Daligal83 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Can I ask what your side of these conversations are? How exactly are you approaching the issue? I ask because it's possible that the way you are wording it, even if it's not your intention, may come off as controlling. If you are telling her flat out that you don't want her to be in the same hotel as her ex, yea it seems like you don't trust her and are controlling. But if you explain how it makes you feel without telling her not to do it, that's a different story. If you aren't doing that already, try it and see how she reacts. Also explain that you feel that she's not trying to understand your feelings in the situation. If she still blows you off, then I think it's time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 For the salsa - she sent me an e-mail telling me she was taking this up with her single friend (female) as a way of keeping fit! I just replied highlighting that I had expressed a real interest for us to go together earlier in the year. I also said that she is a beautiful woman, and I felt uncomfortable with her taking this up and dancing with loads of other guys in such a sexy way! For the wedding I explained that I was upset that I had not been invited to at least the evening party - where it is essentially just a bar - so no cost impact on the married couple. That she obviously needed to go, but that I felt uncomfortable about her staying in the same hotel overnight with her ex. On both situtauons, I have also asked her to consider how she might feel if the situations were reversed. She basically fired back at me, saying I didn't trust her, that she should be able to go where she wants, and that I should trust her not to put herself in situations that may compromise that trust! I explained to her that I had sought the views of friends and they pretty much supported my way of feeling, but I also acknowledged that everyone is different. She fired back at me saying it was totally irrelevant what anyone else thought..... she then went on to say that she would go to Salsa, go to the wedding, go to parties where her ex is, go on vacation with here friends if she wants...... That I should not doubt that she loves me, but she didn't want to hear how I felt about these situations.... that she has said her bit.... and that is the end of it..... that if I bring it up again as far as she is concerned it is over! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremiah Johnson Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 that if I bring it up again as far as she is concerned it is over! I would definitely bring it up again... ](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Honestly, I think you are both being unreasonable in ways. I know that if I was your girlfriend, I'd be seeing you as insecure right now. But that's just my view knowing how I am in relationships and how I would expect to be trusted. Maybe you have reason not to trust her in these situations. It's also knowing that for me, an ex is an ex for a reason and I don't go back. Again she could be different. But I can understand her frustration. On the other hand, she's being completely unreasonable by saying that she doesn't want to hear how you feel and to never bring it up again. That's just flat out immature and cold. It's not how a relationship works. Each person has their own level of comfort in a relationship about certain issues. For example, I've never had a problem with a boyfriend going to a strip club as long as he doesn't get a lap dance. Other women would have a problem with the whole thing, and others wouldn't care about any of it. Each person is different. It seems that your levels in this relationship are different and not being understood or respected. I bet if she was willing to sit down with you and have a rational discussion where you each try to understand each other's views, you'd feel a lot better about the situation. But she isn't. I think taking away these specific situations, the larger concerning issue is her lack of respect for you and how you feel. You need to really sit back and think about this and figure out if it's a quality that you want and can handle in a partner, because I doubt she'll be changing anytime soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Here is the problem: You are a jealous, possessive type guy and she is a very independent type girl. That usually doesn't work. You are going to feel constantly worried and jealous, and she is going to feel constantly stifled and smothered. Personally, i see absolutely nothing wrong with her going to a friend's wedding alone, even if there were 50 gorgeous movie stars there for her to cheat with. She's having fun, and if she loves you and the relationship was meant to be, she won't cheat. And if she cheats, then the relationship wasn't meant to be and it is better off over. And re: the salsa dancing, she wants to get out and have fun with a friend. You're picturing sexy movie star guys with her, but her salsa dancer could be some old dude, or a smelly guy, or whatever. Again, there are a MILLION guys she can cheat with, and dancing with someone is not having sex with them. You can't put her in a cage unless she wants to be in a cage, and she's made it clear she doesn't. I suspect next she will suggest skydiving (and you'll say to yourself, danger, handsome pilots) or has to go on a business trip (danger, good looking guy she works with) or whatever. You can't police her 24x7 and firewall her from other guys. There are LOTS of very dependent and