Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 My g/f of 6 months has just been invited to a friends wedding, but I have not been invited...... Her ex b/f of 2 years is the best man at the wedding. The wedding is 150 miles from home so will involve an overnight stay in a hotel. I feel really frustrated that she feels I am over reacting when I said I was not happy with her going without me - am I being unreasonable? She just doesn't seem to appreciate how bad it makes me feel, and says that I am making her feel bad for expressing how I feel about the situation. Any advice would be much appreciated. Ed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted-account Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 So she's not allowed to bring a guest? What are you ages? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 No she is not allowed to take a guest....... I have been told that I am being unreasonable for feeling uneasy about the situation, and that it is no big deal. She is late 20's I am early/Mid 30's. Earlier in the year she went away for a long weekend with the couple to be wed and her ex b/f as this had been booked before they split. I was really uneasy but felt I should trust her..... I just feel I have been more than reasonable, and this is taking the P**s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted-account Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hmmm... I can see this from several viewpoints. I'm still a little hung up on her not being allowed to bring a guest. I thought it was standard that when you invite an adult to a wedding, you invite that person "and guest." Does this friend even know you exist? I don't see a good reason why you wouldn't be included if you've been together 6 months. Maybe your GF can request you be invited? It does seem a little odd. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where my GF wasn't allowed to come. Adding this to the earlier long weekend, I might feel a little uneasy also. Is there anything else about her that makes you question things? If this is the only issue like that, then just let it slide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 The reason why I have not been invited, is because her ex is the best man (i.e. the Grooms best friend). Apparently I would make him feel uncomfortable! When I asked if she could request an invite for me, she said it would be really rude for her to ask, and put her friend in such an awkward position. I just feel like me feelings count for nothing, that she can attend such things and for my feelings to be pushed to one side. I am not the possessive type, but just feel that I am being made to feel this way, when I am sure most guys would feel the same way...... or is that an assumption on my part? The wedding is one thing, it is the evening do, and the overnight stay in the hotel that is making me feel real uneasy....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Well - bottom line is until she breaks your trust you have to let her go and stop making such a big deal of it. I'm not sure who broke up with who back then but she is with you now. I mean if you throw some temper tantrum and she doesn't go we'll then you look like an *** and then months to years later it will keep being brought up. And, honestly do you want to be in a relationship where you dictate where and who she will go with? Does she? I think that leads to another whole ball of wax. The best thing you can do is support her. Tell her you'll miss while she is away and then say - hey at least text me when they cut the cake... etc. That way you'll be a little involved and show interest in something that is important to her and you'lll see that she's making an effort to involve you. Personally I think it rude of the wedding couple to not allow her to invite a guest! But, to each his own - not everyone could possibly share the same view. Good Luck, Cats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Has your gf done anything to make you suspicious in general and more specifically with this ex? Do they keep in regular contact with one another? Are they friendly? On the one hand, I totally understand why you'd feel uneasy. On the other hand, if she has done nothing to betray your trust in the past, why not give her the trust that she's earned and deserves? I dont know if this is a weird thought or not but I'll just throw it out there -- the wedding and the reception would take 3 ~ 4 hours at most, right? If you cant go to the wedding, maybe you can just drive up there together and enjoy a weekend road-trip, of sorts? I want to be careful in suggesting this because I wouldnt want your gf to get the impression that you'd do this to keep an eye on her or something. Just food for thought. [Added: I also think it's rude for them to not allow your gf to invite her SO. And the trip they took earlier in the year ... sure, I understand that it was booked and all but couldnt your gf have bowed out of it somehow? I dont want to create conflict where there is none but still, I dont think you're being overly irrational here. I understand why your gf wouldn't want to insist on taking you (out of respect to her friend getting married) but maybe she could have been a bit more understanding about why you might feel uneasy??] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I understand why you'd feel uneasy, but I don't think it's to the extent that you can tell your girlfriend not to go. This isn't just a weekend trip she's going on. She's going to see her friend get married. That's a one time deal (hopefully). And you want her to miss out on being there for her friend's big day because you feel uneasy? I don't see that as fair. Like some others said, it doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to not trust her. You said that she went to another wedding where he was because it was booked in advance. Well everything turned out OK in that situation, right? So why wouldn't it this time? I'm not saying you have no right to not like the situation. That's understandable. But I also don't think it's OK for you to make a huge deal of out it and make her feel guilty for wanting to go. Her going to this wedding has nothing to do with the ex and everything to do with wanting to see her friend get married. And as far as you not being invited, I've been invited to weddings where I was not allowed to bring a guest (and at the time I had a boyfriend). I didn't get an explanation, but I'm 99% sure it was due to financial reasons. Weddings get large very fast and sometimes that means that people can't bring others. I know at one of my best friend's weddings, she only let the wedding party bring guests unless people were married. I know you stated that this isn't the reason in this case, but I just wanted to address the comments about it being weird that you weren't invited. I don't see it as all that unusual, especially if the couple doesn't know you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Thanks for the replies..... really appreciate peoples insight. Just to clarify..... I don't want to me in a relationship where I dictate what my g/f does, that is why I let her make her mind up regarding the long weekend earlier in the year. I just thought that by me cutting her some slack on that occasion she would be a bit more understanding in the future. I just think it is really rude, and insensitive for her friends not to invite me. If I was in the situation that my g/f currently is in, I would not attend the wedding. I would not want my g/f to feel uncomfortable (as I know she would), and would rather miss a wedding than upset her. It is just getting me down...... I don't want to feel on edge every other month with situations like this. I have been in relationships for 20 years now, and have never been with anyone that shows such little empathy for their partner, and twists things around to make me feel like I am the one with a problem. I really love this woman, but I hate feeling like this...