Chrisanderson Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 lol, A thought that just came to me... Sucks that I will most likely be in one of those "how I met your dad" stories. I can see it now: "I was actually going to get married to my highschool sweetheart but your dad came into my work and swept me off of my feet. I left my fiance for your dad". Just sickening. Not having a good night. Not wanting to call her but I'm definitely feeling lots of pain right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfurb33 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 lol, A thought that just came to me... Sucks that I will most likely be in one of those "how I met your dad" stories. I can see it now: "I was actually going to get married to my highschool sweetheart but your dad came into my work and swept me off of my feet. I left my fiance for your dad". Just sickening. Not having a good night. Not wanting to call her but I'm definitely feeling lots of pain right now Well, Chris, what about the story you'll get to tell your kids about how you met their mother? Block that stuff out man, your life STILL has a great story ahead of it...don't you worry about what hers are going to be anymore. Stay strong, my man. Part of the ex-fiancee club (haha!), mfurb33 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cchurting Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Hello! I had to check your post and make sure it wasn't wrote by my guy friend. Same story, but unlike many of these reply posts, I have not personally been afflicted with a similar situation. Instead, I watched one unfold between my two best friends. I heard BOTH sides of the story. The situation is amazingly similar to yours: got together when they were 16, engaged, and broke up in their mid twenties in the midst of wedding plans. She (the dumper) felt she "hadn't experienced enough" and had a new guy days after the breakup. Of course they didn't last; she just needed that validation that she was wanted by someone. Eventually, she ended up with this addiction to men, where she couldn't be without one. All the while though, she was constantly comparing these men to her ex-fiance- so none of the relationships even stood a chance. In between her relationships, she would get back together with the ex-fiance briefly, only to crush him again. At first, she would convince herself she wanted him back because she was lonely, but a few days into the reconciliation(s), she would lose interest and hang on until something better came along. Today, she is confused and doesnt know what she wants out of man or in life, because she will never stay single. He, on the other hand, is happy and has discovered tons of new hobbies- only miserable when she comes around a couple times a year. However, 3 years later, the situation is still drawn out and emotional. Why? Because one person (dumpee) didn't do NC, felt "they needed to keep a friendship". BLAH blah blah! Sadly, they are caught in this terrible, viscous cycle that will never end until someone gets a clue. This could be your future. Dont let it be. The quicker you heal, the quicker you will be happy. And the quicker you are happy, the quicker you can enjoy life again and not even WANT to be with her. Doesn't that sound refreshing? You can do it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LilBear Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 She's putting you on the backburner as a backup plan. My ex was the same, we were together 3 years and less than two weeks after he broke up with me, he's got himself a new gf, how's that? Nevertheless he was always contacting me, telling me I was the best and bla bla bla, it was all talk because he still wouldn't break up with the gf to be with me. And even if he does now, I certainly won't take him back and I don't think you should too if your ex comes back after "seeing what's out there". What I think is that you were together so long that things became routine for her that she needed her excitement, whereas you wanted something more solid and steady. Believe me, my dear that people who left us in the first place were never meant for us and will never be worthy of our affection. As for myself, 7 months down the road now, was a mess in the first 2, but went NC right after and slowly picked myself up. Oh, and I met someone who couldn't be more different from my ex and things are looking rather good Chin up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I just don't get how you can still be talking to her. This is (was) your fiance, who when asked to spend the rest of her life with you, said yes. And now she's calling to tell you that she's planning a trip overseas (and with this new guy most likely, as you suspect)...that to me is just, bizarre, and wrong, on so many levels. If I were you, i would either stop answering any of her calls, or just straight out ask her to cease contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Well, Chris, what about the story you'll get to tell your kids about how you met their mother? Block that stuff out man, your life STILL has a great story ahead of it...don't you worry about what hers are going to be anymore. Stay strong, my man. Part of the ex-fiancee club (haha!), mfurb33 Agreed! I guess sometimes I feel like my life is over. You are right man, I still have more chapters to the story of my life. Thanks for the encouragement! