babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Ok, I know the title seems a little crazy but really, from someone who has experienced anything like this... What are the ramifications on both parties? Basically, my boyfriend brok up with me in February after four years but thats a whole 'nother story on a different topic but soon after I started casually dating someone. My ex and I had been long distance for the last two years of the relationship and so I missed the affection of having someone by your side. Anyways, from the get go I let this man know that I only wanted something casual, that I just got out of a relationship and I would never be ok with being his girlriend. (Blunt yes, but I needed to be honest). He is very caring, affectionate, and the sex is very good. We have been in this FWB situation for almost four months. At first it was great but now I see that he has developed feelings and I am not ok with that. For me it is purely sexual with no other feelings WHATSOEVER. Is it bad for me to keep seeing him? I mean it's nice to have someone to watcha movie with, cuddle with, relax after a hard days work and I have been 100% honest with him. Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pacodemil Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I don't think your wrong to keep seeing him but I think that in the end you will have a harder time getting rid of him when the time comes for that as his affections for you grow. Just keep reminding him that it will never be a relationship and eventually he will accept it or he will move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleduckie Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 i've done it, with my last guy. i ended up getting attached so that blew up in my face. i still didn't like him, never have. but the physical aspect, having him hold me and falling asleep with him there... made me very attached. it complicates a lot. i used him the same way you used that guy, after the ex broke my little heart lol. i say quit now, deal with your problems yourself. i'm fine on my own now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 I do... constantly. He is a great person but completely not for me. Sometimes I feel bad but the "selfish" part of me justifies it by telling myself it's ok because I was honest from the start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragunov-21 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Please don't allow him to get any closer to you, it will hurt so much more (for him, and possibly a little for you) when you end it. It's not your fault, and I don't think I'd blame you if you didn't end it, but... Be prepared for him to enter a world of hurt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremiah Johnson Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Is that you in the pic? You'll break the guy's heart. But you were honest and he's gotta take responsibility. So six one way/half a dozen the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Aww. Thanks for the compliment. I guess it's for the best I end it especially because he is great but I really don't even like him (His personality botherssss me ) It's weird, I know. But in the affection/sexual department he is fabulous. Tough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed be Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 i think as long as you are honest about what you are looking for then he is responsible for his own actions...i wouldn't feel guilty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Sorry, but I think you're being phenomonally selfish, not to mention cruel. You may have the feelings of an ice sculpture but we guys actually HAVE been known to fall in love occasionally. If you want to avoid "emotional attachment", why don't you get a male blow-up doll? Or a cat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 I don't want to avoid emotional attachment, I just haven't found someone that I would want to pursue that with. When it happens it happens. I don't know what you do with your cats, but I prefer not to have sex with mine. and also, no oneis forcing him to spend time with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pacodemil Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Sorry, but I think you're being phenomonally selfish, not to mention cruel. You may have the feelings of an ice sculpture but we guys actually HAVE been known to fall in love occasionally. If you want to avoid "emotional attachment", why don't you get a male blow-up doll? Or a cat? Now I don't agree with this. I have no problem admiting as a man that men do this kind of thing with women all of the time and never once consider the consequences and I don't see why she shouldn't be able to continue having this arrangement when she has obviously made it clear to this guy that she isn't looking for more. He obviously didnt have a problem with getting some action in the beginning so why should she have to feel bad now? I say go with the flow and if he can't accept what you want or need from him then he is more than willing to look elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed be Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Sorry, but I think you're being phenomonally selfish, not to mention cruel. You may have the feelings of an ice sculpture but we guys actually HAVE been known to fall in love occasionally. If you want to avoid "emotional attachment", why don't you get a male blow-up doll? Or a cat? it's not selfish...she has been completely honest...its his responsibility to do what is right for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarati Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I agree with nurseman. I think it's horrid, not to mention borderline sociopathic, to just use someone for your own gratification. You are relegating a living, breathing, feeling human being to the status of an object. That's low. I think you need therapy to figure out why you think it's somehow your "right" to use another person for your own gratification. I am on the receiving end of this right now, and whether you intend it or not, your using behavior transforms the other person into a potential victim. You are getting huge ego strokes because this man loves you and you exploit that to make yourself feel superior. Really, really mean. I hope someone does this to you someday, or perhaps they already have, and now you have a chance to get back at the big ol' mean universe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Ok, the cat-thing didn't come out like I meant it. I was trying to point out that cats have no emotion either. Let's forget it. But you cannot deny you are toying with this man. You wouldn't have brought this up if you didn't think so. I've BEEN that guy a few times. I know women who have been in the same situation. We all felt used. It isn't whole lot of fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Comeback_Kid Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I do the same thing with girls: Tell them from the get-go I don't really want or need that, but then they get mad when you dont call or text every 5 minutes... I do kinda feel bad but like you said, we told them up front, so the responsibility lies with them... haha thats what i tell myself anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Congrats babysunshine.....you're a "Playa". