And now it starts

[Anachronism]

She is listening to the counselor, though, in a way she isn't listening to me. I think she's aware that she has had no contact whatsoever with anyone outside that damned music forum for months. She's starving for an unbiased third party opinion.

 

This morning we talked for about a half hour. More seriously than we have in about a week. She definitely heard what the counselor had to say, though there's still no sign at all that she's rediscovering any love. Everything is interpreted negatively.

 

We go back, separately, tomorrow. Her 50-minute session is right before mine. These sessions are just too short.

 

Part of the reason I love her so much is her strength and independence. We both had so much to bring into the relationship. It's too bad that same strength is manifesting right now.

[jazzykat]

I so second and third that!!!!!!!!!!

 

And I'm in for a fourth!!

[jazzykat]

She is listening to the counselor, though, in a way she isn't listening to me. I think she's aware that she has had no contact whatsoever with anyone outside that damned music forum for months. She's starving for an unbiased third party opinion.

 

This morning we talked for about a half hour. More seriously than we have in about a week. She definitely heard what the counselor had to say, though there's still no sign at all that she's rediscovering any love. Everything is interpreted negatively.

 

We go back, separately, tomorrow. Her 50-minute session is right before mine. These sessions are just too short.

 

Part of the reason I love her so much is her strength and independence. We both had so much to bring into the relationship. It's too bad that same strength is manifesting right now.

 

Again Anachronism I wish you well!

 

I do have to say though, that I think *you* are stronger then you give yourself credit for!!

 

This is a difficult/painful situation for anybody to be thrown into, but you seem to be handling it in a positive way!

 

I know this may sound lame and cliche, but I really think you need to give yourself a pat on the back! -if there was an icon in the smilies that could do that, I would insert it here..

 

Continue to hold your head high, and please don't sell yourself short with how you are coping.

 

~Virtual Hug~

 

Jaz.

[Anachronism]

Again Anachronism I wish you well!

 

I do have to say though, that I think *you* are stronger then you give yourself credit for!!

 

This is a difficult/painful situation for anybody to be thrown into, but you seem to be handling it in a positive way!

 

I know this may sound lame and cliche, but I really think you need to give yourself a pat on the back! -if there was an icon in the smilies that could do that, I would insert it here..

 

Continue to hold your head high, and please don't sell yourself short with how you are coping.

 

~Virtual Hug~

 

Jaz.

 

 

That's very sweet, Jaz. I wish I had that strength right now. I'm aware that every day this goes on scars me permanently.

 

I'm not coping well. I haven't done any work since I found out about the emotional affair (which had started only hours before I found out). Not a pleasant way to wake up.

[Anachronism]

More bad news.

 

We had our individual appointments this afternoon.

 

The therapist had asked my wife to give up her online infatuation and give us three months to work on things.

 

Instead, she's only willing to give therapy one more month, and is not willing to give this guy up, even though I think she understands the chances of that succeeding are roughly equivalent to McCain's chances of carrying California, New York and Massachusetts in November.

 

She still doesn't want to talk to me at all, and was back on the damned music forum within minutes of coming home.

[Anachronism]

Continuing the soliloquy...

 

Some more difficult conversation this morning.

 

She wants to use this month just to find a new place and arrange to move. Our last intake session with the councilor is tomorrow, but she has made it clear there's no room to work on issues. She resents that I haven't moved out yet, to make this "easier" on her.

[IMAbadman]

Why are you moving out? Hell, she wants out... let her get her a$$ right on out the front door.

[Anachronism]

Why are you moving out? Hell, she wants out... let her get her a$$ right on out the front door.

 

I'm not. It's just emblematic of where she is right now that she actually resents that I'd rather work on things than leave. It would be easier on her because she takes care of our son.

 

I think it would easier on our son, long-term, to have his parents work on their marriage, but she seems to think that a relationship with a 44-year-old accross the ocean who has never been in a serious relationship in his life shows more promise. At least until they meet.

[Anachronism]

Our final intake session did not go well. Basically, the counselor spent the entire hour telling my wife she was being impulsive and hadn't thought things through financially or logistically.

 

But there was no sign of wavering in her. And the counselor basically told me to go into NC. She tried to convince my wife to go spend a month at her brother's house to plan things, and maybe seek counseling there. I hope she takes that opportunity.

[Anachronism]

Just a fountain of despair lately.

 

My wife remains convinced we've had a loveless marriage, and we shared nothing of real value over the last 12 years.

 

She is also convinced that, immediately after we separate, she can pack up her stuff and the kid and move to England and live happily ever after.

 

Two weeks ago? Nothing. He was just some friend on a message board who she had never even spoken to.

 

Anyhow, she is returning to her brother's house 800 miles from here. She will stay there at least a couple of weeks. Presumably, she will find an apartment and move out immediately upon return.

 

I am not planning on contacting her while she's gone. The last couple of weeks, there's just been no getting through at all. The therapist called her "closed off."

[Sparkie]

Hey mate. Sounds like you are doing it tough. I know there's nothing that can be said to make this any easier, but I check in on your thread pretty regularly to see how you are going.

 

Just hang in as best as you can. The only person you need to worry about is you at the moment. Keep posting if it helps.

 

Take care mate. One day at a time.

 

Sparkie

[IMAbadman]

Hang tough buddy. She's not worth your tears. She sounds a bit selfish and self centered.

[Anachronism]

I'm just looking for a way to break through to her.