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spion_kop Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 yea chris, who knows when you look back and tell your kids on how you met their mother and how she saved you from this meltdown which you are facing right now. I know it hurts, I havent lost my fiancee which is terrible but I did lose my gf of 3 years so we're all in the same boat. After what she did to you and after what happened to me, (my ex moved on in 3 days with her coworker who is 26 while she is 21) So it's safe to say that these things happen, and it's a part of life. Keep your chin up and dont think about the future too much. Think about today and how you're going to take care of yourself now. Because what's the point of thinking that you'll be happy in the future if you cannot be happy now. The destination isnt as important as the journey. Take this as a lesson learnt and use this as an invaluable experience Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 cchurting Thanks for the sharing that story. Although I know that if she tried to come back, part of me would want to work it all out but I know it would be a struggle. I won't let her come in and out of my life like the story you described. I am NC and will stay that way. LilBear Yup, you're right. I'm the backup plan and it sucks. Although it sucks to even think about it, I, like you, may find someone else who is even better than my ex. Daunting to think that I'm going to have to meet a new family, a new set of friends and all that stuff but I really don't have a choice at this point. Breaks my heart to even think about all of that stuff. I'll take it in stride... One day at a time. Thanks Orangesoda Thanks for your post. Yup, it's funny what "love" will allow you to do. If I was on the outside looking in, I'd slap myself and say "you don't need this crap". How could I let her talk to me about that kind of stuff?? It's ridiculous but I allowed it anyway because I "love her". I won't be answering any phone calls and I definitely won't be calling her. spion kop Thanks man! Yup, I'll have a story to tell too. I look forward to it! It's disgusting to me how they can move on that fast. I COULDN'T IMAGINE being with/ kissing another girl right now; or even in the next year. It's just crazy. Oh well, lesson learned- don't put too much trust in anyone. People are uncertain creatures and they CAN and WILL disappoint. Also I learned that life can change in an instant. Tell me 3 months ago that my ex would be with another guy and I'd say you were crazy. Our relationship was going great. Now I'm on these forums reading stories to help take the edge off of this craziness. I never in a million years thought I'd end up here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spion_kop Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 yep chris. People change, some for the better while others for the worst. All you can do is change for the better. You know now that i look back and if someone did tell me the exact same thing about my ex i wouldnt have believed it. We were the ones who really loved and cared for our lovers. Im pretty sure you and her both had your faults, and i did as well. Plus I think people tend to get mixed up with being a backup plan. If they realize that you and i were the ones that they really love, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. The only negative outcome of this is if we wait around for them and have some kind of false hope that they will come back. They may or may not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 6, 2008 Author Share Posted July 6, 2008 Well it has been exactly 2 months to the day since my ex fiancé broke the news to me that she wants to "see what else is out there". It actually feels MUCH longer than that. Over time my mind set on the whole situation has changed so much that it's incredible to look back and see how far I've come. I still think about the situation rather often and I'm trying to wean myself off of reading these forums but for the most part I've been doing just fine. I've been working out, eating well and just enjoying life. I'm going to force myself to start dating next month (that’s the plan atleast). I've been told by mutual friends that my ex's new bf was pissed off that she called me the last time we spoke (alittle over 2 weeks ago) so supposedly that's why she hasn't called me again. (Not that I would answer her call anyway). Rather unfortunate how she lets someone she has just met dictate whether she can talk to me. Oh well. I'm at the point now where I don't think she's coming back. Maybe a blessing in disguise. My love for her is still strong but she betrayed me by lying about her intent and that is super wrong in my book. Trust has always been such a strong value for me and when someone violates it, it's just super tough to forget. I definitely forgive her (although she never even asked for forgiveness) but I'll never forget how low she dropped me. She made me feel pain that I've never felt before. She took my spirit to an all-time low. But, the old adage is true that time does heal all wounds. I was literally dying when this first happened to me. I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. But with time it has gotten better and better. I still need the pep-talk every now and then from family and friends but the need for it isn’t constant. By Christmas time she won't possess my mind as she does now. I can't wait to finally be free of that. It still hurts to think how she can just cut me out like that. Like I never existed, like I mean nothing. Oh well. May she enjoy her new life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Ex sent me