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Well here's your answer: 'I have been in relationships for 20 years now, and have never been with anyone that shows such little empathy for their partner, and twists things around to make me feel like I am the one with a problem.' This is a big red flag! If you genuinely feel you are being reasonable, and that she has no empathy, why are you still with this person? If the person getting married is a very very good friend, i would expect her to go. If it is just an acquaintance, no. And you do realize that if she is going to cheat, she is going to do it anywhere and doesn't have to go away for a weekend to do it? I think you are getting over upset about this if you genuinely do trust her. If you don't trust her, and you think she is unempathetic, then i think you shouldn't be with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 The friend is more of an aquaintance than a good friend. She met her through her old b/f, but they remained friends when they split. I understand that nobody needs to go away for the weekend to cheat, but the chances are rather much higher..... especially when alcohol is involved..... single guys...... and her ex! It was her ex that also split up with her, which is prehaps why I feel more uncomfortable about this......! I really don't consider myself to be unreasonable, and would admit so if I thought I was being. I don't know what I should do...... I really want a relationship where i don't feel on edge with these kinds of things all the time..... BUT, she is a really nice woman, and has so many good things that I really like and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Ed- what would you like her to do? not go to her friends wedding? cause a big scene to get you included? really? what would you like her to do? Its her friends who did the inviting ..not your gf... and i dont think its fair of you to expect her to rectify the situation when in reality .. she has no control over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 I do not want her to cause a scene, I do not want her not to go to her friends wedding...... what has upset me is that she shows no empathy towards how I feel about the situation....... and I feel really uncomfortable about the situation. Sure I can sit back, say nothing, and bottle this all up...... but chances are in time that will just end up eroding me from the inside. I don't know what i can do...... I just feel like this is the 3rd or 4th time that I have been in this situation with my g/f, she always feels like it is my issue, and yet in all my previous relationships my partners would have been sensitive to how I feel and not make me feel to be over reacting...... Maybe I am...... but I would hope there are others out there that would feel the same way in this situation..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hey there. I can understand why you'd feel leery and certainly you have the right to express your concerns. Your gf should always hear you out when expressing concern. I'm sure she'd want you to in the reverse situation. From the other POV, of course the best man is going to take priority but I don't see why if they are broken up HE should feel awkard. After all, as the best man he should be focusing on the groom, not his ex and you. I think your gf either needs to ask if there's any way you can attend or reassure you that things will be fine. Just to show that she is hearing you out. I don't think you can ask her not to go in all fairness (it's not her fault after all that the best man is her ex) , but the main issue here seems to be that you are upset but she is just brushing off your concerns instead of hearing you out. You two need to have a conversation about this issue. But it needs to be brought up as a separate issue from the wedding. She really is not in control of that situation and it would be rude to act as though it's her fault- it's not. BUT_ she does need to show you that she cares about YOU and your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I'm sure that some would not agree with my opinion but, I think she should consider your feelings, and ask you to go with her, even if you don't attend the wedding. I'm wondering if this has been brought up...Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucabrasi Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 well, I know there is a lot of "dont worry about it" being posted. But I for one, can totally understand your predicament. Your girlfriend should be absolutely livid that you were not invited because someone is acting like a child and might feel uncomfortable. The fact that she does not feel that way is troubleing. You throw a past history together, a wedding, alcohol, him wearing a tux, and an overnight stay all in the same bag, you can pretty much bet she is going to cheat on you dude. * * * * ing women. She is going to turn this around on you for being uncomfortable with it. Thats completely BS and backwards. She is the one who should feel uncomfortable. Ask yourself this, Why would that guy request you not be invited? Think on that one becuase I think both him and your girlfriend are excited about you not being there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremiah Johnson Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 This is a big red flag! If you genuinely feel you are being reasonable, and that she has no empathy, why are you still with this person? I'm going to have to concur with BeStrong. The whole situation sounds sketchy... she went away with her ex-bf and the bride and groom for a long weekend earlier in the year. Now she is going to a wedding where you can't come but her ex-bf will be there. This has sketch written all over it. Can you imagine how most women would react if roles were reverses and it was their boyfriend in this situation going to this wedding? Doubt it would be pretty. Now, it's certainly conceivable that this is all innocent... but