First chapter of my story.

[equinox]

This isn't a poem, it's fiction. However, I've seen stories in here before and it is my own work inspired by alot of things I have strong feelings on so hopefully it's all cool

 

Anyway, this is the first chapter of a story I'm working on. I'm really happy with the actual plot I've come up with (mostly the product of 5 to 6 years spent with no girlfriend and WAY to much idle imagination). The thing is, I'm at all sure I have the skill to write it. Thus, I'm posting a little segment of it here and, hopefully, I'll get some feed back.

 

It's Fantasy fiction and I'm looking for brutally honest opinions. I can take it

 

 

 

*********************************************************

 

 

Illis’Iyan, the jewel in the crown of the Empire. Its buildings wrought from the rock of Tirean by ancient elven masons, its streets wide and spacious and its walls high and thick. At its heart stood the mighty Temple of the Founding, with its pristine spire rising up from the city to pierce the sky like some great needle. Beneath this behemoth structure, spread throughout this city, were the enormous buildings and establishments of the Illisian Empire that saw to its governance and continued existence.

 

If a bird flew above this magnificent edifice of man and had the mind to reckon such things, it would see a vast circular span accross the green land of Tirean. All shining white stone, broken in parts only by lush park lands and sliced through the middle by the fast flowing waters of the Eispon River, the life blood of the city.

 

With such a wondrous city to behold, a stranger to these lands could be forgiven for thinking that all that dwell within the alabaster walls of Illis’Iyan had lifestyles that matched their home. This, however, was not the case for poverty existed within the heart of the Empire just as it did throughout its body.

 

Such it is that we begin our tale within the less magnificent parts of Illis,Iyan; the slums. Under the shadow of the northern wall was a part of the city that was very different from the rest. In the place of the wide airy walkways and structures of white stone, carved and shaped by masters, there were only wattle and daub homes set into narrow dark streets.

 

The unfortunate inhabits of this wretched place suffered greatly form it confines. Their lives were short and miserable, filled with long days of toil that served only to allow them to continue existence in such a sorry manner. It would seem likely that no one here could have any tremendous impact on our story but that would be an err of judgment.

 

Within the dark streets of this slum were two small children. They sat in a hollow off the walkway, covered by filthy blankets in a vain effort to keep out the chill. To look at them, a passer by would not think much. They seemed little more than simply another two hungry children that many of the cities more affluent citizens would prefer to pretend did not exist.

 

These children were related, twin siblings not more than four years old, a boy and a girl. Their short life story was a sorrowful one; orphaned at birth, denied a warm home, they were unwanted and survived on the charity of others. What part could two such beings play in the fate of the mighty Illisian Empire? Well we shall see in time.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

 

To the eye of a beholder, these small children shared a very similar outward appearance. Both had midnight black hair, pale skin and sky blue eyes set within deeply dark sockets. The girl had long hair that stretched behind her back; it also fell over her face, hiding it from view. The boy had short hair, his face was un covered yet marked in several spots by dirt and grime. He cradled his sister as she rested her head upon his chest while she slept.

 

Truth be told, these children were not long for this world. How could two small children survive alone in the dark and dangerous streets of a filthy slum? Indeed, they could not. Whatever meagre charity a passer-by might render these sorry creatures merely delayed the inevitable. However fickle the card that the gods of chance had dealt these children, their lot in the world of Alnimus was about to change.

 

 

 

 

 

Out of the gloom came three black robed figures, walking slowly towards the twins. Their faces were covered by their hoods and in the growing darkness it lent them a sinister air. The small boy saw them approach and looked down at the muddy street in hope that avoiding their gaze would avert any interest they may have had in his sister and himself.

 

However, these black clad figures that approached the twins did not ignore them. Instead they continued their advance until they had halted just besides the crouching children.

 

“Railis?” said the foremost of the newcomers, addressing the boy before him. The child did not answer immediately but he saw that the strangers were not going to leave him be by the unspoken will of his silence.

