DN Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Seems as if the only thing he has going for him is that he gives you money. I think you might look for something more in a relationship than money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes i joined in on that thread... All i can think to say is that if you are silly enough to be with a violent man (if he is) AND cheat,and lie....Im sorry but you knew the risks involved here. And as for marriage & kids??? Well i will keep that to myself.. I was there too, a LOT, giving an opinion from a person who herself cheated on an ex (it was a one off) and left him. I was the one never told him of the betrayal (lots of people called me out about that too). What I am getting at here is simple. The OP, new to these boards, showed up and painted for all of us the picture of a sweet, loving guy she had been with for 5 years and had a one-off night with another guy. SHe shows some pretty serious remorse at first, but then it became sort of obvious her posting was more to hear people tell her it was okay to stay and never tell him. Now, suddenly she comes here again, talking about how her "only concern" is what her sisters might say, and she is painting him in a completely different light, as a jerk, abusive, and irrational. It begs for me two questions: If her real reason for cheating is lack of affection and happiness in her relationship, why does she stay? and two: Doesn't anyone find it strange and odd that she is suddenly changing her tune about what he is like as a person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
under.my.umbrell Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Seems as if the only thing he has going for him is that he gives you money. I think you might look for something more in a relationship than money. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I truly cared about him and I still do. However, I'm scarred to leave because I've never lived on my own. I'm 22 and have been living with him for 4 years now. Before that I was staying with random people. Don't get me wrong, I am independent and could probably make it on my own, but there are too many factors involved in breaking up that I don't want to deal with right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You said at the beginning of this thread that you wanted to be with him until you die. Now, unless that was some bad joke about his violence, it doesn't add up to what you are saying now. Perhaps you could make this situation a little more clear - because right now it seems very contradictory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlost Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Should I stay with him for financial reasons and be a little unhappy forever, or should I spread my wings and fly away and find someone that will show me affection? No offense, but I can't believe you would even have to ask that question. Ask yourself if you want to be unhappy for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Wake up every morning from now on and say out loud: God, thank you for giving me a racist, abusive jerk for a husband. Thank you for making me walk on eggshells so that I won't piss him off. Oh, and thank you for the Tiffany's necklace he bought me last week after he pushed me down the stairs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
under.my.umbrell Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 I also love him a lot. We do have a 5 year history here. And no...We are NOT always physical with each other. And yes, the only reason we are physical is because one day he smacked me in the face for something stupid and I never left him so we just started hitting each other. Recently, within the past year, there hasn't been any abuse from either of us. I do love this man, I just wish that we could work on our relationship, but if I went to him today and told him that I wanted to go to counseling he would refuse. Sometimes it's like his way or the highway and it gets depressing dealing with someone who doesn't negotiate or even consider my opinions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Don't settle. If you can criticize him that much, he is not right for you. If you can keep the affair from him, he is not right for you. We all make mistakes. The cheating could be a one time thing, but given your opposition to his lack of emotional openness, you will feel the way you did when you cheated again. You will want an open, emotional man again. He cannot be that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
under.my.umbrell Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 No offense, but I can't believe you would even have to ask that question. Ask yourself if you want to be unhappy for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Wake up every morning from now on and say out loud: God, thank you for giving me a racist, abusive jerk for a husband. Thank you for making me walk on eggshells so that I won't piss him off. Oh, and thank you for the Tiffany's necklace he bought me last week after he pushed me down the stairs. I think you nailed it right on the head...I DO have to walk on egg shells for him..That's just how it has always been though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
under.my.umbrell Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 When I say that he is physically abusive.. I don't mean he beats me up or anything. But he might smack on the leg or arm out of anger everyone once in awhile and I will do it back to him....That's what I mean...To me..It still hurts...He has no right putting his hands on me period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
under.my.umbrell Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Don't settle. If you can criticize him that much, he is not right for you. If you can keep the affair from him, he is not right for you. We all make mistakes. The cheating could be a one time thing, but given your opposition to his lack of emotional openness, you will feel the way you did when you cheated again. You will want an open, emotional man again. He cannot be that. You don't even think that he can be that if we worked on it??? I know that it's his problem, whatever it is..But anyone can change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You don't even think that he can be that if we worked on it??? I know that it's his problem, whatever it is..But anyone can change. They dont usually in my experience... It can happenen though,i changed myself so i guess other people can. But they have to admit there is a problem in the first place. He doesnt sound like the kind of person who can do that. I could be wrong though.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow, you have both been violent with each other, he is not attentive to your needs, you are using him for his bank account, you cheated on him, you won't tell him because you don't know if he will react with violence, you have sisters that could potentially hold this over your head...and yet this is a guy you could see marrying just so that you would have financial security. I really seriously think you need to take a giant step backwards...you reap what you sow. You are living one great big lie and eventually that will come crashing down on you. You don't want to tell your boyfriend, not because of his physical or emotional tantrum, but because if he dumps you, the money ceases to flow...the gravy train is over until you can find another bank account in the shape of a man. Really, stand on your own two feet and don't make excuses for your behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 OP, here is the deal. I think based on what you are saying that you cheated because you were nearly as happy as you made yourself sound in the beginning (your other post). ](*,) He is no angel and neither are you. Now that we all know that? I think the entire previous 12 page post was useless because you didn't accurately represent your relationship as being one that was not going very well. I'd still say my first advice was the one I stick with, don't tell him but just move on. You don't sound right for each other. What you have right here is an opportunity. A moment, at 22 (which weirdly enough, was within a year of the age I was when I did what you did) to move on - NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS - and figure out yourself as a woman, an independent adult, etc. I know how hard it is to sort through your belongings with your mate, to advertise your apartment on craigslist and live with a stranger in the next room in order to pay the rent, to spend your first few nights alone hugging a teddy bear like you are 7 yrs old and afraid of the dark. I'm not going to lie here and tell you it's going to be easy. What I AM going to tell you is that when all is over with - It's totally worth it. Best wishes deary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Crazy - any chance you feel as fooled by that first post as I did? Funny how the story has changed. They both deserve better and they also derserve each other in some ways! