Totally spinning out of control (long)

[King5]

OK...so I snooped...BIG time snooped

 

 

I have opened pandora's box and now I can't close it.

 

I am jealous, and from what my brother has recently told me very controling, and hacked my wifes laptop. Got all of her passwords and have been reading her facebook and email messages back and forth to a childhood friend that she recently found on facebook, ugh thanks to me, he lives 4 states away with his girlfriend of 8 years.

 

It went from friendly banter, to some flirtations to out right cybersex. It even progressed to the erotic chat causing my wife to sneak into our room for a session with a toy of hers.

 

3 weeks time.

 

We are now at the 6 week mark.

 

Last year I hacked and saw her emails to our lawyer...all flirting and saying how lonely she was in our marriage. We went tou counciling for that one but I was told that if I hack again then we are over.

 

When I started freaking out this time she changed all her passwords, sadly that couldn't stop me, and we kidna had it out. I told her that she is spending too much time chatting a guy that is driving me nuts. She said he is an old friend and nothing is going on (lie) and that she changed her passwords because she doesn't trust me. She also reminded me that if I snooped we were over, after almost 11 years and with 2 kids.

 

This crap is getting worse and worse now, partner counts and now there are 5 guys after me?!?

 

Last Tuesday she was out with her brother is a major city 2 hours away. She called me up kinda drunk for his party and told me to stop worrying, that I was the only man for her and that if she was chatting with him and it went over the line....who cares....it's just like porn for the brain and she comes home to me everynight. That I am the only man she can see spending the rest of her life with and that talking with him was just fun.

 

Here is my brothers advice, he is trying to focus his rehab training towards me as we was an alchoholic that has been dry for 2+ years.

 

He said first and foremost I need to back off. That this is all fantasy for her, as evidenced MANY times as to appearance, clothing, actions, etc.

 

Second he said that I cannot control her. I can only control myself and that the more I read the more I punish myself. That I have to have faith in God, not overly religious am I, and that if she ever crosses that line I will have more support then I can imagine.

 

He asked if I was ready to confront and end our marriage...I said no. His reply was then for me to relax...go minute by minute and stop reading.

 

 

but I can't

[King5]

His .05 reading on my wife:

 

She is a stay at home mom, has a lot of time on her hands, over weight. She is a very flirtatious person that is looking for "naughty" attention to feel sexy about herself. He said ALL she is doing is acting out what people pay $$$ for for a 900 numbers.

 

She is very loving to me, always has been, and a wonderful mother. She is however a wildchild..

[Jelina]

You don't trust her and most likely never will, do you think you'll be able to deal with this for the rest of your life?

[King5]

the simple answer is no

 

I wonder if this has really been at the core of my weight loss over the last 2 months...I thought it was my working out.

 

I guess you could say I am close to rock bottom, I have no faith or trust in her.

 

However...I have faith, hope, that if they met face to face nothing would happen.

[bellanicola003]

Wow! Do you think you can look past this? In my mind...it all depends on what you constitute as cheating? Is cyber sex cheating to you? I will keep you in my prayers.

[King5]

 

 

 

My brother said NO WAY is it cheating in his book. I bring him up because my wife and him are VERY similar.

 

He said its a release, who cares...he said she is acting out and in her mind she isn't hurting me becasue there is no way I can know about it. She has told the guy MANY MANY times that if I ever found out there would be catastrophic consequences. He agreed on his end to and they agreed that since they would never see each other why not just have fun.

 

**real time update**

 

He called his councilor from rehab, 2 years now, and she said that I either

 

a) Have to confront her because I can hurt myself if I keep doing this

 

or

 

b) Stop logging in and have blind faith

 

those are my only options and I need to realize that since I will continue down the spiral.

[King5]

also tempted to call the guy and ask him to stop..very very very very tempted.

 

Considering I tracked him down, his girlfriend, their home address, home phone and I know where she works now...sadly I know how to find people in real life so this took 5 minutes

[King5]

1 last thing about my wife...she is a published author

 

My brother said this is just porn man...would you really be mad if you walked in on her in the bedroom watching a porno touching herself. She is using her own words to create fantasy.

 

Now I am fine...totally fine....until I read it...then I backslide and crash.

[Hollyj]

This woman is emotionally cheating on you, this is not acceptable-Cyber sex is almost as bad as a full blown affair .

 

I'm sorry to say this but you're brother is a fool and doesn't know what he's talking about!

[greensleeves]

This crap is getting worse and worse now, partner counts and now there are 5 guys after me?!?

 

What do you mean there are five guys after you?

[King5]

just stupid crap where she was with 5 guys after me...I hate tonight

[amure]

wow, what a jam your in bro

 

i think you should

 

a) absolutley SNAP. let it all out, and go crazy till you wear yourself out emotionaly and physicaly in a healthy envoriment.

 

b) take her off the pedistle. dont hold her as high as you would to a faithful wife who loves you very much and wouldnt cheat ect...

 

c) get used to a life without her

 

then when all these come into plan, confront her and give her. the rest is all on her

 

all in all, prepare yourself mentaly for the worst.

 

good luck man

[greensleeves]

just stupid crap where she was with 5 guys after me...I hate tonight

 

Well, if she has been with five guys since you've been together (which is what I get from this), I think her having cyber sex is the least of your problems Is that what you are saying in this post?

[Rabican]

You are right you cannot control her. You can however, control what you are willing to put up with. And I will tell you what, I went through something similar... And if my girl was having cybersex with another man, and had the AUDACITY, the STONES!!! to tell me that if I snooped, we were over... wow man lemme tell ya. She would be out the door before the words left her mouth.