“Y-yes” he answered timidly. The strangers exchanged glances under their hoods. Then the newcomer to the right of the one that had spoken crouched down to near eye level with the boy.

 

“Railis, my boy” the stranger spoke, revealing the child her gender, a woman. “You are a hard child to find and we have been looking for you these past weeks. We went to the orphanage where we understood you and your sister to be but the matron told us you both had run away. Now why would you do that?”. To Railis’s ear, the woman sounded kind and gentle but the boy had learnt not to trust words so easily. How unfortunate it was that a child of his young age had seen so early in life that even the warmest of words can come from the coldest of hearts.

 

“We had to leave” he answered the woman, “they were hurting my sister”. He nodded in the direction of his still sleeping sibling. The woman drew back her hood. She looked to be perhaps in her late thirties yet her hair was still a rich auburn and her face showed few signs of aging. In fact, the only thing about her that would give her age away was the look of great wisdom, the type earned over years, behind her hazel eyes.

 

“They hurt your sister?” she asked inquisitively, reaching to brush the girls hair from her face. Her brother moved her back slightly and gave the woman a dark look. “Please, be at peace. I do not wish to hurt her” the woman reassured the child, seeing the expression on his face. The boy still however did not relax his tense posture. “Her name is Arifen, is that right?” asked the woman warmly Railis nodded and then after a moment he resumed a more at ease position. The woman smiled at him, “she is lucky to have a brother that cares so much for her”.

 

Brushing back the tangled raven hair from the child’s face, the woman was saw that the girls pretty young features were marred with several bruises. She immediately looked back at her companions who in turn exchanged looks. Before she could render any sentence on the subject, the young girl suddenly awoke and saw the three black clad adults staring at her. Giving a brief yelp of fear, the newly awoken child buried her head into her brothers chest who gripped her tightly in response.

 

“What do you want from us?” the boy demanded, suddenly frowning at the three strangers.

“Please, do not be afraid” the woman said, trying to calm the children. “Perhaps it is time to introduce ourselves. My name is Vasca Shial” she said. Then the two standing behind her drew back their hoods revealing that they were two men of what appeared to be close in age to the woman that called herself Vasca. “And these are my companions, Mathyus Deail and Asiaer Rosca” she said introducing the two men who nodded in greeting to the children.

 

Railis regarded each of the three adults in turn and was just about to speak when he noticed the pommel of a sword at the belt of the woman in front of him. “You’re soldiers?” he asked. The woman named Vasca shook her head.

“No my young friend, we are warriors, knights of the Order of the Founding. Perhaps you have heard of us” she said, knowing well that the child would have heard stories of her Orders deeds which were legendary throughout the Empire.

 

“Yes I’ve heard of you but why do you care about us?” can the boys reply. He continued to stare at them while still cradling his sister‘s quivering form, impressing the knights with his clear and unhidden desire to protect her despite him being just a child. Vasca took a breath and considered the child’s question before answering.

“It is a complicated subject to explain to you Railis. I can see you have wisdom beyond the mind of a child yet this is not the place to discuss the matter” she said. She then held her hand to the boy, “perhaps you would like to come with us and then we can tell you what you want to know”.

 

Railis looked at the knight’s proffered hand but did not move. “We can offer you a hot meal and a warm bed” Vasca said, hoping to temp the children into accepting her offer. Again the boy did not take her hand but instead voiced a question.

“Where do you want to take us?” he asked. Vasca smiled at him.

“A fair question my child” she said, “We wish to take you to our home, the Temple of the Founding”.

 

The mention of the intended destination of the knights sparked an interest in Railis, for he had heard many stories of the mighty fortress of The Empire’s finest warriors and he had wished greatly to see the building one day. With a nod, he finally took the woman’s hand and stood up.

 

His younger sister, however was not so quick to rise. Staying seated on the ground she held tightly to her brother’s hand. “Railis!!…” she whimpered through gathering tears, caused by an unvoiced fear of the knights. Railis knelt down to help her to her feet. He then whispered something into her ear that the knights could not hear but which seemed to have a calming effect upon the girl. She wiped her eyes in the sleeves of her dress and gripped her brother’s arm tightly while keeping her eyes on the ground in front of her. Then, together with the three knights, they set off down the street to whatever fate it may lend them.