 

Normally, she is very kind, loving, giving. The last couple of weeks, she has seemed manic, impulsive and cruel.

 

She has herself convinced that I don't care about her. She is constantly connected to this person, and they reassure each other that this is real. To her, he represents an ideal no one could live up to.

[IMAbadman]

Well she's probably going to find that the grass isn't greener and you be faced with the question, "Do I want her back after all she's done to me?"

[Anachronism]

Well she's probably going to find that the grass isn't greener and you be faced with the question, "Do I want her back after all she's done to me?"

 

Unfortunately, by that time, no. I couldn't handle that.

 

Right now, there's this purgatory where it's just words. I think I could convince myself that it was simply a transfer of her feelings for me, things she wants to say to me but has forgotten how.

 

But if they meet, no, there's no going back.

 

I haven't even talked to her in three days. That's by far the longest we've gone since we met in 1995.

[IMAbadman]

Well then it's probably time to start moving on. You've got to stay strong and think of yourself.

[Anachronism]

I don't think you just move on, or even start to move on two weeks after a 12 1/2-year relationship (11 1/2 married) suddenly breaks.

 

We have real problems, and many of them are my doing. We didn't get where we are now alone.

 

Unfortunately, she doesn't want to work on these problems right now. She wants a separation.

 

For my part, all I can do is tell her I love her, give her space, and hope absense makes her miss me.

 

I'm not good at NC. I met with the counselor on my own yesterday, and she recommended that I call my wife and give her a brief message. So I did.

 

She returned the call this morning. I definitely heard a change. Less of the manic false love for this stranger she's never met, but a determination to separate and figure things out on her own.

 

I told her I'd help her with the logistics of moving out. She asked if I could find a psychiatrist for our son, who is having some problems now (cruelty to animals, which has been a challenge for us for a while now, but seems to be getting worse).

 

While the odds are we'll never make it as a family again, we will probably keep the area psychiatry profession healthy and profitable.

[Anachronism]

Thought I'd update this even though there isn't a lot going on.

 

I think when she sounded more practical the other day, she was just trying to sell it. From the amount she's spending on her cell, and a couple of other cues, she still thinks she's madly in love with the overseas chump she's never met.

 

I had sent email to her dad last week, hoping to open a discussion. He responded yesterday, and I called him at work. We talked for about a half hour, and it went well. He seemed encouraged by the changes I've already made.

 

He has some experience in counseling (former chaplain) and he doesn't think my wife is being very realistic right now. But it's not like he can tell his daughter what to do.

 

I'm not sure when she plans to come back and find an apartment. I hate still having hope because it hurts so much, but I also can't imagine not growing old with her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Have you talked with an attorney? I don't think you want her taking your son out of the country overseas to live with a man she's never met until you've settled custody issues.

 

In fact, I doubt a judge would support her taking your son overseas under these conditions, and might award custody to you. For all you know, the overseas guy could be some freak who is not what he appears to be. She is an adult and can make the decision to run off with a stranger, but don't let her take your child off into the unknown like that.

 

You need to find your anger instead of despair, and fight for your son's wellbeing. I honestly think it is madness to run off overseas to be with someone you have never met and take your child with you. He could be a nut or child molestor for all you know, and she is showing VERY faulty judgment to even consider this.

 

I think a judge would see it the same way if you show evidence she has never met this guy and is preparing to move your son there on a whim. Odds are very good that the judge would not allow her to take your son out of the country at all until this is all resolved, and he might well award custody to you if she is showing such a serious lapse in judgment.

 

Gather all the evidence you can of her phone records, emails, any online conversations etc. she has with this guy. Also protect your joint savings so she doesn't cash them in and run off with the money. You really do need to talk to an attorney and explain this situation. She is putting your son at risk by taking him out of the country and away from his father to run off wiht a man she really knows nothing about and hasn't even met yet.

 

Your son could be in danger. He is too little to protect himself, and you wife is certainly not thinking clearly at all about what is prudent or what makes sense to protect her child. So he does need your protection. Put your own pain aside for a bit and snap out of it. You are not powerless, your child is a citizen of this country and not the country she is trying to take him to, and you have as much right to custody of your child as she does, especially if she has gone off her nut over some stranger.

 

If it were me in this situation, i would immediately file for sole custody. If she tries to take your son out of the country once such a motion has been filed and she does not have permission from the judge, she will be subject to kidnapping charges and you will immediately be awarded full custody. If nothing else, filing for custody may slow her down from leaving for overseas giving her time to come to her senses. But if she is determined to be with this guy to the point she will abandon her own child, then good riddance. If she defies a court order, you will most likely instantly be awarded permanent custody.

 

Make sure that you have the guy's address and know enough about him such that if she flees the country with your child, you can find out where she has gone and get your child back. Don't let her know your plan and intent to file for custody until you have discussed this with a lawyer.

 

It is time to spring into action to protect your son. Think about him for awhile rather than yourself.

[Anachronism]

Thanks for your concern.

 

While she is certainly behaving in an irrational manner, I'm much more concerned about the long-term effects on our son than the short-term effects.

 

If I do something like you suggest, things will get bitter and vindictive very quickly, and that will ultimately cause everyone much more harm.

 

She is the primary caregiver right now. I am really not prepared to take full custody. I'd like to start just with visitation rights, and go from there.

 

My understanding is that at least in the state where I live (Michigan) she can not legally take him out of the country without my permission. I intend to exercise that right.

 

Ideally, before we get lawyers baring their teeth at each other, I would like to see her get counseling.