Anon333 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I have an ex that put me through hell. Last year I was on this sight bleeding my heart out about how sad I was. The relationship was a mess from day one. He had a million issues, acted very controlling and verbally abusive, and we just butted heads like no tomorrow. He took the relationship so fast from the get go, saying he loved me, and then when I pushed him away, he jumped into a new relationship and married the girl within a month after breaking up with me. He really was pretty crazy, but I always had trouble with the way things ended and putting it all to rest. I have still been upset about how strong he felt for me one second and dropped me the next. I still always seem to be haunted by the hurtful things he said to me, just everything about the relationship seemed to dig really deep inside of me, even though it was a short lived relationship that never even had a honeymoon period. So he left me saying how wonderful and how much better the new girl was and got married on whim and moved out of town and we havent talked since. I have since gotten over him, and moved away myself, and dated someone else in between. I heard that the marriage was falling apart recently and he was in the middle of a divorce, which didnt really surprise me. anyway.. Recently he emailed me a brief note saying he was sorry for things that had happened in the past. That he was sorry if he hurt me and that it always kind of bothered him the way things ended, also that he understood if I didnt want to respond to the email, but just wanted to throw that out there. I emailed back a very brief friendly email saying it was in the past and dont worry and it was good to hear from him, to which he replied in a long depressing email about his life and how things are not easy for him now and where he was and what he was doing. So I responded about myself and what I was up to, another long email saying I was sorry about his hard time. He never wrote back, and though it initially bothered me a little, I put it in perspective that we should only be loosely friends and talking, and a cycle of emails could get bad anyway. Then he texted me the other day and we wrote back and forth a bit. The I texted him and he never responded, which once again irked me, as though I was just someone he randomly wrote to for an ego stroke when it was convenient for him...I kind of started to feel like I shouldnt respond to him anymore, or at least wait it out a bit before I do... So that was my decision, until he texted me today how it was his birthday and the anniversary of his engagement and how he was depressed. This bothered me, because his engagement marked my agony last year, yet I'd like to think that is behind me and doesnt bother me, and I dont like to hear people who are down especially on his birthday...So I wished him happy birthday and told him to go have fun. His texts pretty much turned into him saying he couldnt go on anymore. I dont know if he is suicidal or what. I told him not to do anything impulsive in his state of mind and that he should talk to someone. And now I havent heard from him. I know he has been depressed and I dont know how serious I should take him saying he wants to "give up". He is a very passionate kinda crazy person, he has ADD and just got diagnosed with bipolar dissorder. There is still some kind of sick part of me that cares about him and wants to be his friend, but I know it is unhealthy for me. Does anyone have any suggestions...Should I call him to see if he is okay? Or should I just let him deal with it, and I deal with my own problems. Besides his depression, should I even be friends with him? What do you think his intentions are. I kind of feel like his fall-back girl since his wife left him he is suddenly contacting me to feel out things. Not to be with me, but just for his ego to be stroked....I dont know...I'd feel horrible if he did something stupid though.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeitgeist Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Just my initial impression, but this guy sounds highly unstable and impulsive. It's only my opinion, but I think you should stay away from him. I'll quote your first few lines: I have an ex that put me through hell. Last year I was on this sight bleeding my heart out about how sad I was. The relationship was a mess from day one. He had a million issues, acted very controlling and verbally abusive, and we just butted heads like no tomorrow. He took the relationship so fast from the get go, saying he loved me, and then when I pushed him away, he jumped into a new relationship and married the girl within a month after breaking up with me. He really was pretty crazy, but I always had trouble with the way things ended and putting it all to rest. I think that the only reason you're considering getting back into contact is because #1 you want to "rescue" him perhaps because you believe it will give you a sense of self worth, and #2 you hate how it ended, and thus, some part of you is hoping you can bring resolution to a conflict that you yourself described as hell. My advice: do everything possible to get this person out of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 hmmm, good point. I guess I flock to unhealthy people and situations, and this one is calling my name. Or else I never would have dated him to begin with. Good call about my being in contact with him giving me some kind of resolution. the thing is, it really has. As low and selfish and stupid as it sounds, he put me down so bad, and said in so many ways "Im better than you and found someone better than you" and left me horribly. He really damaged my self image more than anyone ever.... It took me awhile