Ive got no guts.

[buffalosoldier]

I wish i had guts to do things sometimes.The courage and strength to just go ahead and do what i wanted to or say what i want to without this fear of getting things wrong. I fear getting rejected or getting things wrong so bad that i avoid doing and/or saying so many things that i desire to.

 

To be more specific,in this instance it is to do with my boyfriend. To be honest i almost feel as if i have changed into a different person whilst i have been with him. I used to be so sweet, so romantic and would say and do sweet,caring things without having to think twice about it and now...well i feel like i have been hiding my true self because i was worried my boyfriend would not like the real me.

 

I would love to tell him that i love him,but i just dont have the guts at all.I have given him hints in cards and things,but he never does the same back so this just makes me even less likely to say it to him.I know it sounds selfish but i really dont want to say it unless he feels the same way,but in a way im scared to know the truth.We have been together a long time and it would break my heart if he couldnt say it back to me.

 

I KNOW i cant make him love me,but i just feel lost.Please,if you understand what im talking about and can offer any words id be eternally grateful.

 

I thought i would add that i know alot of people will probably tell me i should end the relationship if this is how i feel,and who knows maybe i should,i have thought that many times myself because i just dont feel im getting the love i need sometimes.But i dont have the guts to do that either.Im stuck,please help.

[Self Discoverer]

Hiya Buffalosoldier, good to see you back

 

Firstly, the key to any relationship is communication. If you're really worried about how your bf genuinely feels about you then maybe it's time to sit down and have a real heart to heart with him.

 

Tell him how mcuh you love him and tell him that you need some reassurance that he feels the same way. Just because he doesn't love you in the same way that you love him, it does not necessarily mean that he doesn't love you with all that he's got.

 

You really have nothing to lose. You can't continue the way you are. I was the same and I was so scared of losing my ex that I held back on telling her how much I loved her and I didn't want to do anything for fear that she would dump me.

 

In the end she did anyway. There is NOTHING you can do to make him feel love towards you. He either loves you or he doesn't. Your actions are immaterial. Although you may well drive him away if you let fear take hold and stop being yourself. It was this person after all that he chose in the first place.

 

I would talk to him first but if you are not happy in the relationship then you need to face the possibility of moving on. You have to put your own happiness first. It sounds selfish but there isn't any alternative.

 

I'm guessing that this is your first serious relationship. It is scary the first time you reach this stage when there's much uncertainty about the future. Just roll with it buffalo and you WILL prevail (and a lot stronger for it)

 

Take care

[buffalosoldier]

Thankyou so much for your response,i know it was an honest one and i respect that so thankyou.What you said made sense.

 

You said that i have nothing to lose,and by that i know what you mean,but you see i would lose what little happiness i do have at the moment if i lost my boyfriend.i love him with all my heart but am sad to say that he is really the only thing that gives me any real pleasure or happiness any more.Nothing else really matters to me that much.

 

I would love to have a heart to heart with him about things,but i have done in the past and he thinks i am being silly and just picking arguments when their is nothing wrong with our relationship.I dont want him to think that i am going on about it.i do have a tendency to be insecure and jealous too which doesnt help,its like when ''the little boy cried wolf'' if you know what i mean.

 

He is my first love but i am not his.and dont even know if i am to him at all.I couldnt bear to be without him.help.its like a one way street.

[littlefeet]

Hi BuffaloSoldier,

I've had the same worries as you have in the past, and occasionally I still do--but for now, I've made the decision to keep going with my boyfriend--and tried checking out my own perspective a little.

 

It's true that your guy might really be taking you for granted, or he might not be as interested as you are; lots of things may be true. Still, before you ditch him, just consider--

 

A lot of guys--and women--attach "life or death" importance to the words "I love you". That doesn't mean they don't love you--but I know in my boyfriend's case, he may never say those exact words regularly--because he's scared if we wind up not getting married, he won't take them back. I know. It makes very little sense to us.

 

Obviously, since I was having similar insecurities to yours, I had to do some thinking about whether I could deal with his hangups--the way he has dealt with mine (we all have them)--and whether his reserved nature might really mean he didn't care enough. This is possible, but you have to keep in mind that you two could just be very different in your means of expression. I had stopped sending the cards, etc. too--thinking I was overwhelming my guy. . . and putting him off. . . but I later found out he was thinking I'd maybe started getting into someone else! Far from true! It seems simple to us to think "If I send him a card, he will see that's what I want"--but, at least for my guy, he's completely himself. It's not natural for him to do that stuff--so I took a second look, before throwing in the towel. To my surprise, I discovered tons of things I hadn't noticed that HE does for me--and I don't really do so much for him.

 

So I made a list. Did it matter more to me that my boyfriend said "I love you", or that he's trying his hardest to find a job in my country, more than 3k miles away, because I have to live here for now? Did the specific words "I love you" matter more than that last visit, when he had my bath waiting every night, and all the cooking done, and shopping, etc., that I didn't have time to do? Did they matter more than his habit of reading stories out loud before bed? Did they matter more than the fact that, despite his lack of words, I've been told he never so much as looks at another woman . . . by his friends and family.

 

Lol, he can be really awkward with words. During our last visit, he managed to say something like "I see everybody settling down (all our mates), and well, if I don't stay with you, I have to find somebody else"!! Now that can sound really bad. . . which he realised. . . and he was so embarrassed and shy about it that I saw, for some people, the words really don't come easily. Finally he just said he didn't know what to say, gave me the biggest hug ever . . . and started making improvements to my computer.

 

Well, you get the idea. It may be more of a two way street than you think. You'll have to decide what's best for you, but if you are going to tell him you love him, try to be calm and say it simply. I don't know about other guys, but when I get emotional, he tends to worry, not get romantic. Be ready for him to say "wow, that's heavy" or "I'm not ready to say that" --or to bashfully brush you off.

 

No, maybe he shouldn't do. In an ideal world, people would be mature, responsive, ready for everything--when you are. They would say the words you want to hear, in your way. But for whatever reason (and there may be some you don't know about), some people take love really slowly, and it doesn't mean they don't, or wont', feel it.

 

But if he won't or doesn't say the words yet, that doesn't necessarily mean he feels nothing special for you. In fact, he might be treating you extra-carefully because you ARE so special to him, and maybe things haven't worked out so well for him in the past.

 

Well, I'll just shut up now but good luck BuffaloSoldier. Just remember that no guy is responsible for your happiness--that is your gift to yourself. I've got a lot of personal experience dealing with this kind of guy (lol, nearly 5 years' worth), so if you want to sound off or talk, I think you can pm me (rather new to the site so let me know if you have trouble).

[poonany]

If you "loose" him because you verbally express to him how you feel,

then have you really lost something valuable? Is your "happiness" really valid if someone would let you go because you love them?

 

Tell him. theres no question. Stop worrying, I think everything will be ok. Trust me.

 

Good luck

[buffalosoldier]

Thankyou soooo mmuch for everyones responses,i feel much better about the situation. I guess im good at giving others advice but when it comes to taking my own...well thats a bit harder.

 

Thanks guys.