How to avoid scaring guys off?

[Russ]

I just think you're getting the wrong guys.

 

I mean, what will you do, lure them into a relationship?

 

If they're not looking for it, you won't be able to trick them into it any better. I personally am also looking for something long-term right now, so I'd be thrilled if someone I got on with real well told me her intentions just like that. Simply, because that's what I'm looking for as well.

[imsoalive]

hmmm..well if he's going through something(problems,stress I mean), be there, but dont be there. Sometimes as men, we just need someone that will be there for us emotionally, aside from the guys. We'll never say it, so just knowing that you're there is enough. You like space, so do we.

[imsoalive]

Also alot of times we want a good woman/relationship, but when it happens were not ready for it. Kind of like how when you try and try for something in your life to happen and it never does.

 

But when you stop wishing and hoping for it, it finally does and then you're so tired from wanting it so much, you dont know how to handle it.

 

So..some men get scared, and withdraw.

[JadedStar]

Have you felt what it's like to get swiped at by a purse that's got a brick inside it?

 

NO but if i did someone would be behind bars. Male or female.

[Batya33]

instead of thinking of it being "too open" are you being too overwhelming - in a bad way? Is this the guy you posted about where you said you were happy being single and that meeting this guy was good but that you had been happy with yourself first? Maybe this was just a story you were telling yourself - from reading that thread I was a bit suspicious that you were telling yourself that you were happy in spite of having met the great guy because you didn't want to admit how much you were tying your happiness to having met a new person. If that is true, you might have appeared a bit too clingy/needy (what you call "open")

 

It also depends how you reveal what you want - if you mention that you do "not" want a fling you give the impression that other men have tried to get you into bed fast, you give the impression that you are a bit cynical about that - and that's a bit of a turn off/a bit too intense when you're getting to know someone. Bringing up general goals is fine but don't just focus on relationship goals.

[lady00]

My happiness isn't tied to him. Of course, meeting him made me happier, as should meeting any guy who seems great, but it was definitely not the basis of my happiness. I am very happy being single. But I'm also open to a relationship and if he isn't...then is there really a point in continuing? I'm thinking probably not.

 

But I think the point that I may have overwhelmed him could be true. I expressed that I liked him and enjoyed going out with him and asked him what he thought (I didn't come out and say I was open to a relationship, but it was implied). He responded that he was having a great time with me too and liked me but that he wasn't (too busy, not a good time in his life etc) after a relationship. So it's kind of hard to tell if that's just him not being into me or him feeling overwhelmed him by expressing that I am open to having a relationship at this point in my life. I guess it could also be a mix of both. Maybe in the future I just won't bring it up and then perhaps set some time-line for myself that if I am really feeling interested and he doesn't seem to be heading toward at least exclusivity, then I should bail. I think I may come off as too needy/clingy based on this one conversation that we had and maybe I do come off as cynical because I am not into flings or dating that is not really headed anywhere and maybe that comes off in a negative way?

 

I guess I should save that stuff and just let the guys take the lead in that area from now on. To be honest, that conversation has made me lose a lot of interest in him because he just seemed not that into me. I don't know. He asked to see me again and we have plans to see each other again, so we shall see what comes of it but I have zero expectations. I know I will be just fine and happy whatever happens. I'm still of course keeping my eye open for other guys and some guys have caught my eye in the past few days.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't ask someone early on "what do you think of me" or similar. That often comes accross as too insecure - simply take each early date as they come, if he seems to be having a good time trust that he is. Asking whether someone is in general looking for a relationship is different than "so, what do you think of me?"

 

I pretty much presumed that when a guy early on told me he wasn't looking for a relationship I silently assumed that "with me" was the unspoken part. Especially if I knew the person since then it would be far more disappointing to see him seriously dating someone else a month later.

[lady00]

I wouldn't ask someone early on "what do you think of me" or similar. That often comes accross as too insecure - simply take each early date as they come, if he seems to be having a good time trust that he is. Asking whether someone is in general looking for a relationship is different than "so, what do you think of me?"

