babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Is it just me or is worse to have the dreaded "I love you but not as a girlfriend anymore" than just having the person leave for other reasons? I was with my boyfriend for four years and since the last two were long distance things did get a little less spicy but I was still the woman of his dreams. He broke up with me back in February due to the distance, fighting, commitment issues (he wasnt ready to move me out to where he was) and at first he said "maybe in the future we can get backtogether because I still love you but this isnt working", then it slowly was "Im pretty sure we will never get back together" and now its"I love you always will but the feelings just aren't there anymore. I spent the last three days in his town "just as friends", and got backtoday. Everything went pretty well, a little flirting, going out to dinners, dancing all that stuff... and I kept my composure until.... the drive to the airport when I flat out asked him if he was completely over me. He said the horrible I will always love yo and I am very attracted to you but I dont have those types of feelings for you anymore. I cant force them and we both knowit wouldnt work. Can this really happen???? I mean the amount of fun and attraction we had, the way he still looked at me with "those eyes" when I was getting dressed and putting on makeup.. I was his woman for four years. I understand why we had to break up at the time, I was in bad shape mentally,physically,emotionally. But after these painstaking seven months since I have worked my butt off and everyone has noticed the positive changes,even he did. So why if the reason he broke upwith me was becauseof all the things I have fixed and I look better than ever is he not intereseted. This is sooo painful. Someone pleaseenligen me or share a similar experience? Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisa1126 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 babysunshine, sometimes, feelings just evaporate. no matter how beautiful you may look, and how wonderful you are as a person, romantic feelings just don't last forever. i once read a study done on that and on average those "feelings" last about three years. after that is raw committment to stay together as a couple. so, you shouldn't wreck your brain over why he is no longer interested. you look around, a man may be with or be married to the most beautiful woman but that doesn't mean that they stick together permanently. why do you think the divorce rate is so high now days. just based on feelings, relationship just don't last. that's just the fact of life. please don't feel so devastated that he is no longer interested. it's nothing too unusual. feelings come, feelings go. i am sorry, i am not being very encouraging.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 No Lisa, very encouraging. I didn't even think to see it that way. It made me feel a little better to know the statistics but, I love him now more than ever. At the beggining of the relationship he was much more into me, and I took him for granted. Only now, that I see what I lost and the life he made for himself without me do I see what I truly am missing out on. (Not to say I didnt love him feverously during the relationship because I did). But come on, if you truly dont have any feelings for someone would you talk to them almost everyday,let them fly out to see you and show you the time of your life, I mean I am an EX girlfriend, he doesnt owe me anything. Maybe Im just in denial? Most of the people I brokeup with even though we stayed friends neither of us made an effort to do anything close to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Feelings do not in fact last forever. in fact, all feelings (emotional reactions) are fleeting and dissipate almost as soon as we experience them. They do in fact evaporate but we can create the same felling over and over again. It is our choice to do so depending on our view of our life situation. The reason we react to this statement in such an unpleasant way is because of the ego. We all have one and try to protect for self protective purposes since we erroneously feel that it is the real us. Nothing can be further from the truth. The statement made to us and reflection of some feeling towards us, cannot really do us any harm. But the ego takes it as a diminishing assault upon it self. The emotional reaction that ensues can be quite painful. By accepting that it is just someone else's thoughts, feelings, or words, and it is our reaction that actually causes us the pain, the suffering seems to subside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havefaith Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Hey girl I hate to be the bearer of bad news or something but I actually am a first hand example of someone who has gone through what your BF is feeling. I was soo very much in love with my high school sweetheart. However, things got so bad, he took my love away bit by bit, and now I really just do not have that same love for him anymore, despite the fact that he finally "woke up" and decided he wanted to give things a legit try. I still adore talking to him every day, I would fly anywhere to see him too. But I don't love him anymore. It's like I can't date him but I can't let go. I hate to tell you it sounds like this is where your boyfriend is. It's okay though, you don't have to feel bad about it -- it doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with you.. it just wasn't a fit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 Faith, is it because he hurt you so bad that the love went away? Even if he fixed the things that drove you apart you would never be able to see him in a different light? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havefaith Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Yes, I think it does have a lot to do with the pain. It was just realizing that someone who could treat me this way (it's not like he cheated on me or anything, he was just selfish and didn't make me a priority, took me for granted) wasn't really the one for me. That I could find someone who is a better fit, who does not feel like maintaining a relationship is a chore. While it's sometimes tempting to try to think of him that way again, it's like I stop myself because I know I can find a BETTER match this one. Also, his actions and the way he treated me don't make me proud of him. It made him less attractive to me for sure. I want to have someone I can look at in a crowded room and be ecstatic I'm theirs. He didn't do that for me anymore when he was treating me poorly. I don't know if it's that I CAN'T go back ... it's more like I just don't want to. Now if he came beating down my door, well, that would be a different story. But he isn't, and that's because most people don't change. And even if he did, I'd be very, very skeptical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenna981 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 babysunshine, sometimes, feelings just evaporate. no matter how beautiful you may look, and how wonderful you are as a person, romantic feelings just don't last forever. i once read a study done on that and on average those "feelings" last about three years. after that is raw committment to stay together as a couple. so, you shouldn't wreck your brain over why he is no longer interested. you look around, a man may be with or be married to the most beautiful woman but that doesn't mean that they stick together permanently. why do you think the divorce rate is so high now days. just based on feelings, relationship just don't last. that's just the fact of life. please don't feel so devastated that he is no longer interested. it's nothing too unusual. feelings come, feelings go. i am sorry, i am not being very encouraging.... I'm not sure that is the case for everyone, since it's usually just one person's feelings that fade while the other still has feelings even 3+ years later and winds up heartbroken, hence why message boards like this exist. If everyone's feeling started to fade in 3 years then there wouldn't be so many broken hearts. To the OP, you said you changed alot. Even if it is for the better, maybe he doesn't see you as the same person he fell in love with? Not that you should revert back to who you were in the beginning, just something I read, that they might still love the old you just not who you are now and they might not even realize it. My situation is a little similar to yours, falling into the friends zone, I know how much it hurts to hear they still care about you but just not in the same way and there's nothing they or you can do about it. It's good to hear you have made so many positive changes over the last few months, make sure you keep it up, don't let this get you down too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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