Jeremiah Johnson Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I don't know what you do with your cats, but I prefer not to have sex with mine. lol. love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Would you be ok with a guy in the future finding out about your behavior and choices in this relationship and deciding he wasn't cool with someone who chose to have a sex buddy (and it sounds like it's not just sex - you want to have a warm body to cuddle with and watch movies with although he's not good enough to formally date) - the way you chose to? I f you would be fine - meaning, that is you, that is your choice/your values and if he doesn't like it, fine, then of course that's fine but if you would try to explain it away as "well I was lonely but didn't want anything serious and I had sexual and cuddling needs to fulfill" then be prepared for at least certain men to be wary of getting involved with you. I would be wary with a justification like that. (and also concerned about STDs since of course your sex buddy can do whoever else he wants to). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tina-rocks Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I think as long as the other party is of the same mind then it's fine. As no one gets hurt. But...... for me if I was aware that my partner felt differently and I were not being honest. I could not live with myself. I could not hurt anyone this way. Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 as long as you can handle when he finds someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D_Lish Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I couldn't have sex with a man, just for the purpose of getting sex. I have to love him, in order to have sex with him... Thats just me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 It's all grand- Your post really hit home. Obviously my heart was wrung out and having someone that gives me that affection and kindness obviously helps but the again.... at what cost? You are right: Doing it on your own is a lot healthier and better both for me and the innocent person going along for the ride. Nurseman- I'm not a sociopath you crazy little cat molester... =) I told him everything from the get go- He is a grown man and if he doesn't like the situation with me, he can move on any time no worries! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixelPusher Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I think it's a bit selfish, yes. Okay granted you were honest up front and you both agreed it was FWB only. BUT you're not oblivious and can see he is developing feelings. Just turning a blind eye to his growing feelings so you can keep your sex/affection IS selfish. That's why FWB F-buddies never work. One of the two ALWAYS develop feelings, and then feelings are hurt, period. Despite your "agreement" he has developed feelings. So now it is time to re-evaluate. No matter what kind it is, this is still a relationship that requires two people for it to work. Now that it's broken the original boundaries you BOTH have a responsibility. Sorry, but now that you've seen it, you need another serious talk with him. I bet he's going to deny it, but if you see it's there, I would guess it's time to cut the line and move on with your life. Maybe spend some time alone and realize that you don't NEED anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Aww. Thanks for the compliment. I guess it's for the best I end it especially because he is great but I really don't even like him (His personality botherssss me ) It's weird, I know. But in the affection/sexual department he is fabulous. Tough! Maybe I'm missing something here, but how can you have sex with him, and also say, "but I don't really like him?" FWB's is not for me, but to each his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 You're just NOT going to let the cat thing go, huh? Oy vey. (sigh) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarati Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 EXACTLY, nurseman. Well-said. This doesn't require a whole lotta analysis -- and I'm not slinging mud on "babysunshine", but a Playa is a Playa, no matter the gender. And SOMEONE always ends up getting hurt, usually the "used" party. But all it is is a transfer of original hurt -- babysunshine has a broken heart and low self-image after having experienced a painful rejection, and so she is soothing her hurt by using someone who likes her "all drooly over her" as It'sAllGrand suggested. We all do things to eradicate that nagging inner agony. I'm sorry if I seemed mean to babysunshine. Really did not mean any harm. And, yes, it could be that I'm identifying with her used man because I allowed myself to participate in an unrequited love situation (in less fancy terms: I went ahead and agreed to be someone's sex object because I was lonely and thought it would transform into love later on --NOT). It's interesting how pain gets recycled from one person to another to another, and you know, love and caring and compassion can do the very same thing. I guess it's just that I simply am not wired to participate in using or being used. Thoughts, anyone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Eliana, I too have actually been on the receiving end as well. Before my current ex I "dated" a man for a year who clearly had no intentions of becoming my boyfriend or anything of the sort. I was young, he was older and I was sad for a bit but today we are actually great friends. I realize what Im doing is somewhat wrong or else I wouldn't be posting here obviously. But at the same time, Im not a player. It's not like I am leading him on by suggesting anything could ever happen just so he will stay. He is from Russia and our cultural differences are immense!! Im from Brazil. He is 34 and has been pedi-cabbing for seven years!! For those who dont know what that is : It's the people who cart tourists around on the back of their bike. Nothing against anyone doing that but come on for seven years?? he has a law and linguistics degree from Russia. That lack of drive is just one of the main things that turn me off from him... But like I said he is very loving and intelligent. I like spending time with him. he always offers to take me to dinners etc... I ALWAYS decline. I would never let him spend money on me. So in some ways... Im not a cold-hearted b**** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 No, you seem like a sweetie actually. Which is probably why he is falling for you! Aww, I hope it all works out for you , babysunshine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 There is nothing wrong with this if the guy is fully aware that this is the deal. But dont' become one of those many women in FWB's that i see, mostly on this site, who do it then call the guy all kinds of jerk names when he doesn't change his