 

I pretty much presumed that when a guy early on told me he wasn't looking for a relationship I silently assumed that "with me" was the unspoken part. Especially if I knew the person since then it would be far more disappointing to see him seriously dating someone else a month later.

 

Hmm...well I guess if he were really interested in me, it wouldn't have made much of a difference how I phrased it, for something so minor as this. Maybe he thought it was insecure but I think in this case, that probably wasn't what did it. Regardless, next time I date someone, I won't phrase it that way. I probably won't bring it up at all. I'll let him take the lead.

 

I did assume the "with me" part as well. I don't really understand why he wants to see me again though. I guess it really makes no difference in the long run. I probably didn't scare this particular guy off. He probably just wasn't that interested.

 

I guess the good thing is I learned something!

[Batya33]

I find your reasoning a bit circular. I've been interested in men - seen strong potential - on a first or second date but if they then show me that they are clingy or very insecure, my feelings can change - because it's early on. So the "if he was really into me it wouldn't have mattered" presumes that someone decides that early on whether they're really into someone and that getting to know the person doesn't change that. The beginning stages in particular are very fragile and evolving.

[lady00]

I find your reasoning a bit circular. I've been interested in men - seen strong potential - on a first or second date but if they then show me that they are clingy or very insecure, my feelings can change - because it's early on. So the "if he was really into me it wouldn't have mattered" presumes that someone decides that early on whether they're really into someone and that getting to know the person doesn't change that. The beginning stages in particular are very fragile and evolving.

 

The way I view it is, if I meet a guy and I'm really attracted to and curious about him, if he does something small that appears needy or something that bothers me, I would let it slide because my attraction level is high. So, for me anyway, if I'm really into someone, even early on, and they do something that I don't like and it's not huge, it would not change my feelings. If I'm only mildly attracted/interested, then I would probably notice the negatives and see them as more important in terms of being turn-offs.

[Batya33]

The way I view it is, if I meet a guy and I'm really attracted to and curious about him, if he does something small that appears needy or something that bothers me, I would let it slide because my attraction level is high. So, for me anyway, if I'm really into someone, even early on, and they do something that I don't like and it's not huge, it would not change my feelings. If I'm only mildly attracted/interested, then I would probably notice the negatives and see them as more important in terms of being turn-offs.

 

If someone asked me on the second date or third date how I thought things were going and I got the vibe that the person was insecure and needy, my initial very strong attraction might fade because that attraction level is based on very little information and for me, that kind of neediness, that early on might set off alarm bells.

 

I met a guy I was very attracted to on date one - but on date two he said a few things that showed insecurity and felt that vibe of insecurity). I was still attracted, until the next day when twice in an hour and a half he called me - the first time I told him I would call him back (I was going to call him back in about 5 hours because I had somewhere to be - and I was on call waiting so i couldn't talk long). I knew his call was just to say hi. 1.5 hours later he calls again leaving a message about how he's worried that he didn't hear from me and about whether I like him, basically. After that, i was done, it just wasn't going to work (I later found out from a mutual friend that he is unstable so my sense of him was accurate).

 

 

You're also assuming that attraction level needs to be high in the beginning - very often, moderate attraction grows as the people get to know each other - heard that many many times, experienced it too - wow! - and sure where there is moderate attraction (which can be very healthy as a basis for a relationship) then the person might be more "objective."

 

I think being more objective is probably better for the long term because of course as you've seen/read the intense early chemistry can intensely burn out, intensely fast.

 

It all depends how you define "small things" - to me - and maybe others - early signs of insecurity especially about "how things are going" can send up red flags. Others might find it cute. Who knows. I just disagree with your "well if he's really attracted to me he'll let it slide so if he doesn't that just meant he wasn't really attracted to me" - even if that's true sometimes, don't forget about the guys who warm up a wee bit slower and don't feel that strong chemistry right off the bat.

