended up having an unbelievable connection with and was completely smitten with him, Im pretty sure the feeling was mutual. I was starting to get happy that the other guy left me to talk to his ex, cause I liked his friend so much better....We came close to exchanging numbers and thinking of hanging out again, when the guy I came with came back...I found out he totally was just up front cause the girlfriend had come in the back.. I felt guilty for flirting with his friend. But I liked him so much more than Ive liked anyone in awhile... Well, I have tried to push his friend aside in my head. I know where he works, and Im sure Ill run into him if I am hanging out with this guy that I still really like but not nearly as much as his friend.....Im not sure what to do or if there is any human chance with his friend. If I cant be with his friend, I'd like to keep getting to know this guy, but if there is a chance I could hang out with his friend, I would probably try to break things off with this new guy... Has anyone been in this situation? Am I walking a dangerous line of hurting people and friendships and losing the only couple people I have met since Ive moved here.....? Please any advice...I cant get his friend out of my head and I wish I could! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Break it off with the guy you are with now, its not fair to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaoticbaby Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 that's kind of how i met my ex. i knew his friend first, and he asked me on a double date. me and him, with one of my friends and one of his friends. well i ended up liking his friend more. i ended up getting his friend (my ex's) screen name "for my friend," and talked to him a little bit on there. turned out he felt the same way. he volunteered to ask his friend if he was okay with him dating me instead. so it worked out! ,...for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 It's tricky, but it is possible. I know of dating situations that have started out like this. I think you should definitely break things off, though, and then figure out what you want to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Ya #1 rule you don't date your friends ex's. So right now you guys just know each other and are "dating" so best do it sooner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 hmmm...I see from everyone's response that I should break it off, this guy already really really likes me and I think I have been sending similar signals I feel the same...If it werent for his friend, I think I'd just still tell him I want to take things slow, but because I have this crush on his friend, it sounds like I should just break it off? But I dont even know if there is a chance with me and his friend...And I think even at this point, the person I've just been hanging out with would be really hurt by me and his friend..Plus I work with him! I dont know how to get hold of his friend to see if he feels the same way at all...For all I know he could just want to sleep with me and not have any onterest to date...But there were definitely sparks there, something that arent really there with this guy...But could possibly develope....Its a hard situation and I appreciate everyone's advice....If I break it off with this guy..What should I say to the guy I have gone on a couple dates with? That I just want to be friends? Ugh...It sucks because I was meeting some cool people through him for once since Ive moved out here in January..back to lonely nights at home? How do I go about all this? Okay...one more tidbit..THe next day, his friend who I like came into our work..He totally talked to my friend and this other girl but didnt even say hello to me...I kinda tried to just give up and say he doesnt like me and forget about it...But I really think he felt that same connection and I want to find out...WOuld he have ignored me on purpose or even came into the store on purpose? ugh..its gotten complicated.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 You can't use him, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't just stay with him to make friends, or stay with him to see what happens first with the other guy. Doesn't work that way. Maybe he wanted to try to fight off any feelings so he avoids you because he knows your off limits. How do you know if he doesn't have a gf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 redhearts, I understand that I cant use him...But there is a period when you are first dating someone when it is also a friendship that you dont want to lose, so it is even more important to me since I have not made any good friends here....It is actually HUGE in my life that for the first time I am making new friends like this...But I know I cant date him in order to meet people...The last thing I want to do is cause drama and chaos... Okay...So the guy I like..How do I know he doesnt have a girlfriend....? I dont know for sure but Im pretty sure he doesnt..Saw him out twice with no girl with him, and the way he was talking to me made it seem like he really liked me and wanted to hang out more....But it never happened cause I walked off with his friend....We both pretty much said to eachother we were really happy to have met eachother...We were both super puppydog eyes, and it felt so good talking to him..I never felt that way..I dont know how he felt..Maybe he is one of those people that are good at manipulating others feelins...I try to be cautious....This whole situation really sucks...How do I break up with this guy Im not really dating? maybe I should break up with him and give some space and time to see if I ever run into his friend again..and if we do, and nothing happens, or I never end up seeing him, I should try hanging out with the guy Im with now, again...Or is that still using someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_win Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I think what you're proposing to do is very selfish, dishonest, and unfair. The reason why it is considered using is because this current guy is hanging out with you with intentions of it becoming more...I doubt he thinks you two are hanging out for a friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win....I'm sorry you feel that way...I like to think of myself as an honest person that thinks of others before myself..In fact, if you knew me, you'd see that I am like this, and one of the reasons I want to continue the relationship is because I totally would dread hurting his feelings and losing his friendship...But I know sometimes the things that are hardest to do are for the best...I dont know..I get along really well with this guy too...I wish it could be just for friends, but obviously it is more than that...The reason I'm even posting here though, is because There have been very few times in my whole life that I have gotten such a huge crush and felt such a huge connection with someone as I did with his friend....I'd appreciate advice on what you would do if you were in my situation instead of making me feel worse by calling me selfish and dishonest, because those things I am not! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Another thing...I have had plenty of advice in the past that lightly dating new people and meeting new people is a good way to be social and get to know more people..So in a way, I am not "using" someone to meet friends..But that is often a positive thing that comes with the territory.