Getting Back Together is Tough

[thouse]

Getting back together is really hard, all the hurt and pain you suffered does not go away and it's hard to trust. You should be able to leave the past in the past but it's not that easy and you end up pushing them away because you can't stop bringing up what has happened. Things won't be the same between you, both parties have to be patient and understanding. It's really hard getting back together...

[LW4E]

Trusting again for me is going to be tough, I'll be surprised if I'll ever be able to trust the same way again.

 

I tried to be nice to my girlfriend and introduce her to some people I talk to regularly on the internet, what does she do? She tells the mall sorts of things about me that simply aren't true, that I snoop through her private things, neglect her and that I am the rudest person in the world to her... when in reality, I had caught her numerous times going through my E-Mail, every time we saw each other, all she'd want to do is talk to people on msn, that goes for being rude to, she was SO rude. Oh, did I mention that this was before the break up?

 

If that wasn't bad enough, one of the people I introduced her to (Who I've known longer than I've known my ex) told her that I was an A-Hole and deserved to lose her and that she should break up with me, so she did. Two days later, that same guy professes his love for her, next thing you know, They're having phone/cyber sex... did I mention that this guy is 32 years old and probably can't get a woman his own age?

 

And then after all this... I have one of my "real" friends being two-faced with us, telling me that he knows my ex is a liar, while telling my ex how much he loves her.

 

Every time I argue about this with my ex, she either goes silent or walks away... she knows exactly what she did, she knows she's wrong, and hell... she knows she's disgusting.

 

At least I know that she can't be trusted... thank god, after today, she's out of my life, I wish she already was, but I simply can't avoid her today.

 

So, I don't think I can trust the way I used to anymore, I'm always going to be suspect of something with everyone... and that really blows.

[thouse]

Thanks, Catdancer. I feel like I'm ruining my chance. He has changed it's noticeable and I like the changes he's made, but I can't seem to shake the blaming him and bringing up the past all the time. It's pushing him away, he's told me so. I sometimes wonder should I just leave it alone and just move on because I don't know if I could really open myself up to him ever again. Maybe our relationship is too damaged to ever to be together again. I love him, but I don't know why I can't stop this self-destructing behavior.

[Catdancer]

Thanks, Catdancer. I feel like I'm ruining my chance. He has changed it's noticeable and I like the changes he's made, but I can't seem to shake the blaming him and bringing up the past all the time. It's pushing him away, he's told me so. I sometimes wonder should I just leave it alone and just move on because I don't know if I could really open myself up to him ever again. Maybe our relationship is too damaged to ever to be together again. I love him, but I don't know why I can't stop this self-destructing behavoir.

 

Girl...you are so not alone! I felt the same way. Mine drank too much, said and did hurtful things and cheated on me with his ex. Why in the hell would I want to reconcile? Once I realized that I didnt need him to make me happy, that I could have a fulfilled life without him, he and I started talking again. We talked thru ALL of the issues that we had and I told him that I didnt know if I could trust him again. He said that he would just have to earn my trust. I said ok. And here we are. I have not regretted my decision to reconcile and he has made huge improvments on himself. He did this without me asking and to better himself. I am very proud of him and yes, I trust him now. Feeling secure that I can trust him took a huge load off of me. I feel confident and secure in our relationship without having to be with him every moment of the day and night.

 

What you have to decide for yourself is if you can let everything go and start fresh. If you think that you can feel secure and confident in a relationship with him. It's hard to separate "i love him" from being secure and confident about him. It's a tough decision, and unfortunately only you know what you will and will not tolerate out of a partner. If he cannot give you what you need in a relationship to feel secure and confident, then he isnt worth the heartache that will ensue and it would be best to let it go. But I have a feeling you already knew that! lol

[DJC]

I love him, but I don't know why I can't stop this self-destructing behavoir.

 

Humans are the embodiment of self-destruction, it's something that is in our genes, the best we can do is resist it.

