babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 My boyfriend of four years broke up withme back in February. Since then I have done NC on and offbut never more than 40 days. At first we talked every day, then I did NC, then I caved and started contact again. He came and visited me, I did NC after, we started talking again, I just got backfrom visiting him, It's been this limbo (on my part because he has made it clear we are just friends and he does not want to get backtogether). Now, since the breakup he has never actually felt what it was like to actually lose me completely because I was always there. I made the breakup easier on him because I was with him every step of the way so to say. This last vist, he made it clear that he loved me immensely and always would but the feelings just weren't there anymore. (I posted earlier about this mess!) So... is it too late to do NC with the hope that he for the first time he will truly miss what I am and what we had? Im thinking long term NC (6months and up)? For the past five years he's never gone more than 40 days without hearng from me, catching up... etc.. or is it truly when the feelings are dead nomatter what you do there's no turning back? I am devastated and know deep down inside if I had initiated NC from the get-go, my chances would have been much much much better. Help! Is it fixable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I don't think it is ever too late to start NC. Do it for yourself. Either he will come back or he wont, noone knows this, but clearly this contact you are having with him isn't helping you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 Thanks Shoe. It's just hard to think someone you were so close with for four years may be someone you might never talk to again because you are trying to protect yourself. Sooooooo painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Oh I know, it's awful. It doesn't mean that you will never talk to him again though, it will just give you the time and space you need to get over him. Then maybe one day you can reconnect and become friends, maybe even get back together, or maybe by that time you will no longer have any interest in any communication with him at all. One thing is for sure though, it doesn't look like it is going to happen right now with you still being around. Also, when he doesn't hear from you for say 40 days, then he hears from you, then he doesn't for another 40 odd days it wont bother him because he knows that eventually you are going to contact him. Imagine the curiosity if he didn't hear from you for say 3 months, 6 months or even a year. What were the reasons for him breaking up with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizard71 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Hey babysunshine, i feel for you. Well, i would say that quite often people post on this board after a comment from their ex, trying to analyise if its a road to them coming back. The general answer is 'Dont know, could be good, could be bad...." . Thats because we cannot predict the future. In the same way, i wouldnt worry too much what an ex says to you if its negative. Feelings change all the time. There are storys of ex's swearing that they would never be seen again in the same room as you, yet reconciliation still happens eventually. That is why we must worry about ourselves and not our ex's. Its NEVER too late to start doing something for yourself. You can already do NC, you have managed for 40 days, thats impressive, and if you can do that, then you DEFINITELY have the strength to make it much longer. Just remember that although there is nothing you can do to bring them back, there is plenty you can do to make sure they would never consider it. Dont waste your life thinking about the past hun, you have a wonderful future just waiting for you to let it happen. GO NC, live your life and see what happens. You cant lose here, and if you realize that then you are well on your way. I still think of my ex lots and i dont try and deny those thoughts to myself. I love her, always will. But... i want someone that loves me enough to stick around, dont we all deserve that? Just let him go, and if it is meant to be then it will happen. We are all chasing happiness, and even our ex's deserve the chance to do that, its nothing personal to us, in fact i think that its sometimes harder to walk away than it is to be dumped. Its not always just about love, there are many dimensions to a relationship, and both people must live in enough of them together for it to work. Life gets in the way of love sometimes but you cant let love get in the way of life. It will come to you someway, somehow, just open yourself up to whatever adventures lay ahead. It will be fun i promise x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 You actually have been in limited contact L/C not N/C. I don't think there is any time frame for anything when you are trying to heal. What is best for you is best for you. This is about your well being not his. He has been very clear that you are only going to be friends, but I think it is difficult if not impossible to be friends once you were so much more. To be just friends you would have to be in a great relationship with someone you loved and then why would you want to be friends with your ex? It would be dis-respectful to your SO wouldn't it. Moving forward and healing is about letting go of the past. It cannot be changed no matter how much we wish it. Keeping in contact with him is keeping in contact with the past, and how can that help you heal? lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 You need to do NC for you, not for him. You need to let him go. You should accept that it's over, move on, heal. You have the strength. It's absolutely vital otherwise you will continue to hurt, hope, wish. We'll be here for you. It get will better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tone_deaf Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I just want to make a comment about how helpful all of your comments about NC are. For me, right now, I'm coming on 27 days of not contacting her, not doing anything. It's been 27 days since she broke up with me. How many times have I wanted to tell her I miss her? Usually at least three times per day. I saw a mutual acquaintance at a party on Friday night, and I wanted so badly just to call and chat about him with her. It rips me to pieces. But what you all say about no contact is so true. In the course of all this, I am thinking about where I was wrong in the relationship, where she was wrong, how I can avoid getting into another relationship like this. Today has been more difficult than others. But I just keep pushing. And grieving. babysunshine, I'll admit that I have some hopes that my NC is creating some tension, and that maybe something will happen. But like wizard71 said, the ultimate goal is myself. It has to be. I am actively fixing those things I know she had a problem with. I know there's this hope that I get a chance to show her I've changed those things. But I also know she was right about those things. And the next girlfriend will be the one who ultimately benefits. The other thing. I just don't feel anything can happen between us unless she is determined something should. I can't make excuses for her, and then try to lure her back. She has to know in her heart it's the right thing. And if she ever does, she'll contact me. I don't know if that helps you, babysunshine. If anything, I'm just trying to say I know how hard it is to stay away from this person you still love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I think that's a great post tone deaf! They have to realise it and come back, and if they don't? Well then it wasn't meant to be and we will be moving onto bigger and better things! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 Thank you everyone for all the insight. It really helps calm my heart. The reasons for the breakup were because the last year was long distance and the fighting, insecurity, commitment pressures took a toll. Also, I let myself go into a depression and was not the person I used to be. But, I also love him so so so much and saw how happy he was this last time I saw him. The life he made for himself his goals becoming realites that I am starting to relaize that it will hurt but I might have to let him go completely. If being happy means not having me then so be it. It hurts hurts hurts, and I would still go to the ends of the earth for another chance though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tone_deaf Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I think most of us would do almost anything to show the ex that he or she would get so much if only they came back. That's one of the things that hurts so much about nc. But I will say that the thing I fear is what you had to experience in the car. I don't want to have an involved conversation, or spend time, with my ex, and then have her tell me that she just doesn't see it happening. She already said that to me once. If she comes back to me, then SHE'S decided something. Otherwise, I just have to assume she still has the same attitude. Good luck, babysunshine! You made it 40 days before. That could be the first goal! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuhl282000 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Here grab a drink or some coffee & kick up you feet and listen to this ......to the end link removed It will help you a lot ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian123 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 It's never too late. Move on hun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillSmiling Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Why continue to let him reject him? I KNOW it hurts, buthow many times does he have to tell you before you head on your way? It's Day 35 for me. Tried the "friends" thing after about 2 months of him walking out. It's NOT worth it. He knows how you feel. He knows what you want. If he wants it to be different, than he will have to make that happen, and than you can choose if it's right. Please don't continue to put yourself through his rejection time and time again. Your heart won't heal if you keep doing this. *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoTung Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Snap me too - i tried over and over again but he said no each time. Went NC and then within a month he dated someone else. Don;t let him manipulate you. It not a case of let him go - its a case of HE HAS GONE neither you or I know the future but we can definitely not let them hurt us anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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