thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Me and my ex had been together on and off for 5 years, we've known each other 20. We broke up last year in April and in that time he got a girl pregnant. We had been in LC all the while and maybe 2 or 3 months in the beginning of this year NC. In May we got back together and he told me to give him 30 days to get the other girl out of his house, when it didn't happen I cut him off. A month later we started talking again and he told me that he had made a mistake with this girl, but that she did have his child now and that he loved me and if I could just give him sometime he would make things right. I took him back and during the month and a half he was great to me. He was doing things that he had never done and I could see he was making an effort but it wasn't enough I couldn't get over the fact that she was still there. Long story short this Monday I broke up with him telling him what the reason was and I told him I couldn't be with him or in contact with him as long as she was there. He told me he understood. He was really upset, and I have not heard from him since. He bought me a car in June for my bday, and I don't think it's right to keep it, so I need to get in contact with him so that I can get him the titles and stuff, but I was hoping he would contact so that I could take care of it then, instead of me calling. I know I did the right thing but I feel so embarrassed for getting in this mess, but worse I love him and I hope that me totally leaving him will make him do what needs to be done in order for us to be together. Needless to say I am not very optimistic about this... Any advice or opinions would be great.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I am not clear what it is that he was doing that you didn't want him to. I take you didn't want him to sever all contact with the mother of his child? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Sorry if I wasn't clear but the issue is, he told me to give him sometime to for her to get on her feet and get her own place (her and the baby are living with him). I couldn't handle the fact that she was there so I broke up with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jelina Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 So what exactly is the problem now? Is she still there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 So what exactly is the problem now? Is she still there? As far as I know yes, we just broke up Monday... He asked me what he should do. Could he call me after she is gone? I haven't heard from him since so I would say she still is. he feels he made a mistake about her, but her feelings are still there for him. My take is she won't go easily, and he's not the kind of person to just throw her out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellanicola003 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 So, while he was dating you again, she had his baby and was still living with him? Did she know about you two or was he keeping your relationship a secret? Do you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I can see he might be between a rock and a hard place on that one. He can hardly thrown her out in the street, particularly since she has the baby- but he also doesn't want to lose you. Do you trust him? I mean do you trust that he isn't having sex or a relationship with her any longer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 So, while he was dating you again, she had his baby and was still living with him? Did she know about you two or was he keeping your relationship a secret? Do you know? When she had the baby we weren't dating, she just had the baby in maybe April I am not sure. We were in LC but not seeing each other. Anyhow towards the end of her pregnancy she went through his phone and found some texts he had sent me so I would say no she didn't know about me until the end. Eventhough he said with both of us on the phone that she did. He kept telling me that he had already told her that he didn't think they would work out because of some differences that they had, he said that when he decided that they needed to break up he did it with the thought that I had already moved on and that he would be by himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 I can see he might be between a rock and a hard place on that one. He can hardly thrown her out in the street, particularly since she has the baby- but he also doesn't want to lose you. Do you trust him? I mean do you trust that he isn't having sex or a relationship with her any longer? That's why we broke up. I just can't do it. I can't trust him. This situation was driving him crazy, really I feel like I did him a favor to take some pressure off him. He was really upset Monday when I broke up with him. He was really trying.. I just couldn't do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Well, if you can't trust him when they are living together then I assume you would not be able to trust him when she has her own place and he visits the bay. I think it's a great shame. He seems like he is trying to do the right thing under very difficult circumstances. I take it he doesn't have a lot of money? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Well, if you can't trust him when they are living together then I assume you would not be able to trust him when she has her own place and he visits the bay. I think it's a great shame. He seems like he is trying to do the right thing under very difficult circumstances. I take it he doesn't have a lot of money? No, he doesn't have a lot of money, and I would trust him if she was gone. It's just that everyone in my family knows about this, I guess I am embarrassed about this.