Chrisanderson Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 History: (you can go back and read my original thread for a more detailed description ) Ok, so my fiance left me for another guy after a 5 year relationship (we've known each other for 8 years). I guess she thought the grass was greener on the other side. I was hurting bad over the breakup. I tried the crying, begging, flowers, but she had already made up her mind. I found ENA and you guys helped me get thru the pain. I was on the road to healing. Fast forward 2 months into the breakup, she calls me and says that she messed up and she wanted me back. Things were good in the beginning. She was remorseful and seemed sincere about wanting to fix things. The first month was great. Everyday was like a honeymoon. We took things slow but at the same time, the emotions came back intensely for both of us. Slowly but surely things changed though. She was becoming very aggravated with me for the simplest things. She was always short tempered but the things she'd get mad about were really trivial. I made it a point not to start any fights over them- not because I was being a pushover but part of the changes I made during the breakup period was to not react negatively to negative situations. She even commented later on saying that she noticed how I'd change in that respect. But the problem continued and I realized one thing... She never changed. I worked on myself during the breakup, she was out having her fun. So the relationship became one-sided. I found that it turned from her being remorseful and putting in effort to regain my trust to her getting comfy and me putting in all the work. I always felt on the edge. Definitely not a good thing. So I called her three nights ago and told her that unless she took time to change her ways, I couldn't be with her. She got angry and hung up the phone. I didn't react. I come to find out that she called the guy she left me for originally (I looked at her phone). Not only that, she had been exchanging texts with him. The texts were friendly- nothing lovey dovey but it's the principal. Why be texting another guy when you're supposed to be building back trust? When I saw that, I told her to never call me again and out the door she went. I will never contact her again and I hope she never contacts me. People like her can't be helped. Do I miss what we had? Yes! But at the same time, she destroyed the little trust I had left and there's no turning back. To those wanting reconciliation, I would say go for it- just make sure that the person has truly changed or else the problems will come back. Not only that, when there's another person involved- it makes things 10x's harder. The trust is broken and you may say that it doesn't matter but it does when the time comes. You find yourself second guessing your partner. That's not a good feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
createhappiness Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 sorry you're going through this.... again for that matter. sounds like your ex is a relationship jumper and who cannot be happy with themselves being alone. also, 2 months isn't that long of a time to heal and process a break-up, especially when all her energy was going into the other man. shame on her, you need a woman with a back-bone and will respect your feelings when in a commited relationship. good for you to leave her in the dust for good. she's got a lot to learn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emalkoc Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 stay away from that woman. She is totally mess. My ex was similar way and I never contacted her again and now I am with someone happy with herself. Stay NC and go find someone deserve you better. cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 sorry you're going through this.... again for that matter. sounds like your ex is a relationship jumper and who cannot be happy with themselves being alone. also, 2 months isn't that long of a time to heal and process a break-up, especially when all her energy was going into the other man. shame on her, you need a woman with a back-bone and will respect your feelings when in a commited relationship. good for you to leave her in the dust for good. she's got a lot to learn. agreed! The problem is that she's incredibly selfish. All of her actions were about HER. Selfishness has no room in a relationship. I hope that I'll be able to spot this kind of thing early on in my next relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billabong89 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Hey Chris you are right she is being selfish and its a long bumpy downhill road ahead of her until she finally realizes what shes doen to herself and the people around her. The best bet man is to move on and as easy as it is for me to say it I know its freaking hard somedays. Take care of yourself and continue working on yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick88 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I agree, when they are selfish it is really hard to have a balance in the relationship. It will always be you that is doing all the work and eventually you are gonna burn out. I also agree that she will have a long bumpy road ahead of her until she realizes what shes done to herself and other around her. And it seems that she cannot be trusted since she came back to you but is still in contact with the other guy.......ppl like this cannot be trusted like you say. I feel for you Chris as Iam struggling with the same thing.........its tough. Stay strong and look out for yourself and know that you are the rational/ level headed person but ppl like your ex have an impairment that prevents them from seeing that. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Update: So I just got a message from her maybe 15 minutes ago saying, "I'm so sorry for what I've done. I know that I want you- I hope that one day we'll be together. I just don't know if I want this right now". I can't believe this girl. I think there are some borderline mental problems that need to be addressed. I understand confusion but the on and off is just too much. Oh well. I feel bad for her. I was there by her side willing and ready to help her through her issues but she gave me up. TWICE. So, there's nothing more I can do. There's a thin line between love and stupidity and me trying to go back and help her would just be stupid. She always looked out for herself so now I need to look out for me and my own heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Did you reply - or are you going to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Did you reply - or are you going to? Nah, as much as it hurts me to see her so lost, I tried. I'll just maintain my NC. Anyone think it's a good idea to resoond? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
createhappiness Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Update: So I just got a message from her maybe 15 minutes ago saying, "I'm so sorry for what I've done. I know that I want you- I hope that one day we'll be together. I just don't know if I want this right now". I can't believe this girl. I think there are some borderline mental problems that need to be addressed. I understand confusion but the on and off is just too much. Oh well. I feel bad for her. I was there by her side willing and ready to help her through her issues but she gave me up. TWICE. So, there's nothing more I can do. There's a thin line between love and stupidity and me trying to go back and help her would just be stupid. She always looked out for herself so now I need to look out for me and my own heart That's the spirit! Seriously, she is WAY too confused and she needs time alone to think about what she's doing. Just ignore her begging and pleading - seems it's become habitual for her and she expects you to always be her safety net. Girl needs to learn... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicePolo Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Alright... This is probably the fourth thread that Ive read about long term relationships lost due to the grass is greener syndrome. It seems that the ex (dumper) always WINS! They ask for a second chance to find out that "its not what they want right now" or "im still talking to the other guy, leaving the the dumpee to deal with all the pain all over again. Its been 4 months since my ex of almost 10 yrs left (high school sweethearts). These threads are beginning to make me think twice about reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicePolo Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Did the relationship become one-sided because the bar was set higher than before? Meaning that she expected more from you because you were the dumpee? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Your analysis in the post above this one seems valid. I have seen many of these grass is greener scenarios end up this way. In my situation, it started with her doing all she could to make sure I knew that she was remorseful and that she truly wanted it to work. But it seems that as time went on, she got relaxed, almost like she "knew" that she had me back and she stopped putting in effort. Then the roles reversed. In my attempt to keep things alive I became the one putting in the effort. I wasn't needy or anything like that, but I definitely could feel that it wasn't 50/50 anymore. Now some may say I should have kept her on the edge. While it makes sense, I feel like if I need to play games in order to keep her then it's not worth it. I mean what's the point? The way I see it, once the dumper dumps, they have total control. That is of course you don't react to the breakup. But who doesn't react? Some may or may not agree with my assessment. One thing I do know is that I'm happy I went through this fire. I've become a much stronger individual because of it. I almost feel like a relationship expert. Now that's not to say I won't get burned again; chances are I will. I just know that I'll be better prepared. I'll see red flags a lot earlier and either chose to deal with them or cut my losses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay_Bird Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 how did she come back did you do nc for the whole 2 months??????? and did you date any during that time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 She just came back after saying that she realized she made a mistake... I was NC the entire 2 months. No I didn't date anyone at all during the two months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rokston Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 i think you've done the right thing here. 110%. you have her a chance and she blew it! she sounds like someone too obsessed with 'what is right for me?'. people like that make lousy partners and will always create an air instability. you should not feel that you are the only one putting in the effort to make it work. if you stop, everything crumbles. in this case, you've stood up for yourself and asked her to face her issues. she doesnt want to. you're worth much more than that. period. well done mate!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick88 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 i think you've done the right thing here. 110%. you have her a chance and she blew it! she sounds like someone too obsessed with 'what is right for me?'. people like that make lousy partners and will always create an air instability. you should not feel that you are the only one putting in the effort to make it work. if you stop, everything crumbles. in this case, you've stood up for yourself and asked her to face her issues. she doesnt want to. you're worth much more than that. period. well done mate!! I totally agree, I learned my lesson in that I realized after it all ended that I was the one putting in all the effort. I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that even though im not the perfect guy, i did my part. So yah, in the end, one sided relationships never have a healthy balance for it to work. I was always looking out for my ex and I's best interest when she was only thinking "whats in it for me". As soon as one person in the relationship starts to think this way, they become selfish and eventually ruin the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thedude27 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I would have responded to let her know, you are done, period. What she wants "right now" is no longer a concern, she had her chance and that was it. Of course, I'm me and you are you, so its what you feel comfortable with. I would do it because "maybe" she will stop bothering you and making it harder. If you dont you know she is going to pop up down the road. That must have been really hard for you I'm sorry. I keep reading these stories and just wonder why I even keep a place set aside for my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay_Bird Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 what I have notice on this board guys usually get the girl back,because they go ahead and let the relationship self destruct and never contact the ex and I notice it usually take up to 6 weeks to 2 months which is strange....... and I have notice the guys who do the LC while the girl is in a relationship,never get the girl back but I see the problem is,once you finally get her back everything seems to go back the same way the first few weeks are good,but then the same problems arise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convoluted Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Depends on the situation really. In my opinion if it goes well I doubt they would post about it. The only reason to post about it if it fails. My mom and dad split and got back together, same thing for my sis and her b/f. It worked well in those 2 situations, but it all depends what happens during/after the failed relationship. I don't see getting back with my ex who broke up with me, even though she's showing signs that she's starting to get interested in me again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spion_kop Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Convoluted, what was the story between your parents and your sis/bf, if you dont mind me asking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 Depends on the situation really. In my opinion if it goes well I doubt they would post about it. The only reason to post about it if it fails. My mom and dad split and got back together, same thing for my sis and her b/f. It worked well in those 2 situations, but it all depends what happens during/after the failed relationship. I don't see getting back with my ex who broke up with me, even though she's showing signs that she's starting to get interested in me again. I agree. I don't think second chances are a bad thing... It's just that both parties need to be fully invested in working things out. If it's one sided then it will obviously fail again. I'm pretty sure that both parties in both of your stories were fully vested. Can you please give details to both of your stories? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krazyq Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 OMFG CHIRSS!!! your story and everyone's is so similar...i seriously can't believe this SH** well i've failed cos my ex's efffed me over enough and i just kinda took her back.... ill post my whole story soon... but i tried...and she wanted me back...and...we did it...although i dont really have feelings....as i use to. after sleepin with her i felt like * * * * ... but i'll post my story.i know its been a couple months...pls keep me updated and tell me wats up now! thnnks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krazyq Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 ooops...double post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fleck1234 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 IMHO, second chances can work out if you take it really slow. Do not just jump back into a full blown relationship, just start dating again and feeling each other out. You need time to evaluate whether or not your ex has worked on the issues and changed. I see alot of second chances fail on here because of haste. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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