Dave_The_Lion Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 It Felt Good You lay there at the bottom at the bottom of everything the lowest of the low You didn't get there by yourself No you needed help thats where i come in I put you there i put you in this state its my doing I didn't hit you I didn't make you bleed I hurt you like no other kind of hurt deep within your mind a hurt so deep it haunts you a hurt so deep it stays you don't forget i left you completely utterly broken you can ask for help but you'll never really get what you need your anger rips you part inside you can't let it loose like a caged animal it brakes you inside Your in this state because of me Because of things i said Because of things i did I try to make amends I try to make it all better I try to fix you but i can't I can't because no matter what no matter how the truth remains it felt good The Message I was walking thinking to myself thinking about lots of things thinking about almost nothing i i ended up there i ended up in that magical place where everything is so different so unique but yet its all the same where they live those people i saw them i talked to them they know things there really quite smart and so beautiful like elegance in its true form they brought me close they gave me a message a message i had to deliver i had to tell people i had to let people know but they said i could tell but i must choose wisely for who i choose will be they one and the only i ran home i ran so fast the message burning in my mind i saw that girl on the street i felt it had to tell her "The decline is burning crimson flames Love is the sweet cooling water we live in the decline we can save us" she said i was crazy maybe i was maybe no one would believe me anyway Maybe they were wrong i sat there and i remained there my message was given i wonder what it would do now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelclaw Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 You have good concepts but you need a lot more imagery to keep it from sounding like prose broken into stanzas. Stuff like "the decline is burning crimson flames/love is the sweet cooling water" is good imagery - try to work in more of that type of thing instead of saying things so plainly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave_The_Lion Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 alright.....thanks for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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