(hence the title) and I guess I am trying to protect myself from being hurt (just in case things don't work out the way I hoped). I love him and I know he loves me. I feel betrayed by him for because I feel this shouldn't have happened, but it has. He didn't cheat on me this was a classic rebound situation gone wrong. I guess I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Well, to be honest with you I am not sure that you are doing the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellanicola003 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I agree, this is a touchy one. My understanding is that you broke up, he hooked up with this girl, got her pregnant, she moved in, and then he realized he was still in love with you? correct? How long were you broken up before she got pregnant and did they live together before she got pregnant or move in together to do the right thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Well, to be honest with you I am not sure that you are doing the right thing. I figured that, what do you suggest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 I agree, this is a touchy one. My understanding is that you broke up, he hooked up with this girl, got her pregnant, she moved in, and then he realized he was still in love with you? correct? How long were you broken up before she got pregnant and did they live together before she got pregnant or move in together to do the right thing? We were broken up a couple of months when she got pregnant, and yes he said he realized he was still in love with me but she was already pregnant. She moved in after getting pregnant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I think that you need to decide if you can trust him - the fact he is in the same house doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex any more than her not being there means they are not. There is a 'temptation' and proximity factor it is true but it is also true that people can resist temptation especially if they have good reason. If you can trust him then you need to ask him to work out a plan for them to live in separate places as soon as possible. That mean figuring out money, costs, child support, first and last months rent etc. All that entails but most importantly - that there is a time scale for all this to happen - what needs to be achieved by what date. Even if that might be longer than you would like because of finances - it would still mean that you have a goal in sight - something to work towards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 I have thought about all this. I hurt him Monday when I broke up with him. What if he won't talk to me? I guess I wouldn't blame him.. I am scared he will reject me. I thought he would have contacted me by now, but he hasn't. Do you think that I should just wait for him to contact me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellanicola003 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I think you should contact him and tell him that you're sorry you backed away a bit, but that you are very uncomfortable with the situation as it is and that some changes need to be made if you're going to be a couple. I would give him a time, like DN said and see if he can make it work...if not then, I would cut your loses and move on. I know though, easier said than done. It's perfectly understandable why they moved in together - to coparent, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way, especially if he's in love with you. In that case they should live separately. Just know though that if you stay in this with him that you will have to deal with the baby's mom all through this and worrying when he goes to get the baby, see the baby, etc. Do you really feel you can trust him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 I can handle the situation once she is gone. I have a child from someone that I am not with and I don't mess with him at all, so I know it's possible to have a child but not a relationship with the person. I just have a problem with her living there. I also don't want to say I can do this and then for some reason I can't and hurt him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I have thought about all this. I hurt him Monday when I broke up with him. What if he won't talk to me? I guess I wouldn't blame him.. I am scared he will reject me. I thought he would have contacted me by now, but he hasn't. Do you think that I should just wait for him to contact me? No - you broke up with him. He may reject you of course but that is a risk you must take if you want him back. Just say that you acted out of emotion but having thought things through you realise you love him and want to try and work things out in a better way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellanicola003 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Ok, but for what reason wouldn't be able to do it? Do you mean if she doesn't move out? What would be your reasons if she did move out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Ok, but for what reason wouldn't be able to do it? Do you mean if she doesn't move out? What would be your reasons if she did move out? I mean what if we had a plan and everything just like DN suggested and then I didn't have the patience to stick it out. I sent him a text asking him if we could talk and he just said "yes" , I sent back that I miss him, and that I was wrong and I was sorry. I am waiting for him to reply to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I mean what if we had a plan and everything just like DN suggested and then I didn't have the patience to stick it out. I sent him a text asking him if we could talk and he just said "yes" , I sent back that I miss him, and that I was wrong and I was sorry. I am waiting for him to reply to that.The patience will not be easy - but you will need to tell him you will need his understanding and reassurance - just as he will need your understanding and forbearance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellanicola003 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Yes, be patient...that's something I'm learning to do right now myself - it's not easy let me tell ya, BUT it will pay off in the end I'm sure, for you too! Stop texting too, get together and tell him how you feel and do this face to face. If you both love one another, then you must be in this together, create a united front. But do tell him that you need a lot of reassurance from him as well, because this isn't easy for you either, but that your love for him is what keeps you standing beside him. Always be honest with your feelings and let them out...you may be sorry one day that you hadn't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Yes, be patient...that's something I'm learning to do right now myself - it's not easy let me tell ya, BUT it will pay off in the end I'm sure, for you too! Stop texting too, get together and tell him how you feel and do this face to face. If you both love one another, then you must be in this together, create a united front. But do tell him that you need a lot of reassurance from him as well, because this isn't easy for you either, but that your love for him is what keeps you standing beside him. Always be honest with your feelings and let them out...you may be sorry one day that you hadn't! Yes after I texted him and he replied that he would come and talk to me. I said that if it was gone be bad that he could just tell me now. He wrote back that it wasn't bad and that he would be here a little later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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