a text message this morning saying: "While we're with other people it's probably best that we do not talk anymore. I hope everything is going well for you, I wish you nothing but the best in life. If you have the opportunity, atleast let me know how your doing by responding to this text, if not I absolutely understand." This text got me VERY aggravated when I read it. For starters, yesterday she tried calling me but I didn't answer because I'm NC. I never tried contacting her so idk why she's telling me that it's best that we don't talk. 2nd, the whole "while we're with other people" got me mad. Why couldn't she just put while SHE'S with someone else- I'm not anywhere close to being able to start dating. Ugh, I'm so mad. I feel like responding and giving her a piece of my mind. Should I respond or just stay NC? I think the obvious answer is stay NC but at the same time, I feel like her text was out of line. Almost like she's realized that I've gone NC with her so she's trying to throw it back on me. Any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avman Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 She's realized you aren't contacting her so she's trying to turn the situation around and convince herself that it is her idea. I wouldn't bother responding to the text. Just let her go and continue on with your healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IMAbadman Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I agree with Avman, don't reply. She's trying to push your buttons in my opinion. I think not responding will make her try again too. Take satisfaction in not responding to her and know that it bother her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spion_kop Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 This was a low blow from her. She is trying to linger around in your mind by telling you what she is doing etc. Do not respond to her message or call her back. You dont deserve this crap, you need not worry about it. Believe in karma because I do and things are starting to look up for me but I dont know about her. Be patient, she doesnt deserve your love, attention and warmth after this. She believes she lacked in "experiences" about life etc but there are couples who have married their highschool sweethearts and have lived happily ever after. The experiences these people have are the obstacles that they face together, the journey of their relationship. That is mature thing to do and it really shows the love for another person. Chris, how have you been doing anyways? How do you keep yourself busy etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 She's realized you aren't contacting her so she's trying to turn the situation around and convince herself that it is her idea. I wouldn't bother responding to the text. Just let her go and continue on with your healing. I agree. She wants to have the last word, and doesn't want to believe you could move on without her. She wants it to seem like it was her choice to go NC. Don't respond to her, don't talk to her. No good will come of it. Just move on without her in your life at all. She doesn't deserve a wonderfully compassionate man like you in any capacity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks for the responses! I did not and will not respond to her. As stated, there will be no benefit from responding. It pains me that my ex (who was my best friend in this whole world) is now a stranger to me. When I think about it I actually feel a dull pain in my chest. BUT at the same time, it wasn't by my doing so I just have to keep moving forward. Chris, how have you been doing anyways? How do you keep yourself busy etc. Spion Kop I've been doing much better man. Thanks for asking. I've been watching alot of movies to pass time and help me clear my head. Specifically mafia movies like Casino, Scarface, Goodfellas, Godfather, etc. Interestingly enough, they give me interesting perspectives on the importance of loyalty and trust. Really once that trust is broken it's impossible to get it back 100%. That fact right there gives me the motivation to move on. I have no other choice I still miss the person my ex WAS dearly. I miss her friendship, I miss the romance, I miss the laughter, I miss seeing her beautiful smile while looking through the bridal magazines, I miss just talking to her and hearing about her day. She was such a lovely person. But that person no longer exists in my eyes. I can also say that while I think of her and how unfortunate this situation is, it doesn't consume my mind like it once did. I just hope I can love someone else like that again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfurb33 Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I still miss the person my ex WAS dearly. Excellent, excellent outlook Chris. Who she WAS. I read a great quote somewhere that said something like, "I don't miss her, I miss who I thought she was." Once I started to really "mantra" that, it opened up my eyes quite a bit. Sounds like you're doing well. Keep it up, it only gets better. There's a ton of great things about being single...trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merri Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Well....my situation is the same except I'm the woman sitting here wondering why my fiance has left me. We've been together almost 3 years and engaged for 3 months and now he's gone. Just like that. I have no idea in the world why he would do this. He said he'd lost his sense of independance and that he needs to find it and