to get my footing back and not feel like a total loser. But now when I see the vulnerability and the sickness inside him, I see that all that ugliness he put on me was what was inside of him. He is the one that has always been so down on himself and needed others to puff him up. There is part of me that sees the good in all his bad and see he is just damaged and I wish he could grow and realize his mistakes and be a good happy person. I worry he is going down such a self destructive spiral that I will find out something horrible happened to him.... Thanks for your warning...I will keep my distance, and not be so eager to help him and be there for him. But I honestly dont know if I could just ignore him...It is the stupid part inside of me. i do it with other x boyfriends I still keep in touch with who treated me horrible in the relationship, but now we are in touch here and there and there is something healing about that.....anyone identify? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripples Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Hi Anon333 Everything that you have detailed about your ex raises cause for concern. He sounds very disordered and thereforeee should in reality be avoided, as sad as that is. There is nothing you can do for him. He is reliant on your empathy to feel alive, that is why he is coming back to you. But, as before, your empathy will be abused and you will be discarded. It is a dance that is as predictable as the sun rising in the east tomorrow. You must not allow yourself to be pulled into his fog. You will not be able to rationalise his behaviour, rather you must accept that it is disordered. Period. The only thing you can do is start to better understand the type of person you are. What makes you want to be involved with someone who is incapable of relating, on any level. That is the issue here - you, not him. If you can find some answers that help you better understand why it is you feel you need to rescue this guy then walking away will be a whole lot easier. And walk away you must. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 He does sound damaged. And it's a good thing you've moved on. I would let this one go to the ex files. My ex did the same thing. Wrote an apology looking for an ego stroke. Then when he realized I had someone else I didn't hear from him again. He doesn't sound as unstable as your ex, but he certainly was unstable nonetheless. I was better off before I heard from him, to be honest. I had put him out of my mind and was dating someone else. I always knew I'd hear from him again. I know I'll hear from him again at some point. Whenever he wants another ego stroke. Some people are just deeply insecure, immature and selfish. I don't feel sorry for him anymore. I don't think you should remotely feel sorry for your ex after the shenanigans he put you through. Especially getting engaged just to get back at you. That's my take on it anyway. He made his bed. Just be grateful that you're out of it now so you can spend time living your life the way you want to. And you'll be better off to find the right guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks so much for your response. I actually havent heard back from him since I posted this. And I still worry he did do something to himself. I dont wish it on him, even if he hurt me. I think he is just a lost soul with a mental personality disorder that falls in love fast and goes through destructive periods before falling in love again. I just wish I could shake him out of it. There was some good in him, that truly does feel completely in love with a person at the time. When he got married he really thought she was the one, but I knew that once she really got to know him, she would see all his issues. Now he thinks she never loved him and he feels like a failure. I'm sure he is going out drinking and sleeping with anything that moves..Thats the way he has always been. But the more I reflected on what all of you wrote, the more I realized I dont want anything like that back in my life. Even if it was just a casual friendship, it kinda brings back knots in my stomach from the way he made me feel a year ago....Thanks everyone! But I am still tempted to know if he's okay/alive....If he is bipolar and has ADD, it seems he has a high chance of doing something destructive to himself...Or maybe he is just ruining other people's lives instead... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripples Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 You must understand that if this guy is "disordered" he is mentally damaged and you have no chance of changing him. As difficult and sad as it is you must cut him out of your life otherwise you run the risk of being pulled back into his chaos and damaged again. Your low self esteem at the end of the relationship was a result of his low self esteem being projected onto you. He devalued you in order to bolster his self esteem. He used you and then discarded you. Dont underestimate how dangerous this man is. The sob sob story you are now getting has been taylor made especially for you and judging by your words it is having the desired effect. You are not a therapist so leave it alone! Go there at your peril. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sallyusa Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Anon at least he had the decsney to apologize to you after he put you through hell with all that you mentioned. Mine's has not even dont that yet so imagine how i feel right now. I think the best bet is to leave him alone. You dont know what his intentions are but if i were you i wouldn't fall in the same trap again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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