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_win Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win....I'm sorry you feel that way...I like to think of myself as an honest person that thinks of others before myself..In fact, if you knew me, you'd see that I am like this, and one of the reasons I want to continue the relationship is because I totally would dread hurting his feelings and losing his friendship. Hey, I'm sorry if my post hurt your feelings. That was definitely not my intention and I have no doubt that you are a good person. I didn't mean to rub in any guilt. The reason I posted what I did is sometimes people get so wrapped up in the crush or their emotions that they don't even realize that what they are doing might really harm another person. So I just wanted to state it bluntly. Sorry. And you say you're an honest person and I believe you, but your statement above is being dishonest with him because you are continuing the relationship because you don't want or hurt him or lose his friendship. I know you are thinking of him, but that is being dishonest to him and it will only hurt him harder the longer this continues. I think part of you fears having that talk and potentially losing him as a friend which is why I also said it was selfish. So that's where I was coming from in my previous post. And you asked what I would do in this situation? It's a hard conversation, and I fear that no matter what...getting to his friend is going to be nearly impossible. I would tell him that you think he's a great person and really enjoy his company but don't really view him as anything more than a good friend. He'll either accept that and then keep including you in the social functions and you might end up getting to know his friend better and maybe something will start from there. Or he'll blow you off and find someone that he has that special connection with and you can do the same. It seems like that last option is more fair. Using him though to get to his friend is just going to create bad blood between their friendship or if he is a loyal friend will completely deny you and stick to his friend. My friends and I have a secret code and no one dates a girl that has dated our friend. This keeps the friendships between us a lot stronger and doesn't allow an outsider to infect our bond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win..Thank you for your response and I dont mean to be so defensive, but the reason Im even writing here is so I can hear the opinions from others that may have experienced this....I know of many people who started off a relationship by meeting through who they were currently dating.....Meeting someone who you really connect with is super rare for me, so maybe there is a selfish side to me that wants to be with the right person for me. I want to be with someone I have sparks with and who I connect with. I have NEVER had this. All my relationships have ended up being similar to the direction I'm going. It is a hot and cold feeling where I cant straight out say I have no feelings for this person, part of the coldness might be myself protecting my heart..I dont know...All I know is that I never have had love, and I have just started to learn to push myself out of my shell not to be shy and meet people, so meeting this person I cant get out of my head is heard for me to turn away...... As for your code with your friends, I think that is a great idea and I would do the same with my friends...But I am not in a relationship with guy...Obviously we like eachother more than friends and are just getting to know eachother, but we have hung out a total of 3 times...Does that consistitute in your boke as off limits..and if the girl and your friend really liked eachother before you invested your heart in a real relationship with her, wouldnt you want them to be happy? I dunno ...I guess Im confused and I appreciate your advice... Maybe I should go to the work the friend is, just to say hello to the friend, that way I can gauge right away if there really is something there or I just imagined it....? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I met my current bf through an ex. They are friends (years ago my ex dumped me, is now married, and couldn't care less that I am dating his friend). I think the problem here is you are dating someone that you are not really that into and someone else is peaking your interest. I think it's still fairly early on and you should definitely leave the current situation. Even if you don't end up with the other guy, if you're not that into the current guy then you should just go ahead and end it. Then if the other guy wants to get together and you still feel the same, you can work that out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_win Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Maybe I should go to the work the friend is, just to say hello to the friend, that way I can gauge right away if there really is something there or I just imagined it....? I actually think this might be a good idea. Regardless of the outcome though, I think you'll have to face the music with the current guy one way or the other. It will either be...I really like you but view you more as a friend and felt some chemistry with your friend OR Hey I felt some chemistry with your friend and he didn't reciprocate but he also showed me that what we have isn't quite what we need to take this friendship into the relationship realm. Either conversation is difficult, but necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win..thanks...thats actually good advice, and after thinking about it, I will probably do that...but do I really need to bring up feeling things for his friend..his friend may have no idea....plus, like I said, it was strange when his friend came into the store and didnt even say hello...I dont know..it might all be a one sided infatuation, and I wouldnt want his friend to get weirded out and pissed at me for pulling him into it...I dunno...Should I just say I feel things going toward the friend zone more..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I agree with I_win all the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 this is so hard, because in reality....everything between me and this guy seems to be going great...and if it werent for his friend..I wouldnt have even questioned ending it this short..I would want to get to know him more and see where it goes...but because of his friend, who may not even like me like that, I have to break it off...Is this right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_win Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 this is so hard, because in reality....everything between me and this guy seems to be going great...and if it werent for his friend..I wouldnt have even questioned ending it this short..I would want to get to know him more and see where it goes...but because of his friend, who may not even like me like that, I have to break it off...Is this right? Yes, but again...if it wasn't for his him, you would never have even met his friend...and never had the crush. You, once again are being very narrow minded. But I think regardless of anything...you've realized that the guy you're with doesn't add up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win....How am I being narrow minded? Am I not looking at the big picture? Are you basically saying I could meet other people I get crushes on and shouldnt date someone I dont feel that way about...I did have a crucsh on him when we first met...Maybe its just all in my head and I want what I cant have...But I know I dont want to have a relationship that I dont see panning out into something more..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_win Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I win....How am I being narrow minded? Am I not looking at the big picture? Are you basically saying I could meet other people I get crushes on and shouldnt date someone I dont feel that way about...I did have a crucsh on him when we first met...Maybe its just all in my head and I want what I cant have...But I know I dont want to have a relationship that I dont see panning out into something more..... What I meant by narrow minded was perhaps the wrong terminology. I don't think you're being narrow minded but I just think it would be nice to take the current guy's feelings into account and try to figure out the best way to confront him and be honest with him...instead of focusing so much on how to get this other guy. Yeah, it would be great if you could somehow get to him...but I think priority number 1 is not hurting this guys feelings and getting out of this current situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 What I meant by narrow minded was perhaps the wrong terminology. I don't think you're being narrow minded but I just think it would be nice to take the current guy's feelings into account and try to figure out the best way to confront him and be honest with him...instead of focusing so much on how to get this other guy. Yeah, it would be great if you could somehow get to him...but I think priority number 1 is not hurting this guys feelings and getting out of this current situation. I agree. I mean, you want to get out of it (and in a kind way) regardless of what (if anything) may happen between you and the friend, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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