that he's bored. I don't understand how you can propose to someone and then just up and leave because you're bored. Being bored is something that can be fixed pretty easily with a little communication and planning but he's not willing to work on it. It's been very hard. He's still staying at the house until he finds another place so it's completely awkward and between the 2 of us we have 3 kids. 2 are mine and 1 is his. We don't have any together but my kids love him like a father and I love his son like he's my own. I guess the best advice I can give is this...I friend sent it to me today. I hope it helps because it's helping me get through the day....one day at a time. "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. when i am disturbed, its because i find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and i can find no serenity until i accept that person, place thing, or situation as being exactly the way its supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in gods world by mistake" Sending my best wishes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Last night I was hanging out with my friends. We were all just sitting around watching tv when out of nowhere I get a phone call from my ex. I answered and all I heard was intense crying. After she calmed down a bit she was apologizing profusely for all that she did. She said she screwed up her life by leaving me, she said that she realizes that she hurt me badly and she begged for a second chance. I was floored! I didn't even know what to say! I told her that she really hurt me and burned alot of bridges. She asked if we could atleast try to reconcile and I said that we could meet for dinner in the next few days to see if we even still have a connection. I definitely don’t NEED her anymore. At one point I thought I did but I'm fine without her. I've been going out, hanging with friends, meeting new girls. I really don't know where this will lead. But it's a success story nonetheless Things she said that PROVE NC can aid in getting an ex back -She said that when I stopped calling her she felt a VOID in her life. -She said that me going NC made her feel like I was moving on and it hurt her to think that -She said things like she was "tormented" in her mind, and she had chest pains when she didn’t hear from me, etc... These are the exact same things that I went through There were many times that I felt like breaking NC but I read this thread over and over and over to stop me. It’s really a great thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needhimso Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Good for you! I'm in a situation similar to yours (pretty spot on actually), and I could only hope for that call. I guess now you just have to meet with her to see what she has to say and decide what you truly want. Would you want her back? If so, make her work for it. Make sure she wants it for the right reasons...not because she got dumped or something. I'm sure it feels great to have the ball in your court now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Good for you! I'm in a situation similar to yours (pretty spot on actually), and I could only hope for that call. I guess now you just have to meet with her to see what she has to say and decide what you truly want. Would you want her back? If so, make her work for it. Make sure she wants it for the right reasons...not because she got dumped or something. I'm sure it feels great to have the ball in your court now Yes, if I do decide that it's worth working at again, she'll definitely have to work for it. She said that her new guy had nothing on me and that I was 10xs better than him in so many aspects... I think that if you know you treated your ex great and they leave you then it's THEIR loss, not yours. In my case she see's that she loss big time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Be careful Chris. she may be rebounding from a failed relationship with the new guy. good luck and keep your guard up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepp Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I read that one thread you posted Chris. I hate to admit it, but there's still this sore spot in me caused by my last long-term relationship that ended... and now things make so much sense. I stayed in contact with him for a time, thus ruining myself, and just aiding him in forgetting about me. I feel so much better now, and I'm glad I've kept up NC for going on 12 months now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Be careful Chris. she may be rebounding from a failed relationship with the new guy. good luck and keep your guard up. I agree. She seemed sincere, she seemed like she wants to work at fixing things but I'll let her do all of the chasing from here on. If she truly wants it she'll try her hardest to repair the hurt. Thanks for the advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrisanderson Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 I read that one thread you posted Chris. I hate to admit it, but there's still this sore spot in me caused by my last long-term relationship that ended... and now things make so much sense. I stayed in contact with him for a time, thus ruining myself, and just aiding him in forgetting about me. I feel so much better now, and I'm glad I've kept up NC for going on 12 months now Yup, that's where alot of us fail. We actually help the dumper move on and we take on all the hurt. NC for 12 months is great. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.