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Crazy - any chance you feel as fooled by that first post as I did? Funny how the story has changed. They both deserve better and they also derserve each other in some ways! You know, I hadn't even read the other thread...I am glad I didn't. I hate when people paint themselves as a victim and then you find out that they are as bad as the person they are trashing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 In one thread you stated that you only smack each other on the arm or leg at times, and he's not abusive. In another thread you stated that he smacked you in the face one time...You don't think that's abusive???? I'm also have a difficult time following this story, Is it me, or does it keep changing!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You know, I hadn't even read the other thread...I am glad I didn't. I hate when people paint themselves as a victim and then you find out that they are as bad as the person they are trashing. Weird, I had thought you were on it? This is the 12 pager the other day about her cheating and should she tell or not - she was staying either way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 In one thread you stated that you only smack each other on the arm or leg at times, and he's not abusive. In another thread you stated that he smacked you in the face one time...You don't think that's abusive???? I'm also have a difficult time following this story, Is it me, or does it keep changing!? YES IT DOES KEEP CHANGING. If you have the patience, check this out. I cannot help but wonder if after she was drug through the mug in that post (and in my opinion, rightly so for lying to her boyfriend by not telling him about the cheating, then staying like nothing ever happened...) why she is JUST NOW saying "oh he is abusive, he's an a**hole, etc" The two stories do not remotely match up. Sweet, perfect man of my dreams doesn't equal who she is describing here. If this is really what he is like to her, why wouldn't she have pointed it out in the first posting - instead she waited until she "no longer felt bad" and was worried her sisters would sell her out adn THEN started telling us what a crappy guy he is but he isn't but he is but I love him and he's a jerk but I need the money and .............................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsoanonymous Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 OP, I think you need to take a hard look in the mirror right now. I don't think you are going to get much in the way of sympathy at this point from most of us. Despite that, all I can say is that you are young, you have made a mistake that you CAN learn amazing things from, but only if you want to face the writing on the wall and ask yourself the hard questions. You are not a bad person. Don't think I'm trying to say you are. But the "bad" thing to do would be to pretend this never happened. I'm personally rooting for you to do the right thing and figure this out for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Weird, I had thought you were on it? This is the 12 pager the other day about her cheating and should she tell or not - she was staying either way? I just flipped through that 12 page thread..nope I didn't weigh in on that one..but I have weighed in on many other "I cheated" threads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 If you truly don't want to tell him, don't. You know him and your relationship better than anyone else. It won't bother you for the rest of your life unless you let it. You know you will never cheat again. That counts for an awful lot in my book. Most people on here will disagree with me, but I can't see hurting someone else just to make yourself feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omgobserver Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 If you truly don't want to tell him, don't. You know him and your relationship better than anyone else. It won't bother you for the rest of your life unless you let it. You know you will never cheat again. That counts for an awful lot in my book. Most people on here will disagree with me, but I can't see hurting someone else just to make yourself feel better. It's not about the hurt, it's about letting her man know the truth. The truth being that he doesn't know the woman he is in love with as much as he thought he did. Once she has told him the truth he can be set free from the lie and can make the decision to move on or to forgive her and continue the relationship. The problem with advice on the forum and in general from other human beings is our different experiences. There are some people on here that forgave their cheating partners which effects their opinions. There are others who were lied to for years and had no idea of their partners infidelity find out years later and our highly p*ssed off they have wasted their lives with this person but are very glad to be let free by the truth. I really don't understand the OP she has pretty much no regrets she did what she did, perhaps for self discovery to know she loves her partner but Im sure there were better ways to go about this then bouncing on another mans d*ck? Maybe it has helped her realise that she wants to now be 100% commited to her man but keeping it a lie from him is a horrible thing to do. You broke a trust it's now his choice to decide to stay with you that's how relationships work in the adult world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enigmatika Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 that's how relationships work in the adult world. Unfortunately ..in an ideal world it would be the case. Just look around on any relationship forum...such is not the case. Either way you cut the deck on this one the OP did something which lacked integrity for whatever reasons of her own. Chose to act so and willfully chooses to lie to her partner. Her sisters will drop the bomb purposely or through loose lip syndrome...it's only a matter of Time. At this point you'd be better off digging up dirt to blackmail your sisters...into silence. You know you will never cheat again. That counts for an awful lot in my book. Most people on here will disagree with me, Agree. but I can't see hurting someone else just to make yourself feel better. ...that IS the adult world...sad isn't it? Damned if you DO, Damned if you Don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I guess I did confuse you guys with the marriage and the kids. I said that because I know that he will financially be able to take care of me and his children. He is a very strong person and is a workaholic. I guess I have to weigh my options...Should I stay with him for financial reasons and be a little unhappy forever, or should I spread my wings and fly away and find someone that will show me affection? WHY do you want to marry him then ? For security ? That's a terrible reason to get married. If you don't love him as a wife should love a husband, and you got married- this cheating would become a pattern from lack of love. Then things would get REALLY bad ! Maybe you should just break the whole thing off period. I'm seeing negatives FAR outweighing positives here. Grated no person is perfect, BUT there are so many issues here to get through for a man you don't even love with all your heart who doesn't even show you sufficient affection ? What's the point ? Do both of yourselves a favor and break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlestar Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Affairs are best kept secrets from everyone including family as one day the truth will come out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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