[ConfusedDater]

well i made a decision to stop contacting both girls for a while, and just going to see what else is out there.

 

I haven't spoken to either one of them since tuesday and neither has made no effort to contact me SINCE. yes they both agreed to see me again but I need atleast one call a week and that's something I'm not getting and I just need to fall back for a while and contact them in another week or so since I'm the one who is always doing the contacting

 

 

So far I have done a good job in hiding that i'm insecure which is something I couldn't do in the past.

 

 

I have yet to ask these two girls

 

1.are you attracted to me after seeing me face to face

 

2do you see me a friend or someone you will date

 

3. how come you never call me?

 

 

 

At this point I have put a HUGE BLANKET over my insecurity and have tio continue to do that if I want to be in a relationsip by 2009

[Batya33]

I would find one and two way too "hit me over the head" that early on and number three I would find annoying and manipulative like "when did you stop beating your wife."

[ConfusedDater]

I would find one and two way too "hit me over the head" that early on and number three I would find annoying and manipulative like "when did you stop beating your wife."

 

 

I never planned on asking those, I just had habit of asking questions like that 5 years ago

[lady00]

Well, I've been out with him again. It was fun and nice as usual, but I had the whole him not wanting a relationship thing in the back of my head. Neither of us brought it up but he did try to kiss me and I guess I pulled back. I don't know...probably wasn't very nice of me. I didn't feel comfortable with it anymore because I had that thought in the back of my head...but maybe I will in time as I get more comfortable separating kissing from the idea of heading toward a relationship (which I've been able to do in the past with other guys). I don't know if he'll ask me out again. He seems to be attracted to me but then again, he doesn't want a relationship. We're not doing the friends with benefits thing, just casually dating I guess. As of now it's still an enjoyable interaction for me (despite my being hesitant to kiss) so I guess we will continue until one or both of us no longer feels that sense of enjoyment in each other's company, but clearly it's not heading toward a committed relationship so I have that in mind. I'm certainly keeping my eyes open and if I meet someone else, great, I can date that person too.

[Batya33]

Sounds good just be careful not to blame him if he acts like a boyfriend but when it comes to the responsibilities of that - meeting your friends, parents, cat, whatever - he reminds you of what he told you right from the beginning. I've seen young women get cynical this way, conveniently forgetting what was said right from the beginning "but he refers to me as his girlfriend/told his boss about us/took me to a family wedding" - he lead me on!!" He is not leading you on - the opposite is true.

[lady00]

Yes, I have wondered about that. It sounds emotionally risky because one could easily start developing feelings for the person and fall into the trap of thinking things have changed from not a relationship to a relationship when they really haven't and then end up upset because they fooled themselves into thinking they were in a relationship. I am keeping things on a superficial level with this guy because I don't think it makes sense to develop feelings if it's not going anywhere. I do enjoy the dates, but again--it's still on a superficial level. We've had a couple of conversations that went a bit deeper than usual but I'm steering clear of that at this point.

 

I know couples when the man initally said to the woman after dating for a couple of months that he did not want a relationship and then changed their minds later and got into a serious bf/gf relationship. I'm certainly not expecting that outcome, simply saying that I know it's possible as I've seen it happen. Are these the exception rather than the rule? Perhaps--but it seems to happen quite often to my friends. Based on what they told me, it seems that these women all had something in common--they backed off a bit and enjoyed the time spent together without expecting a relationship to come of it.

[Batya33]

It can change, it's just risky and usually when a man tells that to a woman right off the bat it's because he doesn't see potential - otherwise he would keep his mouth shut so that he didn't screw things up from the get go.

 

I had one relationship sort of start that way and then get serious - but he was only 22 when we met so in part he was just enjoying his post-college freedome.

[lady00]

It can change, it's just risky and usually when a man tells that to a woman right off the bat it's because he doesn't see potential - otherwise he would keep his mouth shut so that he didn't screw things up from the get go.

