Nine months later.... still miserable. help.

[babysunshine]

The title says it all. Boyfriend of four years broke up with me back in February and I'm still a mess. Granted the fact I have been talking to him pretty much this entire time (longest NC was 40 days) hasn't helped. We have been doing the whole "friends" thing, including him telling me about the people he is dating (which is A LOT) and me telling him about the few I have dated. It's insane actually.

He continues to tell me we WILL never get back together. That I am amazing, beautiful, sassy, everything he wants in a partner but that he just fell out of love with me. My issue with this is that I dated him from when I was 18 -23. I was young and this was my first relationship and I made a lot of mistakes that ultimately led to the demise of the relationship. I know I sound like a little spoiled child but why can't he just see that just because we went in different directions and grew apart because we were young the fact remains that we were best friends, great lovers, our families loved each other, and overall had an amazing relationship. Just because it didnt work out now doesnt mean he has to rule out us EVER getting back together. When I mention that he says he is a hundred percent sure we never will. It makes me feel so bad about myself because to me it's like, I must not be all these amazing things because if I were, he surely wouldnt completely rule out ever being with me in the future. I know everyone will say NC NC NC NC! but trust me I have tried everything even telling my friends to look at my phone bill and for every time I texted or called him I would give them 10 dollars.

I tell him at least once every two months that If he doesn't see us ever being together (even in the far future) I cannot be his friend. He then tells me he understands and respects my wishes, but give it two weeks and Im back to callinghim and texting him. The truth is he broke up with me but has never experienced me truly not being in his life because I am always there.

 

Please someone give me advice and help and reassurance. I know that I will love again and there are a million fish in the sea but I also know that a relationship with the full package like I had is very hard to come by. I love him, I miss him, I would still do anything for him. It's been nine motnhs and although things have gotten better I still feel like I lost the love of my life.

[MinziGirl]

What do you want for yourself in the first place? Do you want to hang into the past or move on in the future?

 

There are so much going on in your life: Your job/studies, your friends, your goals... and i am sure you are meeting new people all the time. It sounds like you have got some very good friends by your side who are helping you big time to get started again.

 

If a guy says he will NOT get back to you anymore, he will not. If he wants to next time, you can then decide. If i were you, i will not go back to him because it was he who has disrespected you. In his head he thinks that you are desperate as desperato to want him back. He knows he is not treating you well so why settle for someone who treats you like this?

 

Find your own life again. Do your own things... Sooner or later, someone who deserves your respect, time & love will enter into your life.

 

Life doesn't just give only 1 chance. You will get yours again. This i am sure ;-)

[babysunshine]

Thanks Minzi. Of course I dont want to live in the past. But the fact remains that I truly believe I need another chance with him. I don't know which hurts more, to continue talking to him and having to heaar about his life without me, or to not talk to him and have that empty void in my heart and soul.

[emalkoc]

I understand how you feel. This is your first long relationship and he broke your heart.

 

But you are so so young. You will find the LOVE. I bet million dollars on it if there was a bet in Vegas You are a beautiful girl as I can see from the picture. Dont worry!

 

Yes it is classic to say but do all NC advices here and read a book called Mind over Mood. It has really helped last time...I moved on!

 

good luck

[Umlunguusa]

I had a girlfriend that I thought was PERFECT for me: loved her culture, her intelligence, sweetness, femininity, etc.

 

Only problem is, we had a REALLY bad falling out, and we got close again after that just "as friends"--stupidest thing I've done, because I ended up hearing about all the girls and guys she was sleeping with, how attractive they all were, etc. yet when I asked to get back with her, she'd be like "but I'm a lesbian" so I'd say "why'd you go out and sleep with me then?" she'd never have an answer. and the worst part is, despite we weren't going out, she'd get PISSED if I mentioned another girl I liked, and would get threatened--and I'd say "why?"

 

drama. I'm glad she's gone...but I miss her so, sometimes. but it was for the best.