 

 

 

 

Thus is was that two beings from the lowest level of life began a journey that would one day re-shape their world in ways neither of their young minds could fathom.

[angelclaw]

Ok, you have a decent writing style, but there are some things you need to avoid, like this sentence:

 

What part could two such beings play in the fate of the mighty Illisian Empire? Well we shall see in time.

 

The narrative itself should not ask these kinds of questions. Your imagery needs to be strong enough to evoke this question in the mind of the reader. Is it?

 

Out of the gloom came three black robed figures, walking slowly towards the twins. Their faces were covered by their hoods and in the growing darkness it lent them a sinister air. The small boy saw them approach and looked down at the muddy street in hope that avoiding their gaze would avert any interest they may have had in his sister and himself.

 

This is what I think of as the Aragorn cliche. I'm sure you've read Fellowship of the Ring, so I don't need to spell it out for you, but unless you're going to take the good-guys-who-initially-seem-like-bad-guys thing a whole lot further than the stereotypical "black-robed figures" in an alley, you should just drop the pretense altogether. It's not fooling anyone because it doesn't go anywhere, and it's already been done TO DEATH.

 

She looked to be perhaps in her late thirties yet her hair was still a rich auburn and her face showed few signs of aging. In fact, the only thing about her that would give her age away was the look of great wisdom, the type earned over years, behind her hazel eyes.

 

Another Tolkien cliche you really should avoid. Elven types in fantasy novels always get this kind of description - all the more reason to find a different way to say she looks young but she's really not, if you must say it at all.

 

The woman named Vasca shook her head.

“No my young friend, we are warriors, knights of the Order of the Founding. Perhaps you have heard of us” she said, knowing well that the child would have heard stories of her Orders deeds which were legendary throughout the Empire.

 

Rookie mistake. You shouldn't suddenly switch from the omniscient voice to an individual character's POV without at least a paragraph break. It's one of those little technical things that lets other writers know you're new at this. Sure, some really great writers can break those rules, but you're not there yet so don't do it.

 

With a nod, he finally took the woman’s hand and stood up.

 

His younger sister, however was not so quick to rise.

 

Here you've got two sentences where commas don't go. Take them out. The first sentence needs no comma. The second one, well, you really shouldn't have a comma if you want it to flow, but technically if you're going to put "however" in the middle of a sentence you need to have a comma before and after it. But it would sound better without them.

 

Thus is was that two beings from the lowest level of life began a journey that would one day re-shape their world in ways neither of their young minds could fathom.

 

This is another one of those expository moments that's just too much. Get rid of this whole sentence. I'm sure you've heard "show, don't tell" before, right? This is a perfect example of too much telling and too little showing. Let the rest of your story show what you mean; don't state the main theme like you're summarizing an essay.

 

Fantasy is a vastly overcrowded genre and very few writers do it with any kind of originality or style. To me anyway you've got to do a lot more than this to stand out in that landscape, but I realize you're just getting started, and you probably haven't been exposed to as much of this kind of thing as a jaded old witch like me You're fairly proficient in your writing itself, but it needs a little more "zip" if you want the fantasy audience to take notice of your work amidst the vast sea of Tolkien imitators and Dragonlance wannabes. Check out a book by James Frey called "How to Write a Damn Good Novel" - it tells you how to give your narrative the kind of energy that will get readers hooked from page one.

 

Also, try link removed. It's a site where you can post your writing for free (they have paid subscription levels, but if you stay below the minimum amount of "items" you post you never have to pay) and other writers will critique it. You'd probably get a lot more good advice if you posted this over there, and you'll be able to read what other aspiring fantasy writers are doing so it's easier to gauge how you stack up. It'll also give you a lot more examples of what NOT to do.

[equinox]

Thanks for such a detailed post, though I didnt' notice it until this afternoon