 

Based on that, it would seem like the less risky option would just be to lose his number and stop taking his calls. I might do just that. It's hard to tell though--is the risk worth it? I enjoy spending time with him and there is a mutual attraction, otherwise he wouldn't pursue dating me and kissing me. This may all be a moot point. He may stop calling me and lose my number lol. Anyway, there's no need to make an decisions as nothing has been put forth to me and he may never call me again. I should probably just cross that bridge if I come to it. If he continues to ask me out, then I'll give it more thought as to whether or not it's worth the risk that I may develop feelings and through my own fault end up disappointed.

[Batya33]

See, since he knows that you want what he chooses not to pursue with you he might wonder why you're still hanging around and that could make things awkward. It depends whether, in the benefit/risk analysis, the fun you have with him is worth the risk of getting attached and the risk that you will have less motivation to meet someone who is interested in a serious relationship with you.

 

when I made the choice to continue dating the guy I mentioned it was because we had a blast, and because I had just ended something serious and didn't mind just casually dating for awhile. And I was young and naive ;-). I got very attached and luckily after 6 months of dating and my going away to a singles resort, he changed his mind. In hindsight, given how it ended I should have walked away but honestly, no regrets.

 

I did make sure I was dating other people though, to keep me somewhat distracted, and I did not sleep with him, not even close.

[never-too-late]

I am not a guy so I cannot really say but from my experience and from what my guy friends told me, a girl who is talking about seriousness of a relationship too soon will scare the guy off. I think even guys will scare women off if they are very fast convinced that the girls are the ones.

 

However, I feel from what I have read on this board that we are living in a world full of rules and people seem to be almost brain washed by the dating rules. Some people said here that when someone calls them twice within an hour, it shows desparate and needy and insecure feelings and it scares them. I mean give the people on the other side some chance? Noone is perfect in this world, not everyone is confident and independent as we all wish for. If the people have been burnt in the past, they may act as a result of that in an insecure way. Why cannot we help the other person to show that there is no need to worry as we will call them back.

 

It seems to me that the judgements are very fast made about the other person.

 

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago while my friend and I went out to a bar. The guy has tried the whole night to convince me that going out for a dinner with him is the best idea. Well, I did not accept his invitiation mainly because I did not find him attractive and I am not looking for a man at the moment. His behaviour has made me close up even more, however, I guess I do understand that my aloofness has made him try harder. But I would not necessarily immediately say this guy is needy, insecure and I don't what. i think it's only human to want what we cant have or get even more. It's natural. It's nothing unusual.

 

so i think it depends on the two people. If the one person is too much aloof, almost to the point of ignoring the other person and playing games, of course the person on the other side will try harder.

 

Anyway, I just kind of feel that there is too many rules these days.

[Batya33]

You took what I wrote out of context - I wrote that because of some insecurities I saw in our date plus his behavior in not giving me a chance to call him back and leaving a needy whiny message on my voicemail an hour later - and this after only one real date - second time we met - I ran for the hills. I do give people chances in all relationships - friendships too. But if someone thinks it's appropriate to call me twice in an hour when I said I would call back, because he feels insecure after one date that I don't like him, that kind of selfish, needy behavior can only get worse, not better. I was not looking for perfection - I was looking for reasonable behavior, reasonable manners. My purpose in dating was never to give charity - it was to date someone who I wanted to date, not who I felt obligated to date or felt I owed him a favor - that's not fair to the other person anyway.

 

Giving people chances depends on a lot of things - no general rule.

 

Funny how you complain about rules but say that most guys would be scared off if a woman talked about a relationship early on. But then you say that we should give people a chance? I think there's a huge difference between talking about relationship goals in general and in particular about that person. And also a big difference between "I want to be exclusive with you" and "I think you're the one". In all my serious relationships the man brought up exclusivity very early on.