Totally spinning out of control (long)

[thejigsup]

Jeeze! Have you two tried counseling? I think she has a problem that may be helped with joint counseling. With kids involved it's worth a shot. She is sad about something and that is why she uses the other guys, as an escape valve. For your marriage's sake, find out what it is and help her, your kids, and yourself.

[King5]

im set to go next week...she wont go

 

I'm hoping that if I keep going i might be able to pull her in.

 

For the kids sake there should at least be an attempt....I also want to stop reading her private emails, but until I feel i can trust her...I just cant

[caro33]

I agree with the poster who said you need to document this. Save it somewhere, print it out. You never know when you might need it. This situation is ridiculously out of control, and she is too.

 

Some questions:

1) How old are the kids, and how much is this situation worth saving for their sakes? Do you think they will ever see their parents happy and normal again while you guys try and work this out?

2) Is she having some kind of breakdown?

 

This sounds beyond marital counselling to me, she needs to help her own behaviour first. She needs to want to. You sound some way away from that. Can you guys have a time to separate and think things through? Is that workable at all?

 

BTW I know your brother wants to help, but he has been working at basically invalidating your feelings about this. What she has been doing has been off from the outset. She is not doing the equivalent of watching porn, she has been lying to you and disrespecting herself and her marriage. It is perfectly reasonable for you to not be okay with this. The whole thing is actually pretty simple. No, you should not be snooping on her. But what she has been doing has totally outweighed your bad behaviour.

[King5]

Kids are 5 & 7

 

She keeps referring to herself being in the dirty 30's. To me and to her friend.

 

To get to your other points I want her to want me too. But at this point I'm getting really fed up. I have the longest temper in the world and pamper this crap out of her. Through me leaning on my closest friends I've learned that none of them feel she treats me very well and they all think she has a VERY low self-esteem.

 

She is highly stressed right now about her life dream coming real in about 3 weeks.

 

who knows...i just keep reading and copying

[caro33]

Yes, I think that her behaviour is symptomatic of much bigger issues that have nothing to do with you. The issue for you is perhaps whether you decide she is worth it - no matter what she does, no matter how she pushes you away - and you do your utmost to get her to work on her issues and sort her stuff out, or whether you say enough is enough and end this.

 

I would not know what I would do: I think the marriage vows and presense of children require a real effort from you to decide if she is able to be helped, and if she will help herself. Your role is also first and foremost to be an advocate for the children, and do whatever is required to give them a safe and harmonious home life. However, I also think that marriage does not require us to be doormats, and children will not flourish in a home with two parents if the parents are cruel to one another, or even indifferent to one another.

 

If she has no plan to change her behaviour then I would suggest there is nothing you can do for now to make her change it. But what do you think - can you break through to her? I think this is much more than her not having sleazy encounters with other people by the way, this is about her coming to the table and acting in a way which is worthy of herself, and the trust and love of her husband and her children.

[King5]

had a heart to heart with her and got more on her from what she is doing.

 

She knows that i don't agree with it. She said it is pure fantasy since it'sjust words. "Why should it matter? Nothing physical is happeneing its just dirty talk". And she feels that we have different opinions on lots of things. That her interpretation of sex is just that...sex. And I see it as love. That she would never have sex with someone other then me, but that if I did she wouldn't condem me as long as I come home to her.

 

This was all kinda weird

[caro33]

Was this always her attitude toward sex and sexual talk with others?

[King5]

well the talk part is new since she wasn't the most techie of ppl.

 

Sex part....pretty close, although she never has that blunt in her choice of words.