clingy women out there who would be perfectly happy to stay home every night, do your laundry and cook and never leave the house. If you are extremely jealous and can't get a grip, go get yourself a clingy girl rather than an independent one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tictactoe2006 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 There s a difference between being 'independent' and being cavalier about the whole relationship. I know that this is a lifetime TV kind of world and the guy is always wrong, but don't you think that his g/f could at least have a sit-down with him to discuss? Again, I know he is a guy and thereforeee in the wrong, but at least humor him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks for the recent responses..... BEStrongBeHappy..... I am rather mythed by your response..... have you read all the threads?! I am in no way really possessive..... example - she went on a 3 night vacation with her ex and his friends in Spring - I supported this, and while she was away even did loads of DIY for her on her house! She has been to Balls with friends where he ex has been in attendance, she still speaks to her ex, she is going on a 2 night hen weekend - which again I am totally supportive about..... The issue for me is her totally lack of empathy, her unwillingness to at least try and understand why I would be feeling uncomfortable in given situations.... Oh and finally the fact that there have been a number of instances where I have had ex's contact me, or gone out with the lads, and she had given me the 3rd degree..... to me this is totally unfair. If I am in a relationship, I am committed to that woman, I empathise with that woman, and would try and modify situations for which she may feel uncomfortable. Oh, and finally, I do all my laundry, house work, and a majority of cooking. I have always been very good in this respect, and always pulled my weight with house hold chores. This is not a case of lack of trust..... this is a case of my g/f being totally dismissive of how I feel, knowing very well that she would be feeling exactly the same should I be doing what she is. Before anyone suggests..... I am not really into trying to give her a taste of her own medicine. To me if we both acted this way, there would be no respect at all..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
free2Bme Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Perhaps she is a bit taken aback by your reactions now, considering you were ok with similar things in the past. When she went on a 3 night break with him, why were you ok about that? Presumably she would have spent the night in the same hotel as him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 I was certainly not comfortable with the idea of her going with her ex on vacation, and I disucssed my concern then. It was something that had been planned the previous year, and involved a number of her girl friends - so I could understand why she wanted to go. This was also relatively early on in our relationship, and I kind of thought that she really didn't need to be too concerned about my feelings then. As we have got closer, I thought that she might consider my feelings more, and either start involving me in similar activities, or at least modify things to try and alleviate my concerns if situations like the wedding came up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
free2Bme Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 God, I gotta say if I were in your shoes I would not be comfortable with the situation either. And I would not stay with someone who didn't see me as any sort of priority in their life. I can kind of understand why you didn't get invited to the wedding, I wouldn't be happy with it either though. The trouble is, if you are to stay in her life, then her ex will have to accept this, and, at some point, probably be at an event when you are there too. I don't think it would have been too unreasonable of her to just say to the bride that it's a shame you couldn't go too, and that she'd really like you there (if infact she really WOULD like you to be there) She may be a lot more independent, but that doesn't mean it's ok to say she doesn't want to hear about your feelings on the matter, hopefully she said that in the heat of the moment and it's not what she really means, but do you really want to be with someone like that long term? I think you need to have a serious think about where you see this relationship going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremiah Johnson Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you here. I've witnessed the pair combos you're referring to and then I've witnessed combinations quite different. My feeling on this situation is that she is not being entirely forthcoming and her agitation is due to masking the truth rather than from his inquiries. Could be wrong, but that's the vibe I get for this particular situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tictactoe2006 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I hear ya Doc. Amazing, isn't it, how if a guy doesn;t just suck up whatever is thrown out there by his gf, he is categorized as jealous and possessive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks for the responses...... I am glad some people see me point of view... I am really finding it hard to understand what is going on in relationships today.... I was in a 7 year relationship until 18 months ago, and due to work commitments etc I neglected my ex (who was really good to me), and