ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Don't call him all the time. You can call once, leave a message and wait for him to call you. Don't ask him questions about where he's been. Let him open up to you. Don't talk about relationships....do talk about common interests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iarra Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 A lot of the replies in this post were mostly rules about what to do and not to do. They do have a point, but we all know that it's tough to remember all these rules. From my personal experience, I've found that understanding the principle behind the rules makes things easier. So what scares guys (and girls) off? There's a lot of specific things that can scare people off. But again, we should look at the principle behind these things. From observing and studying people, I could conclude that it's the lack of freedom. We all need our freedom. To be more specific, we like having choices, and having the power to choose what we do. We like having free will. So how does this relate to dating? If we don't want to scare the other person off, we should take care not to take away their free will. Meaning, if they call us, or spend time with us, it's because they want to. We can't make them spend time with us. We shouldn't try to control them. But I'm not saying we should all be passive and let the other person initiate everything. If that's the case, none of us would get anywhere. Dating is like a dance. One leads, one follows. Then at some other part of the choreography, the roles are reversed. If you want to express your interest, go ahead. But... (here's the but), let them respond. This is the tough part. Because this does involve being patient. Sometimes, they don't respond for some time (there could be many reasons for this). But it's ok. Again, they are free to respond or not. They have their own life. Respect that. Once you keep calling or initiating, they tend to feel that you're infringing on their freedom to do other things. It's been said that you have to get your own life. This is true. But why is this? Again, it's the principle of freedom. If the other person knows that your happiness does not solely rely on them, it feels freeing. They don't feel pressured. It's freeing for you too, since you have other sources of happiness. You can make the effort to make the other feel special, but if the effort is solely from you, then you know their interest level. Try not to expect too much, and try not to overinvest, especially in the beginning. And all throughout the relationship, try not to get too far ahead of the other in terms of commitment and other major decisions. You both have to be on common ground. We also need to learn when to keep pursuing, and when to give up. Sometimes, the other person just doesn't want to be pursued. In that case, let them go. It's not just about you. It's about them as well. They're free to choose to date whoever they want. And you're free to choose somebody else. It's not about playing games. It's about respecting the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolates Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 But the fact remains that if a guy is interested in you, and he fishes around asking if you are interested in him - the microsecond that you indicate that you ARE interested-- he backs off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmine Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 But the fact remains that if a guy is interested in you, and he fishes around asking if you are interested in him - the microsecond that you indicate that you ARE interested-- he backs off. I hear this all the time on these boards and I never understand where women get this conclusion from. Maybe it has to do with my age, but most guys, including myself LOVE when a girl expresses interest in us. Screw "the chase." Yes, I've turned down girls who confessed their crushes on me or I didn't go very far with them, but that has nothing to do with the chase...I just wasn't that interested in those girls to begin with. Seriously, you females complicate things too much. =p There's this girl that I'm into who's given me signals that have been polar opposites. I'm almost positive she wants me but she's so confusing and deceptive. It confuses the hell out of me...especially when I saw this quote on her facebook - "Tell a man I hate you, and you'll have the best sex of your life. Tell a man I love you and you'll never see him again." Damnit, just tell me you like me and you'll get to see me plenty. =p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolates Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I hear this all the time on these boards and I never understand where women get this conclusion from. Maybe it has to do with my age, but most guys, including myself LOVE when a girl expresses interest in us. Screw "the chase." i think you are in the minority. we get this conclusion, because this is what we get dished out by "most" men. ive got one like that at the moment. we met, and he confessed later he wa interested in me and seemed eager to find out if i felt the same. I told him i felt the same, and then *poof* it was ME who had to do the chasing. I've given up on him. everytime i back away , he comes forward, Bugger that, im over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmine Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 i think you are in the minority. we get this conclusion, because this is what we get dished out by "most" men. ive got one like that at the moment. we met, and he confessed later he wa interested in me and seemed eager to find out if i felt the same. I told him i felt the same, and then *poof* it was ME who had to do the chasing. I've given up on him. everytime i back away , he comes forward, Bugger that, im over it. And what's wrong with the female doing the chasing every now and then? You're not the only ones who should have fun while several guys run after you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 And what's wrong with the female doing the chasing every now and then? You're not the only ones who should have fun while several guys run after you. I would even accept 70/30-lol Not 99/1. It doesn't have to be balance but I start looking elsewhere after a while as long as it stays at 99/1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolates Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 And what's wrong with the female doing the chasing every now and then? You're not the only ones who should have fun while several guys run after you. Because 96.7% of men prefer to do the chasing LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolates Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Call it biology, call it social conditioning, call it whatever. One thing that will never change no matter how "liberated' women become is the fact that men like to chase and prefer women who will allow them to be fairly passive, "do nothing" and pursue them. i dont like it, but honestly this is what ive observed for years and years, and in fact if you look on these boards, men are both intrigued and attracted to women who are elusive. Its old fashioned, but true. Ive had one particular guy chase me for about 3 months. I am not interested, and thats why i am not responding, but boy does he love the chase. I would have given up by now if i were him. actually theres a great thread on here about the "rubber band effect" I think it might be superdaves. It discusses this from memory, but it also relates to break ups. anyway, sorry but theres here are the facts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Because 96.7% of men prefer to do the chasing LOL Well I think it's because those men KNOW HOW to chase. Someone like me don't know what the hell I'm doing and being the Chaser is frustrating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmine Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Because 96.7% of men prefer to do the chasing LOL Screw what they prefer! What are you trying to do, cater to all their needs?! You don't need to do that. You are WOMAN!