[MinziGirl]

Thanks Minzi. Of course I dont want to live in the past. But the fact remains that I truly believe I need another chance with him. I don't know which hurts more, to continue talking to him and having to heaar about his life without me, or to not talk to him and have that empty void in my heart and soul.

 

No problem, sunshine.

 

Like i have said: If he comes back, you can decide but if i were you, i won't do it.

 

Fill your empty void with your new life. There is so much going on & really, you don't need to stand the disrespect of this guy.

 

He said you are a great girl, right? Prove it to him that you ARE a great girl enjoying your life & later, enjoying it to with another great guy... not with him as sorry disrespectful person.

 

Sorry if i see him differently from you ...

[babysunshine]

The worst part is, I am not blinded by my feelings. He is a truly genuinely good person. He never led me on by giving me false hope, he doesn't disrespect me EVER. If I ever need anything form him he is more than willing to do it.. but he just doesnt want to be my boyfriend/lover. That is what makes this so hard. I almost wish he had been a jerk and done all sorts of bad things because then the anger could fuel NC and me moving on. It just hurts to lose someone so good.

[MinziGirl]

I see... So he was kind to you but doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

 

I once had this situation too. The guy is now my very good friend. In fact he is one of my very best friends in Germany. After a while, we both found out that we were not each other's type. He said everything nice about me... but he likes South American ladies & i am asian... so it was a no go.

 

OK... understand how you feel... Believe me, if you go on with your life, your right guy will step into it at the least expected moment.

[Kahdeksan]

Sunshine... this is much worse than what it seems on the outside from my perspective. I'm not one to dance around or sugar coat words... but you are living in a bubble of your past fantasy. A false IDEA engraved into your mental frame, since infancy, of what 'love' is. You are fixated on HAVING him at all costs, no matter what. No matter what or how you go through to getting him, you JUST want him back! To a point where it's almost become an illness. An obsession which you've planted in your heart to see it grow uncontrollably till the day you give up on him would be the day that you die.

 

Love may not be what you think or idealize it to be... Love is simple yet at times too complicated to grasp, but love in your case should be to 'accept and to let go'. This is not love, this is an unrestrained obsession which you've got to learn to let go by recognizing and acknowledging your own obsessive ways. You have to acknowledge your panic attacks and your desires and needs of desperately wanting to be 'needed' as opposed to being loved.

 

I'm not trying to be an ar$ehole here, I'm merely drilling in the point to you, and since no one else has said it, I thought I'd best say it like I see it.

[dead]

its always tough but you HAVE TO MOVE ON. IMHO you should cut the contact. As an outsider looking in you are 9 months down the line and still in a mess.

Make this decision and see it out. You will be a better person for it in the end.

[Dani0613]

Sunshine, you have to cut the chord. I know what you're going thru. My ex said all the same things to me; I deserve more, I'm everything she could need and want, beautiful, smart, blah blah. For whatever her reasons, she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now and would rather be alone. Our situations are a little different but the answer is still the same. NC. I know you've tried this, but you have to stick to it. You will NEVER move on with your life if you're stuck pining over someone that appears will never come back. If he's told you that he understands and respects your decision to go NC, then do it. My ex has respected my wishes and hasn't contacted me in over 3 weeks. It's been good to me. You can do it....What do you have to lose at this point? I'm certain that if you two are really good friends, that you can re-connect somewhere down the line, AFTER you've moved on and have found love again and are HAPPY.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I think the making of a long term relationship with someone is somewhat analagous to making a collage of moments. You spend all this time collecting, arranging, cutting, fitting, etc... and after all that work, you almost hate for it to ever be finished. So you've got all this crap on the floor you don't want to frame because it just can't be done yet.

 

But you're not throwing any of it out when you decide it's finished. You're just finally putting it behind glass and hanging it on the wall. You're saying, this was part of me, my life, and it's finished now. I'll hang it here to remember everything and help me know where I've been.

 

But until you actually put it behind glass, it's just crap on the floor that will drive you crazy.