we grew apart. I have gone into this relationship with no baggage after taking time out. I am approaching it with a clear mind and heart, and trying to involve myself in activities that a) I had wanted to do, but work commitments had not allowed, and b) what my ex g/f's and their female friends had always eluded they would like to do together..... Take the Salsa for example.... I suggested we do this together in Feb, and now she has thrown that back in my face, and said she is going with her friend as she doesn't want to go with her b/f! The wedding..... I wanted to be there for her..... be seen as a strong couple when she see's her ex again, and generally invest some time getting to know some of her friends better...... I would never go away with an ex when I was in a new relationship - regardless of what I may be missing out on - I just feel it would be unfair and insensitive to my partner. All I get thrown in my face now is that I am too sensitive for a guy! You can't win, try and be sensitive and open up and you get burned for being this way..... be the typical man - beers and footie, leave the woman at home type of fella, and you get criticised for not understanding, and not being sensitive enough..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted-account Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I want to say that I side with you, but that really isn't the biggest issue. Whether what she's doing is right or wrong, the issue here is the huge difference in your beliefs. You two really aren't compatible. It sucks to hear it, but it's the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 That is a two way street bro. If she really RESPECTED YOU she would understand your concerns about her staying in the same hotel as her ex. Note this staying there is not a random occurrence. Shes staying there, and you are not there because someone (her/him/groom?) decided that they didnt want YOU there, for a myriad of reasons. Thats a red flag. Were I her, I would say one of two things. If you want me to come to the wedding and stay at the hotel with you guys, my girl (or in your case guy) has to be there. Or, if she/he isnt allowed to come I will go to the wedding but I will be getting my own hotel. I think THAT action on her part would go a long way towards showing you that a) she cares about your feelings and b) that she can, and should be trusted. But when your partner basically says F Off Ill do what I want... thats a HUGE problem. In regards to the dancing, I wouldnt mind her going dancing with the girls as long as she comes home to you, and doesnt stay out drinking, or going out meeting up with the guys afterwards. But the fact that she doesnt WANT you to go along (at least sometimes) is yet another red flag. And it shows one of two things a) shes trying to push you away and just doesnt care about your feelings or b) she is really up to no good ie cheating... either one of those isnt good on your part. I think you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel about her, and tell her that you wont try to control her. However, you are a man, and you are part of this relationship and have every right to set some standards of behavior regarding the type of person you share your life with. Telling her not to go to the gym because theres cute guys there... yeah thats out of line. Telling her not to spend the night at her ex bf's apartment.... thats perfectly reasonable. You two both need to come to an agreement on where exactly that line of trust, and respect lies. If she is unwilling to compromise on this at all, then the relationship is over bro. This crap will eat at you, and eat at you until you drive yourself crazy with worry. It will get worse, and you will just keep thinking that each and every thing that happens is the worst case scenario (trust me Ive been there). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Honestly, I think you are both being unreasonable in ways. I know that if I was your girlfriend, I'd be seeing you as insecure right now. Consider the fact that his girlfriends actions are more or less throwing gasonline on the fire there though. He says, ya know Im not real happy/ comfortable etc. with x y and z. And she says oh yeah, well tough $4iT Im doing it anyways. It would be a recovering alcoholic hanging out at the bars and saying WHAT im not doing anything. Quit worrying, dont you trust me? Uh. no not right now I dont. Personal Story: My girl was doing some suspicous (to me) things a while back. Text messages, instant messages on the cpu some of which were downright innapropriate and I saw them and caught her red handed. Other times I would walk in the room and she would hurry up and hide her cell phone, or close out her messanger thing. Or text her 'friend' to tell him I had her phone that day... now some of these things may have been not as bad as I thought... but she was doing everything on her part to make me wonder, and make me think the worst of it all. It just fueled my concerns and insecurity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01D Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 She had sex with her ex during that weekend, and she's going to again while she's gone for the wedding. You should walk away now, before you actually catch her cheating on you in your bed, and she asks you to wait outside with a cigarette and a match. She's not even bothering to try to manipulate you, because she knows he doesn't have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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