Help being single?

[abriellek]

](*,) I'm trying to work through all my problems with help from you guys so... This sounds really weird but I have a serious issue being single. Every time someone tells me I have to love just myself and do things that make me happy for me I want to punch them in the face, because I've tried it and it doesn't work. I dated someone a year and a half, we've been broken up 6 months (I have other posts about it.) I've begun to realize it was emotionally abusive but at the time I was in love, I lived with him and I quit work and school so I could be with him at any moment. I still have issues but like my cousin told me, when I have times when I'm not thinking about it or good days I'd say to myself 'Wow, I'm actually NOT thinking about him.' and it's true, and the past week that's how it's been and I'm so happy about it! (Not quite happy yet, but happy for that.)

But I have ISSUES with being single. It's like my ex leaving took like a huge chunk of me and I'm obsessed with trying to find someone, or rather not trying and hoping it happens. I'm on like every dating site and I can't find anyone, I live in a small town and am not old enough to go to bars. Even at my small 2-yr college there's not many opportunities to meet people, even most of my friends are gone far away. Does anyone have stories/advice of how to be happy being alone? I just concentrate on it so much I think it's stunting my personal growth. It also just makes me feel really really ugly and unsure of myself. help?

[RLW]

i get told the same thing. "learn to love yourself". what i hate most is when someone tells me "you'll find them when you stop looking". i claim bs

[butterfly07]

I wish I could help you in this situation, I really do. I'll give what advice that I can I gotta say Im really proud that you got out of your emotionally abusive relationship, that is a big step and its not easy to get out of those relationships. I think you just got to focus on you, do some serious soul searching, like what do you want in life and really focus on your goals. The way i kinda do it is to keep my mind distracted, if you read my other posts, i wear my heart on my sleeve and im too trusting sometimes. Now, I'm also newly single, you just got to look at all the benefits and enjoy this time for yourself, do what YOU want to do without having to worry about pleasing someone else.

ps. i hate that saying too "you'll find them when you stop looking" i claim bs as well lol

hope this helped you in some sort of way, i'm full of stories so if ever u wanna talk, msg me. take care

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Yes it sounds patronizing when people give this type of advice....especially people in relationships.Unfortunately though a lot of this advice is true and well meaning.You simply have to love yourself first and also stop looking too hard for love.Grab your chances but don't rely on someone else to 'complete' you.

[Rising]

Happy being alone... eh... yes and no. It feels so good when you are with the right person and kinda empty when you aren't. I tend to enjoy my single life because I don't look to find happiness in anyone else. I'm not a loner by any means, but there is so much freedom in being single and if you approach it in the right frame of mind it can be so fulfilling.

 

As for being obsessed with finding someone... that's a dangerous motivation and can end you up in a relationship just as abusive/wrong for you. It seems like you might have depended on your guy too much, and when he went away he took a lot with him. I'm not gonna tell you to love yourself or to stop looking, but I will tell you that when you NEED things that should be WANTS, it can be very dangerous.

 

All I can say is try to keep positive. Sure, you don't have a guy, but that means you don't have to be limited by having someone either. You aren't tied to one place. You can travel. You can date if you want, or not date and learn to be fine with that. You can focus on yourself instead of someone else. Figure out what the things are that you want to change about your life... not things associated with a guy/bf/anyone besides yourself. It sounds a little selfish at first glance, but if you do it right you'll just be improving yourself and you'll be able to offer that much more when the right guy enters your life.

 

Personally, the times when I did the most growing and living were the times when I was the only person I had to rely on. Take advantage of your freedom and go do the things you really want!

 

Best of luck

[whes]

Well, whenever I inadvertently find myself single (yet again...) I usually start spending a lot more time out with friends than I normally do. Making weekly lunch dates with my sister, or with a friend. Getting back into a busier routine helps, and having ongoing projects that you can do in spare time helps as well.

 

Maybe if you've ever played an instrument, picking it up again and playing with a community band. Or if you're into athletics, join an intramural club. Or pick up yoga. Or try karate (which is SUPER fun). Something mental and something physical. Something mental to focus your thoughts on something other than the ex, and the something physical to tire you out and put you to sleep (not to mention that it helps you eat better, gets you better physical shape, you get to meet likeminded people in whatever club you've joined: it's a fantastic motivator). Whenever my mind is really obsessed with ex-thoughts and I just cannot let it go, doing something physical that really tires me out clears my head out like nothing else.

 

All of these might sound like bandaids, but trying new things really really helps you heal. You discover new abilities and new strengths about yourself that you never knew before, and it really just helps you get back into the mindframe of a you-centred being, rather than a you-and-ex centred being.