even so, it shows you and her have different value systems. If you were in the same situation, you wouldn't go. I think you'd be happier with a girl that shared in those same thoughts. P.S. I should emphasize, whatever you do, don't half-ass your decision. From what you described, she has no ambivalence about this situation and she's solid on her stance. So I think either you're going to have to be completely OK with it and let it slide or you're going to have to break up with her. If you try to argue this one out, nothing good will come from it IMHO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I think in this case being a wedding and all, I would only suggest that she not stay in the same hotel as the ex. I think thats reasonable. After all you are being disinvited due to his feelings.... I would wonder if maybe he had other motivations there. Your girl might not think anything of the sort... but he might. But other than that, I would simply tell her to go and have a good time. Then let the issue drop, the more you harp about it the more shes going to NOT want to deal with issues like this in the future. When she gets back, tell her that in the future you would like to be included if possible when she goes on trips etc. If she doesnt want you around for that stuff, then its time for a new gf. I wouldnt give her too much of a hard time about this one though, her friend is getting married... thats a big deal. And its really not in her hands as to who is invited. *edit: I just read a little more of one of your responses... maybe this chick does really have a different set of values than you. I think you need to sit her down either before, or after this wedding and have a big talk about that. In the future I would definitely have to put my foot down if she wanted to spend any time around the ex that involved any sort of trip/ vacation/ hotels etc. If her friends are really her friends, they should act like it and realize that she has a life outside of them. That life includes her current boyfriend (you) and you should be allowed to go with her places. If they are worried about her exes feelings... then they have two choices. They can worry about her feelings too, and tell him to man up because you are gonna be there. Or they can tell him, hey so and so is coming with us with her new man... if you are uncomfortable being around him well call you after they leave and then we can hang out. But if the situation is going to result in your GF, her ex, and her friends all hanging out with you at home scratching your head... id send her packing. Put up with it this once, then not again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 Thanks for all the responses - I really appreciate everyones insight. My problem took another turn last night, when the g/f announced that she was taking up Salsa dancing..... she is going with a single female friend.... BUT I feel really uneasy about this also. I am beginning to feel like a possessive partner, but my thoughts on Salsa is that it is a close, sexy dance, which will require her partnering up with another guy....! Am I right? Based on the fact that I suggested taking this up 5 - 6 months ago with her, I am a little mythed by this. I understand that she may be going for her friends benefit, but again I feel uncomfortable with this..... am I right for feeling this way..... is there something wrong with me? I don't mind her going to pubs / clubs and for girly nights out as that is important. I am even not bothered about her going on a Hen weekend, as again I think she will have a good laugh, and it is important. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not possessive and controlling, but feel uneasy with a number of situations at present. I don't want to loose this girl, I love her, but just feel that it is unfair for me to be happy with her doing Salsa with another guy every week, just because her friend can't find a man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Why dont you take the salsa classes with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 Hi Ellie.... that is what I have suggested..... awaiting the response! I don't know if she is intentionally trying to push me, make me jealous, or if it is me that has the problem...... whatever, it is getting me down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Sorry for the multiple posts. If I may ask: what are some "couple's activities" that you do together? I glanced at your past threads and it seems like she has an active social life, which is not always inclusive of you. Now I'm not saying that one should NOT have his/her individual interest when in a relationship, but there definitely has to be balance with quality "together-time" with his/her SO, no? If you feel as though you two are not spending enough time together doing stuff like going camping/picnic/trip to museum or traveling together or enjoying a common hobby or whatever, how about cultivating a few? If she shrugs off your suggestions, then I'd re-think what BeStrongBeHappy said earlier about your gf's lack of empathy towards you. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 I am feeling really fed up with feeling like this..... am I over reacting.... do I have personal issues.....? I have never been made to feel possessive, or controlling..... I feel that I am a reasonable guy, and treat my partner with the respect and love that I hope to be treated with to... I have just had a blazing row with my g/f.... she has basically said.... Like it or lump it..... I need to accept her doing these things or it is over. She says she loves me, but she feels like I am being totally unreasonable. If I trusted her, she would be able to go away with her ex, stay in the same hotel after the wedding with her ex, go to salsa classes and dance with loads of other men.... go clubbing with her ex and friends.... I just feel really sad, upset, and don't know what to do..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremiah Johnson Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 she has basically said.... Like it or lump it..... IMHO, I don't think she really cares much about you. If she's that indifferent, it's not good for you to stay with her. From what you've described, she basically wants to exclude you from most everything that any normal girlfriend would likely desire her bf to do with her. I would definitely choose lump over like... :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 ^ I agree with Doc Holiday: I'd also choose lump over like because that kind of non-negotiable attitude is a definitely turn-off, not only as a person I'm dating but also in people I interact on any basis. Also, if you've never been "made to feel [like you're] possessive and controlling" before BUT it's interaction with your current gf that's making you suspect that you might be ... well maybe it's her and not you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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