Try and look at your situation through a new perspective and you may get more insights into why the bad things have happened. A breakup is never a one way thing, you should take time out and look at the faults you have made and do your best to fix them. It sounds like that is what he has done, and as you said they are noticeable.

This is where no contact comes into play. The reason for it is so you can move on and make yourself better (mentally or physically), and this is what I believe you need to do.

[deang]

I still believe the best chance for reconiliation is if both parties have had time to heal and get over the past relationship...the old hurt and feelings will make things very complicated. If it's something you want then maybe couples counseling?

[Kat123]

I reconciled with my ex, and it was a constant struggle, and I felt exactly the same way you are feeling. And I can honestly say I think when you've been hurt by that person, there is a part of you that will always carry it with you. For a good couple of months, there was a moment out of everyday where I would just look at him and remember what he did to me and how badly he had hurt me and it was terrible. I don't know what your situation was, but my ex did some truly hideous things to me that caused our first break up, and was horrible about the actual breaking up. He was all about "earning my trust back" for a couple of weeks in the beginning, but he didn't understand that all the pain he caused me doesn't just go away because someone said they are sorry once. He really wasn't in it for the long haul and to truly earn my trust back. He thought that once he apologized that I shoudl get over it and let bygones be bygones. It would be nice if it were that easy, but the reality is, its not. When you've been hurt badly, it really tough to trust. I lived with a constant insecurity about him leaving me and breaking my heart again, since it was apparently so easy for him the first time. (I had the additional problem of the fact that my ex was constantly making me insecure about the relationship in other ways...like threatening to break up with me every time we disagreed.)

 

Just know that what you are feeling is normal. Unfortunately, after my experience, I truly feel that people don't really change. They can change the outside, the small, and the superficial, but they really don't change the core of who they are and how they think. And unfortunately, the core is probably what broke you up in the first place. I know it was with me.

 

Good luck if this is what you really want, but I think you need to think long and hard abotu whether or not its worth it. For me, it was too hard. Reality of the matter is that you can't ever go back into it a second time with a totally clean slate. And a clean slate is what you need for a healthy, happy relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Catdancer, congratulations, he has convinced you were the problem and all you need to do is ignore the past and trust him again and everything will be OK.

 

I notice you have deleted all your prior threads about him, but if i recall, you caught him with his peen in his ex-girlfriend's mouth in your bathroom, among many other abusive acts. Then he got on enotalone and stalked you and attacked you and a bunch of other members trying to tell you you had a right to protect yourself from him.

 

Honey, people can indeed change, but change is not this easy, and change doesn't happen this quick. You are basically in a glow of thinking you can erase the past like you erased all those threads, and it's all new, perfect, not relevant anymore.

 

There is an old story that goes, a frog comes to the edge of a river it can't cross. A scorpion offers to take the frog accross on its back. The frog says to the scorpion, but you're a scorpion, i can't trust you, you'll sting me and kill me before we get to the other side. And the scorpion says, 'oh no, you can trust me, i promise won't sting you.' So the frog climbs on, and they get almost to the other side, and then the scorpion stings the frog. As the frog is dying it says, 'why, why did you do that, when you promised you wouldn't sting me'? And the scorpion replies, 'But you knew I was a scorpion, and that's what scorpions do...'

 

So i really really wish you the best and hope he has indeed found a new way to be, and is willing to do the hard work to stop all of his negative and abusive behavior. But recognize that it is a long hard road and blind trust of him is not appropriate considering how he behaved in the past. This could just be another round on the cycle of abuse, where he talks you into coming back, promises you the world, then you have a honeymoon period, then the abuse starts all over again. This cycle of abuse is very well documented, and you have done exactly what many people who are abused do, return to the abuse and start the cycle again.

 

Blindly trusting someone who has shown themselves to be rampantly untrustworthy in the past is really not the best advice that anyone would give you. Continue with him if that is what you want, but recognize that you can't just wish away the past. Take what he says with a grain of salt, and recognize that you might have a very different, and much sadder story to tell in another few months from now.

 

Expect and hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the worst is really sage advice.