King5 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 When is it too much? Where do you find the strength to destroy your children's lives? I keep asking myself these two questions and search for the answers. I know now that I will never trust her again...ever. Nothing is that simple though. She says she sees me go hot and cold towards her in the span of 10 minutes and that she can't handle it anymore. But she has too....she herself said that she has no options. I don't let her passed my walls anymore, I can't. I know now that there is something wrong with us. That something is missing that she finds in emailing other men. She hates me, she says she loves me. Even tells the other guys that she loves me and that if I found out it would have catastophic consequences. The part of me that feels bad for her wonders if she ever had enough love growing up. If she is trying to get as much "love" as possible. Hoarding it hoping to fill up the holes of her youth. But I doubt it. I'm just the saftey zone. I offer her a lifestyle that she can'timagine giving up. Some days I wonder if I'll snap and just not go home. Others I hit a bar on the way home for a quick drink. Most I just come home and hide with our kids, my kids. Wondering if a day will come when I have scheduled time with them. Then that though makes me resolve I can make it through another day. Sacrifice for them, I say, love them....put them at #1. Rambling...sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki71 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I am in the same boat. Just we have already figured the hurt has gone on to long. I can say nothing is going to be easy. It's hell and I'm sorry your feeling they same as me. I couldn't get past the trust issue and it eat me up inside till I couldn't think or act normal. I beg you if neither of you want to go to this please seek help don't be like me and let it destory everything. I wish I could have press rewind and did it all diferntly but I can't. I wish you the best but I know it seems hopeless. The kids are stronger then we think it is better for them in the long run if you can't fix this so they can get normalicy in there lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 King, I am going to PM you some links that I posted here so you can read the responses. My son is now doing quite well, better than me in fact. Read them when you get a chance, you might find something in them that might help. There are to many just like us on here..... lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 You and your wife's kids' are never YOUR kids. Unless they're been grossly mistreated and you've been arwarded sole custody- even then they are only YOURS until they grow up and make their own decisions. Anyhow, if you can't trust your wife EVER again- it's not going to work. Now before you decide you have to leave make sure nothing will help (ie counselling, and her willingness to stop whatever sort of interactions she's having with these men) and if that is the case you must divorce. As a child of divorced parents- it doesn't have to be all bad. In fact it was worse when they were together, kids are small, young, cute, but not stupid. I can remember as far back as I can remember and I knew they (my parents) weren't happy. Even if you don't fight/ argue in front of them- they still know you 2 are not happy. If they're so young as in toddlers, no they don't know but they will grow up quickly and see. Don't stay becasue of them... leave for them... you 2 will have to be civil on the times you hand over kids- that shouldn't be THAT difficult seeing how you wouldn't be living together and in eachothers company nearly as much. I wish my parents did it when we were smaller... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 All I can say is sorry. Life can be so unfair. Keep on fighting the good fight, when it's done, it's done. You can't fix a marriage that has been broken for far too long by yourself. If she isn't willing to help, it's a lost cause. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 There is never anytime to destroy your children's lives. Infact divorce does not destroy their lives unless they let it. They may be a little too strong a term. It does have an effect, there is no doubt. As for saying they will be better off after the divorce, statistically I do not agree. Divorce has an effect on everyone and especially the children. Even of the children of divorced parents that were adults at the time of speration, can carry with them the effects throughout their whole lives. Once the family is dissolved, it is gone forever. This may scar all future relationships of those that live through it. Unless there is abuse, violent activity, drug use and extreme cases, the family unit is a much healthier place to grow up. Shipping kids back and forth between mom and dad is a patch. The only way anyone knows how to take care of a bad situation. The children lack a sense of consistency in their lives. To say they are tough and will get over it is all fine and good. But the effect on their lives is there. The divorced parents may even fight more after the divorce. It is shown that even the individual parents, once divoced are not always "happier". In the county in which I live (DFW, Texas) the divorce rate for 2nd marriages (those after a divorce) is almost 70%. It seems that no one is learning much from the first. They continue on with the same actions/reactions that got there divorced the first time. Those who have tried to work out there differences in a understanding way (both parties working at it), through regaining the connection through meaningful communication, report that there marriages are now better than when they first got married, Getting both to work on it, even sometimes admitting that there is a problem, is the hard part. The point being is that once you decide to have children, I believe that there should be no stone left unturned to try and keep the family together. To merelt say that I have a right to be happy is to run around the point. If you are not happy, learn how that can be done. To do this we may have to leave our egos at the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurian Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Isn`t it better to have two happy, separate parents than to grow up with two miserable together parents? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Not in every case. Like I said, once you have these children, it is in their best interest to try everything possible to make your marriage work and not make it a miserable experience for them or for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just M.E. Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Isn`t it better to have two happy, separate parents than to grow up with two miserable together parents? That is the tough part, not in every situation do you have two happy, separate parents. This is always a tough call, but as many can tell you, some marriages are better to end and some should be fought for. There isn't an easy answer. I have learned the old adage of walking a mile in another's shoes is very wise advice. Each person has to find their own limit and weigh the potentials in either situation. In some divorces, couples can work well to make sure their children are impacted to a minimum and in others it can't happen. I would try for counseling or therapy if possible and find out what the potential really is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 M.E. Good to see you posting again. It does not even happen very often that both parents are happy separately. they still have the children to raise separately but somehow together. There are often more fights after the divorce between the two former partners than when they were husband and wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meinreallife Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Kids...... Yep. They are the most wonderful parts of our lives and are the reason, I think some of us older folk are out here on ENA. Without kids, well it's just you and her (or him) that needs to work out your problems. With kids, you have made this promise when they were born to protect, teach, raise, love..etc them until they can stand on their own. Now at this point, this promise is the most important thing in your life. I have two different friends, one that has gone through a divorce and one that has had an affair and tried to work it out with his wife. The thing that is similar in both they tell me is the kids are devastated. It's taken the divorced friend 4 years to start to build bridges again with his teenage son. The other friend, his college age daughter will not talk to him. Beyond all the pain my divorced friend tells me that even though he and his ex get along well and there are no issues in custody, he misses the little stuff, the details of his kids lives. He is not there to hear and see first reactions or to know they now prefer jelly on their toast. My advice is to work on your relationship for them. Find a way to make the relationship happy. It is a hard road - I am on it myself. But I need to try to keep this promise to my kids. I hope that all didn't come out as a lecture. My point was to share some of the pain I feel in my life. I understand and hope you find peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 meinreallife, Excellant post. You hit the point right on the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki71 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Like I said, once you have these children, it is in their best interest to try everything possible to make your marriage work and not make it a miserable experience for them or for you. What if the SO is not willing to put their whole heart into trying? Then it's only going to fail and then everyone is back to the start of all the hurt. And meinreallife that was a great post and very heart touching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just M.E. Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 meinreallife - Couldn't have said it better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 unsuretexan, You are exactly correct if the scenario plays out that way. When you play the IF..., Then.... dialouge with yourself, you will drive yourself insane. Not just in these situaions but in all of life. Very often, things do not turn out how we have planned them when dealing with intimate relationships. You can cripple all of your actions in the present for a fear of how they will turn out in the future which is really just an image that you may have. That image can cause in presponse some unpleasant emotions. IF you can get someone to some sore of counciling, that is the first step. How it turns out, we do not know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Years ago my wife coached a youth sports team and she had a kid on the team that has skewed her thoughts on divorce. She saw both dad nad step-dad working with the kid on free throws and both mom and step=mom walking laps during practice. Last year we teetered on the brink and she said we can aspire to be like that couple. I told her she could count on her hand how many times I would ever be in the same room with her. She said that was my choice, I then reminded her it was her choice and actions that will cause that type of response. Where we are today, different then last week as we spent the last 5 days without kids. Some great days and a few rough ones. I'm working on my end to make things better but always slide back when I wake up in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 reading back over some of her email conversations...she seems really needy....fishing for compliments and trying to flirt to get them. must be the delerium but I can help but laugh out loud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just M.E. Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I read somewhere, that a woman was teetering on whether she wanted to remain in her marriage (this could work for wither man or woman) and her therapist told her, each morning when you wake up, decide if you want to remain married, then work 100% that day to that goal. The woman recounted those times, saying she woke each morning and did made the decision to remain married, even though there where days, she started with doubt. She said she went 15 years in this manner and in the end, she no longer wondered or doubted, she wanted to remain married. She had very wise advice. It seems your wife is having a crisis of faith, as in each marriage, each relationship, each days commitment is always a leap of faith. Where there is no core dysfunction, no emotional damage and abuse, it seems that counseling and therapy can do a world of good, IF you have two willing participants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfjon Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 The only good thing I can say is that throughout the split and divorce, we have been respectful to each other. We have been friendly at our exchanges, even if only on the surface. We never say even the smallest negative thing about each other, ever! We provide a unified front in dealing with our kids and their lives, we discuss matters first so that we are in agreement on items that arise. We never use them as messengers or pawns, they are children and need to see that their parents love them and that even though apart, we are there for them and that what happened was due to the differences between she and I and nothing the kids could have changed. I tell my kids how awsome of a mom they have, and I truly feel that way. We try to remain upbeat and even on my darkest days, (I still have them!! I put on a smile and a brave face and do my best to be a dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Good for you surf. I wish I could have had that. But, as my X has told me, she considered me the enemy (she denies ever saying this now) and admits that she was extremely angry at me for having to dissolve the marriage and family and remains angry at me to this day. Anger, it seems, has taken the place of remorse and guilt. It is a much easier emotion to deal with right now. But it may be more dysfunctional in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfjon Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Yeah John, Well she certainly doesn't make it easy for you does she...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bendix Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 surf, I think her anger tries to make it as hard as possible for me and herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 thanks all for chiming in...just trying to piece through it all and take in the advice deciding if I'm just paranoid or what... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 based off of what i put in the infidelity section earlier...I guess the answer is now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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