jlang Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 i'm finding it hard to deal with my boyfriends laidback attitude towards his ex girlfriends. he's friends with every single one(and are all regular players in his life because he allows them to be), and i've made my peace with that as i know he's never cheated and never will(we were platonic friends for 8 years before we got together). however. we were driving along the street past a bus stop and he spots an ex he hasnt seen or talked to in 10 years. he swerves the car into a side street beside the stop - and verbally debates with himself whether to go speak to her! then asks me if i think it's appropriate! i naturally say no - and he doesn't get why i'm not happy. he then says oh well i'll just contact her on bebo to which i say i would rather he didn't. today he changes his relationship status on his bebo page to being in one(with me) , so i go to leave a nice message about it - and find a reply from this ex to a message he's sent (the comments are openly on the page for everyone to read). the paranoid part of me thinks he changed the status on the site so i couldnt get angry about him contacting her. the rational side says he's just curious about seeing what she's like now. we are generally very open about our feelings etc, but the ex girlfriend thing seems to get his back up whenever i broach how uncomfortable he makes me feel. not only uncomfortable, but what i think doesnt matter. we need to talk about it, but i dont know how without seeming possesive or shrill, or both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I would understand if he were friends with just one but there are safety in numbers. If he is friends with all of them I doubt that you have cause for concern that he wants them back and will dump you if one of them wants him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I feel the same as OP in my relationships. I don't think exes should be anywhere in the picture. Once you have been with someone sexually, there will always be a lingering fantasy somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LYC Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I feel the same as OP in my relationships. I don't think exes should be anywhere in the picture. Once you have been with someone sexually, there will always be a lingering fantasy somewhere. I completely agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 i also think i'm angry as he went and contacted her anyway, it makes me feel insignificant. i don't want trumpeting heralds of our love or anything, just to know that the past is the past and i am somewhere in his future, he just doesnt seem to be able to let go of anything... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronte Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 My boyfriend is huge on the idea of being friends with all his exes (save one, the one he had his first serious relationship with, and I think the No Contact there is her idea, not his). He has a kind of "White Knight" complex that would cause him to feel really guilty about "abandoning" any of them. I've come to accept it as part of his psychological makeup but it does definitely bother me at times--especially since the girl he dated while we were broken up for a bit is still on the scene giving him rides to the airport and that kind of thing. (We're long-distance and she lives in the same town he does.) So, I don't have any advice, but I can definitely sympathize! I do figure that as long as it's ALL his ex-girlfriends and not one in particular and he's "friends" with them just in a casual way--occasional AIM chats, Facebook messages, etc.--I don't have anything to worry about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jettison Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 The irony is that this is the sort of thing that one might use as amunition to justify ultimately breaking up with someone. "He would have left me for someone else." So, you leave him. But then don't you end up doing exactly what you feared the most out of him? So who ends up being the one that should have been the most concerned or worried that their partner would leave them? The one who voiced their abandonment issues, or the one who actually abandoned the other? At least, this is how a relationship I had a few years ago turned out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Do you trust him?Do you feel inferior to these exes?You might be creating unnecessary drama here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 i think since you feel deep down he wouldn't cheat, you should go with that gut feeling. if you were suspicious of him, then i would tell you to trust that gut feeling too. since he's changed his status publicly, and he tells you about them, etc.... i'd just assume it's not anything beyond friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 yeah i think everything is pointing to doing the rational, understanding thing - it's just hard fighting against instinct. he's truly a good person, i wouldn't be with him otherwise. having been his friend for all these years, i think ive found something wonderful - i just don't want to share a bed (figuratively) with all his past girlfriends - and have him understand that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger007 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 From my own personal experience I consider that a very bad sign, my last ex was like that, and now he has a new g/f and once we resumed our friendship he was very flirtatious with me. I later found out that's how he always was with everyone, it doesn't matter whether he has a g/f or not he'll flirt with anyone because of insecurities to see what he can get. I pity his new g/f and know that I once was the g/f pitied by people who knew how he really was and saw his act. I am good friends with some of my exes and don't feel attracted to them so I'd base any decision on how are the relationships he has with those exes (flirty, non-flirty, sexual tension etc). I know your situation is different because you've known him for a long time. I would say make sure that you're respecting yourself, and don't let him disrespect you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I guess I am going to be the voice of dissent. To me, if a guy is able to stay friends with his ex's whether he is the dumper OR dumpee, says A LOT about him. Personally, I would think he would be a guy with a good heart, to not just dump someone and then kick them out of his life. Most people are not like that. They dump and run. It shows he has a sense of responsibility. If he was the DUMPEE, it shows that he has a sense of forgiveness that he can forgive the person who dumped him, and stay friends with her. Not everything is so black and white as to say, "hey, he's friends with all his ex's and that's a big red flag of him wanting back with them". Sometimes it's just as simple as "he's a caring guy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 he does tell me he's happy with me, and he does make me happy. but when he talks about his exes, he becomes very,very enthused. he does tend to be enthused about a lot of things, but surely he cant be so naive as to not understand boundaries and respect. i feel horrible for even trying to tell him i dont feel like he does when it comes to this issue as he's wonderful in every other aspect... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 what do you think is crossing the boundaries? what are your boundaries? is he ok with you hanging out with exes or male friends? does he hang out with his exes and you and their new bfs aren't invited? would you be ok double dating with the ex and her new bf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 You need to figure out a way of convincing yourself that he is telling you the truth and you do that by understanding how he really feels about these women. Alternatively, you accept that you can't deal with these situations. I myself cannot, I had a relationship break up recently over my SO being friends with exes. I personally do not believe it is possible as one of the people will have some feelings, the more people there are the more likely someone has something lingering. I suspect men are more like this than women as women tend to turn off and become naive about the men in their life but not everyone is like this. So, figure out 1 or 2 above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 What is your concern exactly? I understand you talk about respect and boundaries but that isn't really what is bothering you I suspect. Are you worried that he might cheat with one of them? Are you worried he finds one or more of them more attractive than you? Do you feel you are having to compete in some way with them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aviatormy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 My gf was friends with a few of her ex BF's. After I hung out with them once or twice I saw how they looked at her. They were obviously not ready to accept the fact that she has moved on. They would also call her or text her late at night. Finally I told her that it was either them or me. I said "they had their chance to be in your life and for some reason or another, they screwed it up". I seriously doubt that he can have a great enough friendship with each and every one of his ex's. I can see one or two of his ex's that maybe were from a few years back and they were just better off as friends but to have him still be in contact with all of them??? There is at least one of those girls that he is still attracted to in some sort of way and vice versa. Be careful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 i guess some of what you said comes into it. i've always had to compete for attention when it comes to people i care about - family etc so having to prove im worthy enough is a big deal to me. so it doesn't take freud to see that this is part of the issue. the respect thing is about acknowledging that as i am his girlfriend, he should respect my feelings - not treat them as if they are insignificant. he's had problems with my ex contacting me. we've talked(at great length) about it and i've reassured him that i in no way harbour feelings, or intend to keep in contact. i don't expect him to cut these women from his life as that would be unreasonable. but to not even allow me to voice my fears without them being belittled just feels unfair. we're open about everything else, and we have great back and forth. i don't get why this is the one thing he won't listen to me on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 the respect thing is about acknowledging that as I am his girlfriend, he should respect my feelings - Well be careful with this one. Respecting feelings is one thing but saying "I feel this so you must do that" is not necessarily very wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness_Falls Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Hey, I understand why you would be feeling insecure when your bf is friends with all his exes. Do you know them, have you met them? Have you seen how they act around each other? That will usually be a good way to see if there are any feelings or not. I was best mates with one of my exes and my boyfriend was fine with it. (My ex's gf cut me out of his life, she was REALLY insecure and controlling though). I'm also friends with a few other exes and hang out with them, with or without my boyfriend there. He is comfortable with that though as he has met them and trusts me. Also, he is friends with pretty much all his exes too and will speak to them from time to time. I have talked to a couple and they are nice. One crossed the line slightly with a comment on a social network site and I made sure my boyfriend knew about it. Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is that this is a situation that you probably won't be able to change. I know I wouldn't stop talking to the ex's I'm friends with (unless they were being inappropriate or something) because they are my friends. I also wouldn't stop my boyfriend speaking to his exes unless they did something bad. Do you think you can accept these exes? Or is it too much baggage for you to handle? I know not everyone can handle it. Maybe talk to your boyfriend about how uncomfortable you are and he can probably reassure you. Also, don't get sucked into checking his social network profiles all the time, it doesn't do anyone any favours!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 i think, for the moment it's best to stand back from it. not the relationship but the whole 'ex-file'. i'm pretty much torturing myself over something that may well be innocent as it's easy to get worked up over all the things that friendships with exes implies. as you say caution may be the best course of action for the moment at least. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 having got a handle on my insecurities about the exes, i was knocked for 6 the other night. we were out on date night, heading to a restaurant hand in hand for a belated birthday dinner(his). a girl later revealed to be known from a website he met her on, ran up to us, pulled his hand from mine and gave him a massive hug (her hands rested on his bum) - sticking to my guns i stayed quiet. she asked him out right in front of me! he then introduced me as his girlfriend - which prompted being totally ignored by her. then later when we were in the restaurant i asked who she was only to be accused of jealousy. i feel so confused now - what am i to do? Stay quiet when women blatantly come on to him in front of me? It's one thing being understanding about having a friendly boyfriend, but another to have women openly trying to get him to go on dates? I'm consciously trying to change my insecure ways, but how do i deal with things like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Did he accept the date? Doesn't sound like it - and then he introduced you as his girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlang Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 being introduced as the girlfriend was fine. i was peed off, but not too bothered about his reaction - he didnt accept it or forget i was there. but then to be met with shouting in a public place when i literally asked who she was just floored me. i'm not sure how to handle it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripples Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 This is nuts. As your bf he should respect your feelings. He isnt and that is a very large red flag that you should address. No ifs, no buts. Set your boundaries and get this creep in line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.