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Well if he was chasing you for 3 months then he needs medication Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmine Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Well maybe it's just my age then. Most of the time girls will behave subtle and let the guys do the work, but in the right settings girls can be really aggressive and will go after any guy they want. And I guarantee you that guy was not enjoying his 3 month chase. He merely had a false hope that you were interested and he was living on that. Sounds like he was pretty desperate to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Well maybe it's just my age then. Most of the time girls will behave subtle and let the guys do the work, but in the right settings girls can be really aggressive and will go after any guy they want. And I guarantee you that guy was not enjoying his 3 month chase. He merely had a false hope that you were interested and he was living on that. Sounds like he was pretty desperate to me. Desperate and Eligible for the Nut House Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russ Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 But the fact remains that if a guy is interested in you, and he fishes around asking if you are interested in him - the microsecond that you indicate that you ARE interested-- he backs off. I do not know what kind of guys you may have dated in the past, but those have commitment issues. Personally, I need the girl to show me she is interested because I want to be respectful, and won't push, ever. Hence, sometimes I get a text, email, call, whatever asking me why I haven't asked for another date, etc, when simply, I was being polite and not pushing. Show men you're interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Simple - at least for me. i let the man do more of the asking out and calling in the beginning, the first month /6 dates or so, depending on how things are going. I return calls promptly unless he hasn't asked me out again and has called more than once - then i return them within a day or so unless it's a real time sensitive question or favor. I make sure not to see him more than once or twice a week - space is good in the beginning - lets you anticipate, miss each other, dream a bit. I let him invite me to meet his friends /family first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 What if he finds out from you that you are looking for/open to having a relationship at this point in your life (not with him specifically, just in general) and he is not...does that mean he's just not that into you or that you've scared him off and you should as a rule avoid this discussion altogether and wait until he brings it up (and if he doesn't within a reasonable period of time then you know it's not going anywhere?)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 What if he finds out from you that you are looking for/open to having a relationship at this point in your life (not with him specifically, just in general) and he is not...does that mean he's just not that into you or that you've scared him off and you should as a rule avoid this discussion altogether and wait until he brings it up (and if he doesn't within a reasonable period of time then you know it's not going anywhere?)? It depends how and when the issue is raised. not sure what "finds out" means. if he is not, then it could be he is not feeling it with you or not interested in a relationship - but if he is a new person in your life, why does it matter "why?" If I've gone out with someone 4 or 5 times and he hasn't brought it up generally (honestly I can't ever remember this happening) then I would perhaps mention a friend who is getting married or engaged, something like that or "I am having so much fun getting to know you" and see where that takes you. I wouldn't date someone more than two months or so with no discussion. sometimes the discussion comes up if he wants to take it further sexually. the two times that happened to me the men were not interested in me for a serious relationship. well, one was, and we were serious for another two months but it was always a sense I had that he agreed to be exclusive just so I would have sex with him. but, the sex discussion is a natural time to talk about where this is going - before you are naked and while sober that is! when I did on line dating or got set up by friends it usually was clear from the get go that our mutual goals were (based on my on line dating profile or the type of guy my friends introduce me to) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 A girl explained it to me last night "The men are usually the chasers because before there were online dating services men were the ones who did the approaching in public so that would defintely make the guy the pursuer. Females are not the ones who approach that often so it makes sense that the guy would do the chasing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drewciouS281 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 - dont be too clingy - dont text or call too often - dont talk about or initiate conversation regarding the long term for you two - dont check out other dudes or mention other dudes you dated - dont be fake - dont be boring Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 - dont be too clingy - dont text or call too often - dont talk about or initiate conversation regarding the long term for you two - dont check out other dudes or mention other dudes you dated - dont be fake - dont be boring is there a pleasant way to tell a female u have no interest in hearing about another guy she dated in the past? I swear when they start talking about it i just want to hang up the phone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 is there a pleasant way to tell a female u have no interest in hearing about another guy she dated in the past? I swear when they start talking about it i just want to hang up the phone "Maybe we should change to another topic - obviously I can't give you unbiased input." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 is there a pleasant way to tell a female u have no interest in hearing about another guy she dated in the past? I swear when they start talking about it i just want to hang up the phone Or say "yeah i hated it when my ex used to do that...she was a real looker tho". I think that will stop them dead in their tracks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russ Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Or say "yeah i hated it when my ex used to do that...she was a real looker tho". I think that will stop them dead in their tracks. Have you felt what it's like to get swiped at by a purse that's got a brick inside it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 If he is a new person in your life, why does it matter "why?" The "why" matters to me not because of this particular guy, but because it might mean that I am doing something wrong on a consistent basis. This isn't the first guy who seemed interested at first and then backed off. If it's just a matter of me not having met a good match for me yet, that's one thing and I'm fine with that. But if I'm scaring them off then I need to change something in my behavior. I think what it is is that I am too open at the very early stages when everything is uncertain and we don't know each other well. I think I reveal too much, especially in terms of what I'm looking for (not a fling, but actually something that could lead to a real relationship) and maybe this is scaring guys off because they assume this means I want or expect some sort of commitment from them from a very early stage, which is not at all what I want, especially as I can't give that to them yet since I'm still getting to know them too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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