I'm extremely lonely, touch starved, and depressed.

[fribjits]

I'm extremely lonely, touch starved and depressed.

 

Hi. Thank you for reading this, it may be a bit long but I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.

 

To start with, I'm a 20 year old male college student. Academically, I've done it all. I've gotten straight A's from grade school to senior year, I was salutatorian and I've been placed in advanced math classes and competed in spelling bees, geographic bees, chess clubs, etc. I also have my hobbies and career goals laid out. I practice the piano often and can solidly work towards being a master at it day by day without any pressure. I also am VERY good at a lot of video games and working on computers and programming.

 

Yes I'm a nerd, but I don't care, that's who I am....

 

However...

 

There's one thing in life I haven't been able to get, one thing I've been missing out on and my heart has been aching and dying for.

 

Love.

 

Or, to be more precise, female affection.

 

I've never been in a real relationship before. I mean sure, I had a few 1 month "girlfriends" back when I was really young but nothing serious. In high school and grade school i really didn't care. I honestly didn't, in a good way. I was happy playing video games with friends, acting in plays, and fixing the school's computers and I was loving my life, I really was.

 

But then somehow, right around the end of senior year, It got into my head that somehow if I didn't have a girlfriend or find love, I was a failure as a human. I know this isn't true, in my logical mind I KNOW this isn't true but this thought soon became stronger...and stronger...and this thought soon combined with feelings of lust and strong urges of need.

 

Then all of this became realized about a year ago, when i got my first kiss. I was on a date with a girl I had a big crush on and I got to cuddle and kiss her at the end of the night. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. Her waist was so round and smooth and her lips made me forget everything and turn into bliss. However, It turned out she had a boyfriend, and was just using me for jealousy so we never did anything with each other that.

 

And now that I know what it feels like to hold a girl I'm extremely desperate and lonely. I can hardly think straight.

 

Now all I see are couples. Couples couples everywhere on campus, flirting with each other, cuddling, kissing, telling each other how much they love each other, and it makes me extremely sad and a little bitter.

 

I've spent over $80 on dating programs on the internet and I know all the mechanics they teach, being confident, not being too needy, cocky funny, etc etc.

 

And trust me, I HAVE talked to girls...in fact I do it alot...I'll go up to random girls, HOPING that somehow they'll like me but they all give me the same look as if a beggar had just come up to them asking for money in a drunken slur.

 

I'm not going for total hotties or anything. I go for any girls I can, attractive girls, not attractive girls, whatever. I didn't used to think I was a bad looking guy, but the more time I spend unable to find a girl, the more I realize when I look in the mirror how ugly I am.

 

It's hard to keep going mentally and physiclally when I keep getting that same awkward stare from girls, that same look I get when I know she and I will never go out. Or whats even worse is when they are really friendly but you found out days later that they have a boyfriend or they're gonna put you in the friendzone.

 

And I'm not a social * * * * * * * either. I have a large cricle of friends, both guy and girl. Most are my good friends are back home but I've been making a few friends since I came to this college.

 

But it's so tough to even get through the day now. I feel so alone and helpless and unattractive. Never mind that im on a full scholarship, never mind that im pursuing my dream job, never mind that A I got on that exam. My brain doesnt care anymore, my brain doesn't care about ANYTHING in my life. The ONLY thing I care about now is finding a girl. a girl to hold in my arms...a girl who would stare at me fondly and tell me how much she loves me before kissing me gently..

 

I've never experienced that before...I've never ever ever had a girl truly think I was special, that she wanted to hold and kiss me because she was attracted to me...

 

I need to hear that...I need a girl to validate my value. I know thats exactly what i shouldn't need but it's true. In my mind I know I'm doing good in all other areas of my life. like I said, I'm intelligent, hard working, on the right track career wise and I love my hobbies, but I've stopped caring about my life! What can I do!? I'm losing interest in my life! I just want a kind girlfriend! I want someone to love me! I want...a girl to hold...

[bih2003]

The perfect person or the right person I should say is hard to find. I currently search for something just like that myself. All the guys I have been with ended up using me and the trying to brush me off. There is nothing wrong with me, and I fit the criteria you describe as well, it's just that i;ve had the worst luck in my life. I am getting older and I am about to graduate from college too. My cousins are all married with the picture perfect husbands I imagined to have one day. Of course noone is perfect , i am just talking about what is my perfect perception and the picture I have of my future husband. I stopped caring in about 11th grade about school and all the way through college. I can only thank god for allowing me to be in my last year of college and even now I am horribe in school. I know why I am , it is because I keep thinking of that mr.right more than anything in my life. .... I think that when I find him I will not feel like I am a failure and the loneliness will go away. I stopped looking in the mirror altogether because I cannot look at myself anymore. When I look in the mirror I see ugliness too , I see something NOONE WANTS. etc. I see guys using me and then throwing me away and smiling/laughing about it, while I cry in pain. I wish i knew how to help you and what to say, you just have to take one day at a time, Ive waited and if I have to wait for the rest of my life then that is my destiny.

 

I cry at night , it helps me cope with a lot of stuff, since I really dont talk to anyone!

My friends are rats who have done nothing but stabbed me in the back , since then I have accepted that there is no true friendship in this world, only interests.

 

PS: Just because you walk up to them doesnt mean anything, trust me , maybe some of those you have approached feel good inside even though they gave u a surprising look. They feel good because maybe noone ever approached them either and now they feel wanted , by you!

 

One thing I can recommend is maybe not approach but like sit in class to some girl and randomly talk to her about school , this class etc. that is how you will find girlfriends.

 

Good luck my friend, you are not alone!!!

[amure]

ay mate, you arn't alone here.

 

it all comes in time.

imagine what your life is like in ten years. every day out of those ten years is another chance to find a girl. how many days in a year? how many chances is that in 10 years?

 

patience, and respect dude. respect yourself, because there is nothing wrong with you despite how things may seem. be patient waiting for the right lass to come into your life.

 

good luck with your school dude.

and good luck with the waiting game. tis a toughy. il be glad when its over