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed be Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I agree with nurseman. I think it's horrid, not to mention borderline sociopathic, to just use someone for your own gratification. You are relegating a living, breathing, feeling human being to the status of an object. That's low. I think you need therapy to figure out why you think it's somehow your "right" to use another person for your own gratification. I am on the receiving end of this right now, and whether you intend it or not, your using behavior transforms the other person into a potential victim. You are getting huge ego strokes because this man loves you and you exploit that to make yourself feel superior. Really, really mean. I hope someone does this to you someday, or perhaps they already have, and now you have a chance to get back at the big ol' mean universe. is it possible you are transferring your situation on to one that is not even remotely the same. The OP has not made any promises to the guy, she has been very honest about where she is at and what she is looking for from their interactions. That is where her responsibility ends. That does not make her a sociopath...it' makes her honest and it is now the guys responsibility to get out if he is not comfortable with what is being offered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 When you put aside the moral aspects of it....think ahead to the future. Right now, it is fun for you and there don't *appear* to be any downsides. Well take it from a girl, now a woman, who has been there done that. There are downsides. They come to bite you later. Why? What? Well I don't believe for one second that you are a cold, heartless you know what. You are a woman with feelings and who has recently had her heart basically wrung out of her chest. Now, you may be able to fool yourself some of the time that this is working for you, and that the ex is DONE and you are doing FABULOUS. But I don't buy it. You too must have your silent moments of being torn, feeling empty, feeling hurt, feeling lost. And that is normal. And if you aren't feeling that sometimes, and I know you still have feelings for your ex based on posts here or at least hopes! - then you aren't staying still enough to hear it. You are filling it with sex, fun, the trip of having a guy all drooly after you. So morals aside - the concequences of your choices now will mean more heart ache for you later. You are just putting it off, and on top of it, adding on complications and possible guilt and remorse and a basic lack of trust and respect for yourself down the line....when you do see that person you want to commit to; or you are all alone , what you have as your history is something completely different. You will have to re-learn connecting sex and love and that whole deal. My last relationship was years and years and he tore my heart out, and this time - no men. It's made all the world of difference. The pain and anger and emotional rollercoaster has been intense, but it's all mine - not diffused into other men or confusing myself with being something I am not. just something to think about....I think the very fact you'd post asking "How bad is this..." you know what you need to do! Not just for him (though that is a good reason!) but for yourself. The tempting easy way almost always ends up costing so much more...later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 FWB is the main type of "relationship" I have. I've only had one case of it go bad, when the girl developed feelings for me. When that happens, I think it should end (assuming the feeling isn't mutual), because it's too mean to the other person otherwise. Living a "close but not quite" life has to be agonizing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 is it possible you are transferring your situation on to one that is not even remotely the same. The OP has not made any promises to the guy, she has been very honest about where she is at and what she is looking for from their interactions. That is where her responsibility ends. That does not make her a sociopath...it' makes her honest and it is now the guys responsibility to get out if he is not comfortable with what is being offered. So let's say YOU meet this guy. He is nice, charming, good-looking. You talk, you like him. You have to or else you wouldn't give him the time of day. You spend a little time together. He invites you to his place. You go. "But", he says, "You're outta there in the morning". "What the hell?", you think. "After spending the night with me, he'll change his tune." In the morning he tosses you out the door like yesterday's newspaper. Don't tell me he wasn't a slime-bag. But he was an HONEST slime-bag. A guy who does this is a "Playa-Bastard". A girl who does the same is "being honest". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 And how honest is it really? To yourself? Wanted to add: I think regular old dating for fun and even sex/affection is fine in itself. But once you know the other person isn't on the same wavelength anymore, it's time to cut out of there. There are SO many men looking for casual hook ups. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed be Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 So let's say YOU meet this guy. He is nice, charming, good-looking. You talk, you like him. You have to or else you wouldn't give him the time of day. You spend a little time together. He invites you to his place. You go. "But", he says, "You're outta there in the morning". "What the hell?", you think. "After spending the night with me, he'll change his tune." In the morning he tosses you out the door like yesterday's newspaper. Don't tell me he wasn't a slime-bag. But he was an HONEST slime-bag. A guy who does this is a "Playa-Bastard". A girl who does the same is "being honest". actually i would go in to that knowing there was a risk he wouldn't change his mind. I would know that i went in to the situation knowing he didn't have feelings for me and deal with it afterwards being aware that I CHOSE to be with him despite his lack of care for me...MY responsibility, MY choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Hey OP, I wish I could be like you, where you can separate feelings and emotions from just raw sexual pleasure. I've always wanted to do that and have done some FWB's in my past where, even though it was known that we were friends but also sexual partners, I still got attached to the guy. I want to be able to have the sex without being attached. Attachments ruin things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skyegl Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I had a recent realationship with a guy who just wanted me for sex. I had a problem sexually and he filled that need and he sorted me out. This took quite a few months. I didnt like him at first either. Then I started to have feelings for him. He was clear he just wanted me for sex. Then the tables turned and he wanted a relationship but I didnt. In the end I had trouble getting rid of him. In the end, he was hurt and I was too even though I instigated the breakup. I still missed a part of him even though I knew he was BAD for me. What I learned is that we are human beings and as such are emotional. Yeh, probably there are many guys who want casual sex. I think using sex to fill a void is probably not too healthy. I understand your conflict though. I feel like having another fling right now to get the affection and fill the gap. On the other hand, I have learned from your post that I should probably only share my body with someone who is REALLY special and deserves to share that part of me. Otherwise, you dont get the WHOLE package deal and it's not THAT fulfilling. Why settle for less? Divesting your energy in a more healthy way might be advisable. I empathize with your physical needs, it's addictive...I know! I wonder if I'll take my own advice...tee hee! MMmmmm???!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nurseman Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Well, call me "funny", but if I sleep with someone, it's because I (at least) like them. If I like someone and I am spending quality, intimate time with them, there will be, somewhere, in the back of my mind, the HOPE that I will see her again, and again, again. I will HOPE that since I like her, that she will like me back. That is simple human nature. If blessed be and babysunshine's feelings are THAT detached, then the earlier description of "Sociopath" isn't really that far off. How sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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