feelings to more permanent when you do. If you want to live like this without attachments be prepared that if you DO get attachments there is a strong chance the guy wno't reciprocate. And if he doesn't he isn't being a scumball he is simply adhering to the agreement that he entered. That means if he doesn't call you or hang out to snuggle after sex he isn't being a jerk, he is doing what you wanted. A sex only relationship. most women don't fully get this concept. Some do, but most don't and like nurseman said when a guy does it he gets labeled some bad names but the woman is labeled honest. I don't find anything honest at all about entering a FWB then calling the guy names if he doesn't change his feelings to coincide with yours. as for this guy who developed feelings, if you are really going to do true FWB's you should drop him now. The agreement should be called off. Otherwise you are willingly hurting someone's feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Batya33, future guys may not find out what she was up to, or if she would tell a future bf or SO, I would think she would put a more positive spin on things than just what you said. I think most people have skeletons in their closet that they don't want to see the light of day, or if it does see the light of day, it would be painted in a better light. I am not being critical with this post, just noting that not everything is so unforgivable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 as for this guy who developed feelings, if you are really going to do true FWB's you should drop him now. The agreement should be called off. Otherwise you are willingly hurting someone's feelings. Personally, I don't believe in FWB's because they can lead to people getting hurt, BUT, if you both are ok with it, then I don't see anything wrong with it. I would have a talk with him, and if he still insists he's ok with it, then you're off the hook, since you were upfront and honest with him, and he knows what he's getting into. If he chooses to go on with it (even with feelings on his end), then if he gets hurt down the road, it's his fault. I've been in his shoes before and gotten hurt because I've ignored my feelings for the guy. I never blamed the guy for it. I blamed myself for it and for what I could have done wrong, to NOT have him love me, like me, stay with me. In the end, I beat myself up over it, but NEVER did I once blame him. I knew what I was getting into. I just wished it could have lasted forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 i've done it, with my last guy. i ended up getting attached so that blew up in my face. i still didn't like him, never have. but the physical aspect, having him hold me and falling asleep with him there... made me very attached. it complicates a lot. i used him the same way you used that guy. I definitely can relate to this. There were times when I was involved in bad break-ups, that I just clung onto the next attractive guy I could find, just to get me through and to provide me with the physical and intimate needs that are such a desperate fire, especially when you lose someone important in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 The way I see it is - it's no longer casual sex once someone starts wanting more, developing big attached meaning to the sex. So it's a living a lie to keep banging someone who doesn't see it the same way as you. Sorry to be a bit crude. lol. But I don't see there being a problem with two adults banging away simply for pleasure. Not if they are responsible adults - which granted, is not always the case! It's when people start lying to themselves that is the problem. It gets under my skin when people say things like "I can't separate sex and love". BS. You simply choose not to - and that's fine - but don't put your head in the sand thinking you are not capable of it. We are all capable of it - some people just don't go down that road nor explore that side of human sexuality and emotional orientation. Well that's my blowing off minor irritation for the day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracerules2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 I think the friends with benefits zone is far more worse and painful than the friend-zone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Well Ren many women DO blame the guy even when they knew the score. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shykid Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 To OP: I understand that the guy is fully aware of what you want and can leave when he wants which that he his responsible for, but he mostly likely is blinded by emotion and false hope thinking you'll develop feelings for him in the near future.....but what is really bothering me is that you're letting someone put themselves through a potential heartache, do you not feel the least bit guilty? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Of course I feel a little guilty or else I wouldnt be posting on here right? I agree that I am being selfish but at the same time, He is ten years older than me! It's not like I told him once at the beginning that I would never be his girlfriend.... I am continuously letting him know where I stand. I just wanted to get people's experiences with FWB's and the ultimate outcomes not get chastisized for something that some people feel is wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychGirly Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 It's not wrong to be in a FWB situation, as long as the other person knows what the restrictions are. If you're sure he's falling for you, then you should make it clear to him that he needs to take a step back. If he continues showing signs of affection (not sex lol), then the safer thing to do would be to step out of it, because I don't think you'd want to deal with the drama that would arise out of it. From what you're saying, you're not open to anything more than FWB whatsoever, so if he can't deal with that, then you should put a stop to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drewciouS281 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 i agree with some of the others. its not wrong but both parties need to understand this. In my experiance though, someone always developes more feelings. Friends with benefits usually only hang a couple times a week but if its more than that and you two are doing actual activities outside the bedroom together than it will seem a bit more than FWB and your contributing to this. If he is developing feelings and you dont want anything with him, you need to just cut things off. Yeah you like the comfort and sex but it wouldnt be right to his feelings. FWB work but they are usually short term unless it does go to the next level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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