Don't know if I'm attracted

[oh my god... ho]

I am back and forth on this guy I am dating. He is a very sweet & nice guy, and there are no negative warning signs jumping out at me. I know he is a good person and definitely NOT like my ex who was manipulative, jealous, controlling, alcoholic, and a compulsive liar. So far so good, righ?

 

But... I don't know if I am attracted to him physically. When I first met him years ago he was HOT... I mean drop dead gorgeous freaking hot. Now 8 years later, he's still the same person, but he looks totally different... he is sorta chubby and he doesn't dress nice, just sort of plain. Plus he made it pretty clear that he doesn't care about his appearance or what he eats, etc. He even said "I won't date girls that tell me I shouldn't eat this or eat that... or ask why did I order 3 orders of wings when I could probably get filled up on two." The sad thing is when we went to get wings, I thought exactly that!

 

I have a lot of issues w/ food. I used to be a binge eater and bulimic, and so I hate seeing people who eat mindlessly (meaning when they are not hungry) ALL the time. We went out to eat and were both completely full, then went to a movie and he wanted to get popcorn. Then the other night he said he was really full after eating only fried foods at the Chinese buffet, but then wanted to eat an apple at my place b/c he thought it'd help his stomach. What kind of stupid logic is that?

 

I know you're supposed to like someone for the way they are and that you can't change people. It's just funny someone who I thought was so cool back in the day is really just a big dork... which is cute in a way, but so different from my first impression. Also I can't even really describe him as sexy because he is just more goofy than anything. But he's so nice and such a good guy, that I just can't walk away from it... and when we hang out and I'm drinking, I cannot keep my hands off him... but maybe its just because I'm drinking. I don't know, am I just wasting my time and his time? So confused...

[zzeitgeist]

First find out if its his physical appearance thats really the core of the problem, or is the way he eats, or is it his attitude or is it boredom?

 

Whatever you decide make sure to communicate the problem. Please please please give your partner a heads up on the problem before all attraction is gone. Be as straight forward about it as possible, if he really likes you he will make some changes otherwise you need to follow your heart and do whats best for you.

[oh my god... ho]

Wow you sound pretty smart for only being 21! I have been thinking about communicating the problem... but what would I even say? "I'm not attracted to you because you used to be hot and now your fat" -- I mean, seriously!

 

I'm not bored when I hang out with him, and its not his attitude in general. Just certain things he does here or there that I am turned off by.

[Sprinter79]

if its only certain things, then let him know gently. Guys can be surprising sensitive sometimes haha

[zzeitgeist]

It's only fair you tell him. You don't have to be rude about it, just tell him hes getting out of shape and its not a good thing. If my girlfriend started getting really messy(as an example..) I would tell her shes getting messy and its not an attractive quality.

[RedWingsFan]

While I don't think you can force people to change, you can influence them to change. I've changed ways about myself for past girlfriends (for one, a sense of fashion; it was much needed). I really believe that, if you're attracted to someone or love them enough, you'll change for the better for them and yourself (once you realize you need to change).

 

I would subtly, in conversation, see if he is open to changing his eating habits. This may take several attempts. I am somewhat in a similar position, in that I am really attracted to a woman who smokes. I despise smoking. I could never do a long-term relationship with a smoker. Before anything develops I'll have to send the signal that "I don't date smokers." Who knows...maybe she'll change? If not, then she is not for me.

[sweetstar87]

I get what your saying. I used to be bulimic too, so i get the whole eating more then you need to concept. Well if you hold on to these things that are bugging you too long, it'll bubble over and you might blurt it out in frustration to him. So be gentle, but tell him with tact, cause wouldn't you want to know if something was bugging him about you, wouldn't you want him to tell you so you didn't bug him? Also, people change, maybe he doesn't care because he got over caring what over people thought of him and maybe he is very comfortable with you that its not a big deal to him anyway. He seems like a great guy. In the end, its not always about looks, that just a plus, but its about who makes you laugh, who respects you, and who treats you right that will be good to have around, rather then an insensitive jerk, who drinks, parties, looks good, and doesn't respect the person you are.

[oh my god... ho]

an insensitive jerk, who drinks, parties, looks good, and doesn't respect the person you are.

 

That right there describes exactly what my ex bf is like. I know that things are more than just about looks, but then again people are kidding themselves when they say looks don't matter. So I try to see past that a lot. Honestly I think it is more than that I don't find attractive... just little things that I can't put my finger on. He's nice and a good person... but isn't forming a relationship w/ someone about more than that? Maybe I just need to know him better as a friend, or maybe I need to just trust my instincts that tell me something is missing and he's not the one.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This isn't just about his looks, it is about a difference in lifestyle. If you've had food issues in the past, you can't be with someone who has unresolved food issues now.

 

No one (NO ONE!) needs to eat 3 plates of wings. That is nowhere near about nutrition or even a bit of fun, that is about gorging in an unhealthy fashion. He's treating food like a drug, and is telling you, 'hands off, i intend to eat my drug and you can shut up about it.'

 

And it is dangerous for you if you are tempted to start eating like that, binging, and then purging again. So you actually have a lot of experience with this type of behavior to help him.

 

Someone recommended a really good book here that teaches you how to break the cycle of emotional eating for reasons other than nutrition:

 

link removed

 

He can still have his wings if he wants them, but he doesn't need 3 plates, and if he's eating 3 plates, he's a food addict.

 

I would approach him and tell him you want to have a healthy attitude towards food, and he needs one too if you are going to be together. Let him read that book, and if is totally not interested in approaching food in a healthy way, you might need to find someone who doesn't feed into your own food issues.

 

And he will just get worse with age. He'll keep gaining weight if he wants to eat like that as his metabolism slows with age.

 

Give him a chance to join you in a healthy lifestyle, but if he doesn't want to do that, then you should find someone who views food in a healthy light.