 

Your wife does not respect you. She has told you as much in her own words, which says simply: I will do what I want, and If you find out about it... you have two choices either a: I leave you, or b: you put up with it.

 

Theres nothing respectful, loving, or caring about what shes doing. Its an outright violation of your marriage, and her supposed respect for you. I would not put up with it. I would kick her to the curb.

 

However, if you want to try again (bad idea) to fix this, tell her what you know, how you know and simply that you will NOT put up with it again. I would start by smashing her laptop into a million pieces and telling her the next time she even thinks about talking to another guy that you do not personally know, and trust, that shes out the door. Im not much of a diplomat as you can see.....

[Rabican]

also tempted to call the guy and ask him to stop..very very very very tempted.

 

Considering I tracked him down, his girlfriend, their home address, home phone and I know where she works now...sadly I know how to find people in real life so this took 5 minutes

 

1. Is it cheating to you? IF so then its cheating. Who cares what your brother things. He is not you, and if you dont have the same values... then you dont have the same values.

 

If its an outright lie, a viloation of your trust, if its making you lose all respect in your wife etc. etc... then you can bet your @$$ thats its cheating man.

 

Furthermore, calling the guy.... hmmm if you are going to do that I would not ask politely to stop having cybersex with my wife. It would be more of a if I have to have this conversation with you ever again you are going to be in a world of hurt conversation.

 

Right now you are acting the doormat. All this is going on behind your back, you know about it... and you are thinking of calling the guy and saying hello kind sir, could you please stop trying to bed my wife? Pretty please? Ah... man up dude, that might get you somewhere. Being a doormat will not.

 

I know Im being a little harsh on ya.... but thats what these situations require if you ask me.

 

I went the doormat route once, trust me... confronting the issue like a bull, head on is best.

[King5]

Well * * * * has hit the fan

 

1) I kept reading and literally snapped

 

2) Called him and told him to back the * * * * off my wife

 

3) he called her and told her and she is ready for a divorce right now

 

4) She said she did it, it was fun, she knew I knew, and that I was a controlling bastard that was evil and had ruined her life

 

 

 

Well...I learned never fight like this when the kids are up. I think this is through

[King5]

thigns are so weird right now

 

she said she hates me, I stop her from being happy and the person she can become.

Lots of hatefull stuff like that

 

Then when I lay down to sleep on the couch she comes out and says she cant sleep and wants me back there and then falls asleep holding my hand.

 

All last night she wanted me out of the house...she comes back from the doc today and now I can't leave her....

 

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

[AmIafool]

This is absolutely SURREAL. She's cheating on you. You had every right to find out who you're really married to. And now you're the evil b*st*rd? How can you even begin to accept this twisted logic? She's getting away with murder, and because you found out, she's making you the bad guy. Unbelievable! I just want to wring her neck after reading your posts.

 

She wants a divorce? Fine. She can have it. You're way too good for her. Just make sure you keep the proof of her cyber cheating and other affairs and take that to a good divorce lawyer.

 

This is for the best. It appears she has a history of this type of behavior, and it isn't going to change. You will always be on pins and needles wondering what's going on, and then spying on her only to find out your worst fears are real. Do you want to keep living like this?

 

As for your brother's perspective - I wouldn't take it to heart since you say he and your wife are a lot alike. He's comparing it to porn - this is actually worse than porn. She is interacting with real people who she could potentially meet up with. Merely watching porn is not an interactive thing. When guys go to to porn sites with webcam girls and start interacting with them, many wives who tolerate porn consider that crossing the line.

 

Many, many people consider cybersex cheating, and you are not abnormal for reacting to it the way you have. I would say not many spouses would find that tolerable, even if their SO tried to justify it as "just a fantasy."

[King5]

unbelieveable

 

 

we just took the kids shopping for school supplies

 

she asked a couple of questions and then asked if I needed travel supplies.

 

"Am I leaving when we get home?"

 

"No...we're still going away for the weekend...right?"

 

 

uhhhhhhhhhhhh * * * ?!?

[greensleeves]

just stupid crap where she was with 5 guys after me...I hate tonight

 

You still haven't really explained this comment. Has she cheated on you with five men?

[King5]

sorry...no

 

it was in her "fantasy 'I'm a dirty * * * * * who slept with more people then you' story" to the other guy

[bostonbruins24]

I don't think calling the guy was the right move .Your wife is the one who is going behind your back.If it wasn't him ,it would likely be some other guy. It's your life but I know I wouldn't put up with the kind of behaviour she is displaying.

[greensleeves]

Just make sure you keep the proof of her cyber cheating and other affairs and take that to a good divorce lawyer.

 

I agree with the above. Even is you're unsure of what step to take next, if nothing else, start to document everything. You have kids, so you may be in for a custody battle at some point in the future. Print anything you can from her online activities and start a journal of all of her unpredictable and crazy behaviour. My view is that she's treating you very poorly and you should end the relationship, but realistically it could take you awhile to get out of the situation, especially since there are children involved. Get your finances in order and make sure she doesn't clean out any bank accounts etc. If you have any joint credit card accounts, I'd put some sort of hold on them immediately so that she can't run up expenses on them. The fact that she told you to leave and is now acting like nothing happened is a red flag...I think she's stalling for time.

[King5]

I have a connection to the head legal council for a prominent web company. He is looking into the legalities for my state on copies of email transcripts in a divorce proceeding.

 

I also have a copy of her chatting with said friend, today!, asking for some weed...

[King5]

wow....im an idiot

 

she appologized to me...

 

this is a quote from him in one of their many emails today "You think we're still being monitored?"

 

"Yea...but if I put out enough he'll ease up..."

 

 

i have a KEEPER there